If we were sitting regularly on the couch, I’m sure I’d freeze up. Distance between us would be too much to handle. It’d be easy to throw up my walls again and keep him pushed off.

With him resting on top of me, the heavy beat of his heart tapping against my chest, it’s comfortable to have him in my arms like this.

Natural.

That’s a frightening feeling. I’ve spent most of my life after my brother’s death dodging intimacy. I can’t bear it if I think about it too hard.

Kuras has been so incredibly patient since we first met. Yeah, he’s been kind of pushy, a little clingy and it’s kept me off balance. The moment he realized he was coming on too strong, he didn’t blame me. He acknowledged it and promised to take it easy.

The funny thing? That’s what pulls me back into his orbit. I didn’t want to let him close, yet when I stand to lose even a little of what he offers, I can’t let him get away either.

So here I am, a sated omega draped over me, waiting patiently while I tell him my damage.

“My brother, Hafaz, was my world. We were twins. Did everything together. Thankfully our parents weren’t the kind who insisted that we dress alike, but in middle school we discovered how much fun we could have fucking with people.” My fingers stroke up the center of Kuras’ back, finding the indentation of his spine.

“Anything I did, he had to come along. Sometimes it was a bitch, especially on dates when he’d show up out of nowhere. He was never annoying about it, though. Just a jerk. After high school, we each started doing our own thing and there was this cool part in my chest that missed when we talked every day. I tried to stay in touch but I was the only one staying in touch, you know?”

Kuras rested his chin on my pec to look at me while we talked. “Was he avoiding you?”

“I didn’t think so at first. I figured he had his life, I had mine. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do after high school but he wanted to be an artist. He got an art degree, sold some paintings, even had a few shows. It never really seemed to take off but he never stopped producing work. To make ends meet, he got into graphic design to take on freelance work. I look back now and realize that he was suffering from depression, but it didn’t seem bad. At least at first. We’d go to lunch and he’d be fine. Then I wouldn’t hear from him for months.”

This is painful to relive even now. “Looking back, the signs were there. I didn’t know how to recognize them. One afternoon, we got the call that he’d hung himself—”

And I can’t go on now. The words are thick in my mouth. I can’t chew my way around them.

Kuras’ lips are warm against the skin of my chest. “I’m so sorry, Bronaz.”

With a deep breath, I press on. “He’d been there a few days before the neighbors knew something was wrong. The note he left…that’s when we realized that his depression was bad. We never saw it coming and yet the signs were there, in plain sight. I haven’t gotten over that I could have done something—”

“You did,” Kuras said softly. “You tried to reach out.”

“It wasn’t enough. Don’t you see? It wasn’t enough and he died alone and in such pain.” I catch myself as the words come out in a rush. I don’t want them to sound harsh. “Anyway. After that, I just…didn’t see the point in letting someone get close like he was. The pain I went through, that my family went through, tore me up from the inside. I was wrecked. I’m still wrecked.”

With a shuddering inhale, I wipe at my eyes before the tears start to roll. “I’m sorry. This is so depressing. I’m sure this is not what you want to hear.”

“Bronaz,” Kuras’ voice soothes my nerves just calling my name. I feel him pulling me from the edge of despair that descends on me every time I think about my brother. “This is a terrible loss for you and your family. I’m so sorry. What can I do for you?”

I pause, startled at his words. The only friends I have left after Hafaz’ death were the guys at the shop. All the others in my social orbit drifted away with ‘call me if you need me’ or ‘at least he’s in a better place’ or other bullshit platitudes. Those tapered off after a few years, leaving me feeling like I was in a hole I couldn’t get out.

Now here is this little omega, asking what he can do for me, even though he owes me nothing. I chuckled thickly. “I don’t really know. Nothing, I guess. I just need to get over it.”

Because I hear that a lot, too, as if it’s that easy.

“No, you don’t need to just get over it.” Kuras shifts to meet my gaze. “Tell me about him. What trouble did you two get into as kids?”

I can see in Kuras’ eyes that he means that. He’s not bullshitting me. He really wants to know.

It all spills out of me. Decades of pent up guilt and anguish flow like the tears from my eyes as I tell Kuras about the time when we snuck out of the house to go tubing at midnight and got stuck in some brushes. Or when we traveled by bike to the Heien Peaks in the Waterston Territory’s national park.

I don’t know how long I talk before my throat is dry and the words start to slow. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel comfortable unloading this with Kuras.

It’s weirdly vulnerable but so natural.

He listens as patiently as no one ever has other than the guys at the shop.

The pull I first experienced with Kuras when we met is back and stronger.

There is something to this fated mate business.

My fingers brush his hair over the shell of his ear. “Thanks.”

Kuras turns his face to place a kiss on my thumb. “I’m here to listen, Bronaz.”

I take a deep breath and let it out. Stress and tension slowly melt from my body. “I’m glad I was able to tell you.”

“I’m glad you told me. That’s a heavy weight to carry around on your own. I want to be here to help you bear up under it, if you’ll let me.”

“I know.” I draw Kuras into a kiss. A soft meeting of lips to lips, it wraps around my soul and heaves it to the surface to see the sun for the first time in decades. “For the first time, I’m not afraid of that. Funny, huh?”

Kuras smiles. “Not really. I think it’s natural. Fear to let someone close. Fear to lose family and loved ones. I understand. Do you think you’ll want a family of your own one day?”

It’s a valid question. I nod slowly. “I came from a big family. I love how close we are, especially after Hafaz died. I would never want to give that up. And now,” I touch at his chin and realize just how much of an idiot I was to keep him pushed away. The love coming from Kuras, and the love I feel spilling out of me, fills me with such peace. “I think I have someone to do that with. I hope you want a big family, too. My mother will be beside herself in glee.”

Kuras’ smile is the brightest I’ve seen since I first met him. It fills me with contentment.

Maybe, after all this time, I can start to find the happiness I know is out there for me. Having a mate who is willing to stand by me when I hit my lows gives me the strength to forge ahead.

And honor the memory of my brother by finally living my own life.