Anthony
Macie calls me the next day and we talk for an hour. We’re both busy with work all week, but we make plans to meet on Thursday night for dinner. In the meantime, we text and talk on the phone all week. Somehow, we’re unable to get enough of each other.
I find out she grew up in the Midwest and moved to Westbrook to open her catering company. She comes from a big family with a conservative background, and that’s part of the reason she never really explored the kinky side of herself before. She always thought it was wrong and somehow bad.
When I give her a list of books to read, she surprises me by admitting she already bought most of them on her Kindle.
“I’ve been doing a lot of reading since Saturday,” she admits. “And it’s been really, really fun.” A vision of Macie touching herself to a dirty book flashes through my head, but I push it aside.
Focus.
I need to focus on work.
I need to get through the week and on Thursday, when we meet for dinner, I can finally allow myself to relax. Somehow, Macie seems to calm me. She brings me a strange sense of peace. Whether we’re talking or texting, I love the way she helps me relax. Even though my job is very intense and there is a lot of pressure and anxiety that accompanies it, she makes me feel like everything is going to be okay.
She makes me feel like I’m going to be all right.
The week seems to move by slowly. As I deal with my clients and cases, I feel the weight of the world crushing my shoulders. Even Zack can tell that I’m becoming more and more unhappy. He doesn’t realize that if I didn’t have Macie to talk to this week, I’d probably be walking out of the office and never coming back.
On Thursday morning, he steps into my office and closes the door behind him. Then he crosses his arms over his chest and just stares at me.
“Don’t give me your Dom face. That doesn’t work on me.”
“This face works on everyone.”
“Not me. I taught you that face, remember?”
“I remember,” Zack concedes. “I also remember when you used to love your job. You used to love working on divorce cases, so what happened?”
“Life happened,” I admit with a sigh, pushing my chair back from my desk. I stand and go to the window. “You’re a real estate lawyer, Zack. A high stress day for you is helping someone sort out the taxes on their new property. It’s different for me.”
“Talk to me about it. Tell me why. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I know you’re Domming me right now.”
“Humor me.”
“All right,” I turn around and face him, mirroring his crossed arms. “I’m tired of dealing with the worst part of people’s lives. Everyone I face is going through the hardest experience of their existence. Wives are coming in after they find out their husband has had a secret mistress for the last five years. Husbands are coming in after discovering their wives have been stashing money away in secret accounts as they prepare to walk away from their relationship. I’m tired, Zack. I’m tired of everything being negative.”
I sigh and run my hands through my hair. It’s always been bad, but somehow, it never seemed this bad until lately.
I’m getting old, and soft, and I’m getting tired.
“The worst part of my job is that even when my clients win, they also lose. Everyone loses in divorce. Yeah, I might get them alimony or a good custody arrangement, but they still lose. They lose the life they have now. Their kids lose a parent. Someone always gets the short end of the stick, and it’s usually the children. I’m tired of being a part of it.”
Zack walks over to my desk and makes himself comfortable in one of the chairs.
“Have you thought about leaving?”
“Absolutely.”
“What’s holding you back? You’ve paid off your student loans, man. You don’t have any debt. You don’t have anything keeping you here. Why don’t you get a different job? Have you considered it?”
“I’m a lawyer by trade. I spent so much time in school, so much money. Walking away at this point seems like a waste.”
“You could try a different kind of law.”
“All law makes me tired. No offense to you. I know you love real estate, but the idea makes me yawn. I want something new. I want something that challenges me, but doesn’t make me feel like I’m the bad guy.”
“There are a ton of things you can do, man. You aren’t trapped here.”
“I feel like I am. I feel like walking away at this point essentially means the last decade of my life has been a waste.”
“It hasn’t been,” Zack shakes his head. “Plenty of people make career changes, Tony. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve had a great run and you’ve helped a ton of people. You might not think you have, but you have. Hell, you helped me. Without you working on my case, I would have lost everything. You’re the only reason I made it through my divorce in one piece.”
I nod because I know it’s true. I did my best to help Zack through his nightmare of a divorce. It was my first big case and I worked my ass off to help him. I would do anything for him. He’s like a brother to me. I couldn’t let him down in that way, not when it came to his future.
“Just think about it,” Zack says. “You don’t have to decide anything now. Finish up your current cases, of course, but then consider moving on. Your stress isn’t worth your pride, brother. Walking away doesn’t mean you failed. It just means you’re choosing yourself. You’re choosing what’s best for you Sometimes that means making a hard choice. Sometimes it means making a change in a big way, and that’s all right.”
Maybe he’s right.
Maybe it’s time I picked myself instead of sticking with a plan I came up with as a teen.
When I went to college, I knew I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to make money and make a difference in the world. I thought divorce was interesting, and it was definitely a good way to make money. I live simply and was able to pay off my loans sooner than most other attorneys I know. Being debt-free was a priority to me, and I focused on paying that down before I allowed myself to buy anything big or special. Hell, I still rent my house because it’s cheaper than buying right now. I don’t drive a flashy car or spend a ton on drinking. Aside from my Anchored membership, I don’t really treat myself.
Maybe a career change is the treat I need.
Maybe it’s time to do something different.
Maybe it’s time to choose myself.