CHAPTER ONE
Axe
My father was a drunk piece of shit. My mother was a weak bitch. It wasn’t bad enough that she stayed there long enough to meet her end, but she also brought a kid into that ugly world. I hated both of them, but at least my mother did her best to shield me and show me some kind of love.
For the circumstances, she did the best she could, I guess. When she was home, which wasn’t a lot considering she was the only one in the house working, she talked to me and made sure I was fed.
I remembered when I was little, after my father had passed out, she would come in and sing me to sleep, doing her best to chase away all the monsters that called out from inside the walls.
But those monsters were always there, it didn’t matter what time of day, and when her lyrical words stopped, they came back roaring with a vengeance. She couldn’t stop them, or so I wanted to believe.
As I grew, I began to realize that she could have, only she was too weak to even try. I should have been the one, but then again, I was just a boy. I didn’t know the first thing about defending myself or my mother. Some days, I wished that I could have saved her. But others, I was thankful that she was gone.
That night set off a chain of events that changed my life—and hers. If I were being honest, I would say it was a blessing in the end. I got a new life and she got to be free, in a way. I wouldn’t say that the images and sounds of that night didn’t haunt me to this day. In fact, I relived them more than I was able to escape them, and I had a feeling that I would never truly be free of them.
We all make choices. My father made his that night. My mother made hers. Yet, somehow, I was the one left to suffer.
Chop.
I did my best to chase the monsters away with every swing.
Some days were better than others. Today was one of those days that I knew I’d be swinging until my arms gave out.
“What the fuck is yer problem, boy?”
The overplayed memories rushed in, clouding my brain like a sandstorm.
Chop.
The sound of the wood splintering did nothing to soothe the anger in my veins.
“Yer momma’s not here to protect you, you little shit!”
His terrifying tone rang in my ears just as loud as it had been that night. It was as if I were right back there in that dirty, dilapidated house
Chop. Chop.
My breaths rushed out of my body with each swing.
“Get yer worthless ass out here! Don’t make me come find you, boy!”
Odd as it was, I could see myself in the memory. A scared six-year-old boy in a dirty shirt. Snot dripped from my nose and I wiped it away with a bony hand that wouldn’t stop shaking. My body was so frail it hurt just to stand up, but it was worse sitting down. My stomach was in a constant state of caving in on itself and I prayed to a god I knew nothing about to not let it release a hungry growl at that moment.
Chop.
His footsteps hit hard on the old wood floor and by the sounds of the creaking boards, I could tell exactly how close he was. I knew how many seconds I had left until the closet door flung wide open. My hiding never did any good, but every time I still tried my hardest to be quiet.
“You can’t hide from me. You get out here and take yer punishment like a man.”
His staggered breathing told me he was right on the other side. The door flew open and my frail body was jerked out with such force that I heard my shoulder pop. The pain shot throughout my body but I bit my tongue to keep my cries at bay. I cowered, doing my best to prepare for the punishment I didn’t even deserve.
Chop. Chop. Chop.
“Axe!”
My head jerked towards the back of the compound building. Everyone knew not to bother me when I was out here. I pushed the rage down as I yanked the ax out of the tree and made my way to Loch. I had no doubt that if he was out there then it must have been something important.
Sweat dripped from my brow and as the wind blew I realized that the temperature had dropped a few degrees.
How long have I been out here?
“Yeah?” I asked with a chin jerk when I got within a few feet of him.
“It’s Tank. We need to ride, now.” His tone told me that he didn’t know all the details but we needed to get moving with urgency. “I called Diesel. He’ll be here in ten.”
“I’ll be ready,” I said moving past him and heading for my room.
I grabbed clothes from my dresser, not even caring what they were, and shoved them into my bag. Not even five minutes later, I was ready to go.
Everyone here was a brother to me, but Tank was above most. Next to Cal, the president, he was the one I trusted the most. He was the one that had been there for me when I needed a friend.
Don’t get me wrong, the men of the Steel Paragons MC were all good men. They never looked down on me for where I came from, what I had to deal with growing up, or what happened the night that led me to this place. They also did their best to never talk about it. Which, I was fucking grateful for. I was sure some of them had questions as to why I’d left my old man alive, but they never voiced them. Not even Cal. However, I had a feeling Cal knew exactly why I’d made that decision.
In my mind, that piece of shit deserved to rot in his own hell before he left to meet his maker. And I made sure he spent that time decaying in his own shit completely alone.
I took in a deep breath. I could admit that I was worried about my big friend. I understood his need to take off. He had a heavy weight on his shoulders. My hope was that he would take the time he needed to heal, to move on, and then he’d come back. But a few weeks ago when Loch and I had made the trip up to the cabin, I had my doubts that he would ever recover.
I felt helpless. I wanted nothing more than to be there for him but he was determined to push everyone away. I knew it would only do more harm than good if I planted my ass there and told him I was staying. So, I left, feeling wrecked by the man I forced myself to turn away from. The hopeless, broken man. All I could do was put my faith in something higher and pray that he made it out the other side alive.
Once Diesel showed up, Loch pulled us into church where Cal and Bocca were waiting.
“Got a call from Brass. Tank showed up there not even an hour ago. He’s wounded and out of it. Brass don’t know what happened,” Cal said. “Axe, I need you to take point on this one. They have a woman there, came in with Tank and Brass said somethin’ is off.”
I nodded, not liking the feeling that shot up my spine.
I had no problem hurting someone if need be. But a woman…that was something we never did. By the strange tone in Cal’s voice, he wasn’t exactly on board with my normal ways of doing things, too.
“Tread lightly. We need information out of her. All Brass said was that she ain’t talkin’.” Cal said, his eyes narrowing at me as if he was trying to communicate something to me.
“Got it,” I said in my usual flat tone. Though, I was hesitant about the whole thing. I guessed the only thing I could do was wait until I got there and saw the situation for myself.
“Keep me updated,” Cal said turning his attention to Loch.
With a chin lift, Loch turned and left the room. The rest of us followed out.
Three hours later, we were pulling through the gates of the Gray Fort compound. I needed to know Tank was alright. I had no idea what the fuck I was about to walk into.
A woman. Shit! I didn’t have the first clue on how to handle that.
One, I wasn’t sure what I had that would help me going into this situation. I wasn’t some sweet talker like Bocca. I wasn’t overly terrifying like Diesel. And I didn’t have age on my side like Loch. To some, I was still wet behind the ears. That didn’t mean I couldn’t handle my shit though.
Two, I never thought I’d see the day that a woman was on the wrong end of things. We didn’t typically come up against women who held power in a sinister way.
And three, if she had anything to do with Tank getting hurt, I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t go over the edge. I had a hard enough time keeping myself in check on a normal day, never mind when someone I cared about like a fucking brother was involved.
“You good?” Diesel asked as he dismounted his bike and unstrapped his helmet.
It was then that I realized I was still sitting there, staring blindly at the front door to the clubhouse.
“Yeah,” I said. My nose twitched giving away the amount of discomfort I was feeling at that moment. Sometimes, I wished I was normal enough to be able to hide that shit.
It was a fine line between tough, closed-off asshole and psychotic. Wasn’t sure which one I was just yet. My voice never gave anything away, and I was sure if I tried hard enough I could hide the expressions on my face. Most of the time they were so subtle that no one would pick up on them unless they’d been around me enough.
I thought back to what it all stemmed from. I used to have better control over my emotions. It was after Cal brought me to the club that I started to try in little ways. Seeing people confused by the way I talked made some of my hardness slip. Only, I couldn’t change the monotone voice that had pretty much been beaten into me. So I found other ways to set people at ease.
Yes, I was a freak. Completely made by my environment. Adapt, that was the one word I would use for how I’d learned to make it through life.
“Let’s go see how he’s doing,” Diesel said, slapping me on the back in a comforting way. He didn’t miss the nose twitch and he understood the complicated feelings I had racing through my head.
He was close with Tank, too. I knew he considered him a best friend, if you will. Even after all that shit that Tank had said to him before he took off, Diesel was still here. He didn’t hold any of it against Tank. I knew this couldn’t be easy for him, but yet, he still came.
We made our way inside, and without stopping, headed for Brass’ office.
“This is a mess,” Brass said as soon as we all gave our greetings. “I have no idea what the hell to do. I got her down in the basement and Knight watching over her. I have no clue who she is or why she was with him. She won’t talk.”
“How’d they get here? You said Tank was out cold when they showed up.” Loch said taking control of the conversation for all of us.
“Yeah. Drove up in Tank’s truck. Scary lookin’ woman, man. She has deadly written all over her. Tank was slumped in the seat, bleeding from his side. Frannie said the shot only grazed him, he’s patched up now. Only explanation he could give to why Tank’s still out is that maybe he was drugged with somethin’.”
I blew out a harsh breath. Finding out Tank was good relieved some of the tension in my neck but it still didn’t mean that this was about to get easy. In fact, knowing I was going to be the one dealing with the woman in the basement almost made me sick to my stomach.
“Let’s get this over with,” I said as I put my game face on.
With a nod, Brass led me through the clubhouse and to the basement. I tossed my cut over the banister at the bottom of the stairs. I knew the rest of the guys were going to go see how Tank was doing and I had mixed feelings about doing this on my own.
See, I always knew I walked a razor wire in life. I knew the demon was right there, hovering over my shoulder, ready to possess my soul at any moment. There were times when I was alone that I let him in. I would turn my brain over to him and let the dark thoughts take root for just a bit. I honestly had no idea why I did. Maybe I thought that if I knew what was hidden there in the dark corners of my mind then I could prepare myself for them. But sometimes they would threaten to take over at the worst moments.
And that was what I needed to avoid at all cost right now.
As I walked along the wall to where the cells were, I noticed someone sitting in the corner. He tilted his head when I approached.
Shit. I almost didn’t recognize the fucker.
Knight.
Hadn’t seen him in four years. Once he was off to college like a big boy I would have sworn I’d never see him again. But there he was, proving that this life just ran in some people’s blood.
I approached the cell bars with quiet, easy steps. Her eyes were already on mine as I stepped out of the shadows. It was like she already knew I was there. Her body was sitting relaxed on the bed, but the way she held herself told me that she was ready to strike if need be. I wouldn’t let myself be fooled by her nonchalant act.
Damn, Brass was right, there was something about her that made the air feel like a knife cutting my lungs. Deadly was almost too calm of a word for it.
“Who are you?” I asked, keeping my face as flat as my tone.
Her eyes narrowed at me.
“How is he?” she asked, her tone matching mine.
“Who are you?” I repeated.
Her eyes blinked slowly as if I was boring her to death.
“What happened to him?” I tried to change direction. I just wanted something from her.
After a long standstill of silence, I could feel my blood heating up. I wanted some Goddamn answers and she seemed to be all out of fucks to give.
“Who shot him?” I asked, somehow keeping my cool.
“Is he okay?”
Why did she want to know? Why the fuck wasn’t she telling me anything? This was beyond infuriating and I knew I was going to get nowhere with her.
Suddenly, I was glad for the bars. I was thankful that I had no way to get to her. Because as the red started to cloud my vision, images of her on the floor covered in her own blood flashed in my mind. My hand bloodied and swollen from punching her flesh until it split open. My clothes splattered in red. And I could almost feel the crunch of her bones against my fist as I beat her face in.
I could see it like it was all real. Like I wanted to make it real. I could smell the copper in the air even though it wasn’t there. My skin prickled as if there was a draft in the room, but I knew better. It was always in my head.
I looked down to my hand and flexed my fingers. The ring that was in my vision wasn’t there in reality. It wasn’t me, I wasn’t that monster, even if I reveled in the bloodlust of all that my mind conjured up.
That led to the questions that always came up.
Will today be the day that I go too far?
Will it be the day that I start to hate myself?
“What happened to him?” I asked, pinning her with my dark stare.
Her eyes flashed with a strange glint and I almost sucked in a sharp breath at the sight. The corner of her lips twitched so quickly that I wondered if I’d really seen it.
I felt naked. Exposed. Stripped of all my armor. The feeling of being raw to someone quaked me to my core. With a silent exchange, she let me know that she had my fucking number. That she could fucking see the struggle I was going through.
No.
Nope.
Fuck this.
I turned and stormed off, so pissed I was sure I was shaking. Who the fuck was this chick? I hadn’t been that unnerved being around someone in a long fucking time.