Can I scream now?

A numb feeling envelops me as I stare at the closed door. It takes effort to finally turn away and make my way to the kitchen. A cup of tea sounds like a really good idea. It’ll give me time to gather my scattered thoughts.

While the kettle warms, I go over the events of the evening, trying to figure out what went wrong. Am I’m coming on too strong? Am I too comfortable with him? Does he need the distance? Was it something I said?

Going over and over in my mind, the thoughts blend together, one into another until it’s a blur.

The click of my kettle as it automatically switches off brings me back to the present. There’s precious little I can do about it now. He’s gone and we can’t talk about it.

I have to wonder if it’s even worth trying to talk to him at this point.

Sitting down with my tea, I focus on my breathing. The panic of an opportunity passing me by starts to overwhelm me. I can’t let myself descend into despair just yet. I’m still young enough to have kids and have many years ahead of me. I want them now but it’s not looking like that will happen any time soon.

All I can do, the best I can do is focus on what I can control. Myself. I can’t control Bronaz or influence his feelings for me. I know he has them, I see glimmers of them occasionally when his guard is down.

Then something happens or he has a thought, and the door slams closed on me again and I’m staring at a blank slate who keeps me pushed away.

I wonder if it was so smart of me to delete my dating profile. It was foolish to be so certain of Bronaz when I first discovered he was my fated mate. I know many deny that pull, insisting that there are more than one out there.

Not me. I feel the pull to Bronaz like I’ve never experience with anyone before. I know deep in my core that he’s the one for me.

The question is whether I can afford to wait while he tries to figure out what he wants. If he wants anything at all.

Behind the wall, the mask of indifference he wears, I can sense a kind, loving man who is loyal and compassionate, who gives freely of himself for those in his circle.

It just sucks that I’m not part of that.

I leave my half full mug of tea and cart myself off to bed. I meet with Austin in the morning; I really need to be on my game for him. I can worry about Bronaz later.

Austin is looking at the information I uploaded to his data pad. He swipes and reads very deliberately as he is obviously taking the coming event very seriously for the health of the baby. “I thought I needed to lie still when I’m in labor, you know, just to be ready for when the baby finally delivers.”

“There are different schools of thought on that but my clients report that the delivery is more comfortable if they move into different positions.” I reach across and swipe one more screen. “And these are the breathing exercises you’re going to practice every day. Preferably with Nyve so he knows what to expect.”

“You’ll be there too, right?” Austin’s eyes grow wide.

“If that’s what you’d like, I can most definitely be there.”

He relaxes with my reassurance. “So when will I know? I mean, I won’t exactly have water that will break.”

I motion for him to lift his shirt to expose his quickly swelling belly. “What you’ll start watching for is a red line, here,” and I lightly draw my finger just below the apex of the curve of his belly. “The close you are to delivery, the more red the line will appear. Only vaguely similar to the water breaking, you’ll notice that it will start to split open.”

“I will split open?” Austin’s horrified expression is cute and I almost laugh. I know it’s not funny to him. I get that reaction from omegas all the time.

“You won’t break open,” I say, patting him on the hand. “I promise. But like the water breaking for humans, it’s a telltale sign you need to get to your shifter-perinatologist for delivery as soon as possible. It’s a little more like a Cesarean birth actually, except your shifter nature develops that line naturally instead of it being done surgically.”

“And the baby is removed?”

“Just like any other natural birth. That line will heal, just like any scar. If you care for it, it should diminish in time until all you have are the stretch marks and the thin scar.”

Austin draws in a deep breath. “Thanks, Kuras. I really want you there, by the way. I know Nyve wants to be there to help but…” he shrugs helplessly. “He’s an alpha.”

As if that says it all. Which it does. “I get you. You have my cell. Call any time day or night.”

Now that he understands a little more of what to expect and has his breathing sheet homework, Austin relaxes. “Speaking of alphas, how is it going with Bronaz?”

At first I’m confused. How do they know anything about me and Bronaz? Then I remember that everyone was standing right there when we both realized we were fated mates. “It’s not.”

“Oh?” Austin gets to his feet like I showed him how to help alleviate stress on his back and he goes to get more coffee, refilling our cups. “This sounds like a two cup talk.”

“No seriously, Austin. It’s not. There’s nothing to even talk about.” I huff out a frustrated breath.

“What’s going on?” Austin sits down again, leaning forward to listen.

I scrub my face. “He runs so hot and cold with me. I’m reaching out, you know? Trying to make contact so that we can get to know each other. And there are times, small windows, where I can sense he really wants to get to know me, too. Then, bam, he closes off behind this frustratingly thick wall and I’m left there in the cold trying to figure what I did this time to cause it.”

Austin listens in silence, his head nodding slowly. “I get it. I was like that.”

“If you have any advice at all, I’m listening. I don’t know what else to do but to give up and walk away.” Which is easier said than done because until Austin no longer needs my services, I will still see Bronaz from time to time. I don’t think my heart could take it long term.

“I was just like him,” Austin says carefully. “When I first met Nyve and we realized we were fated mates, I was terrified. I hadn’t even had a long-term steady boyfriend before. Dating just wasn’t my thing because my aunt was so overprotective. So when Nyve tried to get to know me better, I kept him pushed away. Kept telling him stupid shit like I needed to be independent, to find my own way. I was such an idiot.”

This gives me hope. “But you did eventually come around.” It was kind of obvious since they were living together.

“I did, when I was ready. Which, I guess, is what I’m saying. It took me time but there was no fighting the pull of us being fated mates. Even if I had tried to run away from him, I wouldn’t stay gone for long. I felt it deep in my body that I needed to be with him. So here I am.”

I think I get what Austin’s driving at. “So I need to back off and give him time.”

Austin nods. “Bronaz especially needs time to come to terms with this. I can’t go into detail but there’s a lot of trauma there you have to fight through.”

“Trust issues?” My inner dragon starts to growl in protective anger that someone would have broken Bronaz’ heart.

“Not like you’d define them.”

It’s obvious Austin knows something but he’s hesitant to say anything.

“You don’t want to betray confidences.”

“Pretty much. It’s not my story to tell,” Austin relents. “But I will say that if this is to work, he will eventually need to talk to you about it. Until then, patience, Kuras. We can tell he likes you, even if he stays so closed off about it.”

“Well that’s one of us at this table that is convinced of that. Actually, that’s not true. Like I said, there are times when I can see just how tender and loving he is.”

Like when he kissed me right before he left. That one moment stays etched in my memory, giving me any hope at all.

Austin holds his hands up. “No details. Bronaz is like an uncle to me. I can’t think of him having sex.”

“How did you know it was over sex?”

“It’s always over sex.”

“Austin!” Nyve’s voice bellows from the living room.

With a roll of his eyes that say silently alphas, he rises to get another mug for coffee. “In the kitchen with Kuras!”

Nyve appears at the doorway, looking relieved. “Good, you’re still here. I was hoping I didn’t miss anything.”

“You missed everything,” Austin says as he shoves a mug into Nyve’s hands. “But we’ve just been talking about things so you’re not too late.”

I’m glad Nyve is there. It gives me the emotional break I need to work out how I need to handle Bronaz going forward. “You can get the crash course,” I say.

“I’m only here for an hour before I need to get back to my next appointment.” Nyve walks over behind Austin and wraps around him. His hands smooth over Austin’s belly in a very loving gesture.

A small pang punches my stomach. That’s the kind of love I hope one day to have with Bronaz. I guess I just have a steeper hill to climb with him.

Austin jerks and Nyve jumps, both staring at Austin’s belly with wide eyes.

Nyve looks from Austin’s belly over to me. I rise to my feet, alarm and panic rising to command my attention to move into action. “What?”

“I think the baby kicked,” Nyve says.

Austin nods. “I think so.”

I walk over and run my hand over his stomach as the two watch. I feel the solid thump beneath my hand. “Going to be a strong one with a kick like that.”

Nyve looks at Austin. “Make him do it again.”

“I can’t make him do anything,” Austin says with a chuckle. “I suspect he’s like you in that regard.”

“More like you.” Nyve runs his hand over Austin’s stomach once more.

“I feel like I’m being petted like a house cat.”

I feel the kick again and move Nyve’s hand in the place to hold it there.

A few seconds later, another kick and Nyve jumps. “He did it!”

Austin rolls his head to give me along suffering look. “It’s the little things that make him happy.”

Once I’m able to get Nyve to focus on the exercises that will help Austin with delivery, he’s attentive to everything I say. It’s good to see that Nyve is as invested as Austin, to be there and be of help. That will go a long way for the whole family to be involved in the safe healthy delivery for both Austin and baby.

I leave the two to review my notes and to have their moment of bonding as Nyve keeps insisting that the baby kick on command, and show myself out.

On the bus home, my conversation with Austin has managed to help me come to terms with a few things.

I’ve always known I was a little clingy when I feel insecure. And boy do I feel insecure with Bronaz right now. So the more I feel insecure, the more I cling, the more it drives him away.

I pull my phone and type in a quick message to him.

I owe you an apology. I’m pushing too fast. I’m sorry bout that. I think we need to talk. Text w/good time?

Within myself, I need to find the strength to give him the space to come to find me and want me in his life. The huge specter of what has traumatized Bronaz does need to come out. I need to understand what is holding him back, but pressuring him to do that will only make things worse.

I don’t know if this will fix things. All I can do is try and hope Bronaz will rise to meet me halfway. It’s the only way things will work out for us.