It was 3:00 a.m. in the morning. Where the hell was Doc? Hope was settled and the doctors had finally managed to bring down her fever. I sagged against the wall in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. I felt like I’d been put through the wringer. And I had in a lot of ways. God, what a fucking terrible day. It had gone from bad to worse. It seemed like Cash had been some kind of bad omen for what was to come because I’d gotten home and noticed that Hope seemed especially tired and cranky. But babies, they couldn’t tell you when something was wrong or if they felt bad, so I’d been extra watchful all day after I’d sent my momma home.
It was late in the evening when I’d taken her temperature. A temperature like that with a baby with a delicate heart such as Hope’s was dangerous. I’d immediately packed her in the car seat and called Anthony. I’d known we had to get here, even before he’d told me.
I’d remained calm despite my panic. I’d surprised myself, honestly. I’d thought in the face of Hope’s illness and being alone, I’d lose it, but a calm had swept over me. I’d known what I had to do and I’d done it. This momma intuition was an odd thing.
Only Anthony had been the opposite. He’d looked pale and crazed when I’d pulled up to the emergency entrance. He’d wrenched the door open and grabbed Hope before I could even get around the car. I’d left him in the hall to calm down. Only when I’d finally gotten baby girl settled he’d been gone.
Now I was out of my mind worried for two people I loved with all my heart. Doc had been gone for hours and so I’d sat at Hope’s side by myself freaking out that she was going to get worse, worried as hell for Anthony. I’d tried calling his phone and texting him more times than I could count. It may have been three in the morning, but I didn’t know what else to do besides call Lucy and pray he was with her.
“Hello?” Her croaky voice came over the line.
“Hey, Lucy.”
“What’s wrong? Is Hope okay?” She sounded more than wide awake now.
“We’re at the hospital. She has a fever. They think maybe an infection. Listen, is Anthony with you?” I wondered if my voice sounded as desperate to her ears as it did to mine.
It must have. “I’ll be there in twenty.”
I paced the room and checked on Hope and those twenty minutes seemed like the longest of my life. And when Lucy showed up in a T-shirt and yoga pants with flip-flops on her feet I thought she had never looked so good, not even when she was in her fancy ass shoes and fancy ass suit.
Her gentle eyes took me in and immediately wrapped me in a hug and held me tight. How did moms do that? How did they just know what you needed when you needed it, even if they weren’t technically your mom?
Tears streamed down my face. All of my worry from the entire day spilled over onto my face and landed on the shoulder of her T-shirt. “Where is he?” I sobbed.
She pulled out of our hug but grabbed my hands. “Let’s sit and you tell me what happened.”
And I told her everything. The awful meeting with Cash. The fight afterward. The harsh, claiming kiss. And then I told her how he’d stormed the ER desperately trying to get Hope help.
Her face fell before she smiled sadly at me. “My boy had a very bad day. The worst actually. After he got back from meeting with you, we found out one of his favorite kids was being transferred by ambulance with chest pain.”
My stomach dropped. “Oh no.”
She nodded slowly. “He didn’t make it, Kelly. He passed away before Anthony got here.”
More tears fell from my eyes as I processed the news. Oh God, my Doc really had an awful, terrible day. No wonder he’d lost his mind about Hope. He was barely hanging on. Hope being sick was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
“Any idea where he’s gone?” I choked out. I needed to make sure he was okay. I couldn’t leave here, but I’d send Lucy to find him. She needed to bring him to me so I could make him feel better.
Lucy moved her chair closer to mine, until our knees were touching. She squeezed my hand tightly before saying with a sad smile, “I bet Anthony hasn’t told you about Charles yet, has he? He treats him like some kind of special secret and I suppose he is. He was very special to us, our surprise baby boy.”
Charles? I was so confused. “Charles?” Why were we talking about someone I didn’t know instead of trying to find Doc?
Her free hand moved to my face, her thumb brushing over my cheek. “Oh, from the moment I met you, I adored you, sweet girl. And I know it may sound crazy, but I saw so much of myself in you. Scared. Terrified. Elated. I experienced it all, too.”
I hung on her every word, trying my hardest to understand what she was telling me. What she was trying to make me understand.
“Anthony was already twenty when I found out I was pregnant with Charles. Could you imagine? I was over forty years old and having a baby? It seemed ludicrous at the time.”
And somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered that night. Me telling Anthony I was an only child. Him telling me he had a brother. I searched her face, wanting to ask a million questions but knowing I needed to give her the time to tell her story.
“I didn’t want to start over with a new baby. Anthony’s father and I, we were already struggling to hold onto our marriage, but Anthony, he was ecstatic. He was twenty years old and having a baby brother. The kid was over the moon.”
Anthony had a baby brother, but where was he now? I had a feeling my night was about to get worse. Lucy’s eyes were shiny with sadness when she spoke of Charles.
“That’s why Anthony picked the heart, you know? Just when I’d finally come to accept that I was going to have another baby boy, they saw it on a scan late in my pregnancy. A heart defect, the same one our Hope has.” She looked over at sleeping Hope in the crib with all the wires attached to her again and wetness spilled from her eyes. “Oh yes, Kelly, you reminded me so much of myself, long ago.”
“My baby boy, Charles, he didn’t make it to the third surgery.” Her words were like razor blades across my heart, slicing me up. She’d lived my every fear, my worst nightmare. This beautiful, kind woman had lost her baby. My heart was broken for her.
I pulled her into me for a hug. “I’m so sorry, Lucy. I’m so, so sorry.”
She rubbed my back while we cried together, arms holding each other tightly. “It’s okay. I’ve made peace with it.” Pulling out of my embrace, her eyes met mine, perseverance burning in them. “Back then, I was so terrified, but Anthony was so sure medicine would save Charles. Ever the optimist, he was.” She turned to look at Hope. “I thought it was so incredibly perfect that you named her Hope. When I sat in waiting rooms terrified out of my mind that my baby wouldn’t make it out of the operating room and I would feel so helpless, Anthony would say, ‘Never lose hope, Mom. There’s always hope.’”
She smiled at my sweet, sick baby sleeping in the crib near us. “How right he was. So, we held on through two surgeries and then my Charles got really sick. Medicine has come a long way in ten years, Kelly. He didn’t make it to his final surgery, died in the middle of the night in his crib. Anthony was so smitten with him. It broke his heart. He was on the cusp of great things. He was twenty-two at the time, just finished college and getting ready to head to medical school. We called him in the morning, woke him up and told him. He was devastated.”
Realization dawned on me even as I heard her words. That morning, ten years ago. He’d been so carefree, so happy. He’d kissed my head before answering the phone. And he’d come back ravaged, his face anguished, and I left. I’d left because I’d been a stupid, stupid, young, naive girl. I should have stayed. I should have stayed and hugged him and loved him. My soul ached for young Anthony Jackson who’d just lost his baby brother, but there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it now. I was too late. I’d failed him. I’d failed us. I felt sick. And now I had no idea where Doc was or how I could help him.
“I’m so worried about him,” I cried fresh tears. I was worried about everyone. Hope, Anthony, Lucy, Me.
She touched my cheek again. “Oh, honey, he’ll come back. He just needs some time.” Her gaze wandered the room until they landed on my angel snoozing in the corner. “You know, for a long time I was sad. So sad, I thought I’d never not feel sad. Until Anthony finished school and hired me at his office. Where I get to watch him every day save all the children. Where I got to watch him help save Hope. It’s where we’ve healed, that office. Yes, Anthony saves children every day, but every day those children save us, too.”