I’d had the day from fucking hell. My day started with two nurses calling in sick, so I’d been constantly behind all day. I didn’t like keeping my kids waiting, but every appointment had been at least thirty minutes behind with no end in sight of me catching up. To add to the total shit show that was my day, Isabelle had called from the restaurant to say Kelly was there with some questionable guy who seemed to be really upsetting her.
I’d immediately known it was Cash. I don’t know how, but I just knew Kelly wouldn’t keep something from me unless it was big and bad and Cash was both of those. Seeing them sitting there together had made me see red. Seeing my girl upset had nearly made me toss the table that separated them. I’d done everything to keep myself in check and I thought I’d done a damn good job considering.
It had hurt. That Kelly had kept something from me. Something as important as a meeting with her child’s father. I thought we were in this thing together. We were a team after all and had been for what felt like forever.
And then I’d kissed her like a crazy person, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted her to know she was mine and I was hers and no Cash or any other man was going to take her from me. I didn’t have the words. All I could do was grab her, and kiss her, and hold her to me, praying she understood, hoping she knew I’d never be able to let her go.
I walked back to the office feeling like I was fire. Like I could burn down the world with my love for that woman and her child. I’d fight for them. If Cash wanted to be a part of Hope’s life, I’d deal with it, but he’d never have Kelly. Over my dead body.
Lucille hit me up as soon as I walked into the back door. “Ian Hughes is being transferred to the hospital by ambulance.”
“Fuck.” My day was going from bad to worse. “Cancel my appointments for the rest of the day.” I only had a few left and I needed to get to the hospital to check on my little buddy.
I practically jogged the block over to the main hospital and into the ER. I passed the nursing station calling out, “Ian Hughes? He was transferred by ambulance.”
The nurse’s face fell and I knew. I’d seen that kind of face too many times. The sad face. The fucking terrible news face. My stomach turned at that face.
“I’m sorry, Doctor Jackson. He didn’t make it. He was DOA.”
I stood here, stunned. I’d expected something different. Not that. Maybe that he was in ICU or terribly sick but no, I’d just seen him a few weeks ago and he was doing great after his final surgery.
I hated losing someone. It never got any fucking easier. Every child lost hurt me to the quick. It somehow always seemed to blindside me, shocking me and devastating me all in one foul blow. I wanted to scream.
Instead, I searched the halls for Deanna Hughes. We were practically friends. It was what happened when you did three consecutive surgeries that spanned years on people’s children. We’d all been through so very much together.
I found her in the room with her son’s body, sobbing. I hugged her for what felt like hours but was probably only minutes. He’d complained of chest pain and she’d immediately called the ambulance. She’d done everything she could for Ian, just like I had. Sometimes, we had no control over these things. That’s what I told myself on the walk back to the office.
I was feeling grim, helpless, completely out of control. I thought my day couldn’t get any worse, but I’d been fucking wrong.
I spent the evening pouring over paperwork and trying to catch up. Maybe I was avoiding going home and the inevitable argument I knew was waiting there. I was still so pissed at Kelly and since then my mood had only soured with my day.
It was 8:00 p.m. when I got the call that would change everything. It was the perfect ending to a terrible day, which was to say it wasn’t perfect at all.
I picked up thinking she’d called to see if I’d left work.
I didn’t even get the chance to say hello.
“Doc, Doc. She has a fever. It’s 103. She’s so lethargic. Something’s wrong.”
My world spun. I stood up from my desk feeling disoriented and off-kilter but still I managed, “Put her in the car. Get to the Emergency Room now. Hurry!”
I hung up feeling a sense of dread hit me like a semi. It slammed into me like a freight train and nearly knocked me over as I made my way down the dark office hallway toward the door to lock up. My hands shook around the key and it took me twice as long to secure the office.
I jogged back to the hospital feeling like I was in some sort of dream. No, a nightmare. I’d jogged this route already once today. I couldn’t get it out of my mind how it had ended. I couldn’t lose Hope. I’d already lost too much. I would’ve told her to call an ambulance, but we lived so close. It’d be faster to just load her in the car seat and get her here.
I stood at the emergency room entrance pacing frantically, pulling at the strands of my hair and sweating even though the day was unseasonably cool for spring. I didn’t know what else to do. I’d never felt so out of sorts, so impatient, so frantic.
Kelly’s car pulled up and I ran to the back door, opening it and retrieving the bucket seat with Hope inside. “How long has she had a fever?” I barked the question. I was crazed. This was my baby girl. I ran my finger over the apple of Hope’s cheek and she felt so hot.
Kelly walked quickly alongside me as I carried Hope in. “I don’t know. She felt warm earlier, but I thought I was just cold. I took her temp and then called you.”
I walked past the front desk and pushed my way through the double doors. I ignored the nurses behind the desk farther down the hall and pulled back curtains like a mad man, searching for an empty room. Only finding rooms full of startled people instead.
“Dr. Jackson!”
Someone yelled my name, but I barely heard. I had one single objective. I needed to get my baby help.
“Dr. Jackson! You can’t just come back here. We’re full.”
I spun to the nurse. I knew her name. I did, but I couldn’t think of it. My mind felt fuzzy. “Our baby.” I held out the carrier with Hope sleeping in it. “Help me.” It was all I could get out. All of my medical training had fled the fucking building. I couldn’t think of one goddamn thing to do to help her. I was a mess.
The nurse gave me a sad look as she took Hope from me and called a doctor over.
“I’m gonna need you to wait here while we take a look at her. Okay, Dr. Jackson?” the nurse giving me pity eyes said.
I knew why they were throwing me out. I was losing my shit. I pulled on the strands of my hair again as the doctor and nurse looked for a room for Hope.
Kelly followed them with a small worried glance over her shoulder at me. “I need him with me,” she begged the nurse.
The nurse patted her back. “Give him a minute to collect himself.”
I leaned against a wall in the hallway nearby, trying to catch my breath. Trying to breathe myself to calm. Only the longer I was there the more panicked I became. I tried counting. I tried deep breaths. I tried everything. I needed to be there for Hope today. I needed to be there for Kelly. But my thoughts took hold, racing through my mind like someone was changing the channels on a TV too quickly.
Hope could die, just like he did. Hope could die just like Ian. And then Kelly would break. I’d fall. We both would never be the same. I knew what losing a child did to a family. It had the ability to ruin everything, to tear it all apart.
Pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes harshly, I rocked back and forth against the wall, feeling like this giant hospital was too goddamn small. The beige walls that had felt like home for so many years now felt like they were closing in, like they were getting closer and closer to me. The smell that once was the comfort of a familiar place made the acid in my stomach churn. The soft chatter of nurses and doctors, the beeps of machines nearby that once proved nothing more than the background noise of my workmates now were a cacophony of sounds that made my head pound and my eardrums burn. I held my head in my hands and prayed for some measure of peace, but it never came, no matter how long I stood there breathing deep.
Before I knew it, I was at a dead sprint. Running out of the sliding glass emergency room doors and across the parking lot, down a block and to my car, ripping the confining bow tie off my neck and wiping the sweat from my brow. With shaking hands and blurry eyes, I barely managed to unlock the car.
I felt the first tear slip free as I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main road. I cranked the radio up loud to drown out the pain thundering in my head and pounding in my heart, but it didn’t work. I pulled onto the interstate and drove south. At the time I didn’t have a clue where I was going. I barely payed attention to the roads, but I knew where I’d end up. I needed to talk to him.