The third day of waking up feeling like I will lose dinner from the night before prompts me to make a drastic move. While on break at the shop, I duck out to the pharmacy. Going out by myself already has me a complete nerve-case, seeing shadows around every corner, suspicious of anyone whose gaze lingers on me more than a few seconds as they pass. It’s compounded by feeling like I’m sneaking around.

I am sneaking around, by the way. I don’t want anyone to see what I’m at the pharmacy to get.

They have two boxes of pregnancy testing left. I dither on whether to get two or just one.

I settle on one. I have no worries about a false positive. I already know what’s wrong with me. I just want the verification.

When Taran cuts me loose mid-afternoon, Sako calls a car to come get me and I head back to his place. Normally, being alone would make me uneasy. It still makes me uneasy but it also makes it easier to use the box and find out if what I suspect is true.

Staring in horror at the two blue lines proves it.

What the hell am I going to do now? I should tell Sako, of course.

But. There’s a huge but.

I’m not ready. Right now my head is spinning and I feel like I’m about to lose my lunch. This time it’s not morning sickness. Just general, all-over, holy-shit-what-do-I-do-now sickness. This is the last thing I need on my plate.

Okay. Okay. I got this.

Since Sako hasn’t take the garbage in the bathroom out yet, I bury the tester and the box in the trash already in it. I will tell him…eventually.

I need to work on me first.

Although I have just met Sako and the guys, they’re really super people and they are doing their best to help me. I realize that I really don’t know anyone else to talk to about this. I can’t talk to them about this and I’m not ready to talk to Sako.

There is literally no one else for me to hash this out with.

Suddenly, I feel lonely. I’m sure there’s someone in my past I could call but I can’t remember anyone, no matter how hard I try.

I definitely can’t call my parents. Not with the mess my life is in right now.

I’m on my own.

I can’t relax with my head spinning over and over with the absurdity of this entire situation.

I fell in with the wrong crowd, did some bad things of which I still don’t know the depths of how bad they are or how widely they range. Now these bad people are looking for me and to top it off…I’m pregnant with a dragon shifter’s baby.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

My continued presence in Sako’s life could possibly put him and the rest of the guys in real jeopardy. I appreciate that they’re willing to cover for me and help me find my memory again—if I ever do—but when will this get to be too much even for them?

Maybe I should take off. I have a new blue card and ID. Surely, I could find a new job. I’m not sure I can afford the apartment but depending on how far the rent is paid up, it’s an option.

By the time Sako is keying in the apartment, I’m a wreck. I haven’t been able to sit still for longer than a few minutes. I must have started and stopped a half a dozen cups and glasses of stuff to drink before abandoning it.

He kicks in the door, holding up two bags. “Fresh from the deli. Roast beef, extra rare, like you like it. Must be a wolf thing,” he teases. “Figured we could watch a movie while we eat.”

I try to smile but it feels odd and forced on my face.

Sako sets the bags down on the coffee table. “You all right?”

How could I be stupid enough to think I’d fool him over anything? I shake my head, then escape to the kitchen to find another half filled glass of water. “Just a lot on my mind.”

He appears behind me and rests his hands on my shoulders. “You’re tight as a drum,” he says, kneading gently. The sheet of my muscles instantly soften beneath his touch. “Come stretch out.”

And just like that, he’s giving me a massage.

Sako isn’t pressing me for what has me upset. He’s not quizzing me or making me feel bad that I’m locked up tight and won’t talk.

He straddles my thighs and works patiently, methodically, on my shoulders and back. Every knot, every tight muscle dissolves beneath his patient touch.

I’m grateful that he’s willing to do this. Better still, that he’s doing it without a lot of questions about what is bothering me. It’s like he trusts me to work it out.

That just drives my guilt deeper that I am so unwilling to talk to him about what is bugging me. And worse…to let him know he’s going to be a father.

I’m not ready for that. I can’t be ready for that. Not now.

Later. Maybe later.

I force all that out of my head as Sako continues to drift down my back. The stress and tension seep out of me, which is a good thing. As wound up as I am, it can’t possibly be good for the baby. Now more than ever I have to watch what I do and eat to consider the safety and health of the baby.

“That’s better,” Sako purrs in my ear. He draws his hands down my back one more time before he slides into the floor to sit near my head as I stay relaxed, stretched out on the sofa.

I roll onto my side and prop my head up on a hand. “Thanks.”

“You needed it. Being all tense like that is never good for a body.”

Behind his head, I smooth my hand over my stomach self-consciously. “No,” I agree, “it’s not.”

He tears into a sandwich and talks around a huge mouthful. “Want me to put your food in the fridge for later?”

“I’ll eat it in a minute.” I watch him as he shovels several chips and crunches on them. “Sako, do you think about having a family one day?”

He contemplates that for a few more bites before he wipes his hands, then turns to face me. “If you had asked me that eight months ago, I would have no.”

“And you have changed your mind?” That’s what it sounds like to me. Dare I hope?

“I have,” he admits to me. “Not because I’m suddenly finding that I have this need to start producing babies or anything. It’s nothing like that. But after watching the other guys find their mates and start families? It makes me think about how I would like to do that. Have someone to come home to, have my own offspring getting into trouble.” Sako nods quickly. He turns back to his second sandwich. The guy eats more than anyone I know. I don’t know how he stays in such good shape. “What about you?”

I flop onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I guess eventually.”

Ironic that eventually is actually now.

My heart is lighter knowing that Sako isn’t against the possibility of having kids and a family. It makes me feel a little better about my certain turn of events.

On the other hand, what kind of father would I be? After the people I was involved with…would being a father be a good fit for me? Am I the kind of father who could have a family and take care of them? Keep them safe?

Having a baby now is not the best timing. I barely know who I am, or have been for the past several years. How can I be an appropriate father or mate for anyone?

I shift on the sofa to slide into the floor next to Sako. He lifts the remote to start a movie and I drag my dinner over to eat.

At the moment, there’s not much I can do except see what happens next. Sako’s massage was a big help in getting my stress levels back down so I can think through it and try to come up with a plan of action.

I can only hope that any decision doesn’t end up screwing me or him or, worse, the baby any more than I feel like it’s screwed right at this moment.