Chapter Sixteen
Roar sat in one of Equinox’s two common rooms staring out the window, watching space scroll by in strips of black and white and bursts of color too bright to register. Beside him, curled up on the padded bench seat spanning the length of the wall, Leda had fallen asleep with her head on his thigh.
After she’d spoken alone with her grandmother, Roar had taken her here, away from everyone else. The rest of the crew handled the ship without him, no complaints. Even Stein was content with the added responsibility. Weird. Stein wasn’t the kind of person to work for free, which technically, they all were. They might get some recognition when they made it back and stopped the Woede, and even sponsorships to live off of, but until then, no one was getting any payment. Aurelis was a democratic society but capitalism ran rampant and the divide between upper and lower class had grown over the years. In that, Earth and Aurelis shared a common thread.
Every time he shut his eyes, he saw the way Leda had bent in agony when Rika had pushed on her spine. Rika’s words echoed in his mind, a constant loop, gouging out pieces of his heart. Another thing he was responsible for: waking the creature. Rika and Arne both determined that it was most likely dormant. Until he touched her. He wanted to tear that thing, whatever it was, from her body and toss it out the first available airlock. He wanted to keep Leda to himself, screw responsibility—he kept having those thoughts, those needs, and hating himself for it. Roar’s purpose was to locate and deliver the weapon, not crave her attention, her touch, her affection.
Enjoy the moment. Didn’t he at least deserve that much? If he’d been born on Earth, Roar’s childhood would’ve been the complete opposite. He would have grown up playing sports, watching movies, listening to music, maybe he’d have had a girlfriend. Maybe his parents would still be alive. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Looking back on his disastrous upbringing, it made sense in a screwed-up kind of way that he’d fallen for the one girl who could upend everything he knew.
Leda stirred and stretched. Her fists brushed his abs and she let out a breathless sigh. A flicker of warmth curled in Roar’s belly at the sound. He brushed a lock of hair from her brow with his knuckles. When her eyes opened, she smiled up at him, a smile brighter than the brightest stars. Moments like this made him question not just his purpose, but whether he would ever have a life beyond it.
Those are dangerous questions.
The Elders would tell him the answer was obvious. And easy. And necessary.
“Hey,” she said. “How long was I out for?”
“Not long at all.” The urge to run away from obligations and explore the universe with Leda gnawed at his insides, growing more insistent. He pushed it down, instead focusing on her face. She’d regained some of her color while she slept. “How’re you feeling?”
Leda sat up with her back to the window. “I hate taking naps. I always wake up feeling worse, like I’ve been awake for two days without any sleep.”
Roar laughed. “Naps are great.”
“To each their own, I guess.” She yawned, and for that one fleeting moment, she seemed peaceful. “How long does it take to get to Aurelis?”
“Four months, if we don’t push the drive to full. We can do a series of leaps once…” He paused, not wanting to think about the creature inside Leda or the surgery that would remove it.
“Once Rika’s done with me?”
Bright anger blistered his skin. “It’s not worth it.”
She fixed him with a stern look. “How can you say that? The whole reason you left Aurelis was to find the weapon—to find me.”
“But I didn’t know the risks then.”
“Well, it’s not your choice, Roar. It’s mine.” She turned to look outside, transfixed for a fleeting moment by the beauty of space, just like he was on his first flight. “You know the moment when you realize everything around you is changing and you can’t stop it, no matter how hard you try? I’m there right now. It’s like, I can see things happening but I’m powerless to do anything about them. But this…this is something I can do. And I’m doing it, Roar. Even with the risk of spending the rest of my life paralyzed, or the death part.” She faced him again, and he was struck by the raw emotion in her eyes. “Because it’s my decision, and I don’t want something that’s alive living inside me. All my life, people have been telling me who I am, what I can do. I refuse to let this thing tell me whether I’ll live or die.”
He stood still for a moment, in awe of the raw anger pouring from her. He couldn’t argue with her logic, even if it terrified him that after everything he was ready to sacrifice for her, she might die anyway. “You’re right. It’s your choice, and if you want to go through with the surgery—”
“I do.”
“—then there’s something I want to show you.” He stood and held out his hand.
“I can do it myself.”
“I know you can. Just let me hold your hand for a second.” He tugged her up. “Trust me, Leda, you’re in no danger of me trying to act the hero for you. I’m not afraid to admit you’re braver than I am, and you’ve saved my life twice now. I might deny it if you told anyone else, though.”
Her smoky laughter filled the air. “Fine. So what do you want to show me?”
He handed Leda her crutches. “You’ll see.”
It took about half an hour to arrange the surprise. If not for Leda’s constant questions and pestering, he’d have finished sooner. The girl did not like being out of the loop, even when someone was planning something special for her.
Roar informed the others of his plan; Oline located two suits for them to use, and when Roar gave the order, Stein slowed Equinox down to a crawl. Now he and Leda stood next to an open shuttle bay door, her arms gripping his waist tight though she didn’t need him to support her weight. The bay had been depressurized, and the only thing holding them in place was the magnetized soles of their boots. There was something almost magical about a suit that slid over your body and made the wearer virtually invulnerable.
Size often indicated the potential strength in a suit, until RomTek designed these new second skin versions. The old suits added a couple of inches of height and almost a hundred pounds in weight, but these new models looked more like a bodysuit than armor. When they first came out, no one dared test the suits in combat, let alone up in space. Roar had been the one to take the challenge in both arenas. The first time he put a RomTek suit on, Roar was almost sold. But what made his mind up was the helmet. When he pulled the helmet on, his world shifted into brilliance. He was connected to a simulator ship, and could see and easily access all systems with his mind. It was kind of like waking from a dream and suddenly he could see all around him while staring straight ahead. Readings floated like ghosts and he could control which ones he saw and push aside the less important ones. Calling them back up was as simple as a thought.
He tested out the suit’s armor capabilities by sparring with one of Aurelis’s greatest masters, and Roar beat him easily. The helmet gave an almost futuristic reading of the opponent’s movements, all visible through a screen on the visor. Roar knew ahead of time what was going to happen and adjusted his defense and offense accordingly. Testing the suit for space worthiness proved just as much fun.
Now, putting on a suit and feeling its comfortable lightweight frame hugging his body, locking tight, it brought him a sense of security. For Leda, putting on that suit had given her an exoskeleton, rending her crutches useless and allowing her to walk unaided. But she hadn’t given it a go yet, choosing to use him for support while she shuffled to the dock.
“Stand up straight,” he said, trying not to laugh as she gave a little startled jump at the sound of his voice through her helmet’s system.
“I haven’t walked much without my crutches in like, four years. I guess I’m kind of nervous.”
“No better time than now to take a spacewalk then.” He held out his hand, waiting for her to make the first move.
Leda’s indecision lasted for a brief moment. Then she placed her hand in his, and together, they stepped forward. It took her several steps to get it right, but soon they reached the edge of the dock and were staring the universe in the face. Or the butt. He wasn’t really sure.
“This is the craziest, most intense, and totally insane thing I’ve ever almost done.” She turned and smiled at him, her face a backlit ghost behind the visor. “Don’t let go, okay?”
“I won’t. And remember, we’re tethered to each other, and the ship, too.” He tugged his cord.
“Still.” A happy sigh came clear through the speakers. “Right, let’s do it. Let’s—let’s jump!”
“Jump?”
“Yeah! Might as well, right?”
Roar smiled. “If you insist. Think about unlocking your boots the second you want to jump, and they’ll release.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“Okay. On three.” Leda took a sharp breath. “One.”
“Two.”
She bent at the knee, and Roar did the same. Together, they said: “Three.”
Hand in hand, they floated out into the blackness surrounding the ship with Leda’s laughter playing the background soundtrack. After a moment, she released his hand so she could move her arms like a freestyle swimmer through space. He started after her, then changed his mind and watched instead. Drifting in aimless wonder, all inhibitions swept away by the absence of gravity, Leda was beautiful. In her element. Free. Like those birds he saw back on Vardø that bobbed in and out of the water for fish, crossing the skies and chasing one another through the clouds.
He tried not to think of the days to come, of the possibility Leda might not make it through the procedure, or that she’d never walk again. If she survived, they’d soon arrive at his home planet, and he might never see her again. Inside his suit, his hands squeezed tight. Fear and anger twisted his stomach in intricate, impossible-to-untangle knots. Losing her was unavoidable—one way or another, no matter the outcome of this war, there’d be no happily ever after. Not for them.
A bump to the shoulder brought his focus back. Roar pulled up his sensors just as Leda swam above him, sparkly laughter filling his ears. She said something but he barely heard the words, only the music of her voice carried through his speakers, casting sunbeams on his impossible dream. Roar let his body drift, using thrusters to keep close to Leda as she flew through space, a beautiful speck among the stars.
“That was, seriously, the most amazing thing ever. Can we do it again?”
They’d spent four hours outside the ship, until warnings for the oxygen packs beeped. Now it was nearing supper time, though he wasn’t hungry. Leda sprawled out on her bed, showered and dressed in dark jeans and a T-shirt with giant cartoon eyes strategically placed over her chest.
Roar sat down beside her. “Sure.”
“What’s wrong?”
He looked up, surprised. “How do you know something’s wrong?”
“Come on. I don’t need to be a master of psychology to see something’s bothering you.”
“It’s nothing new. One problem piled on top of another, and repeat.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It’s like there’s a mountain in my way, and by the time I get to the top, seven more are waiting for me on the other side.”
Leda sat up and rested her cheek against his shoulder. “So, you’d want to know if I had made my mind up then? About the surgery, I mean.”
Roar turned his head, taking in her disheveled hair, still wet from the shower. He’d forgotten to show her how to dry her hair. “’Course I do.”
“While you were running around and avoiding me before unveiling the best surprise ever, I talked it over with everyone on the ship.”
Roar blinked. “Everyone? Even Stein?”
“Yup. Surprisingly, he was on your side. He said it wasn’t worth the risk.”
“What about the others? How’d you talk to Petrus?”
“Oline stayed neutral, Nils wouldn’t give me an answer, Petrus said if it were his choice, he’d do it, Uncle Arne said he would, too. And easy: Petrus wrote down his answers. He said he’ll teach me Aurelis Standard Hand if I want to learn, which I definitely do.”
Warmth bloomed in Roar’s chest. Though he shouldn’t have been surprised. Leda was familiar with struggles; it was a no-brainer that she’d be willing to step into someone else’s shoes. He cleared his throat. “So, what did you decide?”
Leda scooted closer, her thigh pressed against his, and put her hands in her lap. “I’m going to go for it.” Her voice was a whisper. “Because I want to. Not because it’s the right thing to do or what I’m supposed to do. And I can feel it moving under my skin, Roar. It’s the most disgusting sensation ever. It makes me sick, knowing I’ve got something inside me like that. However it got there, and why, I don’t care. I just want it gone. I’m doing it for me. Understand?”
He couldn’t argue with her there. The thought of having a living organism sliding around his spine made Roar shudder. He slid his hand in hers. “Okay. When?”
“Soon. Very soon. Now all we have to do is get ready for my party.”
“Party?”
“Yeah, why not? And I’ve got news for you, buddy. You’re going to eat tofu, and you’re going to love it.”
He made a face. “I’ll try it. Can’t guarantee any love for it, though.”
“What’s not to love? Deep-fried golden brown, dipped in sweet chili sauce.” Leda sighed in delight.
“Neither of those things sound good to me.”
Laughing, she pulled his face down to hers and pressed a warm, firm kiss to his lips. They couldn’t do this forever, but for now, he felt like taking what he wanted, especially if she wanted it, too.