Dawson
She knew something was wrong.
Not only was Mickie extremely perceptive, but she knew me better than anyone else. Because I only let people know so much. She was always clued in when I was out of sorts, or if something was bothering me.
“So, we going to talk about it?” she asked.
There it is. I was surprised she’d lasted this long.
“Talk about what?”
We were at my bare-bones apartment, so even though I wanted some distance to work through everything that was swirling around in my head, I couldn’t have gone very far. It wasn’t much bigger than her dorm room, so there wasn’t a barrier between Mickie and the aftermath of one of my fucked-up family encounters—which I was currently experiencing.
I didn’t want her around this.
I didn’t want her to witness my anger, my frustration. My guilt.
She shouldn’t have to see any of it.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said, sarcasm oozing from her words. “Maybe why you hardly said anything at dinner. Or why you’ve had a permanent scowl on your face ever since you picked me up tonight.”
I gave a pathetic attempt at a shrug. “Just had a bad day at work.”
Even though I’d never gone to work. I hadn’t told her about the Mason situation. And frankly, I hadn’t planned to.
My first reaction had been to take her back to her dorm after dinner. But I’d changed my mind at the last minute. For some reason I couldn’t explain, I didn’t want her to leave me. I didn’t want to be away from her tonight, to be alone. Which made no sense since I was having a mini anger meltdown that would completely scare the hell out of her when she saw the full force of it.
And she would run screaming for the hills. That was a foregone conclusion.
If she knew the level of anger I had coursing through me sometimes, she would never want to look at me again.
I couldn’t allow that to happen. I wasn’t going to lose Mickie. Not on top of everything else I’d lost in my life.
“You know you’re a terrible liar,” she said, kneeling down in front of me at the edge of my bed where I sat. “What’s going on, Dawson? Talk to me.”
I couldn’t bring her down with my sob story.
Sunlight deserved to shine, not be snuffed out by darkness.
I shook my head. “Trust me, it’s nothing you need to worry about.”
I hated to see the disappointment on her face. “But it’s clearly something that’s upset you. Which means that whatever it is, it’s important. It’s something you care about. Tell me.”
“Let it go, Mickie. It’s nothing.”
I shot to my feet and stalked over to the window. Crossing my arms over my chest, I stared out at the night sky, wishing for so many things that could never be.
“When are you going to open up to me?” she asked quietly from where she still knelt on the floor. “When are you going to…tell me things about your life?”
I hesitated. “There are some things you never need to know.”
“Right,” she said, a bitter tone entering her voice. “Because why would I need to know your innermost thoughts and feelings? I’m only your girlfriend. Someone who loves you and wants you to be happy. Why would I care about what’s really going on with you?”
I ground my back molars together, keeping a hold on my agitation. “It’s not like that.”
“No?”
My back was facing her, but I could tell she’d come closer.
“Because I hate to break it to you, Dawson, but that’s exactly what it’s like. That’s what being in a relationship is all about. You talk to each other and confide. I’m supposed to know everything about you. You’re supposed to come to me when you have a problem.”
“I don’t have a problem,” I muttered.
“But you do!” I heard her footsteps move across the carpet as she paced. “I know, every time, when something happens. But whenever I ask about it, you do what you’re doing now and just blow me off, keeping everything to yourself. And who is that helping? Certainly not you.”
I whipped around to face her. “This is who I am! This is how I deal with things, how I always have. And it’s worked pretty well for me so far. I just need you to accept that there are things I’ll never be able to talk to you about. Things you’ll never know.”
A look of devastation marred her features, jarring me. Her entire face was an expression of hurt. And I never wanted to fucking see that on Mickie’s face. Especially not if I was the cause of it.
Water filled her eyes. “I’ll never accept that,” she said in a broken voice. “That’s not how I want things to be between us. But if you can’t change—if you won’t even try—then I guess this is as far as we go.”
Wait. What?
“What do you mean?” I asked, panic rising in my chest.
Tears fell down her cheeks. “I’ve told you everything about me,” she whispered. “I’ve told you things that have hurt me. Things I’m ashamed of. Things I’m embarrassed by. Things I’ve never told anyone else in my life. I’ve given you that because I trust you with it. I want you to have that part of me. All of me.” She wiped her cheeks, grabbed her purse, and turned for the door. “I just wish you wanted me to have all of you.”
There was a finality in her voice that scared me to my bones.
She was leaving.
She can’t leave.
I’d just found her. I couldn’t lose her now.
I lunged for her, clutching her wrist and holding her in place. “Mickie, wait.”
Her breathing picked up, but she didn’t say anything.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to figure out how to fix this. I couldn’t tell her everything…yet. But I hadn’t expected her to call quits on us, either.
“I’m not…good at talking about my emotions or…feelings,” I murmured. “I know that bottling everything up isn’t the best way to handle my issues. And I get why that bothers you.”
Her face was turned away from me, and she refused to look at me. So, I found solace in the fragrance of her hair as I stepped closer and breathed her in.
Some days, it felt like that was all that offered me solace.
Breathing Mickie in.
The smell of her hair, her skin, her lips, her arousal. I needed her to assault my senses like that, so I could assure myself she was real and she was here and she was mine. Sometimes, inhaling her essence was the only thing that offered me calm.
“But I need you to be patient with me, Mick,” I said on a rasp. “I need you to help me open up, and take the bad with the good.” I swallowed, gathering my courage. “I’ve never been in a meaningful relationship before. Hell, I didn’t even know what that looked like until I met you. And you’ve already shown me so much. I need you to show me the rest. It’s just that some things may take longer to…process than others.”
I waited.
Waited for her to move or say something. Anything.
I couldn’t have her leave so upset with me.
Turn around, baby. Please.
She slowly shifted and turned, first one foot, then the other—yes—until she fully faced me.
I was relieved to see less anger in her features and more…love? God, I hoped that’s what it was.
“I need all of those things from you, Mick,” I said. “But more than anything, I just need you. Don’t leave me. Please.”
Her gaze stayed on my face for a total of two seconds.
Before she launched herself at me.
Our lips crashed together, and our bodies surged toward each other. I wanted her so badly, I didn’t think I could wait any longer. Three months had wreaked some serious havoc on my willpower and self-control.
But now I was running on empty in both tanks.
I wanted her under me, over me, wrapped around me. Hell, I’d take her any way I could get her.
She broke the kiss and met my eyes. “I want you,” she said. “Take me tonight. Make me yours.”
Hell. Fucking. Yes.