So many unanswered questions. The more answers we found, the more we needed.
It was beyond frustrating that I probably had everything we needed to know locked away inside my mind. Kept hidden even from me.
I knew pleading with myself wouldn’t work. Bargaining, even trying to force the answers out—nothing worked. I’d tried it all.
The only memories I did have came at heavy cost, when least expected. In short, they came when they wanted to, not when I asked.
I felt helpless as I sat in the center of the waiting room, waiting to see if Robbie would live or die. Waiting to hear from Maggie, from the police… from Sadie herself.
The cops were out searching now—an APB was put out on Sadie—and Eddie was just outside in the hallway, speaking to a few uniformed officers himself.
I knew they would want to question me as well, but I had nothing to offer.
No insight. No answers.
Just blank pages. Pages filled with words written in invisible ink.
Eddie was beyond himself. The blame he placed on himself and the responsibility he shouldered was palpable. I knew it cost him something great to admit to himself Sadie was further gone than any of us realized.
I knew the only reason he admitted it at all was because of me. For me.
I wanted to give something back to him. To give instead of take.
The only thing I could think of that would equal what he’d done for me was answers. I didn’t have them… but I knew where to get some.
Slipping out of the waiting room, I moved stealthily down the hallway and around the corner. The elevator was just beginning to close, so I rushed forward and slipped inside before the doors closed completely.
Alone in the small car, I leaned against the wall and tried to tame the wild beating of my heart. I didn’t know if this was going to work, but I had to try.
True, some memories were better off forgotten… but we couldn’t truly be free until some things were remembered.
Actually, I didn’t even have to remember. I just had to know.
The elevator opened to reveal the floor I selected. I stepped out into the quiet hall. I walked carefully along the wall, trying to remain as inconspicuous as I could, hoping no one would see me and if they did, they wouldn’t bother telling me to stop.
I made it all the way to the large room door, but then someone called out my name.
Wincing, I rotated, knowing the look in my eyes was sheepish. “Dr. Beck,” I said. “Nice to see you.”
“Amnesia.” He came to a stop in front of me. “You know you aren’t supposed to be here.”
I sighed, dropping the innocent act. “I assume you heard about Robbie in the ER? About Sadie being missing and suspected of his stabbing.”
“You still can’t be here,” he said, firm.
“C’mon, Dr. Beck!” I burst out. “I have to be here! If I can’t rely on my own memory to help everyone I care about, then I have to at least try this!”
He studied me for a long moment, then sighed. “She’s still catatonic.”
“I don’t care,” I answered, firm. “I just want to talk to her. Maybe she’ll hear me. Maybe she’ll answer.”
“It’s been over a month.” He cautioned. “I’m not even sure she can hear us.”
“Then it won’t matter if I go in there,” I told him. “Please, Dr. Beck. Widow West is my only chance at learning anything. The townspeople’s safety could rely on this.”
He glanced down the hall, then back at me. “Just a few minutes.”
“Thank you,” I said, sagging with relief.
“Amnesia.” He cautioned, putting a hand lightly on my shoulder. “Do not touch her. And if she does anything at all, leave this room immediately.”
Even though I wasn’t facing him, I smiled. My hand covered his. “I care about you, too, Dr. Beck.”
He withdrew his hand. His voice was gruff. “Five minutes.”
I didn’t waste any time, but let myself right in. The room was quiet, sterile, and dim. Memories of how my own room looked when I first woke from my coma came flooding back to me. I remembered how confused I’d been. How weak, mentally and physically.
I was stronger now, on both accounts, but I knew I still had a long way to go. This was a step in the right direction, though, facing my demons head on.
Widow West was lying on her back in the generic hospital bed. Her thin frame was covered with a hospital gown, and standard-issue blankets were pulled up to her waist. There was an IV in the back of her hand, but otherwise, there were no other machines. Her eyes were still open, just like the last time I saw her. They were glazed over, kind of milky. Utterly creepy.
I expected them to follow me as I passed by the end of her bed and moved around to the other side.
They didn’t. They remained fixed, staring ahead and slightly up at the ceiling.
Her long gray hair was down around her shoulders. It was thick and coarse-looking, her skin pale, but all the bruises from before were healed.
She might seem almost peaceful if not for the way her eyes appeared. If not for the way her lips seemed permanently twisted in a painful grimace.
There were no flowers in this room. No cards or get-well balloons. The walls were all bare, the room cold and plain. Not even the noise from the TV was there to fill the void.
What was it like?
To be lost in your own head. Lonely day in and day out. Was it preferable to what she lived before, or was it merely a defense mechanism just like my amnesia?
I didn’t want to admit it. I hated to acknowledge it, but Widow West and I had some things in common. I wondered if maybe we once shared the same kind of bond I had with Sadie.
“It’s me,” I said, quietly dragging a chair up to the side of the bed. “Amnesia.”
It was disconcerting to speak and not know if you were heard. To not be acknowledged at all. But I pushed it back and spoke anyway. Pretending I was indeed being heard.
“It’s been a while since I was here,” I told her. “I know we don’t really like each other much.”
No point in lying, right?
“Truth is I’m not mad at you anymore. I had been, you know. So angry. You tried to kidnap me, knocked out Eddie. Stalked me. You, ah, told me once you wished I’d died.”
Nothing. Silence.
I swallowed.
“I understand.” I leaned back and decided just to pour it all out. Not for her, but for me. “You were probably in a hard position. Confused and trapped just like me. Just like Sadie. I know he hurt you, too. The doctors told me. I saw the bruises. I remember that night when you said if you didn’t do what he wanted, he would punish you.” I paused a second, sweeping my eyes over her gaunt face. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not the one who hurt you that way, but I’m still so, so sorry. I only remember a little, and that alone is enough. I wouldn’t wish what happened to us on anyone, not even you. What you did, what I did… even what Sadie did. It was survival, wasn’t it? And we did survive. All three of us.”
A nurse went by the window, down the hall. I folded my hands in my lap.
“I guess that makes us sort of bonded. Not really friends, because I think we’re past that kind of relationship. In the way we’re the only ones who can ever really understand what he did to us.
“He’s missing, by the way. Him. The man who hurt us. I still can’t remember anything about him. His face. His name. I know he hurt me.” I choked back the memory. My voice was slightly shaky when I went on. “I know he, um, raped me. Sadie said I was her replacement when he thought she was going to die. There was this woman. She would come down into the ground sometimes. She would go to where Sadie lay and tend to her. Sometimes I heard her crying. That was you, wasn’t it?” I stared down at my hands, which were now tightly clasped together. “You cared about us, even though you helped him.”
I sat forward, emotion making it impossible to sit still. “I just don’t understand! I don’t understand why you helped him. Where did you stay on the island? Where did he keep you? Did you stay in the house? Did he know your husband? I just need to know. I need to know something. Anything. Who is he? What did he want with us?”
A tear escaped my eye, and I furiously brushed it away. “Sadie told me my name was Lily. I don’t know if I believe her, but really, why would she lie about that? I don’t know where I came from, who I was, or who I left behind. I don’t even need to know. But I need to know who he is. Where is he?”
The widow remained unchanged. Her milky eyes still staring up, her body unchanged. Not even the air around us shifted with any kind of indication she was listening.
“Maybe you really don’t care,” I murmured. “Maybe you’re just completely loyal to him and you’ll lie there like that until you die. But please,” I begged. “If you can hear me, if you can understand me at all, please wake up. Please just tell me where he is and what he wants.”
Silence.
Absolute nothing.
I fell back in the chair, slouched into it, and crossed my arms over my chest. My thoughts wandered to Robbie. I wondered how he was, if surgery was nearly complete, and if he was still alive.
“We found Sadie. We went to your island, and there she was, down inside the hole. It wasn’t even locked like usual. She said he wasn’t there, but he was coming back and she had to stay. Eddie convinced her to leave the island. She’s been here for a while now. She just got released from the hospital.”
Something in the room changed.
The air shifted; a knowing feeling moved down my spine.
I sat up, staring at her still form. “I don’t think Sadie can handle everything that happened. She seems angry. She keeps saying he’s coming back. She, um, stabbed my friend today, tried to kill him, and now no one can find her. He’s in surgery right now. I don’t know if he’ll live. The police are out looking for her, but I can’t help but feel like this has to do with him. If only I knew who he was. Where he might be. Do you think she’s with him now? Do you think he’s still controlling her?”
I waited for an answer. I waited so long for her to blink, for a random beep from the IV machine. I watched her fingers for even a flinch.
I poured out everything. I begged for help.
I got nothing in return.
Eventually, I grew weary, my patience and hope dimmed. I wanted to go find Eddie, who was surely wondering where I’d gone by now. I should have told him, but I knew he’d only try and stop me. I wanted to know about Robbie and to call Maggie.
“It was worth a try,” I told myself, using the side of the bed for balance as I pushed myself to my feet. After dragging the chair back to its rightful place, I moved back to the side of the bed and stared down at the widow.
I reached out and grazed my fingers over her hand. “I hope at least wherever you are, you have some peace.”
As I was drawing away, her finger moved. A sudden jerk, perhaps an involuntary reaction.
“Widow West?” I whispered, leaning over her, looking into her foggy eyes.
She didn’t move again. Her hands stayed still.
With a sigh, I pulled back. Her hand shot out and gripped my wrist. I squeaked, taken completely off guard.
“Did you hear anything I said?” I asked, letting her continue to hold my arm. “Please, if you know anything, please tell me.”
Her mouth worked slowly, as though it were trying to remember how to form words. My patience nearly crumbled, waiting, trying not to grab and shake her. All at once, her eyes closed. I saw them shifting beneath her lids.
Please, I prayed silently.
When her eyes reopened, they weren’t quite as glazed over, though they still had a film over them, making me wonder how coherent she was.
“He’s my son,” she rasped, her voice a near whisper. “My… son.”
There was no way to contain my reaction. I gasped and my wrist dislodged from her slight grip. Her hand fell back onto the mattress beside her body.
Her son? How could that be?
“I thought your child died,” I said, recalling the Beloved Child headstone next to the one belonging to her late husband.
“Where… is… he?” she croaked, her fingers trying to find mine once more.
I grabbed her hand, squeezing it lightly in mine. “I don’t know. No one knows. Where would he have gone?”
“Not… well,” she said, her eyes slipping closed. “Find him. He will…” Her voice stopped mid-sentence.
“He will what?” I demanded, almost desperate. I lifted her hand, giving it a shake. “He will what, Widow West?”
“My son,” she moaned. Then her grip went slack.
“Widow West!” I exclaimed, lifting her hand again. “Ms. West!”
She didn’t respond. Her eyes remained closed, her body limp against the bed. I launched over her and put my ear to her chest. The sound of her heartbeat was there and strong. With a great heave, I pushed off her.
I wasn’t going to get any more answers out of her. Hell, I was incredibly lucky to have gotten what she said at all.
I raced from the room. Dr. Beck was standing at the nearby nurses’ station.
“She woke up!” I told him, rushing over. “She moved and blinked her eyes. I think she fell asleep, though.”
“Are you okay?” he asked, studying my frantic movements.
“Yes!” I insisted and started to hurry away. “I’m fine. Just help her!”
Running down the hall to the elevators, all I could think of was getting to Eddie, telling him what new information I had. I knew it wasn’t a lot, but it was something.
The middle set of doors dinged open, and I charged ahead. A body rushed out, and we both nearly collided.
“Amnesia!” Eddie exclaimed, catching me by the shoulders. “Thank fuck! Where have you been?”
“I talked to her!” I burst out. “She told me!”
“Told you what?” he asked, giving me a gentle shake.
I looked up into his worried face, but the image began to fade, began to change… until it wasn’t him I saw at all anymore. Until I wasn’t standing in the hospital hallway.
My fingers dug into his biceps as I fought what I knew was coming.
“No,” I said, but it was futile.
I was taken from the present and dragged brutally back into the past.