HER GREEN EYES WERE HOLDING me captive as she stared at me. My heart had been pounding so hard in my chest as I watched her with Sophie. I wasn’t sure what these feelings were I was feeling, but I knew I needed more of it. These last two months had been fucking hell. There were so many times I longed to see her. Craved to see her. To taste her lips.
Paislie was unlike anything I had ever experienced. For the little amount of time I had spent with her, I had become addicted. It was as if she was a drug, and I needed a fix every single day.
Seeing her here now was almost too much.
“You look good, Paislie.”
My voice seemed to pull her out of her trance. Her eyes were soft but quickly turned dark as she opened her mouth to say something but quickly shut it.
Sophie tugged on Paislie’s arm. “Come on! We’re wastin’ time!”
Paislie’s eyes softened as she looked down at my niece. “Okay, let’s go.”
I watched them as they hurried off into the house. I could hear sweet Sophie talking a mile a minute.
Janet walked up next to me and chuckled. “She’s certainly excited, isn’t she?”
“Yeah, she thinks she scored a playmate.”
“I’m thinking she’s not the only one who thinks that.”
I did a double take over at my assistant. “What?”
Janet gave me a look like I knew exactly what she was talking about. “Please, you don’t think I know? Paislie was at the hospital, remember? She was the girl you spent the weekend with before the accident. I also know you’re not stupid enough to pay someone twice their salary and room and board to come and be your personal physical therapist. I may be old, but I’m not stupid. You don’t pay me to be stupid.”
Shit. I totally forgot about Paislie being at the hospital.
“No ma’am, I do not.”
Janet held the front door open for me as I used the crutches to walk into the house. I’d gotten my cast off and had begun therapy a few weeks back. The first two physical therapists were idiots. The first one seemed to be more interested in my cock than she was getting my leg back in working order. The other one was so old, I was sure he was about to fall asleep during our first session.
Paislie was my only hope at returning back to racing. A heavy feeling rolled through my stomach as I remembered why she walked away from me in the first place.
The first thing I needed to do was tell her I was sorry for what I said to her.
“Come on, you need to do some walking. Help me make lunch.”
I followed Janet through the house and into the kitchen. When I bought this house, everything needed updating. Janet was in charge of all of it. The kitchen was her biggest project and I had to admit she did a great job.
Cream cabinets with black granite countertops were her first pick. I moaned internally as I thought about the hours upon hours she had me looking at backsplashes. I finally pointed to a random picture just to get her to stop. Tumbled stone she called it. It now graced the walls in the kitchen and I had to admit it looked damn good.
I perched my crutches up against the wall as I helped her get everything ready for lunch.
“Malcolm, I’ve never asked questions because honestly it’s none of my business, but I have to ask you something.”
As I picked grapes and set them in a bowl, I replied, “Go for it, Janet.”
“What happened to you that makes you push love away?”
My body froze. “What makes you think I push love away?”
Her eyes were on me and I could feel the intensity of her stare.
“You seem to forget I know everything that goes on in your life . . . probably better than you. I also hear things.”
I turned to her and raised an eyebrow. “You hear things? What kind of things?”
She smirked as she went back to making the sandwiches. “Oh you know, Dalton making arrangements for . . . visitors. Ashley, Emmit’s sister, and her visits to you. Those kinds of things.”
“You knew about Ashley?”
Janet let out a dry laugh. “What do you pay me for, Malcolm? Do you know how many times I had to cover for you? Like the one time you flew Ashley in for a . . . visit . . . and Emmit almost walked onto your bus with his little sister in there. I intercepted him, because if he ever found out, you’d have gotten two broken legs at the hands of one very pissed off brother.”
My mouth fell open. “Wow. Janet, you’re like Super Woman.”
She nodded. “Yes, I am.”
I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her brown hair that was sprinkled with bits of grey throughout. “I love you like you’re my mother. Thank you for always taking care of me.”
“Don’t change the subject,” she barked as I dropped my arms to my side.
With a shrug, I said, “I’m not interested in love. It’s not something I want.”
“Really?” she questioned as she sliced avocado and placed it next to the lettuce. “Pop that bread down in the toaster, will you?”
Doing as she asked, I nodded. “Yep.”
She wiped her hands on a dishrag and turned to face me. “What was her name?”
The heaviness in my heart came back as I lifted my head and looked out the massive floor-to-ceiling windows.
“Casey was her name. We started dating our freshman year of high school.” My hand came up to the back of my neck as I tried to rub the immediate tension out. The memory came back as if it had just happened. I could smell her perfume, like she was standing right next to me. “She had been at a football game and I just found out I was being moved up to the Xfinity Series. I couldn’t wait to tell her. After the game, I pulled her under the bleachers and told her. I always knew a part of her hated I did it because she was always afraid I would get hurt. But she knew how much I loved it.” I smiled as I remembered her launching her body against mine as she hugged me.
“Oh my gosh! Malcolm, this is the best news ever!”
I held onto her tightly as she hugged me for what seemed like forever.
When she stepped back, she shook her head. “You’re going to become so famous. People will go crazy when you drive around those tracks.”
I laughed as I took her hands in mine. “Let’s hope. I’m not starting out driving full time. I have to work my way up and earn that, but this is a great move. I’m one down from the big times, Casey. This could change our future.”
She nodded enthusiastically. “I know.” With a huge smile on her face, she pulled me closer to her. “Let’s go to the cabin. I want to be with you. Let’s celebrate by making love.”
I placed my hand on the side of her face. “Sounds like a fucking amazing idea.”
Our cabin was six miles outside of Waco and was on the old dairy farm that was my grandfather’s. The cabin Casey and I would go to was the old original cabin. It was our spot and the place where we made love for the first time over a year ago.
Casey grabbed my hand and pulled it to her lips. “Malcolm, do you see us getting married someday?”
I turned to look at her quickly before looking back at the road. My heart felt as if it froze. Casey mentioning marrying her had me a bit freaked out, but I knew I cared about her. Hell, she was the only girl I’d ever loved. “Yeah, I see us getting married someday.”
“Tell me I’ll be the only girl you’ll ever love. Promise me that.”
I hesitated for a moment and I wasn’t sure why. With a smile on my face, I squeezed her hand and went to tell her just that when all I heard were tires skidding. The lights from another car shined into my truck as I felt the force of their vehicle slam into the passenger side.
After my truck stopped spinning, I called out Casey’s name when I saw her lifeless body. The whole side of her face was bleeding. Another driver helped me pull her from the car as I checked to see if she was breathing.
Nothing.
I started CPR on her as I heard someone behind me crying.
I didn’t answer her. Shit! I didn’t answer her.
“Please don’t leave me! You’ll always be the only girl I’ll ever love. Baby, don’t leave me! I swear to you, Casey!”
“By the time the ambulance got there, she hadn’t been breathing for over ten minutes. She was gone.”
I fought to hold my tears in. “I never got to answer her. She died before I had a chance to tell her what she wanted to hear. Since that day, I never took another moment for granted. Life can be stripped from us like that,” I said as I snapped my fingers. “I was living life for her. Every time I got behind the wheel of a racecar, I raced for her. Every time I jumped out of a plane, I did it for her. That rush I got out of it only reminds me that each day is a gift and how her life was stripped of that gift.”
Janet placed her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. “Oh darling, what a terrible thing to happen to you at such a young age.” She paused for a moment and then shook her head. “You can’t not ever love again, Malcolm. You need to open your heart and let love in. Casey would not have wanted you to go through life not loving someone.”
I looked down at my hands. “I know, Janet. I know. The thought of opening my heart to someone else is frightening, though.” I exhaled a deep breath as my cheeks blew out. The only woman who ever made me feel alive other than Casey had been Paislie. And the fact that I’d only been around her a few times and she brought out more feelings in me than even Casey did scared the ever-living fuck out of me. I was positive Janet saw it in my eyes.
“You’ll never know unless you go for it. Life is messy, you know that. But wouldn’t you have rather have loved and lost, than to have never known what that feeling of love was like?”
“Considering the hell I went through after her death, I’m not sure how to answer that.”
Janet’s eyes pooled with tears as I heard little feet running down the hall. Janet stepped away and headed over to the sink when Sophie ran into the kitchen.
“I showed Paislie my room and she said she would have loved to have had a room like mine when she was little!”
My eyes peeked over to Paislie who stood awkwardly in the doorway to the kitchen. “Did you show her where her room was?”
Sophie shook her head. “Nope. I thought you wanted to show her.”
Sophie skipped over to Janet. “Am I eating lunch with Uncle Malcolm and Paislie?”
With a laugh, Janet said, “Oh no! We’re having a picnic outside in the backyard under your favorite oak tree.” She reached for a basket and showed it to Sophie. “See! I packed us a lunch.”
“Oh yay! Let’s go, Ms. Janet! Let’s go!”
Paislie and I both chuckled as Sophie pulled Janet out the back door and down the path to Sophie’s favorite spot.
“She has a ton of energy; I don’t know how my sister does it,” I said as I watched them through the glass window as they walked away.
I needed to clear my head after talking about Casey. I stood slowly and pointed to the plates. “Would you mind bringing these over to the table? I’ll grab the grapes.”
Paislie stood there and looked at me with a blank expression for a few moments before walking over and balancing both plates on her arm while grabbing the grapes. “You’ll want to make sure you use the crutches; don’t try to put too much weight on your leg and knee. You’ll only do more harm than good.”
I didn’t say a word as I did what she said. Her tone was cold and distant.
Janet had already placed glasses of iced tea on the table.
“Hope you like BLTA’s. The A is for the avocado Janet insists putting on.”
She slid down into her seat and bowed her head. I was guessing she was saying a quick prayer. She’d done it that night on the roof as well.
“It’s fine, thank you.”
We ate for a few minutes in silence before I couldn’t take it any longer. “You changed your number, why?”
Without looking at me she answered, “You wouldn’t stop calling.”
“Paislie, you didn’t even give me a chance to explain.”
Her head jerked up. “Explain what, Malcolm? Why you called me a whore?”
Anger flowed through my veins as I shook my head. “I didn’t call you a whore.”
Her eyes glassed over as she softly spoke. “You might as well have because that’s how you made me feel.”
My breathing slowed and my body felt heavy. “I never meant to make you feel like that. I was angry and I’m so sorry I took it out on you. Especially with something you confided in me with. I have no room to judge anything you’ve done. Please forgive me, Paislie. Please.”
She cleared her throat and sat up straighter. “It’s fine, Malcolm. Let’s move on and concentrate on your recovery. I’ll stay for as long as it takes for you to find another physical therapist you like. We’ll figure out why you haven’t liked the others you had and find the right fit for you.”
My stomach dropped. “I don’t want another physical therapist. I want you.”
Her eyes lit up for a quick moment before she looked away. “This is crazy for you to be paying me this much. You’re very capable of going into an office for therapy. I’ve already looked into it and there are plenty of very good therapists in the Waco area.”
I wasn’t sure if I should be angry or upset that she didn’t want to help me. Not uttering a word, Paislie’s eyes grew wider. “Malcolm! Don’t you see how insane this is?”
Pushing my plate back, I slowly stood. “I’ll show you to your room. There is a copy of my medical records there for you to look over. If you need anything, the housekeeper’s name is Clarisse. It’s her day off today, so I’ll introduce you to her tomorrow.”
She looked at me like I had lost my goddamn mind. Maybe I had. Who the hell knew?
Paislie slowly stood and followed me down a hall. The guest bedroom was on the opposite side of the house from the master. It was probably bigger than her apartment.
“If you want your cat to roam around the whole house, that’s fine. Janet wasn’t sure so she just had everything set up for her in your bathroom.”
We got to the end of the hall and I opened the door. Paislie’s eyes widened as she took a step inside and mumbled something under her breath.
“My goodness. This is a bedroom?”
“It’s the guest bedroom. My parents usually take this room when they’re here. The bathroom is to your left. If you need anything from the store, just let me or Clarisse know. Janet and her husband will be leaving for Mexico for two weeks, but normally they stay in the smaller guest house down from the main house.”
Paislie spun around and flashed me a huge smile. “You sent them to Mexico?”
I grinned and said, “Well, she’s earned it for putting up with my grumpy ass for the last two months.”
She let out a soft chuckle.
“I’ll leave you alone to get settled.”
“Wait! What am I supposed to do when we’re not doing therapy?”
My dick jumped at the things I wanted to do with her, yet the guilt for feeling the way I was feeling was tearing me up inside. With a dull smile, I said, “Use your imagination. As long as you’re here, everything is yours to use.”
Paislie pinched her eyebrows together as she stared at me with a tense expression.
A part of me wished I hadn’t even called to have her come out. Seeing her did insane things to me. After talking to Janet, I was even more confused about my feelings, especially my feelings for Casey and that pissed me off. The last thing I wanted to do was take it out on Paislie again.
Turning, I made my way out of her room and shut the door behind me as I let out the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding.
I may have just made the biggest mistake of my life by having her here.