TREY HAD SLIPPED OUT OF bed earlier and took a shower while I laid there and stared out my oversized window. The guilt of last night washed over me like a wave of nausea. I rolled over as the sheet slipped down, exposing me more than I wanted.
Trey turned and smiled. It was a beautiful smile and I wished like hell it did something more to me, but it didn’t. I read in all those damn romance books how your heart is supposed to fall or stupid butterflies flutter in your stomach.
Bullshit.
None of that had ever happened to me.
When he dropped the towel he had wrapped around his waist, something did happen. My lower stomach pooled with heat as I licked my lips.
“Good morning,” he softly spoke.
My eyes lit up at the sound of his voice as I pulled the sheet down, exposing my naked body to him. “Not yet it isn’t.”
His smile grew as he crawled onto the bed and kissed me sweetly. I wasn’t used to guys hanging around the morning after. Not like I had a revolving door of men coming and going. I’d slept with about six different guys my entire life. None of them I shared any kind of relationship with.
All men wanted the same thing.
Sex.
Of course I had had plenty of fun with plenty of guys. If they were willing to get me off in the corner of a club, or in my car, I was more than up for it. Anything to numb the emptiness I felt in my heart. Sex was saved for when I really needed to forget life.
Wrapping my arms around him, I pulled him on me and quickly forgot about my guilt as my legs hooked around the back of his.
“Condom,” I spoke against his lips as he grabbed one off the side table and sheathed himself.
He pushed in as we both let out a moan. Slowly he made love to me. It was different. It was nice. It was something I could learn to like. And that scared the hell out of me.
With his forehead leaning against mine, our breathing slowly returned to normal.
“I need to tell you I don’t normally go home with women like this.”
With a smile, I chewed on my lip. “I don’t normally bring guys home like this either.”
His amber eyes shinned a bit brighter as he kissed the tip of my nose; a sweet gesture that did nothing. I was positive it should have made me feel some kind of swoon moment.
Trey pulled out of me and removed the condom before lying down next to me. “Will you have breakfast with me?”
Pressing my lips together, I had to keep the panic feeling rising in my chest down as I rolled over on my side to face him. “Breakfast?” I asked with a smile.
“Yeah. And maybe after practice, dinner?”
My fingers moved lightly over his huge arm. Damn this guy was built like a rock. “What kind of practice?” His face pulled back in shock before it was replaced by a look of sheer bliss. His grin caused me to chuckle. “What’s with that smile?”
“You don’t know who I am?”
My heart dropped. Oh shit. Am I supposed to know him? Oh hell. Shit. Shit. Shit. What have I got myself into?
“Um . . . should I?”
He pulled my body closer to his as my hand went to his massive chest. “No. You have no idea how happy you just made with that simple answer, Paislie.”
I liked how Trey made me feel. Not many men made me feel like I was wanted for something other than money or sex. “So are you going to tell me why you thought I knew you?”
His smile faded for a brief second. “Promise it won’t change anything?”
Lifting my pinky finger up, I replied with, “I pinky promise.”
“Trey Rogers. I play for the Dallas Cowboys.”
My smile dropped and I pinched my eyebrows together as I let it sink in that I just had sex all night, and then again this morning, with the star running back of the Dallas Cowboys. “Does this mean I have to be a fan of the Cowboys now, ‘cause I’m more of a Texan’s fan,” I said as Trey let out a roar of laughter and pulled me on top of him.
“I like you, Paislie.”
As much as I didn’t want to say it . . . I forced it out as to not hurt Trey’s feelings. “I kind of like you too, Trey.”
Pushing the large doors open, I made my way into the old church. Dipping my fingers in holy water, I made the sign of the cross. My heart felt light and free as I walked further in. Bending on one knee, I slid down the wooden pew and quickly went to my knees.
Crossing my hands, I rested my forehead.
Please forgive me father for my weakness. Forgive me for desiring the needs my body selfishly craves.
“I thought I saw you walking in.”
Her voice pulled me from my prayer. Turning to look over my shoulder, I smiled when I saw Sister Elizabeth.
“Elizabeth,” I said as I pushed myself up and made my way to her. Dropping to my knees, I let my head fall.
“Child, why are you dropping to your knees before me? Stand up, Paislie.”
Doing as she said, I stood, took her hands in mine and kissed the back of them. “I’ve missed you, Sister Elizabeth.”
My eyes took in the only woman I’d ever had in my life as a mother-figure. She was a young, beautiful twenty-year-old when she first held my eight-year-old hand in hers and led me into Saint Patrick’s Orphanage. Now she stood before me as an even more beautiful thirty-seven-year-old woman, who also happened to be one of my best friends.
With a smile, I shook my head. “I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to the fact you don’t wear a habit anymore.”
With a chuckle, she wrapped her arm with mine as we made our way to the front of the church.
“I see the heaviness in your eyes, Paislie. Do you want to talk?”
At one point in my life, I told this woman everything. Every hope, desire, and dream I had floating in my head, even my wish to follow in her footsteps and become a nun.
“I was asking for forgiveness.”
“Hmm . . . for?”
My eyes closed as we sat in the front pew. “My ways.”
“I see,” she said as she looked at me. “Paislie, you’re a young woman and your ways as you call them are normal feelings that every woman has. Even me.”
Pressing my lips together, my chin trembled. “I’m not as strong as you, Elizabeth.”
“Strength has nothing to do with it. I had a calling . . . your calling is not the same as mine.”
“Do you ever wish your life was different?”
She lifted her brow as she stared intently at me. “Let’s go for a walk outside. I need to check and see how my winter garden is doing today.”
Lacing my arm with hers, we made our way out to the garden tucked behind the church.
I inhaled a deep breath of air as I let the familiar smells of this place fill my senses. After walking in silence for a few minutes, she finally spoke.
“Paislie, you let guilt fill your heart when you follow your human nature. Sex is not a bad thing and something you certainly shouldn’t feel the need to drop to your knees and ask forgiveness for.”
I swallowed hard. “What if I’m using it for all the wrong reasons?”
She lifted a brow. “You don’t have feelings for him?”
I let out a gruff laugh. “No, Elizabeth. It’s nothing like that.” Anytime we were alone and just the two of us, I called her Elizabeth. Around others from the church, she was always Sister Elizabeth. Over the years we had grown very close. With just twelve years separating us, she was more like an older sibling to me. Almost a mother figure. “It’s always been about the feeling I get out of sex. The desire to have a man want me for something . . . anything. The attention feels . . . good.”
Motioning for me to sit on a bench, she softly replied, “Oh . . . I see.”
“I’m making myself sound like a slut. Forgive my language. I haven’t slept with that many men, but more than I should have at my age. I often wonder if I’m even capable of loving someone. If I let my heart open up to them, I have a fear they’re going to leave me like my father did.”
“Everyone is capable of loving, Paislie. Don’t let what your father did to you lead you down a road you’re not meant to travel.”
I thought back to this morning with Trey. “I did meet a guy last night. We had a . . . um . . . well, we had a good time together.” I felt the heat in my cheeks as Elizabeth covered her mouth to hide her smile.
“Do you like him?”
With a shrug of my shoulders I chewed on my lip. “I think I could possibly like him. He knows how to make me . . . well . . . gosh you know sometimes it would be so much easier if you weren’t a catholic nun!”
With a giggle, she bumped my arm. “I am still a woman though. I have the same desires as you do.”
“Oh, Elizabeth I’m pretty sure your desires are nothing like mine.”
We both laughed as she nodded her head. “Most likely not. Paislie, do me one favor.”
“Anything,” I said with a smile.
“Open your heart and let your father leaving you go. You’re going to meet someone who is going to love you and want to give you every bit of happiness he can.”
Wringing my hands together, I pushed out a deep breath. “I sure hope God will let me know when I meet him. So far he has given me no clues.”
Standing, she reached for my hand. “Trust me. He will. Now help me pick some of this squash. You can take some home with you.”
My heart always felt so much lighter after visiting with Elizabeth. If only I thought the words she spoke were true.