Rhode Island
Senior Year
I jogged toward the Cliff Walk, shoes in one hand, hem in the other, as the salt of the ocean air mingled with the salt of my tears rolling over my lips.
In the distance I spotted David and Violet strolling toward the hotel. He’d given her his tuxedo jacket to wear, and I suddenly realized how cool the night had grown. I ignored the goose bumps that sprang up on my own arms as I got closer to the water and wiped my tears impatiently. Violet and David stopped short when they saw me barreling toward them. By the looks on their faces, I must have been the definition of a hot mess.
“Kelse?” David said. “What happened?”
I walked right up to him, ignoring Violet. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“He didn’t even tell me until two minutes ago. Why would he tell you?” Violet huffed.
David put his hand on her shoulder. “Meet me inside, Vi. I need to talk to Kelsey.”
Violet’s face twisted with indignation. “I’m not going inside! Anything you need to say to her you can say in front of me.” She put her hands on her hips and shot him a look that could fry eggs.
David asked me to give them a minute before pulling Violet to the side. I stared at my toes on the sidewalk, trying to allow them some privacy, but it was obvious that asking to be alone with me had landed him on her shit list. She kept pulling her arm away from him and shrieking incredulous no’s left and right. Finally, she stalked away from him, clearly against her better judgment. As she passed me, she stopped in her tracks. “Thanks for ruining prom, Kelsey,” she spat. Her lip quivered, and I saw it in her eyes before she stormed off: She’d actually fallen this time.
I looked at David, unable to focus on her tantrum. I had more important things to apologize for.
He put his hands in his pockets and bobbed his head toward the trail as if to say, Let’s walk.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I repeated as I fell in step beside him. I shivered uncontrollably, though I couldn’t tell how much of it was from the breeze.
“Would it have changed anything?” he asked quietly.
“Yes! Yes, it would’ve.” My lip trembled. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Maybe what? Maybe you would’ve felt sorry for me? You ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. Why would knowing this have made any difference? I didn’t want pity friendship.”
“You weren’t afraid he might hurt me after what he did to you?”
David raised an eyebrow, and a choked sound escaped his throat. “Kelse, no. If I thought that for a second—”
I waved him off, shaking my head in frustration before he could say more. It was a stupid question, and we both knew it. The Ryan Murphy who’d been my boyfriend would never dream of raising a hand to me. But Ryan Murphy the baseball player was obviously an ass hat.
“I feel like I don’t even know him,” I whimpered.
“Pretty crappy feeling, isn’t it?”
My words came out in a choked whisper. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for what he did. It’s not your fault.” He scuffed the pavement. “Besides, I told him I wouldn’t tell you. You needed to hear it from him, not me.”
Typical David. Always trying to do what he thought was best for everyone else.
“I’m not apologizing for him. I’m apologizing for me. You keep forgiving me, for every stupid, hurtful thing I do to you, and I don’t know why.”
We paused as we reached the end of the sidewalk, where the boulders loomed, irregular lumps in the moonlight. David looked at me, taking in the shivering, sniffling wreck before him. “I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to you. And I don’t know why.”
Then he held out his arms to me. I stepped into them, letting him hold me and rub my back and wrap me in warmth until I finally stopped shaking.
I sighed against his chest. My arms dropped slowly and I reached for his hand, not ready to let go of him yet. “Do you want to keep going?” I asked, nodding toward the rock trail.
His eyes widened with surprise. “Keep going? This was always the end of the road for us.”
I nodded, threading my fingers through his. “Maybe I’m not scared anymore.”
David’s grip tightened around mine, but he didn’t move. When I looked up to search his face, he kept his eyes cast down. The corners of his mouth curved into an unsettled line.
“We’d better get going, Kelse,” he said as his hand slipped from mine. “It’s gonna be a long ride home.”
“Long” wasn’t quite the word.
Awkward? Yes.
Quiet? Unbearably.
Nauseating? Abso-frigging-lutely.
Between Ryan and me, and Violet and me, and Violet and David, there was enough friction in the limo to start a fire. I sat between Candy, who held my hand the whole way, and Molly, Steve’s date. I didn’t want to be next to Ryan, but I didn’t want to cause more trouble with Violet by sitting anywhere near David.
I spotted my car as we pulled up to Ryan’s house and felt a huge surge of gratitude that I hadn’t carpooled with Candy like she’d wanted to. Now I could go home and cry over the ruins of the night without having to bother anyone else, or worse, having to stay there because no one had enough brain cells left to operate a vehicle. Except for David, and Violet would have none of that.
“Call me tomorrow,” Candy whispered as she hugged me good-bye. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I nodded into her shoulder. “I’ll tell you everything tomorrow.” I’d only given her the ten-second version of the story in the bathroom after David and I came back from the Cliff Walk. There were too many nosy people and not enough time for more.
She squeezed my hand before heading toward Ryan’s front steps, where he held the door open for everyone filing into his house. Everyone except Violet and David, who took off in Violet’s car together. When Candy disappeared inside, Ryan looked over at me.
“Come on,” I said, opening my car door and indicating he should get inside. “You wanted to talk. Let’s talk.”
I threw my shoes and purse in the backseat as Ryan trotted over to my car and slipped into the passenger seat. The door shut behind him and instantly the tension became palpable again, like he’d sealed us inside a vacuum.
With the exception of a few furtive glances out of the corners of our eyes, we didn’t look at each other. “I’m so stupid,” Ryan said to his hands after a moment of terse silence. “I can’t believe I did what I did. I just wanted to get into a good school, that’s all.”
“And the fight in the hallway that day?”
“I started it,” he mumbled. “I said stupid shit about him, about his father—”
My anger flared. “Don’t tell me any more. You realize it was for nothing, don’t you? David had his choices narrowed down ages ago, while you were still resorting to pranks and acting like a jealous kindergartner.” Ryan twisted his hands and turned toward the window. “All for nothing,” I repeated.
“So it’s really over then?” Ryan asked quietly.
I looked over at him and felt myself break into a million pieces. In the year and a half we’d been together, I’d never seen Ryan cry. But at that moment there were unmistakable tears rolling down his cheeks. Seeing him that way killed me, and my own eyes filled with tears instantly.
“I’m sorry, Ry.”
“I shouldn’t be surprised.” He wiped his cheeks with the back of his sleeve and stared out the window again. “You haven’t wanted me since the day he got here.” His shoulders jolted with a silent sob.
“Ryan,” I bleated. “I’m sorry.” I wanted to tell him everything, tell him that he wasn’t the only one who’d done something despicable. Part of me wanted him to know how I’d kissed David and then come back and slept in his bed like nothing had happened. How I was just as disgusted with myself, if not more, than I was by what he had done. But watching him break down, I knew there was no point. I’d only hurt him more.
Ryan lunged across the center console and pulled me into a crushing hug. I didn’t know how long we sat there, holding each other and crying. I just knew that when he left my car, I felt so alone and so hollow.
He’d been right, of course. When I’d left Norwood, I’d wanted to believe all things perfect were around the corner, waiting for me to find them. I hadn’t stopped to think about what I’d be leaving behind, which turned out to be a huge piece of my heart. Specifically, I’d left it with David. Once I got far enough away, I’d been able to pretend I hadn’t, and falling for Ryan had helped me keep my delusions going. But the truth was, I’d never been completely his—and the girl he’d fallen for only half existed. Seeing David again had sent my illusions crumbling around me. I’d just been too stubborn to see it.
Sitting in my car, bereft and broken, I saw everything crystal clearly. I’d hurt them both. And now I’d lost them both.