One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time.
One kiss at a time.
That’s how I was going to take this.
My life felt altered. Irrevocably so.
The bits and pieces of memories I had were upsetting. But yesterday. That had been near devastating. Those bits and pieces came together, revealing a bigger picture. A horror picture no fully sane person could ever paint.
I knew my name now—well, my first name.
It wasn’t my name, though. It was the name of the girl who lived before me. The girl who lived and ultimately died at the hand of a madman.
I was Amnesia now; though after yesterday, I wasn’t sure that name fit either.
I knew things now. Felt things. Remnants of what I used to be. Remnants of who I never ever wanted to be again.
Thank God for Eddie. He was literally the glue for all my cracks. No, it wasn’t his responsibility to fix me. Or heal me. But he helped hold me together until I could heal myself.
Really the only way to “heal” from the terrors I once lived was time.
And one hell of a prayer I didn’t remember any more.
I didn’t know how Sadie could even speak. Or smile. Or do anything other than cry or stare into space. I hated to say it, but the fugue state the widow was in? I understood it now.
It was beyond clear she lived the same kind of hell. That old woman who used to tend to Sadie when she was fighting for her life (from a beating and a miscarriage… gulp) was her. But she didn’t live down in that hole with us.
So where had she been?
How could she sit idly by while two innocent girls were tortured, raped, and locked up?
I wondered if I had been as brainwashed as both of them? Probably. Maybe? I tried to kill myself. Did that mean maybe I wasn’t as brainwashed, that I knew how wrong everything was, how inescapable, so I chose the only way out I could? Death would have been better than living that life.
This amnesia had been a blessing. I was the lucky one of the three of us.
Beside me Eddie stirred. The deep intake of breath and way he stretched up against me made me smile.
The amnesia was perhaps a stroke of luck, but the biggest blessing of all was him. I didn’t know a lot, certainly not a lot of people. Only the few who had reached out to me in Lake Loch. It didn’t matter if I knew one or a hundred people, though, because I understood there weren’t many like him.
“Hi,” he murmured, pulling me closer. I was on my back and turned my head toward his face. He kissed me on the tip of my nose.
“Hi,” I whispered back.
His hands were large. He could easily palm the side of my face in one hand. He never used the fact that he was bigger to intimidate me. Or against me. Instead, he used it to make me feel safe.
Tucking the hair behind my ear, he asked, “You doing okay?”
I nodded slow. “Okay.”
“You stopped shaking,” he observed, hugging me close.
I kissed his cheek and smiled. “Thank you for being here.”
“Nowhere else I’d rather be.”
That made me think of the hospital and Sadie. A sick feeling churned in my stomach. I tried to hold it back. “I don’t want to go back there today.” After a brief pause, I added, “Maybe ever.”
“Seeing her is hard.” Eddie understood.
I nodded. “I know she said we were sort of friends.” I shuddered inside, thinking of the way she called me her sister. “And I know we only had each other, but seeing her brings up things.”
“Things that are better left forgotten?”
“I think so,” I whispered.
“I understand.”
“I feel selfish.”
“Don’t.” He pushed up onto his elbow so he hovered above me. “Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It’s human. And frankly, I need you to do it.”
“You do?”
He nodded sagely. “I won’t be okay unless—until you are.”
I whispered. “I love you.”
He dipped his head and kissed me. I could have melted into him, could have gotten lost with him.
Eddie ducked his head into my neck. “I really need to go check on the store.”
“Of course.” I’d forgotten about the store. I gasped. “I’m supposed to work today!”
He made a sound. “No. Management is giving you the day off.”
“Management?” I asked.
His dimples showed. “That’s me. I’m the boss.”
I mock scowled. “Are you giving me preferential treatment because I’m sleeping with the boss?”
“Maybe,” he drawled.
I giggled. It felt good. I didn’t know moments of happiness and comfort could exist in a storm. But he taught me they did.
“Seriously though, baby. You’re off today. And tomorrow. Take as much time as you need.”
“I don’t need time off,” I told him. “I need to live. To have the life I’ve built here. It’s the only way I can prove to myself that the past can’t have my future. It’s a lot to process and come to terms with, but I know I will. Especially with you by my side.”
“You’re sure?” He seemed concerned. “If you’re worried about the money, I’ll pay you. I don’t want you to worry about that.”
“I’m not worried about money.” I laid a hand on his cheek. “I don’t need money. I’m already a wealthy woman.”
His eyes warmed, the corners of his lips tilting upward.
“That’s how amazing you are, Eddie. After everything I lost, everything that was taken from me, I still feel I have so much. Because of you.” My voice lowered. “All because of you.”
He groaned. “You make it real hard to get out of this bed, woman.”
“Can you take me home on your way to the store?” I asked. “I want to see Maggie.”
“Of course.”
“Are you going to the hospital?” My voice was timid. Just thinking about Sadie brought on a rush of difficult emotions.
His eyes turned sad. “Yeah. After I check in at Loch Gen. My parents are probably anxious to talk to me.”
I nodded. “Maybe I’ll take just today off.”
Worry creased his forehead. The urge to play with his sleep-rumpled curls came over me, and I didn’t resist. “Are you going to be okay today? Want me to stay?”
“I’m fine.” I promised. “You need to see your parents, and I need to talk to Maggie.”
“I’ll come by after I get finished.” He promised.
“Take your time.” I fully understood that even though he was committed to me, there were many other commitments in his life.
“I’m only one call away, okay? If you need anything, anything at all, you call.”
“What if I need a kiss?”
“Especially if you need a kiss.”
I languished in bed while he showered and changed into his standard uniform of jeans, sneakers, and a Loch Gen shirt. When he was ready to go, Eddie scooped me up out of bed and carried me to his truck.
I held his hand the entire short drive to Maggie’s. He walked me to the door and kissed me, then waited until I was inside to walk away.
I loved him.
“Amnesia?” Maggie called out, appearing at the top of the stairs. “Is that you?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
Her shoulders slumped a fraction. “I’ve been worried about you.”
“I know.” I apologized. “I’m sorry, I guess I just needed a little bit of time.”
Her eyes were wide when she nodded. “Of course.”
“I was thinking maybe we could talk if you have time?”
She smiled. “You know I do! I was just about to make some breakfast. How about you come give me a hand?”
In the kitchen, we got out what we needed for scrambled eggs and toast. I wasn’t sure, but when Maggie and I spent time cooking like this or watching bad reality TV, I felt maybe this was what it would be like to have a mother.
It was odd to think that out there somewhere I had a mother. Even odder that I couldn’t remember even the smallest clue about her.
I didn’t miss her. It was hard to miss someone you didn’t know.
“Where is Eddie this morning?” she asked as she whisked together a few eggs. I felt slightly queasy still. The sight of food wasn’t appealing.
“He went to work and to check in with his parents.”
“I’m sure they are worried about him.”
“A lot’s happened.” I allowed.
We didn’t say anything else until the eggs and toast were on plates and we were seated at the table.
“They told me what happened at the hospital yesterday when I came to see Sadie.”
I shuddered. “The things she told me, I remembered a little.”
“It was bad,” she observed.
I glanced away. “Very.”
“Well, judging from the few things Sadie shared with me about her experiences, I can’t even imagine.”
“Sadie told you?”
She set aside her fork and looked up. “Not much, but she was upset, understandably, so I talked to her for a while.”
“I didn’t mean to upset her,” I murmured.
Maggie’s hand covered mine. “None of this is your fault. Hers either.”
I cleared my throat. There was something I wanted to say. Or rather ask. It weighed on me, but it was an unnecessary burden. I needed to make things easier where I could, and while having this talk wasn’t easy, it was within my power. I needed to use all the power I had right now; if I didn’t, I might fold in on myself and never recover.
“Now that we know I’m not Sadie, I wanted to let you know that…” I paused and swallowed. This was hard. Hard to feel I didn’t belong even though I so badly wanted to. “I...”
Maggie nodded encouragingly, looking at me as if I could tell her anything.
“I understand if you’d like me to move out. You’ve been very generous taking me in, someone you didn’t even know.” I murmured to add, “And still don’t really.”
Maggie gasped. “Amnesia!”
“I don’t want you to feel bad, like you have to let me stay. I know you felt responsible for me because of Ann… and since I’m not Ann’s daughter—”
“Stop right there,” she said firmly. “While I appreciate your consideration of how I feel, I must say it’s stupid.”
My eyes shot up, I felt them widen into saucers. “Did you just call me stupid?”
Maggie sniffed. “Of course not. But the notion that I don’t want you here because you aren’t Ann’s daughter, well, that’s just cockamamie.”
I assumed cockamamie was another word for stupid.
I started to giggle.
Maggie tried to keep a straight face, but then it dissolved as well, and we sat there snickering over our eggs.
When we were done, Maggie cleared her throat and looked at me with serious eyes. “It’s true part of the reason I invited you here was because you might be Ann’s daughter, but that wasn’t the only reason. You needed someone. We all need someone sometimes. But now that we know, I don’t want you to go.”
“You don’t?” I asked, hopeful.
“Of course not.” She leaned across the table. “Can I tell you a secret?”
I nodded.
“The more time I spent with you, the more I secretly hoped you weren’t Ann’s daughter.”
That surprised me. “But why?”
“It made me feel guilty for wishing you were mine instead.”
I started to cry. Can you blame me?
“Oh, honey.” Maggie came around the table and wrapped her arms around me. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Y-you didn’t,” I wailed. “I’m crying because I’m happy.”
“Well, thank heavens for that.”
I laughed breathlessly. “You really mean that?”
“I really do. Having you here has filled up my life in ways I didn’t know it was empty. I couldn’t imagine watching bad TV with anyone else.”
I smiled, watery.
“And teaching all my family recipes to you. I thought they would die with me.”
“Don’t say that,” I swore fiercely.
Maggie patted my shoulder and sat back. “I know Eddie has been after you to move in with him and it’s only a matter of time, but until then, you’re welcome here. Even after. I want you to think of this place as your home, too. And I hope even after Eddie sweeps you away, you and I will continue with our relationship.”
More tears streamed down my cheeks and I dashed them away. My heart was so full my chest felt it might burst. “I would very much love that.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she hugged me again. “I’m so glad.”
“I love you,” I whispered as we hugged. “Thank you for being here for me.”
“I love you, too, honey,” Maggie replied.
It took us both a minute to compose ourselves, me longer than her. I’d been worrying about this even before we found Sadie. Worried I was living someone else’s life and if we found out I wasn’t Sadie, then all the people here would turn their backs. Well, part of it came true.
I’m not Sadie.
But I was starting to think maybe it didn’t matter. I hadn’t been living her life. I was living mine.
And the people around me liked me because I was… me.
“Your eggs are getting cold,” Maggie admonished, slipping back into her chair.
I grimaced. “I’m really not hungry.”
Coffee in hand, Maggie frowned. “How are you really?”
“I’m not sure,” I admitted.
“Seeing Sadie triggered everything?” Her voice was concerned.
“Talking to her.” I agreed.
Maggie withdrew then, sat back, and drank her coffee with a thoughtful look on her face.
“Is something wrong?”
She looked up, setting aside her coffee. “I had wanted to talk to you as well, but after our talk, I’m worried it might not be a good idea.”
“What?” I could tell she was debating to even tell me, so I gave her a hard look.
She sighed. “Sadie doesn’t have the extensive injuries you did when Eddie found you. She’s dehydrated, malnourished, has some bruises, cuts and scrapes… nothing a few days in the hospital won’t get on the healing path.”
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“She’s going to be getting out soon.”
“And you want her to stay here,” I surmised.
“Well, yes. She is Ann’s daughter. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go.”
A brief vision of her staying at Eddie’s intruded on my mind. I hated it.
“Of course.” I agreed. “She should stay here.”
“I don’t want to cause more stress on you if seeing her brings back memories.”
I sat forward. “I’ll be fine. I think the initial shock of finding her and learning who she is and where I’d been before Eddie found me is over. I can’t say I will ever be completely comfortable around her, but she and I have a lot in common. And if there is anyone in this town who can help her heal, it’s you.”
“Are you sure?” Maggie pressed. “This is your home, too. You have a vote.”
“I vote yes,” I said, even though I felt apprehensive and squeamish about seeing her again. About living under the same roof.
“I’ll give her a guest room upstairs so you’ll still have privacy downstairs,” Maggie added.
“It’s going to be fine.” I assured her, wishing I felt as confident as my voice sounded.