30
Kat awoke to the sound of banging that sounded like it was coming from Nana Boo’s front door. Carter moved with a loud sigh, his arm wrapped protectively around her waist. He hadn’t let her go all night. They’d done nothing but cuddle and spoon, even though his hard body had told her he’d wanted a lot more. There was something different. He was different. Something had appeared in his eyes. Something irrevocable and too big to deal with at—
With her face half covered by the pillow, Kat glanced at the clock to see it was a little after ten in the morning. How had that happened? Christ, she didn’t even remember falling asleep.
“Who the fuck is making that noise?” Carter grumbled into the nape of her neck, pressing his delicious morning wood against Kat’s ass. “They need to shut the fuck up and let me get back to sleep.” He yawned. “I was having awesome dreams.”
Kat snorted and rolled over to look at him, smiling at his adorable sleepy eyes and brushing her palm over his crotch. “I can feel how good they were.”
Carter sighed and lifted his hips from the bed, chasing her hand. “Don’t pretend that you don’t love it.”
Kat frowned when the banging stopped abruptly and raised voices, spouting inaudible words, echoed up to the room.
A concerned frown slashed between Carter’s brows. He lifted himself up onto his forearms. “What the hell’s going on?”
Kat shook her head, hating the heavy dread snaking up her back. “I have no idea.”
Carter was swiftly on point, protective and cautious. “I’ll go and check it out.”
“No,” Kat said, touching his shoulder as he pushed back the sheets. “I’ll go.”
“Peaches,” he murmured with an annoyed glint in his eye.
“It’s fine, I’ll—”
“KATHERINE!”
The bubble around herself and Carter burst apocalyptically as the voice pummeled at the bedroom door. Kat’s skin prickled in cold terror, while tears sprang to her eyes, forced to the ducts by fear and absolute fury.
“Mom.”
“What?” Carter coughed, shooting to his feet at the side of the bed, eyes wide. “Your—your mom?”
Kat nodded slowly, robotically, gripping the blankets in her fist.
“Katherine, come out here! I know you’re in there with him!”
Kat closed her eyes, unable to look at Carter for fear that she would fly out of the room and slap her mother senseless.
“Eva, calm down.” Nana Boo’s voice crept under the wood.
“No, I will not calm down. How could you have him in your house? How could you allow this to go on under your roof?”
“Because it is my roof, Eva, and I am your mother. I don’t answer to you.”
There was a beat of silence; the acidic tone of Nana Boo’s words fizzled into the air.
“I should go,” Carter muttered, making his way around the end of the bed.
Kat’s heart dropped to her stomach. “NO!” she called out, scrabbling from the bed toward him, catching her foot in the sheet. “No, you don’t have to go anywhere. Please. Don’t go.”
He avoided her eyes, looking past her, alarm making the muscle in his jaw jump. “I can’t be here.”
“Yes, you can,” Kat urged, grabbing at his biceps. “You have as much right to be here as I do.”
“Kat—”
“If you go, then I’m coming with you.”
Before Carter could answer, the door of the bedroom swung open, smacking the back wall of the room with the momentum with which it was forced. Kat turned to see her mother glaring at the two of them: Kat in Carter’s T-shirt, and he, bare but for his ink and a pair of black boxer briefs.
“Get out,” Kat growled.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Eva’s eyes trailed down Kat’s state of undress.
“Eva,” Nana Boo chastised. “That’s enough.”
“Get some clothes on and come downstairs,” Eva insisted through thin lips, ignoring Nana Boo. She shot daggers at Carter, causing Kat to move protectively in front of him. “Alone.”
“I’m not doing a thing—”
“Now, young lady,” Eva interrupted. She whirled like a dervish and marched out of the room, thumping down the stairway.
“What does she want, Nana?” Kat asked, desperate to feel Carter’s arms around her. He didn’t move.
His stillness and silence were terrifying.
“I don’t know,” Nana Boo replied with a despondent shake of her head. “I’m so sorry to both of you. She called asking if I’d spoken to you. I told her you were here together. I had no idea she planned on coming … I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Kat urged. “It’s her, not you.”
Glancing over her shoulder at Carter, Kat’s stomach rolled violently when she saw his face: angry, barricaded, and closed off from everyone around him.
Even her.
“I’ll give you a moment.” Nana Boo sloped out of the room, closing the door behind her.
Kat sniffed and moved toward her suitcase, ignoring the waves of dangerous calm rolling off Carter. When she started talking, the words came out quickly, bumping into one another.
“We’ll go. We’ll get out of here. I don’t want to be here with her. Nana can lend us the car again and I’ll grab my bag; you can grab yours—”
“No,” Carter interrupted.
She stopped, stock-still in the center of the room.
“Go downstairs and see what she has to say.” His voice was intense and direct, but his eyes flitted around the place, searching for a way out.
“But we can leave together,” she insisted.
Carter bent to grab his sweater. “No, you need to speak to her, Kat.”
Hurt gripped Kat’s heart. She folded her arms, holding herself together. “Why? Why do you want me to talk to her?”
“Because it’s time you did.”
She watched him sit and pull on his socks. “You … can’t leave,” she whispered. Her voice broke. “I need you here.”
“Kat.”
“Please, Carter. Don’t listen to her. Everything she says—it’s not true. It’s not. Please.”
Her breathing started to accelerate, as the thought of him walking out of the door grew more vivid in her mind. Unable to move from her spot for fear that she would shatter, she gasped, “Please. I’ll talk to her if you promise you’ll stay.”
They remained silent for an age, staring at each other, neither of them seemingly wanting to speak. The atmosphere around them was charged but uncomfortably different from how it normally was.
“Peaches, I can’t—”
“You can.”
“I’m no good for yo—”
“Don’t you fucking dare say that!” Sadness gave way to anger. “You are good enough! Christ, you have to know that!”
Carter didn’t answer and continued to look down at the floor. Kat’s heart fractured painfully. Jesus, they were back at square one.
Kat took a tentative step toward him. “Promise me you’ll stay. Promise me you won’t leave.”
He scrunched his eyes shut and bit his bottom lip, but she didn’t care. She needed to hear the words. At that moment, it was the most important thing. Nothing else mattered.
“Carter.”
“Okay,” he answered in a lifeless voice. “I promise.”
“Promise that you won’t leave. Say it.”
He lifted his head and looked at her, but something deep in Kat’s heart told her he was seeing straight through her, and it hurt. It hurt so much.
“I promise I won’t leave.”
He was so crushed, so broken, and Kat hated that she was helpless in putting him back together. “Okay,” she whispered. “Okay.”
Silently, she moved around the room, pulling on a pair of jeans and sneakers. She tied his T-shirt at her right hip and pulled her hair up into a loose ponytail.
“I’ll be right back.” She stood at the doorway with the crumpled brown envelope in her fist. “And then we’re out of here.”
“Kat, I—” She waited for him to continue but, instead, he cracked the knuckles of his right hand and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
With a lead weight in her stomach and a splintering heart, Kat opened the bedroom door. “I’ll be right back.”
* * *
She walked with purpose and dignity into the sitting room, unable to make out any of the words of the obviously heated conversation taking place between Harrison and her mother by a large bay window. The snow had fallen hard overnight, covering the gardens in a winter blanket.
Nana Boo was absent, which pleased Kat. Nana Boo didn’t deserve to see or hear what was about to happen. The fact that her mother had come into Nana Boo’s the way she had, and on Thanksgiving, made Kat’s teeth grind. Seriously, who was the parent here?
Kat stopped with a straight back, arms folded, when Eva caught her eye. “I thought you were at Harrison’s parents’? What are you doing here?”
Eva stared back. “Do not speak to me that way, Katherine.”
“And don’t tell me what to do,” she retorted. “How dare you come into my room, into Nana’s house that way?”
An edge of remorse stole across Eva’s mouth. “Nana is fine. It’s you I’m worried about, furious with, actually.”
“Why?”
“Why? Because my daughter doesn’t speak to me, answer my calls. My daughter, who not only works in a damned prison but is running around town with—with that—”
“Be careful,” Kat warned when Eva waved toward the doorway.
Eva blanched and a flash of hurt lit her eyes. “I am here to put a stop to this.”
Kat scoffed. “Do you know how ridiculous you’re being?”
“What is ridiculous is you’re putting your entire career, your reputation, and maybe even your life on the line for some delinquent waste of space—”
Kat flew toward her mother, stopping only inches away from her. “You do not speak about him that way!”
Kat’s proximity and the ferocity emanating from her every pore made Eva pause.
“Calm down,” Harrison said at her side. He raised his hand toward Kat’s shoulder but dropped it. “Just both of you, please, calm down.”
Eva swallowed. “You may not believe it, but I’m doing this because I love you, Katherine. The prison is no good for you. He’s no good for you.”
“You don’t even know him,” Kat spat. “You never even gave him a chance.”
Eva was incredulous. “And how was I supposed to do that when you carried on behind my back? I had to find out from Beth, from Nana!”
“And it’s such a big mystery why I didn’t tell you!”
“Because you knew it was wrong!” Eva countered. “For God’s sake, you could get into so much trouble.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
Eva’s face grimaced in puzzlement. “Then why are you—?”
“You have done nothing but make me feel like a disappointment ever since I started working at Arthur Kill. Nothing I’ve done since I took that job has been good enough for you; even the man I love is a disappointment in your eyes.”
Eva scoffed. “Oh, please, you don’t love him.”
“With everything that I am,” Kat said imploringly. “You have no idea what I’ve been through these past few months, Mom. How hard it was to face my biggest fears at Kill, to confront what has kept me awake for the past sixteen years.”
Eva’s face pinched.
“But Carter’s been there for me, with me, helping me and caring for me when no one else would.” Kat turned her face toward the ceiling, furious that her mother would even dare to cry. “When I left here that night, it was Carter who took care of me, and never once has he said or done anything to me that warrants such narrow-mindedness from you.”
“He’s a criminal.”
“Like Dad?”
Eva took an unsteady step backward. Her face held an expression of complete shock, but her glistening eyes told Kat it was checkmate. Kat pushed the crumpled envelope against her mother’s chest.
“I wonder,” Kat mused. “Did Grandpa’s hatred make you want to walk away from the man you loved, or did it push you further into his arms?”
Eva stared at the envelope in her hands.
“You should have told me, Mom. It wasn’t Nana’s job to tell me about Dad’s past,” Kat said angrily. “Instead of judging me, instead of judging Carter; you should have been honest with me first.” She willed her tears back. “How could you lie? How could you make me feel so alone?”
“I never wanted that,” Eva answered. “I just … I want you protected, Katherine. You’re all I—I didn’t tell you because I want what’s best for you.”
“Carter is what’s best for me. He may have made bad choices, but he’s a good man and I love him.”
Eva closed her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t lose my daughter, too. I won’t. You’re risking too much!”
“Carter isn’t dangerous!” Kat exploded. “Jesus, Mom. He protects me. He’s protected me since I was nine years old!”
Eva’s face changed to one of perplexity. “What do you mean?”
“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you. You don’t trust a thing I do or say.”
“That’s not true,” Eva argued. “I just—”
“What, Mom?” Kat huffed in exasperation. “Worry? Get scared? Guess what? So do I.”
Eva moved closer. “Listen to me, Katherine. Come home with me. Let’s talk. I can’t keep fighting with you like this. I want us to go back to how we were before all this.” She wrung her hands together. “Don’t you see? This is all because of that damned job, because of him.”
Kat bit her tongue, halting the vitriol that threatened to spill. “I need to be with Carter.” She turned on her heel and made for the door.
“Katherine, wait!”
Kat stopped, took a breath, and turned slowly.
“Talk to me,” her mother urged, pain lacing her features. “I … I want to make this better. I want to make us better.” Frustration and hurt were clear in the sharpness of her shoulders. “I hate that we’re like this. I want … I want my daughter back. Please. I love you.”
Kat fought back the urge to go to her mother and find comfort in her arms. God, she was tired. They’d never fought this way before, never been so far removed from each other. Even after Kat’s father had died and Eva had fallen into herself, there were still moments of affection and hope. A part of Kat’s heart wanted there to be a resolution to the bullshit separating them now, but she knew that wasn’t going to happen. Too much had been said. There was no bridge big enough to cross the divide gaping between them.
“Until you accept that Carter is going to be in my life, I can’t do that, Mom.”
Without waiting for Eva to respond, Kat hurried back up the stairway, needing to get back to Carter, to have him tell her everything would be all right. She needed him around her, needed his scent in her nose and his skin under her hands. She needed his lips on her mouth and his voice in her ear.
The hallway to reach him suddenly seemed a mile long. She rubbed at a dead ache settling above her heart and pushed the bedroom door open, pausing in the doorway, holding her breath.
Empty.
She called his name.
“Katherine, please,” her mother continued from the hallway, having followed her up the stairs.
But Kat didn’t respond. Hastily, she stormed into the en suite.
Empty.
With her heart slamming into her ribs, she dashed back into the bedroom, calling his name.
His bag was gone.
She pushed past her mother, who was still muttering words such as “amends” and “love,” and threw herself down the steps, running in a full sprint to the back door.
Cigarette. He’s having a cigarette. He promised.
“Carter?” The back door flew open, showing only a thick layer of snow across the vast gardens.
Empty.
“Kat?”
Kat spun around, almost collapsing in on herself when she saw her grandmother’s soft, concerned face. “Nana, where is he?”
She shook her head in bewilderment. “I don’t know, sweetheart. I thought he was in your room.”
“No. He isn’t there.” Kat gasped. “He promised me, Nana.”
Kat grappled for her cell phone from her pocket and burst out of the kitchen toward the front door.
“Please pick up,” she whimpered before the voice mail kicked in.
Her panic reached epic proportions when she threw open the front door to find only more cold stillness. Her breath erupted from her mouth in large gray plumes against the frigid air, while her gaze desperately sought Carter’s tall, broad form against the white.
Yet, looking through eyes releasing frightened, angry tears, all Kat could see was a single set of large footprints leading down the driveway, away from the house.
Away from her.
* * *
The screen of Kat’s cell phone lit the entire room as she pressed redial once again.
Voice mail.
She blinked heavy lids over weary, wet eyes.
She’d heard nothing from Carter for twelve hours. Not a text message and no phone call. Silence.
Her head throbbed, her heart was shattered, and her body was exhausted with worry. Every part of her body ached. The hollowness was paradoxically overwhelming.
Still, after many tears cried and hundreds of steps paced, she knew she didn’t blame Carter for any of it. How could she? She couldn’t blame him for finding a way out, an escape route. It had taken six hours, repeated hysterical calls, and numerous texts to him for her to recognize that. But she had.
Carter may have come across as impenetrable, unemotional, and indifferent, but Kat knew he was anything but. He was hopelessly open and fragile.
If anything, Kat was at fault for placing him in a situation in which he was clearly uncomfortable. She should have listened to her instincts and read the anxiety in Carter’s eyes. She’d wanted to show him he was enough, prove to herself that she could help him, that she was strong enough to support him.
She had been so selfish.
Yes, he had promised, Nana Boo said when Kat had laid her head in her lap. Yes, she had trusted him to mean it, but the truth was he hadn’t. He’d said it because she’d made him. He knew she’d needed it, and he’d given it to her. She wouldn’t have spoken to her mother if he hadn’t, and, in many ways, Kat was glad she had.
Not that it achieved much.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all. Their conversations after Carter had left were uncomfortably stilted and curt, but they were conversations nonetheless. Kat had seen it, clear as day, on her mother’s face: she knew it was her presence that had forced Carter to leave. And, whether she admitted it or not, a part of her had to feel responsible.
Kat rolled onto her back, clasping her phone tightly to her stomach. Glancing out of the window, she saw the snow was still coming down. She couldn’t help but agonize about where Carter was and whether or not he was safe. She’d called the airport, but their flight booking hadn’t been altered. She’d no idea whether he had taken another flight home, but something within Kat told her he hadn’t. She’d decided after packing her bag she would leave Nana Boo’s and catch her scheduled flight the following afternoon. Nana Boo, of course, had urged her to stay, telling her that Thanksgiving should be with her family, but truthfully, being in the house with her mother, after everything that’d happened, simply didn’t sit right with Kat. She’d texted Carter telling him where she would be, should he return to her, and left.
Family or not, she needed peace, quiet, time to think.
Just like Carter had.
Jesus, what he must have felt, hearing Kat’s mother say the things she had. Eva’s words had bulldozed every single piece of confidence and self-assurance Kat and Nana Boo had helped construct around Carter the previous day and night. She closed her eyes. God, she just wanted to tell him she loved him.
No matter if he never wanted anything to do with her again, Kat needed him to hear it.
She allowed herself a moment to release a few more tears. They were tears for Carter and the pain he was no doubt in. Tears of the anger she felt toward her mother for doing that to the man she loved; tears for Nana Boo and the awful situation she’d unwillingly become a part of, and tears for her father.
Jesus, how she missed him.
She was so sorry he wasn’t there.
She was so sorry for everything. So sorry and so tired.
Before she could think any more about the shitty mess she’d found herself in, blissful, quiet sleep overcame her.
* * *
There was a noise.
Nestled on the edge of Kat’s consciousness, in a place between dark and light, and reality and dreams, there was definitely a noise.
In her sleep-induced haze, Kat flung her arm out to press the alarm on the digital clock in an effort to stop the—
knock knock knock
Blinking back the sleep gluing her eyes together, Kat sat up, disoriented, slowly becoming aware of her surroundings.
Nana Boo’s favorite suite. The Drake Hotel, Chicago.
With her now-dead cell phone still clasped in her hand and her clothes warm and damp from sleep sweat, she shuffled to the edge of the bed. She flicked on the bedside lamp, drowning the room in elegant light. She listened again, frowning in frustration, wishing her brain would shake itself awake so she could focus properly.
There was nothing.
Silence.
Of course there was only silence. Why had she expected anything else?
Maybe it had been a drea—
knock knock knock
Kat lifted from the edge of the bed and made her way across the bedroom and into the large sitting room of the suite, flicking lights on as she went. Who the hell? She couldn’t remember ordering room service. Cursing herself for not noting the time, Kat dragged her feet toward the door, rubbing her face while simultaneously fixing the nest-like hair residing on her head.
knock knock knock
“Hang on a second,” Kat called sleepily. “I’m coming.”
Ignoring the peephole and muttering about the numerous locks on the door, Kat was still talking toward her feet when she finally got the thing open.
“Sorry,” she apologized, suppressing a yawn. “I was asleep. What’s the prob—”
Kat’s words died in her throat when her eyes met the tall, unexpected figure standing before her. He wasn’t even standing, in fact; he was sagging against the doorjamb with water dripping from his chin and down the sides of his tired face.
His beautiful, perfect face.
“Carter,” Kat squeaked, dazed, unsteady on her feet, and still believing she was dreaming. “Where the— What are …”
Her eyes traveled down his body in disbelief. His clothes were saturated, clinging to his strong form, and the knuckles of his hands were white from the cold. His lips were tinged a dark blue and, as she stared at him with now-wide-awake eyes, she realized he was shivering.
“Jesus, you’re freezing,” she exclaimed, coming to her senses. “Come in and—”
“No,” he rasped, shaking his head and licking the water that subsequently fell to his lips. “I can’t.”
Kat’s heart stuttered. “Why?”
He kept his eyes to the floor. He shook from head to toe and made a pained noise that came from deep within him.
“Carter, you’re going to get sick,” Kat coaxed. “Please.”
“No!” he said loudly, too loudly for a sleeping hotel. “I need …” His chin dropped. “I have to say something first.”
Kat’s knees started to buckle. This was it: what she’d dreaded the most. He was leaving for good. Her heart skipped several beats and her insides clenched in preparation for the devastating impact of his words.
She cleared her throat and exhaled. “Please let me say something first.”
She took his silence as acceptance, even though his eyes remained glued to the sumptuous royal-blue carpet below their feet. Closing her eyes and praying she was able, she began to think of all the things she wanted to say to him.
“I’m so sorry, Carter,” she started. “I’m so sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have brought you here. It was selfish of me. My mother was— Everything she said was bullshit, Carter, I promise you. She’s the only one who believes it. I hate her for what she said. I hate her for making you doubt everything I’ve ever said to you. And I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you for walking away because I would have done the same, and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from the things you were so scared of. God, I’m just so sorry.”
Kat dropped her forehead against the door, terrified it was going to be the last time she ever spoke to him. But she’d said all she could.
“I’m sorry, too,” he uttered, making Kat lift her head. He was still looking at his feet.
“You have nothing to—”
“Let me fucking finish,” he snapped, squeezing his eyes shut. “I need to say this without you interrupting or arguing with me, okay?”
“Okay,” Kat agreed quickly.
“I have plenty to be sorry for,” he ground out through his teeth, pressing his clenched fist against the wall. “I’m—it’s—you’re, you’re … you’re everything to me, and I’m sorry I was such an idiot to have believed I was ever good enough for you.”
Kat pressed her lips together and cupped a hand to her mouth to stop the words of protest.
“I’m sorry I’m weak. I can’t—I—you wreck me, Kat. Things you say to me. The way you … love me. They do things to me, your words; they make me feel things no one else has ever made me feel. I’m sorry I’ve done shitty things, and I was a fuckup—am a fuckup. I can’t ever take my mistakes back. I hate that fact, but I can’t. They’re what they are and I’m who I am because of them.”
His body collapsed farther against the door frame. Kat stayed rooted to the spot, desperate to touch him, comfort him.
“I’m sorry I left,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have, I know I promised, but it was … so fucking hard.” He pressed his forehead against the wall. “I was terrified that— Christ, I knew I should have just stayed in the room and not listened, but I wanted to know what she— I grabbed my bag and left,” he admitted. “Snuck out of the house like the fucking coward I am. I didn’t know what else to do. The walls were closing in.”
“Carter.”
“I felt sick when I heard her say those things,” he continued. “Sick because I knew she was right. And I know you don’t agree, but she’s your mother, Kat, and she cares about you. She doesn’t want you with someone like me, and I get that, I really do. Shit, it kills me, but … I get it.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I figured it was better for everyone if I left.” His long lashes pressed against his cheekbones. “I shouldn’t fucking be here.”
He stood, motionless, silent.
All Kat heard was the pounding of her heart. Her skin was clammy and the knot of helpless terror in her gut tightened incessantly. “Then … why are you here?”
The corner of Carter’s mouth twitched. “Walking out of that door, Kat, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” He pressed a hand over his heart. “When I left there was this pain, like a, I don’t know … It was— It took my breath away. And the farther I walked away from you, the more painful it became. I … I thought I was dying.”
She knew exactly what he meant. There’d been nothing but pain for her since the moment she’d realized he’d gone.
“I walked and walked,” Carter continued. “I was so mad with myself. I knew I had to keep going, and I tried. You have to believe me. I tried so damned hard. But, my heart. Jesus, it was— It was fucking breaking.”
He stood up as straight as his exhausted body would allow, and looked at Kat for the first time.
Their eyes met. His were aged, defeated.
“I hate that I’ve caused so much trouble,” he said miserably. “You’ve had to defend yourself against people who should be happy for you. I have issues, I’m an angry fucker, and I have a terrible temper. I still have shit I need to tell you about myself, and I have no idea where to start because I’m scared shitless you’ll run from me, and I know that makes me a selfish bastard for expecting you not to when I know that’s the best thing for you to do.”
“I—”
“Wait,” he interrupted, breathless, taking a wobbling step toward her. He was so close, Kat had to lift her head to look at him, her eyes level with the sharp edge of his rough jaw.
“Please, Peaches. I want”—he exhaled in frustration—“I want to do the right thing. I know I should walk away. I know I should have put my ass on a plane and gone home instead of standing outside of this hotel for four hours in the snow. I know you deserve better. I know all of that, Kat. But the truth is … the truth is …”
Kat closed her eyes, swaying toward him. She shivered when his ice-cold hand cupped her neck and moved to her cheek.
“The truth is,” he whispered, his lips by her ear, “I’m so damned scared to walk away. I can’t. I’m hopeless without you.”
Kat clutched his forearm, rested her head on his biceps, and released a soft, pained sound of relief.
His nose glided up her temple. “I’m yours. You have to know that. Christ. Tell me you know.”
“I know,” she whimpered. “I know.”
Carter’s body fell into Kat’s, pushing her back, stumbling into the hotel room. She managed to shut the door with the edge of her foot as he buried his face into her neck and began to shiver uncontrollably, mumbling garbled words into her skin. His arms wrapped around her waist, gripping her tighter than he ever had before.
“Kat,” he croaked. “I— Kat. Don’t make me go. Please.”
“Never,” she promised ardently.
His body shook violently.
“Let’s get you warm. Please, let me help you. You’re so cold.”
He stepped back reluctantly so she could unzip his jacket, which she pushed off his shoulders. He stood silently, looking downward, water dripping from his chin onto the floor, as she began to undress him. Wordlessly, and with his top half bare, and gooseflesh puckering every inch of his skin, Kat took his shaking hand and led him to the bathroom. Leaving him by the door, she switched on the five large showerheads, turning them to warm. She removed his boots and socks, unfastened his jeans, and helped him out of his underwear before she took off her own clothes.
As naked as they were together, there was no sexual charge, no fizzling atmosphere, no desperate hands or manic kisses.
With her palm in his, Kat guided him into the shower, moving so the water hit his body first. As they stood under the stream, she turned the temperature up gradually, not wanting to shock his body with the heat.
She pulled him into her arms. “Let me make you warm.”
He wound his arms around her, dropping his face to her shoulder. He shook his head against her neck. “I couldn’t leave. I know I should have, but I couldn’t.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
“I’m so scared. Fuck. I’m so scared.” His voice broke. He pulled her closer, his large frame dwarfing hers, making her spine bend backward.
“Don’t be scared,” she insisted, rubbing his back. “I’m here.”
Carter tried to move closer. “I can’t lose—I—God. It hurts to even think about it.” His voice became hoarse. “Help me,” he begged. “Help me. I can’t …”
“Carter,” Kat urged. “Calm down. Please.”
While holding them both upright and maneuvering as best as she could, she managed to guide them both down to the shower floor, a mass of heavy limbs that never unraveled or lost contact. She’d never seen him this way before. Every barrier she’d ever come up against, every last piece of his armor that remained—the cockiness, the indifference, the anger, and the hate—was disintegrating before her, leaving his body with every drop of water that hit him, running off his trembling skin, and disappearing down the drain.
She cradled him, pulling him closer, winding her arms around his inked shoulders and her legs around his waist, while he pressed his coarse cheek against her chest. His shoulders quaked and heaved with gasps and hiccoughs.
She heard him moan at the same time his body shook.
Oh God.
He was crying.
She ran her hands up his back and neck, trying to calm him while struggling to keep herself together. “You’re all right, sweetheart.”
“I need—I need to …”
She kissed his neck. “Tell me what you need.”
“Jesus, it’s … it’s, it’s here.” He grappled for her hand and pulled it to his thundering heart. “I’ve never felt anything like it.” He licked his lips. “It hurts.”
“Your heart hurts?”
His face collapsed.
Kat watched the hot water fall down his face.
“It’s yours. All of it.” He blinked his sodden lashes. “I know now.
“Kat, I …” Carter lifted his head and, with his nose at the side of hers, his arms wrapped around her, and with the steam of the water cocooning them both, he opened his mouth, gazed into her eyes, and breathed, “I … I … love you.”