Chapter 4

Two Weeks Later

Sherry rubbed her stomach as she lay in the spare bedroom at Chrissy’s place. For the better part of the last hour, she’d been looking up at the ceiling. She and Chrissy had finished eating dinner then, feeling so heavy and tired, Sherry trudged down the hallway and into the bedroom. Not even bothering to push the door closed, she simply collapsed in her bed, on her back. Her most recent doctor appointment had been nearly a two weeks ago today. And she was due nearly a week ago.

Chrissy paced back and forth down the hall while yapping on the phone with a coworker. They talked about some issues with a report as well as the company needing to change its policies. From the depths of her dark room, Sherry looked at her friend’s silhouette, thankful that she had someone in her life who was willing to help her during her time of need. Sure, she could get back in touch with her family and work toward rebuilding her somewhat strained relationship with them. Being the black sheep, though, made it more difficult than she was willing to deal with at a time like this. Her family would probably happily treat her like charity. With her delivery looming, she closed her eyes and started drifting off to sleep as heavy chunks of snow fell to the streets.

Around midnight, the only noise in Chrissy’s apartment was that of the dripping kitchen faucet. The snowfall still hadn’t slowed down. The street light just outside of the living room window buzzed. Sherry’s eyes popped open. Fatigue known only to a pregnant woman whose delivery date has passed by seven days set in quickly. Her desperate urge to pee was too great to ignore, so she pulled her legs off of the bed and headed to the bathroom.

Sherry leaned back as the sound of her flow filled the bathroom. She looked up at the ceiling, gripping the side of the sink as support. No sooner than she’d gotten up, flushed, then headed back out into the hallway, she felt what seemed like a big cramp. She screamed out, grabbing her stomach then wincing as she looked down. Light from the bathroom reached out into the hallway between her legs. The woman looked down to discover her water had broken.

“Oh shit!” Sherry said, breathing heavily. She couldn’t help but to smile – a smile of joy as well as of fear. “Oh shit, oh shit.” She laughed. “Really?”

Commotion came from Chrissy’s room. Before Sherry could process everything, her bedroom door swung open. Chrissy darted down the hallway, asking what was going on. She stopped as she got within two feet of Sherry then covered her mouth. “Oh my God, Sherry. Your water broke.”

Sherry, smiling, finally looked up. “I know, I know… I was...” Before she could finish explaining, a sharp pain whisked through her stomach. She let out a wale. Sweat popped out of her forehead as she realized she was having a contraction. “Oh my God, Chrissy! Oh my God! We gotta get to the hospital, we gotta get to the hospital!”

Chrissy rushed around to get the baby bag then helped Sherry into her coat. With car keys in hand, the two friends headed outside and walked down the steps to the parking lot. Shortly after Chrissy helped Sherry into the car then pulled out onto the street, Sherry leaned forward in pain and gripped her stomach. “Oh my God, Chrissy! It just did it again!” She took deep breaths. “Please, hurry up!”

“Okay, okay,” Chrissy said. “Just try to stay calm, Sherry. I’m taking the quickest way to Memorial. Just stay calm..deep breaths”

Chrissy carefully pulled through stoplights when the coast was clear; took curves and turns carefully as the streets were increasingly packed with dense, somewhat icy snow. In the fifteen minutes it took to get to Memorial Hospital, she noticed Sherry’s contractions getting closer together. The anxiety was almost too much to deal with. At times, she feared her friend might start to give birth in the car right next to her. When Sherry screamed out in pain, Chrissy grinded her teeth.

Chrissy rushed into Memorial and notified the ER staff that her friend was in labor. She grabbed the baby bag, watched the hospital staff come out and rush the pregnant woman inside, then quickly parked her car. By the time she got back to the ER entrance, they had just finished checking Sherry in – getting her information. Chrissy held Sherry’s hand as she cried tears of joy and pain on the elevator. “Thank you so much, Chrissy,” Sherry said, taking deep breaths and stopping every-so-often to scream out in pain from another contraction.

Chrissy told Sherry how much she loved her as well then the hospital staff carried her off to the delivery room. There, Sherry sat in the waiting area, with the baby bag. A couple of hours passed; she’d nodded off and had woken up. Then she was up for two hours, watching CNN as she glanced down the hallway, anticipating somebody would be coming to tell her something. Again, she dozed off for a couple of hours then woke up to send an email to her boss that she probably wouldn’t be coming into the office in the morning.

Around 4 o’clock, woman accidentally hit her foot then said excuse. Once again, she looked at the television with the bag resting on her lap. Then, her attention was pulled away from Anderson Cooper with the twinkly music coming over the intercom signaling that a baby had just been born. Chrissy smiled as she looked down the hallway. The same doctor who had rushed to the gurney when the elevator doors opened came walking down the hallway, clearly looking for someone. Quickly, Chrissy jumped up out of the seat and crossed the waiting area. She met the doctor at the entrance to the hallway and was greeted with the news that her friend Sherry had delivered a beautiful baby boy at 4:23am.

***

Sherry sat in the backseat of Chrissy’s car the following afternoon. A snowstorm had passed over the city during the early morning hours, blanketing the streets with a clean layer of snow. The thick clouds that had blocked last night’s stars had rolled on, making way for sunshine to reach down and kiss the white winter wonderland. She smiled then looked down at baby Gabriel, who she cradled in her arms. Even though so much uncertainty about her life hung around like a dark cloud, there was something about looking into this beautiful baby’s eyes that made her think and feel things she never had before.

The next few days were like the first days of a new life for Sherry. She struggled with getting up in the middle of the night to tend to Gabriel’s crying as he lay in a used crib at the front of her bed. Figuring out formula was one thing; she tried breastfeeding, but didn’t too much care for it. No matter how hard dealing with a newborn baby was for the new mother, the mental anguish of what could come in terms of her health overshadowed it all. An array of emotions overcame her when she thought about how she still hadn’t told her family she was pregnant, let alone that she’d given birth to a baby boy – to her family’s sixth grandchild.

The following Friday didn’t exactly help her anxiety about her life. Now that she’d given birth, it was time for her oncology appointment to see what should be done about the cancerous cells. The doctors as well as Sherry were very concerned about these cells going untreated in the last few months. Chrissy arranged to be home to watch Gabriel so Sherry could go to her appointment. Sherry thanked her for being a good friend as she kissed Gabriel on the forehead then headed out the door to use Chrissy’s car. The car ride to the doctor’s office was anything but joyful, but at this point Sherry could only hope for the best. She still wasn’t sure of how she was going to take care of this child if she wasn’t working and didn’t have a car.

The nurse came out to the waiting room nearly 15 minutes after Sherry got back from radiology. Trying to keep her mind off of her sorrow, she’d been flipping through magazines. Various articles inspired her on ways she would lose the baby weight and get back to how she’s been before – how she’d been when she was working at the Blue Ivy and had guys hitting on her all night.

Following the nurse’s lead, Sherry stood up and followed the woman back to the doctor’s office. There, she waited another ten minutes or so. Listening to the doctor go from room to room around her was certainly nerve-racking. No matter how hard she tried to not think about it, lately her life had been so much sorrow that dwelling on the negative was inevitable. As soon as she’d fallen into a deep thought about how she would handle whatever news the doctor had for her...and how she would take care of this child should it be the worse...the doctor swung open. Doctor Ali, the oncologist, walked in carrying a folder. He greeted Sherry then sat down at the computer and pulled up some scans.

Sherry’s eyes swelled with tears as the doctor spoke, pointing at the scan and explaining his observation. Her stomach sunk as the doctor explained that the cancer in her cells had grown and that she would need to start treatment right away. As things were looking now, she would probably need treatment at least a few times a week for months. Sherry felt like her heart broke as she listened to the doctor describe the symptoms she would be feeling between the treatments. Sherry couldn’t help but to turn toward the window, looking out at a shopping center in the distance, as her world seemed to slow down. If there were any other time she felt like jumping off of a cliff, today would be the day. Then, little Gabriel came to mind. Her eyes watered up. This can’t be happening.

The rest of the appointment was somber, as to be expected. Doctor Ali handed Sherry some tissue, seeing the woman was taking the news a bit hard. Nevertheless, he made sure to highlight the positive aspects of everything. He gently rubbed Sherry’s shoulder as he explained that unlike most patients, she caught her cancer long before it progressed into Stage 4. Treatment options had advanced so much compared to the past that Ali was more than confident Sherry would come out just fine after a couple of months. However, the man could tell that the patient, who had obviously just given birth, wasn’t comforted by his words. She looked blankly off into space, nodding as he presented her with the information.

Sherry made her followup appointment with Ali’s secretary, forced a smile and thanked the woman then headed back out to Chrissy’s car. There, in the sunlight, she leaned her head back in thought as her eyes stared off at a nearby snow-covered retention pond. Stray tears rolled down her cheek as she held back from sobbing. Her head crooked over to the right. Her thoughts consumed her; the stress showed on her face, even through the makeup.

Treatments. How much is this going to cost? Sherry imagined hospital bills showing up in her P.O. box – herself opening them and seeing balances she wouldn’t be able to pay.

Falling sick between the treatments. What about Gabriel? Glancing around at the car, Sherry couldn’t help but to think about how she was literally depending on her friend Chrissy to take care of them. How long would that last? After so long, Chrissy is going to be tired of doing this. I don’t have a car...no job and it looks like getting one isn’t even in the picture.

Sherry sat in the car for ten minutes until the chill of the winter air set in. She pulled off, heading back to Chrissy’s apartment. She needed help, desperately. The idea of telling her family still sent chills through her bone. Sherry could only imagine her father’s reaction; her mother’s inevitable judgmental statements. She hadn’t talked to her family for nearly three years, except for running into a cousin at Kroger one day. What would she do if such a thing were to happen again, right now? How would she explain carrying a baby?

Sherry thanked Chrissy for watching Gabriel when she got back to the apartment. Chrissy then jotted out the door, heading to work so she could at least get a half-day. There, until Chrissy got back that evening, Sherry sat on the living room couch. She held Gabriel in her arms, trying her best to look into his entrancing blue eyes and sing what few lullaby melodies she knew. Her efforts were useless, though, to warm her own spirits. Even though she loved this baby with all of her heart, like any new mother would, there were certain realities that were starting to settle in. She sniffled while looking around the apartment.

“I’m so sorry, Gabriel,” she sobbed. Sherry’s head drooped down as she realized there were certain choices she would have to make. In her situation – a situation which looked like it would be becoming her new normal for quite some time – there was just no way she would be able to give this child the live he deserved.

***

Sherry lay in bed the next morning, looking over at Gabriel’s crib. “Please don’t wake up,” she whispered. Her eyes were still heavy from the night before. The beautiful baby boy had woken up three times during the night, making the new mother jump out of the bed and tend to him. Now, though, at 7 in the morning, Sherry lay with her eyes facing the window and looking out at the tops of nearby houses and the church steeples rising in the background as orange hues from the sun penetrated the canopy of trees. Her phone lay at her side; the Hope Adoption Agency website saved in her bookmarks.

When Chrissy slammed the apartment door shut, Sherry slid out of bed. She carefully curved around Gabriel's crib then up to the window. She looked down a the parking lot, still covered in snow from the day before. Sherry stood, almost feeling invisible in the window, as she watched her best friend climb into her car and pull off, disappearing once she turned out onto a busy street a couple of blocks up.

Thoughts echoed in her mind thanks to the early morning silence when she approached the !!br0ken!! She leaned over, looking down at Gabriel and his tiny body wrapped up in blankets. Ever so gently, Sherry reached down and touched his tiny hand, balled up in a fist. She sniffled, knowing what had been on her mind for most of the night. “This is gonna be better for you,” she said, wiping a tear away from her cheek. “Gabriel, you hear me? This is gonna be better for you.”

Eventually, Sherry pulled her swelling eyes away from her newborn baby. She reached across her bed, grabbed her phone, then slipped out into the hallway. Pacing around the living room, Sherry read about the Hope Adoption Agency – the process, the confidentiality. Every so often, she would peek out of the window to see if for some reason Chrissy was coming back. Last night, shortly after putting Gabriel into his crib, she had a heart-filled conversation with Chrissy and explained some of the things that had been on her mind. Chrissy seemed supportive, but Sherry truly wondered what was really going through her mind. Nonetheless, she had made her mind up last night that with the news she’d gotten from Dr. Ali, raising Gabriel at this point in her life probably wouldn’t be fair to him. Furthermore, there was just no telling when she would be back on her feet.

Sherry pressed the agency’s contact number then sat down on the couch. She gnawed at the tips of her fingernails while listening to the phone ring. Almost hoping someone wouldn’t answer, her heart skipped a beat when a representative picked up. “Hope Adoption Agency,” a cheerful woman answered.

Sherry gripped her chest for a moment before pushing the words out of her mouth – words she’d been imagining for much of the night as she weighed her the few pros of her life against the mountain of cons. “Hello, my name is….” she caught herself and stopped so she wouldn’t say her name, just in case she decided to not through with it. “Well, I just had a baby and,” she sniffled, “I wanted to speak with somebody at hope about the process for giving the child up for adoption. I’m...I’m...I’m just not in a position to raise a child right now at this point in my life.”

Sherry listened as the very nurturing woman explained how she totally understood then went on to explain that the Hope Adoption Agency was one of the leading agency’s in this region of the state. Mothers could hand their child over the same day as consultation, information would be sealed from public records as to the identity of the birth mother as well as who wound up adopting the child. The woman then finished up the call asking when Sherry wanted to come in to meet with a case manager.

“Can I come in today?” Sherry asked, whispering even though she was alone. “I am free today to come in. I can get a Uber or something and come today, as soon as possible.”

“Actually, Miss,” the woman said, “we have a staff member here who, especially for young mothers, can come and pick you up. Would you mind giving me your address and what time you and the baby will be ready? Also, before we proceed, how old is the child?”

“He’s...he’s...” Sherry took a deep breath before pushing the words out of her mouth. “He’s five days old, Ma’am.” She grabbed a piece of mail off of Chrissy’s coffee table then read the address out loud. “How about in an hour and a half or so? Would that be alright?”

The woman assured Sherry that whatever time worked for her would work for the staff member. Sherry thanked the woman then hung up. She tossed her phone into the couch then buried her face in her hands. This young mother truly felt there was no other option. So much doom and gloom loomed over her life in ways she never imagined. Little did she know, the ride down to the adoption agency would be a ride where every minute felt a little more precious. Gabriel had woken up, almost as if he knew his fraught mother was riding in the back of a minivan and on her way to an adoption agency.

Something seemed monumental about the moment the van pulled up in front of the agency. In a small, nondescript brown brick building, the agency was located in a small, compact neighborhood just west of downtown. The staff member who had come to get her – a black man who was very compassionate and cordial as to help her feel comfortable – opened the van door then guided the mother and her bundled-up baby up across the snowy sidewalk and into the building. Inside, a case manager, a Barbara Harris introduced herself then guided Sherry back to her office where they sat down on either side of the desk from one another.

“Hello, dear,” Mrs. Harris said. “The counselor, who I believe spoke with you on the phone, told me what you told her. How are you?”

Sherry gently rocked Gabriel, who had fallen asleep toward the end of the twenty minute car ride. She looked down at her newborn then back up and across at the woman. “I’m okay,” she said, forcing a smile. “I guess I’m as good as I can be.”

“Good, good,” Mrs. Harris said. She then pulled a pamphlet of information out of a holder toward the front of the desk and slid it across to Sherry. She explained the process once again, just in case Sherry didn’t fully understand. Her heart went out to the young woman, as the severity of her situation truly was written all over here face. As Mrs. Harris finished explaining, she rubbed Sherry’s shoulder then handed her tissue. “Here you go… I know how you must be feeling.”

“Yeah, thank you,” Sherry said, grabbing some tissues and wiping her eyes. She looked down at Gabriel, nearly not wanting to look into his face because with every passing moment she sat in this adoption agency, the guilt that started when she began seriously thinking about giving him up for adoption became stronger and more unbearable for her tender heart. “Okay, so I wanna know a couple of things. I know people say stuff is confidential, but then you hear these stories about children who were adopted growing up and going off to find their real parents and all that. What is that about? I don’t want to be found, Misses Harris. I just don’t.”

Sherry listened as Mrs. Harris explained the confidentiality part of the adoption process. She did admit that certain legal actions could indeed press them to open the file, but that they were rare and that mothers were not required by law to answer any requests. Furthermore, what often was the case was that even if a child did find out the name of his birth more, the trail tended to run cold because of relocation, a woman getting married, and so on. However, she did warn that with the rise of social media in recent decades, people were finding people in ways never thought possible when these rules and laws were written. “I can’t guarantee that you’ll never be found, because I just don’t know if such is possible, but I can tell you that it’s very unlikely they’ll find you through the agency. How a lot of adopted children find their parents wind up finding their parents is through locals where they were born, especially if the mother was, I guess you could say social or well-known.” She forced a smile, never changing her compassionate, consoling eyes.

Sherry nodded, taking the information for its value. She looked down at Gabriel again before lifting her head back up and explaining how she’d basically become reclusive once she started to show. Truthfully, her reclusive nature was a bit induced by the fact that The Blue Ivy fired her. “Yeah, my family doesn’t know. I’m estranged from them.”

“Well, I do want to say that it’s a good thing that you decided to do this before you got too attached to the child,” Mrs. Harris said. “I know that seems like a cruel thing to say, but I’ve been working in this business for nearly twenty years at this point. The longer the mother waits, the more attached and heartbreaking I guess you could say it is to give a child up for adoption. I believe you said this child is four or five days old? I know this is hard to believe, but this will be the easier way...before you get into having people see you with him...and taking pictures..and clothes shopping...and daycare.”

Sherry nodded. What the woman was saying made sense. She sniffled a bit because these were things she wanted to experience one day, but that day just wasn’t now or any time in the foreseeable future. Sherry went on to ask a few more questions then Mrs. Harris started pulling out paperwork – paperwork that sent a jolt of realty through Sherry’s soul.

“Now, I have to ask this, so please forgive me,” Mrs. Harris said. “What is the situation with the father?”

“The father?” Sherry said. The words were so faint Mrs. Harris could barely hear them.

Gabriel’s father was another factor Sherry had been grappling with leading up to that snowy night Chrissy rushed her to the hospital. The truth of the matter was that she didn’t have an answer. The last guy she’d been with was that guy who was in town on business from Chicago, but there were a few guys before who could’ve easily been the father as well. Sherry wasn’t proud of her choices in men she slept around with, but she learned as she got older that some choices she would simply have to live with and move on.

“He’s not in the picture,” Sherry said, avoiding eye contact with the woman who appeared old enough to be her mother.

“It’s okay, honey,” Mrs. Harris said. “I just have to ask. Have you even tried to contact him? Would he be willing to take full custody of the child and you hand over your parenting rights?”

Sherry took a deep breath and sighed, realizing it was time to face the music and openly talk about one of the most sensitive aspects of her life. “Well, I don’t exactly know who he was. It could be a few men, honestly. If I had to get in touch with any of them, there would be one I could probably work my way to finding out how to get in touch with him. The others,” she shrugged, “not so much.”
“Okay, what about that one?” Mrs. Harris asked, jotting things down. “Have you contacted him? Sorry, but I do have to ask.”

Sherry’s mind flashed back to the spring night where she met the guy at the bar then hooked up with him at his hotel room out on the edge of the city. He was good-looking, appeared to make a good living for himself, and even was respectful of her on a night where she was being a little looser than usual. Vividly, she remembered the way his silver wedding ban glistened in the motel room light before the guy turned them out and climbed into the bed with her. When Sherry snapped out of her flashback, she admittedly honestly, “He’s married.”

Mrs. Harris nodded then finished filling out her part of the paper work. The better part of the next hour was filling out document after document, answering revealing question after revealing question. Sherry became somewhat numb to it all, rocking Gabriel gently and hoping he didn’t burst into a loud cry. She didn’t fear his crying for the sake of the silence; rather, Sherry wanted to keep her beautiful baby boy from crying because his tears would only remind her of this horrible corner she felt forced into.

“Okay, honey,” Mrs. Harris said. “If you’re ready, the child can be handed over to us. We understand if all of this is more overwhelming than you imagined when you came in. And that’s okay. We have plenty of mothers who start the process first then spend a few more days with the child to be sure then hand them over. If you would like to do that, that’s fine as well.”

Sherry forced a smile, looking down into Gabriel’s tiny face once again. Just a few minutes ago, Mrs. Harris had explained the likelihood of Gabriel being adopted by a good family. The agency used a stringent adoption process to be sure a child is placed with the best family. Sherry took comfort in this, knowing that if the child ever were to somehow find her down the road in life, she would feel much better if he were in the hands of people who could give him a better life that she ever could. Reality had set in, and she was feeling more confident about it, especially since, like Mrs. Harris said back in her office, that it would be much easier to give the child up for adoption sooner rather than later. Sherry pushed through her hesitation and gently handed her newborn baby over to the case manager. As Mrs. Harris held him in her arms, Sherry leaned over and kissed him on his forehead one last time while she also pushed her index finger into his tiny, slightly closed hand. She wept; tears rolling uncontrollably down her cheeks. “Bye, Gabriel.”

Watching Mrs. Harris walk off and toward the nursery with Gabriel was a sight Sherry would never forget. There she stood, between a cluster of desks and the agency’s front entrance, while the older woman disappeared into the back of the building, turning a corner. Her head dropped as she burst into tears. “I’m so sorry I have to do this,” she sobbed softly. “I’m so sorry, Gabriel.”

Unexplainable emotions filled Sherry’s heart and soul that afternoon, on into the evening. She cried in ways she’d never cried before – more than when her favorite grandmother died when she was just ten years-old, more than the night she had that last defining fall-out with her judgmental family, forever cementing her role in the family as the black sheep. The minutes turned into hours as the sun rose to the middle of the sky then back down, falling behind the trees. When Chrissy walked through the door that evening after a long day at work, the first thing on her mind had been what she and Sherry talked about just last night. Sherry lifted her head and looked into her best friend’s eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Chrissy then rushed across the room, sat down on the couch next to her, and hugged her tightly.

“It’s going to be alright, Sherry,” Chrissy said. “I’m here for you. I always will be.”