“Cassie?” The bathroom door swings open, and Jordan is standing there looking really, genuinely concerned. “I, uh, heard you were sick.”
Oh my God. This is literally the last scenario I want him to see me in. I look down at my wrinkled clothes and think about how clownlike my makeup must seem. At least I didn’t get any of the vomit on myself.
At least I didn’t get any of the vomit on myself? How have things come to this?
“I’m fine,” I say, but my voice betrays me.
“She just drank a little too much.” Marco looks from me to Jordan and back. He pulls out his phone. “Well, look at that, Bambi is freaking out about door duty again. I got to go. J, you got this?”
He doesn’t wait for an answer, practically sprinting out.
Jordan takes a seat beside me, leaning against the wall.
“You should go back to the party,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I want to stay here with you.”
“I don’t need you.”
“I know. I just want to stay.”
I roll my eyes.
“No, seriously, I mean, look at this. We’ve got water, and what is this?” He picks up the box of saltines. Examining it, he raises his eyebrows. “Whole grain, that’s pretty badass.”
I laugh.
“I mean, why would I leave when the real party is in here?”
I smile weakly.
He slips his arm around me. My heart picks up, but it’s meant as just a friendly, brotherly gesture. Right?
“I fucked up.” My voice catches, and the tears spill over.
He pulls me into him and I’m enveloped in his arms. My cheek pressed against his chest, my tears soaking his shirt. He smells good, intoxicatingly so.
“What happened?” His voice is softer than I’ve ever heard it. The overly positive student government politician, golden boy, cruise director bravado is gone. He’s just real.
I shake my head. “I can’t explain it. I just don’t know who I am anymore.”
He makes a kind of humming noise in the affirmative and pushes my hair away from my face.
After a minute he says, “I think being away from home, at first it feels like camp or vacation. Everything at school is so new and exciting, and everything at home seems so dated and toxic, and meant for someone younger than you. And then you realize you’re changing faster than you can process, and that you’ll sleep in a dorm room more nights of the year than you’ll be in your own bed. And it feels like this is a dream, or maybe that was, and nothing seems real. But then you think everyone does this, so why am I being such a pussy? I know I’m lucky to be at college, but sometimes, especially when I’m drunk, if something reminds me of home, I can kind of spiral. It’s terrifying.”
He pauses. I sniffle. The bathroom is quiet, just the sound of a leaky faucet and the low hum of the music, which must be deafening downstairs.
I don’t know what to say, and then he starts talking again.
“I’ll hear some song that my mom likes, or smell the perfume she’s been wearing since I was, like, a baby...it’s like I can almost feel how it was back then, you know, when I was just playing outside and worrying about how many days were left in summer or when the ice-cream truck would come around again or if my dad would be home early enough to play catch... And it feels like I might throw up, because that whole part of my life is gone, and I just want to go home and sit on my couch and watch American Idol with my parents again.”
He pauses. I look up. He bites his lip.
“But my dad lives across town now, and in the basement before that, when they only spoke to divide up chores or fight. And I love them, you know. But it was suffocating living there. Like, it’s not just that I’ve grown up and left. What I thought home was...that’s gone, too, and how do you know what’s a toxic place you need to leave and what’s just people being people?”
He clears his throat. “And I miss it so much, but what hurts more than missing it is when I catch myself being glad I’m gone. But then I think, in four years I leave here, and what if I’m glad to say goodbye then, too, and what if I have no one?”
We’re both silent again. It’s just us breathing and the sound of the bass from downstairs.
“Was that supposed to cheer me up?”
I look up at him, and for a second, he smiles, really smiles.
“No.” His laugh sounds kind of forced. “I just...get it. I don’t know what to tell you, except maybe, even though I don’t really know the details of what’s going on with you, I kind of get it.” He pulls on a string hanging off the frayed towel that had been my pillow. “Plus, I always feel weird talking about this stuff, and I’m fairly sure you won’t remember this conversation tomorrow.”
“Hey!” I feign offense.
He shrugs, a smile playing across his lips.
I lean my head on his shoulder and feel a shaky kind of better. Good right now, but like at any moment laughter may turn back to crying.
“C’mon, let’s get you into bed.” He takes my hand and leads me to my room. Before I climb into bed, I take off my earrings but leave on my dress. So much for my nightly skin-care routine or, for God’s sake, brushing my teeth. I’ll assess the damage tomorrow.
Jordan tucks me in, wrapping the big comforter around me. He takes his task seriously, his brow furrowing. I giggle, the salty taste of tears in my mouth.
I extract one hand to wipe my face. “Thanks.”
“No problem, Cass.” He pushes back a strand of my hair, wet with tears.
He turns to go, shutting off my light. The outline of him is reaching for the door when I blurt out, “Wait!”
“Hmm?”
“Can you—um, can you not leave?”
“Sure.” I can’t see his face in the dark, but he exhales loudly as the outline of his body moves toward me. I know I’m a burden, but I don’t care. I just need someone right now, even if that means I have to show weakness. I am weak right now. Hiding it is the least of my concerns.
I scooch over, and he climbs into the bed, lying on top of the blankets.
Wow. Tall boys take up so much more space than you think. I don’t know if it’s acceptable to touch him, but it’s hard to avoid, so I end up with my back pressed up against the wall.
It feels so good to have him here, though. To feel his energy, the heat radiating off him and through the blankets to me. Or at least the energy I imagine I can feel.
He clears his throat. “Um, Cassie?”
“Yeah?” I glance at him. He’s looking at the ceiling. I turn quickly back to staring at it, too.
“Do you mind if I get under the covers?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s fine. Of course.”
He hops off the bed, pulls back the covers and pauses, the comforter still in his hand.
“Um is it okay—if you say no that’s fine—is it okay, if, I, uh, take off my pants?”
What?
“Um, sure, yeah.”
“I mean, I won’t if you don’t want me to, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, but these jeans are kind of—”
“No, no, it’s fine.”
“Okay, thanks.”
He slips off his shirt—he hadn’t mentioned that, and oh my—and then goes to unbutton his jeans. I avert my eyes. That’s the polite thing to do, right?
I feel him shift closer, and I can’t help it, I turn my head and take in his body, barely lit by the moonlight from the window.
My eyes run over his perfect abs that melt into these little triangle things above his hips that almost seem to be pointing downward...
God, I hope it’s too dark for him to see my face, because my cheeks must be crimson.
He slides into the bed, and his arm brushes mine, his skin warm. I inch over tentatively and rest my head on his shoulder. He slips his arm around me, and my eyes flutter closed.
A little bubble of warmth forms in my chest and spreads through me, thawing my body when I didn’t even know I was cold.
Everything seems kind of heavy, and I slip into darkness...
* * *
My eyelids flutter open, and for a second I’m not sure where I am. I’m just overwhelmed by the light from the window that was left open.
I blink and process the strong arms around me.
I—I’m spooning with...someone. What the hell did I do last—
I whip my head around. Oh my God, I’m spooning with Jordan.
The events of the night before start to come back in flashes, and I exhale, relieved. Nothing happened.
Still, I am very aware of his arms around me and my loose dress, which I can tell slid up as I slept to reveal my barely there lacy thong, and with that plus his boxers, I’m hyperaware of how much our skin is touching.
And for a second, I’m almost...disappointed that nothing happened.
I sit up, my head ringing with the motion. No, that’s crazy. If that were to happen, I wouldn’t want it to be under those sorts of circumstances. I mean, not that it would happen. Oh my God, Cassie, he’s in your frat.
Shaking my head, I carefully crawl across him to extract myself, trying not to wake him up. He groans and cuddles the blanket bunched up in my place but doesn’t open his eyes.
I go shower, and when I return the bed is empty.