The lake at noon is crowded with kids and moms, but if we wait until they all go home for their naps, we get the place to ourselves. Unfortunately for my buddy Brian, Miranda the hot lifeguard isn’t working today.
“Why, dude?” he whines as soon as we settle our towels on the sand. “I was all set to drown today.”
“You’re an idiot. What if she isn’t watching and you actually do drown?” his sister asks. “Or her partner rescues you instead?”
I purse my lips and make kissing noises at Brian. “Sure, you could be getting mouth-to-mouth from Eric Miller.”
“That wouldn’t be so bad,” Emily says, not quite under her breath. She isn’t in her old dive team uniform of a navy blue one-piece but instead wears a bikini in pink and red flowers that stands out sharply against the white towel. She unknots her hair and lets it splay behind her. She looks like a painting.
“What’s that, Em? Do you like Eric? Do you like, like him?” Brian teases.
I avoid looking at her face. I don’t want to know if she likes Eric Miller.
Fortunately for me, she slips a pair of sunglasses on, shutting out both of us. “Fuck off and drown, Toad.”
“Ooh, ouch!” I say.
“Aw, she’s gonna miss us when she’s at college.” Brian grins loopily; he smoked half a joint on our way to the lake. “Dude, tell me about the girl. What’s her name?”
I hesitate. “Priya.”
“Why didn’t you bring her?”
“She went home, that’s why.”
“You got her digits?”
I instantly think of my phone, which is probably in her bag at this very moment. Oh man, that thing had a brand-new case on it. “Yeah, sort of.”
“So text her.”
“Not that simple.”
“What, she’s got a boyfriend?”
I shake my head and laugh. “That would be easy.”
“Then what is it?”
“She’s . . .”
I don’t know where she is and if she’s ever coming back and I don’t even know why I’m still thinking about her.
I stare down at my feet. I’m wearing sneakers and socks; the sand is scorching and making me sweat. I heel away my Nikes and gym socks before I strip off my T-shirt. “I’m hot like your mother, dude. I gotta get wet.”
I do a shallow dive into the lake and come up for air a few feet away. There are two wooden floats off the shore, both empty—I swim for the farthest and pull myself up onto it. With my feet dangling over the side, I’m surely bait for the monsters that live under the surface.
The lake water is cool, the sun toasty, but the breeze makes all the difference in the world. It whisks away the moisture on my skin, like toxins released from my body to rise into the atmosphere. The smells of suntan lotion and sugary melted Popsicles waft toward me from the shore. They are the scents of summer, what defines a hot day in this town.
When I lay my hand flat on the wooden float, I’m reminded of last night, of lying by Priya’s side and staring into the sky. Maybe I shouldn’t have left her. Maybe I should have waited with her till she was picked up. Maybe I should have asked her where she was from, where she was really going.
At the very least, I’d still have my phone.
A couple of minutes later, the float bobs as another swimmer pulls himself up.
Or herself. Emily. Of course. “’Sup.”
“Nada mucho.”
“So, you met a strange girl in the middle of the night.”
I prop myself on my elbows and look at her. Her hair is slicked back from the swim; water drips down her temples and cheeks and lips.
The last time I was alone with Em was a week ago, when we hooked up at a post-grad party.
Afterward, she was all “Matty, we can’t do this again. I’m going to college and I don’t want a boyfriend,” and I was all “No worries, no girlfriend for me, thankyouverymuch,” and it was cool.
Except . . . it wasn’t cool.
It wasn’t . . . enough. For me, it wasn’t enough. I kissed her because I felt things for her. I thought she felt the same way. About me. About us. I thought there could be an us. I mean, we’ve known each other forever. But when I asked her out—in person, not on the phone, not in a text—she was all “Get bent, Jones.”
Maybe not those exact words, but it felt like that.
It felt like she said, Get lost, screw you, why won’t you die and let me be.
And now.
Here she is.
And she’s wearing a bikini and she has that face that I’ve kissed before and that body that I’ve wrapped my arms around and I . . .
“Who is she?”
I blink. “Huh? Priya?”
“Is that her name? That’s . . . different.” Em’s on the other side of the float with her knees pulled up, one leg crossed over the other as if she were sitting on the couch at home. She’s so comfortable in the water, around the water, above the water. Swimming is as natural to her as firing up a bong is to her brother.
“Well, yeah, that’s what she said.”
“You don’t believe her?”
I almost snort a laugh. “Uh, yeah, well, she was . . . kind of crazy.”
Emily tilts her head back and looks at me. “Crazy how?”
I wave a hand. “Never mind. She just . . . she was pretty and I guess she was smart.”
“You like smart girls.”
Our eyes meet for a split second and then she glances away. That was weird.
“She had white hair.”
“Girls can have white hair.”
“Yeah, if they’re in a comic book.”
“So she’s Storm?”
I laugh. “She was not Storm. I’m sure it was a wig.”
“Girl with a wig. Okay.”
“Whatever, Em. Just—”
“She was hot, huh?”
“Can we not talk about this?”
“Why not? You didn’t think she was hot?”
“She was, but—”
“We’re friends, Matty. I want to know.”
Was that my heart that just slammed shut like a prison door? “Right. Friends.”
Emily combs her fingers through her hair. Water drips off the ends like icicles melting in the sun. “Are we ever going to talk about it?”
“About what? About us being awesome friends?”
“Matty . . . you asked me out.”
“After we hooked up. Yes, I did. And you—”
Ripped my heart out.
“—said no.”
“But it’s not because I don’t like you.”
“Yes, you mentioned that.” Is it childish of me to want to stick my fingers in my ears and sing la la la to drown out this torturous little chat? Wait, I know. I’ll just look out over the lake, watch the water-skiers and the kayakers. How lovely.
“And I had a fantastic time with you on grad night.”
I hear a but coming. Straight at me. I brace myself for the barrage of reasons she is killing my soul.
“Matty, will you just look at me?”
I do, and oddly enough, any urge to press my lips to hers vanishes into this humid air.
“I like you a lot. And I think you’re a really cool guy. But I’m going to college in a couple of months and there’s just no future, you know? I can’t be your girlfriend.”
I spit out, “Who said I—”
“You want a girlfriend. And that’s cool but I . . . I don’t know. It’s just not something I want right now.”
My head starts to burn like it’s been in the sun for too long, and I guess it has. We’ve been out here on this float for a hundred years broiling in the heat. I don’t want to talk to Emily about this anymore. I don’t want to hear her say this crap ever again. It didn’t need to be said. I already knew it.
“Right. Okay. Well, thanks for that, uh, clarification.” I roll my eyes, which pretty much always pisses her off.
The evil part of me smiles when I see her grit her teeth in response. “You are so childish, Matty. God. Grow up.”
“Grow up?” I scoop some water from the lake and splash it on her face. She doesn’t even flinch. “Is that grown up?”
She doesn’t take the bait, and my imprisoned heart trembles. Maybe I am childish. So what? “We’re friends, Em. I get it. We’re just friends.”
The saving grace to all of this? She and Brian will be gone for a week starting tomorrow.
Back on the shore Brian’s waving his arms over his head to get our attention. He’s probably bored without us. “I’m going back, all right?”
“Yeah, sure.”
She looks confused by my reply, like maybe she didn’t really want to blow a hole through my heart. Or maybe I’m just projecting. I glance sideways at her and make her an offer I know she can’t refuse. “You wanna race?”
Em perks up and her eyebrows arch. “Race you?”
“Yeah.” I kick my feet in the water, making a big splash. “Afraid I’ll win?”
“Oh my god, no. I just don’t want to embarrass you in front of Brian.”
“Bullshit. You’d love to embarrass me in front of Brian.”
A smile creeps across her face. “Yeah, I would.”
I crouch over the side. Emily takes her sweet time. I can feel the heat of her body next to mine as she bends down, ready to dive in. I have to harden my heart to her. I have to or else I will die a little more every day that we’re together. I push Em away and dive into the water, giving myself a head start.
“Cheater!”
A couple of minutes later I haul my butt out of the water—only to find Emily already lying on her towel, face to the sun.
Brian slow-claps. “Congrats, dude, you came in second.”