* * *

Her eyes had gone wide as saucers but I wasn’t done. “When I fuck, I fuck hard, if you can’t keep up I’ll make you. I won’t stop once I start so be very fucking sure that you want this. I’m not gonna ask you about your past experiences, but I can tell you, fucking with me, won’t be the same.”

I didn’t miss the way she flinched when I mentioned her past but again I let it slide. Probably some snot nosed kid from back home had given her a hard time for moving on. I couldn’t say that I blamed him whoever he is. I wouldn’t want to lose someone like her if I’d ever had the opportunity to have her either.

That’s why I needed her to get what the fuck I was saying now. I’m not into self-affliction and no one, not even her, was going to fuck with my life. There was fear and uncertainty involved here, because I’d never been here before.

I’ve never wanted to go all in with a woman in my life and I’m not the type to leave shit up to circumstance. If I open myself up to her and she screws me, she’s fucked.

“I hope you understand what I’m saying because if this goes south we’re both gonna be in a world of hurt. I don’t play fair, not when it comes to my emotions, so think long and hard.” I held her eyes with mine hoping she could read the severity of what I was saying to her.

“Tell me you understand what I’m saying, that there’s no confusion.” She nodded her head but her eyes had not lost that Bambi caught in the headlights look.

“Now promise me that if you decide you want this, that you will never forget what I just said to you. I don’t want to hurt you, but if you fuck with me there’s no guarantee that I won’t. I won’t share you ever; do you understand?”

“I promise.” Okay I was done.

I should probably let her go now, give her time to think, but I liked the feel of her under my hand too much. And just in case she called a halt before we even got started, I needed that little piece of her. I studied her lips for the longest time, dying to take a taste, but fuck if I was going to settle for an appetizer when I wanted the whole meal.

“Why are you trying to scare me off?” Oh, so she got that did she? Her eyes were bright with lust, but now mixed with apprehension.

“Because I want you to be sure. Because you’re so fucking young I’m questioning this shit, but there’s no denying I want inside you.”

She had that cute little blush going on again, and I wondered what the fuck I was playing at with the little innocent. But it was her innocence that was drawing me in, even as I was wary of it. I knew for a fact that if she got into my bed that shit would be sullied within a week.

I dropped my hand and stepped back, studying her a little longer without saying a word. She was doing some looking of her own and that hungry look never left her eyes, but still there was that healthy dose of caution and fear mixed in. Good! At least she understood.

“I'm going up to my room, you've got ten minutes to decide. If you choose to do this, just walk through the door, if not, just stay away. We'll forget this ever happened and you can find someone else to guard you tomorrow. But if you walk through that door you accept me on my terms.” I turned and left the room without a backward glance.

* * *

I headed into the shower for a quick rubdown and was out in less than five. I restrained myself from looking at my watch and ignored the pitter-patter of my heart. I had as much to lose here as she did and I knew it, and there wasn’t shit I could do about it. It was too late for that.

If she flaked I’m fucked, and I’m not talking about her not showing up. No, it’s even worse. My guts were all tied into this thing now, but I couldn’t force her decision. That had to be all her. Once she made the first move, then I’d take over from there.

On the other hand, if she shows and then somewhere down the line things go sour, I know it would fuck with my head for the rest of my life. I’ve known myself for a long fucking time and I know when I’m all in.

No use bullshitting myself that all I wanted from her was just a quick fuck or two until the job was done. I wanted all of her or none at all. I’ve grown a fucking vagina. What’s next? Sitting outside her door, whining like a puppy wanting to be let in?

In the space of a couple weeks she’d worked herself into the hardest heart of any man I know. I’d spent my life protecting myself from this shit, never wanted any part of it. But here it is. I didn’t think I would need that protection here, so left myself open, and in she walked.

As I looked at myself in the mirror and my mind played over the last few days I realized that that thing I was missing with Zeta, she had it in spades. It was written all over her, like an imaginary string tugging me towards her. I know what the fuck that shit means. I’d fucked myself royally this time.

The game had changed and the ball was in her court, but not for long. If she made the mistake of walking through that door her life will never be the same and maybe I could get my peace of mind back. I hope she knows what the fuck she’s doing. I also hope I can soon stop having these internal battles with myself, this shit is all kinds of fucked up.