I finish stocking the stations with supplies and putting away the new shipment of gloves when Sako ducks into the back. “Hey, want to take a walk for lunch?”

“Sounds perfect, actually. I’m still not use to all this bending and lifting and could use the time to stretch my legs.”

He holds his hand out and I take it, walking out into the sunshine.

It’s a perfect day. The sun is out but it’s not sweltering. The breeze comes off the bay, which feels good against my skin.

“I didn’t time this very well.” From the sidewalk, we can see our favorite deli is jammed packed with people. “I don’t see a place to sit down.”

“Me either. And the line is way too long. Let’s keep walking and see what turns up.”

I’m feeling adventurous so we keep heading north along the boulevard as it winds alongside the grove trees that line the dog park. It feels like everyone in the city is out and the low buzz of excitement is contagious. “Why not skip lunch and go straight for dessert?”

Sako gives me a disapproving look. “You do remember what Kuras said about a good diet and being more aware of the garbage you put in your body, right?”

“We had pizza last night,” I offer helpfully.

“Not the same as an ice cream sundae, just sayin’.”

I laugh and it feels good to have that freedom. I know there’s a shitload of bad stuff happening in our lives right now but at this very moment? There’s nothing but me and Sako and the sun.

Further down the street the aroma of fresh lamb wafts through the air. “Oh gods, that smells good,” I say with a soft groan. “Can we have that?”

“We don’t even know what that is.” Sako stops and turns a circle as he tries to figure out where it’s coming from.

“Does it matter? It smells divine.”

“It does.”

I spy the small food vendor at a street corner and point. “There. Gyros. I haven’t had one in ages. At least that I remember. Come on. Do you eat gyros?” Not that it would slow me down if he said no.

Sako laughs instead, trotting after me as I tug, making a bee line straight for the food cart.

We get our food and strike off across the street to sit at one of the benches on the other side of the grassy area surrounding a water fountain. It’s beneath a tree, which is perfect, and we spread out our meal between us.

The lunch goes by too quickly but it definitely hit the spot. “I don’t think I can move now.” I slump back on the bench and look up at the sky through the trees. “Will Taran be too mad if I keep you out here all day? It’s too pretty to go back inside.”

Sako separates our recyclables from our garbage and tosses them both. He flops back down on the bench and slings his arm around my shoulders. “Mad? No. But I still have rent to make and a baby to plan for. I need to pay attention to my clients.”

“Way to kill the mood, Sako.”

He ducks in and places a kiss to my cheek. “That’s me, Sako the mood killer.”

With great reluctance, I shove to my feet and take his hand for the walk back.

At a crosswalk, a voice shakes me out of my after-lunch glow.

“Carlo? It is you. Dude, where have you been?”

It’s not a voice I recognize. Sako and I both look around for the speaker. The guy comes running up to me, out of breath. “I’ve been calling you for a block. Get your ears cleaned out.”

“Sure,” I say, looking at Sako. He’s regarding this guy with a cross between annoyance and concern. With a subtle gesture, he tugs on my hand so I’m standing just behind his left shoulder.

“Where did you go, man? We’ve been looking for you for weeks. Don’t you check your voicemail any more?”

“I um…lost my phone.” The way this guy is talking to me, he clearly knows me. But I can’t remember him. Nothing about him is familiar.

“We’ve missed you at the meetings,” he says, his eyes narrowing as he glances between me and Sako. “And you missed several check ins.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I’ve been kind of busy.” I gesture to Sako as if he explained my absence. I may not remember this guy but the talk of meetings and check ins have a familiar feel to them. He’s from the organization I worked for. “I guess I should check in.”

The guy backs up a step. “Yeah, you should. Anyway, I need to run but I just…good seeing you, man.”

“You too.” It’s not very heartfelt considering I have no idea who this is.

He backs away a few more steps before turning and jogging across the street.

Sako waits until the guys disappears. “I’m assuming you don’t remember him.”

“Nope. I get the feeling I used to work with him but nothing more.”

“I gathered that. Come on,” Sako says with a tug on my hand. “We need to get back to the shop and let Taran know.”

This development unsettles me. Judging by Sako’s simmering silence, it bothers him, too. “I knew my good luck was too good to last long,” I say with a weak laugh.

By the time we reach the shop, Sako’s cell is ringing. It’s from Varos. “I’m back,” he says aloud as we head around the partition.

Varos lowers his phone and Sako’s stops ringing. “What the hell happened?” He meets us halfway across the shop and motions for us to follow him into Taran’s office.

We walk into the office to find Ronnie setting up his laptop. “First tell me how you know anything happened,” Sako says, scowling at Ronnie’s presence.

“I’ve been monitoring Carlo’s emails. After weeks of normal activity with barely a peep about Carlo other than the occasional question of ‘has anyone seen him,’ there’s been a jump in email chatter. Apparently Carlo’s falling off the face of the planet has some people rattled.”

There’s a knock and Taran steps in. “What’s going on?”

“I met someone today who knows me. I feel very strongly I worked with him.”

“Feel?” Taran crosses his arms and leans against the closed door.

I smile in embarrassment. “I don’t remember him.”

“He obviously knew Carlo,” Sako says.

“Ronnie, if you haven’t, now is a good time to grab everything you can from his emails.” Taran opens the door and pauses. “Sako, do you have any returning clients coming in today?”

“None that I can’t reschedule.”

“Get Carlo home and keep a low profile. And stay in touch.”

* * *

It’s only when we’re back at Sako’s that I’ve finally stopped shaking. His apartment is as much my sanctuary as anything. A way to shut the world out and pretend that nothing can touch me here.

“Get into something comfortable,” he says, tugging at the waistband of my jeans. “We’ll watch a movie or kill zombies or something.”

I’m not up for movies or games. Crawling under the bed is a good idea, though.

Sako wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me in close. His hand cradles my head. “You’re awfully quiet. Worried?”

I nod and mash my face against his chest. With a deep inhale, my frazzled nerves calm. Sako’s scent does that for me, better than any meditation or yoga.

After a few more deep breaths, an idea occurs to me and I pull back. “Can I borrow your laptop?”

“Sure.” After a tender kiss, Sako goes to set up his laptop on the kitchenette table and I sit down to test out a theory.

Sure enough, trying to log into any of my email accounts turns up nothing.

“Well, that’s that.” I shut the laptop down and push back from the table. “I’m officially cut off.”

Sako looks up from his pad. “Can’t get into any of them?”

“Nope. And this is me just spitballing here, but I bet if Ronnie checks into my apartment, he’ll find my lease is terminated.”

“I’ll put him on it. It never hurts to get verification.” Sako taps a bit on the pad while I go change.

Back in the living room with a pair of sweats and one of Sako’s t-shirts, I curl up on the sofa next to him. Resting my head on his shoulder, I watch as he texts with Varos and Ronnie. “Looks like you were right. I hope you didn’t have anything important you wanted to keep.”

“If I can’t remember it, it does me little good.”

Sako tosses the pad aside and I tip over to rest my head on his thigh. “I keep waiting for this crazy nightmare to end, Sako.”

His fingers comb through my hair. His touch and rhythm lull me into calm again. I close my eyes, hoping, willing for more memories. Something…anything that I can give them that will help draw this to an end. Or get them closer.

Nothing is coming to me. No memories, images, feelings…nothing. Just low level panic that seems to be my new normal. “I suppose running away isn’t an option.”

Sako chuckles softly. “Not really. Well, it is an option but it’s not the best option.”

“I feel like I’m drifting.”

“I have you anchored, Carlo. I’m here for you.”

“I know.” I push to sit up and scrub at my face. Drawing my feet up on the sofa, I wrap my arms around my knees. “I just wish I could remember more.”

Sako’s head fell back with a frustrated sound. “Carlo!” he says with a laugh. “Jeez man, cut yourself some slack. All you have to do is run through the checklist that is your life right now and realize that considering all that trauma and damage, you’re doing the best you can. That’s all any of us really expect. But we don’t want you making yourself sick over this.”

I press my forehead against my knees. “I’m tired of being scared.”

“I know you are.” Sako gathers me in his arms, guiding me to stretch out with him on the sofa. “But if you think I’m going to let anything happen to you, think again, man. I said you’re mine, I meant that shit. It’ll take something cataclysmic to drag me away from you and it’ll have to drag me fighting the entire way.”

“What if I can’t remember any more?” That’s a big fear. Have I reached the limits of my ability to recover my memory? There are still holes. Most of them are filled in except the most recent, especially leading right up to my being shot. I still don’t remember that and none of it rings a bell when the guys explain what happened and what I did.

“Then you let it go. We start from now to build new ones. We have a baby coming, although why you’d want to name them Haven is beyond me.”

“I think I used to believe it was a cool name. But now, it represents my life. You’re my shelter, my place of safety. My haven. So, technically, we’ll be naming the baby after you.”

Sako ducks his head to look at me. “I’m not sure if you really mean that or if you’re pulling my leg. Sako Junior has a nice ring to it.”

“We’re not naming them Junior anything.”

“We have time to come up with a list of names we both like.”

I snicker softly, burrowing deeper into his embrace. His holding me is fast becoming one of my favorite memories of all time. From the protection of his arms, I feel like nothing can touch me.

With his thumb touching at my chin, he urges me to look up. His tongue flicks out to wet his lips before he closes the distance.

It’s a sweet kiss, the touch of lips and the bare slip of tongue. Not hurried, or desperate, or passionate. A kiss that says more than can be put into words.

I am cherished.

I am safe.

I am loved.

I still fight with my guilt, and probably will for a long time. The way he breathes into me is a steady reminder that I’m a still a good person. It’s who I am now that matters.

I pray that he’s right. It’ll take a while to convince me.