(Present)

We are supposed to be headed upstate but my mom called and laid it on real thick about how I was an awful brother for not stopping by for a few minutes to check in on Cash. I reminded her that if we all stopped by her house every time one of us got hurt on the job, we’d be living there. She pointed out that she was in labor with me for fifteen hours. My mom is shameless. Now, we’re seated outside her driveway, in the car. And Shay is laughing at me.

“Are you done?” I ask.

“I’m sorry. You’re just so cute when you panic.”

“We’ve never had sex that rough before and I was worried that I hurt you.”

“I know, and it’s very sweet,” she says as she tries to suppress a smile.

“Shay, seriously, did I go too far?” I ask.

“No, you didn’t. Some women want rough sex once in a while. There’s nothing wrong with that if it’s mutual. And it was with us. You aren’t like the scum boyfriends and husbands I deal with. And the whole time, I knew that if I said no you’d stop right away. Being with you felt amazing. How was it for you??”

“Incredible,” I admit. “I wanted you so badly, I barely had time to unwrap the condom.”

She gives me a mischievous grin and says, “Then why are we picking it apart?”

“You’re right. But what wasn’t so great was the moments before the sex,” I point out.

“Yeah, that was kind of awful,” she says.

“We better go in,” I reply, not sure where that leaves us…

***

When we walk into my mom’s house we actually walk into an ambush. My mom invited someone over and didn’t think to tell us. When we walk past the foyer, there’s Shay’s mom.

“Mom? What are you doing here?” Shay asks as her mother embraces her. I haven’t seen Ms. Reed in two years and she looks better than I’ve ever seen her look. The last time I saw her she was drunk, slurring, and shouting about one thing or another. The woman before me now is composed and pleasant. She comes towards me, and I extend my hand, but she hugs me instead. Shocked, I return her embrace as Shay and I exchange a look.

“Ms. Reed, it’s nice to see you again,” I tell her once I find my voice.

“Oh please, call me Norma.” She beams.

“Mom, I don’t understand, how did you know we’d be here?” Shay asks.

“That’s my fault, Shay. After Wyatt told us what happened with your illness, I did some digging—you know, like a mother does—and learned that your mom was sober now. So, I sent her a card expressing my admiration of her courage to quit drinking. We’ve been talking since then. In fact, she’s joining our book club, and don’t tell Banshee this, but I think her banana nut bread might be even better than his.”

“Mom, why didn’t you tell me?” Shay asks.

“I wanted to surprise you, sweetie. I never felt good about the way I behaved when it came to you two, and well, I wanted you to see how well we are getting along now,” Norma replies.

“Okay, what is all this, really?” I ask as we enter the dining room and find a full spread of assorted food laid out.

“What’s going on?” I ask my mom.

“And where is Cash?” Shay adds.

“Oh honey, he’s upstairs, knocked out. The doctor gave him something for the pain; he’ll be knocked out for hours.”

“Then why did you have us come over?” I ask.

“Do you need a reason to see your mom?” she asks. I narrow my eyes and tilt my head suspiciously.

“Okay, okay. Wyatt called and frankly Norma and I are worried,” she says.

“Mom, I promise I’m safe,” Shay replies.

“Of course you are, why wouldn’t you be safe?” Norma asks. It’s clear my mom didn’t fill Norma in on everything. That’s good since the last thing Norma needs is a reason to worry. I know Shay doesn’t want to trigger a relapse and send her mom back to drinking.

“You know how dangerous Logan’s job can be sometimes. As a mom, I myself worry. But he’s not here on official business. So, no need to worry,” my mom says quickly as she guides us towards the table.

“I’m sorry about this, I had no idea,” I whisper to Shay.

“Well we’re already here and it’s good that our moms are getting along, right?” she replies.

“Yeah, I guess,” I remark as I pull out Shay’s chair.

“So what exactly did Wyatt tell you—oh and remind me to kill him the next time I see him,” I say, then down a glass of water.

“He is trying to look out for you. He thinks you two might need a little help,” Mom says.

“We don’t need any help,” I assure her.

“Oh, good. So, you two are together again?” Mom asks.

I don’t know how to answer that. Shay senses my hesitation. Fuck me. She looks down at the table. I reach out for her. “Shay—” But she suddenly gets up and says she needs some air. I get up to go after her but my I hear my dad’s voice out back.

“Shay and I are good here. You stay away,” he warns me.

“What’s Dad’s doing out there?” I ask my mom.

“He’s out back tinkering with the damn lawn mower. He can tinker and talk at the same time. Leave them out there. You need to stay in here,” she says.

“Why?” I push.

“I have some calls to make in order to plan the next book club menu. In the meantime, you two talk and I will be right back,” she says with a sweet smile that is fooling no one.

“You planned this, didn’t you?” I ask as she walks away.

“Yes and you’re welcome,” she says as she struts out of the living room. I’m now alone with Norma. She looks around the room in awe.

“I still can’t get over how lovely this place is,” she says with a smile.

“I’m sorry my mom dragged you here.”

“You could have it much worse in the mom department. You could have had me for a mother, then where would you be?”

“You’re working on fixing your life, can’t ask for more than that,” I reply.

“Maybe not, but my baby sure deserves more than the raw deal she got with me,” she says sadly as she looks out back towards Shay.

“She’s proud of you, she smiles when she speaks of you now. It hurt her in the beginning, but now she’s happy with where the two of you are,” I promise her.

“It makes me feel so good to hear that. Now, what about the two of you? Where do you two stand?” she asks.

“Wow, so you and my mom are double-teaming us?”

“Yeah, that happens when we see two people who belong together work hard at screwing it up,” she says.

“Look, with all due respect, Norma, you don’t know anything about what goes on between us,” I reply.

“No, but I know my daughter. I know that when she was with you, she was happy. And when you two broke up…she was never the same.”

“It wasn’t easy for me either,” I mumble.

“Anyone can see by the way you two look at each other, you’re still in love. So, what’s the problem?”

“Ah, look I’m not sure—”

“Hey, I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable.”

“Too bad because you’re doing a great job at it,” I mutter.

“When your mother asked if you two wanted to get back together, you hesitated. Tell me why,” she insists.

“Let’s just say it’s a fight to get her to give up any control. I know she wants me in her life but yet, she acts like she’s on her own and I…I don’t get it,” I reply.

“Logan, of all the things that I am sorry about in my life, my biggest regret is that I allowed my drinking to take Shay’s childhood away.”

“How?”

“After her stepfather went to prison, I became a complete mess. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t there for her; I also heaped all of my responsibilities onto her. The moment I started drinking, she had to be the grown-up.”

“She told me she had to a do a few things for you,” I reply.

“No, she had to do everything.”

“What do you mean?”

“I worked at a bookstore and she let me sleep off my benders in the back room while she saw to the customers. She cleaned up the apartment; she did the laundry, the food shopping, and paid the bills. When I was fired because the owner caught me sleeping on the job, she threatened to turn him in for child labor laws because she had been secretly working there for weeks and she was underage. She haggled with him and got him to give me a month’s advance.

“When we were three months behind on rent, the landlord didn’t come to me, he came to her. She talked him into letting us stay there for another four months in exchange for her help around the building. She spent the night of her prom on the cold bathroom floor with me, making sure I didn’t choke on my own vomit.

“I drank all night, slept all day, and had no idea what she ate, where she went, or even how long she had been gone. She didn’t date, she didn’t hang out with friends, and she certainly didn’t get to rebel. She became the leader of the family, and she only had one person she could depend on—herself.”

“I didn’t know it was that bad. Why didn’t she ever tell me?” I ask myself.

“She doesn’t want anyone feeling sorry for her. And that’s not what I want either. I’m telling you this because I want you to know that she’s never had anyone in her corner.”

“I’m trying to change that. I want to be with her but she keeps fighting me on it. She won’t let go and let me help her,” I counter.

“Logan, it’s not that she won’t let you help her; she doesn’t know how.”

***

Shay (Present)

I didn’t mean to walk off like that, but seeing Logan stay quiet when asked if we were together hit me hard. I guess I should have known things weren’t settled. I walk out to the back, where his dad is taking a lawn mower apart. I tell him that I’m sorry I disturbed him but he shouts back at Logan, basically telling his son to back off so he can talk to me. He reminds me of Logan in many ways. They are both tall, handsome, and have a strong presence.

“Mr. Hunter, I didn’t know you were out here. I can go back inside,” I offer.

“No, it’s fine. In fact, c’mon, we’ll go for a drive,” he says as he signals for me to follow him to the garage.

“I was told to stay close,” I reply.

“Funny, from what I hear, you don’t ever do what people tell you to do,” he says with a suggestive smile. I can’t help but laugh.

“It’s okay, we won’t go far. C’mon,” he says as he gets into his car and I follow. He pulls out of the drive, and soon we’re headed down the road.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“Well my wife made me swear off snacks. She thinks she can get me to live longer, but shit, history has proven death always gets her man. And when she comes to get me, there’ll be a box of donuts next to me,” he says.

“So you’re sneaking off to buy junk food?”

“No ma’am. I’m going to get a box of screws from the hardware store. Now if I happen to look over and find a tasty treat in the store window next door, and my guest says she’d like some, well now, what is a guy supposed to do?” He laughs.

“Oh, I see. Well you know, I’ve been craving something sweet, something round, and yes, maybe filled with jelly,” I reply.

“Maybe a donut?” he asks.

“You think that might work?”

“Yes, I think it might.” He laughs.

It’s a short drive but a fun one. He tells me about the time Logan stole his car to impress a girl. Mr. Hunter had a cop buddy of his find Logan and pretend to arrest him right there, in front of everyone. Logan’s jaw dropped when his dad said, “Yes, let’s press charges.”

“No! Did you really make him think he was going to jail?” I ask.

“I didn’t make him think it. Hell, I sent his butt to jail.”

“You didn’t do that to your own son,” I protest.

“I sure did. His mom nearly lost her mind. She said “Get my baby out or find somewhere else to sleep.”

“Did you get him out that same day?”

“Yeah, a few hours later. I arranged it so that he went into the drunk tank with some real lowlifes. That boy just about died,” he says.

“That was mean,” I point out.

“It was tough love. He never did anything like that again. You know it’s good that he has a mother who loves him and will move the heavens for him. That’s her job. But I’m his father. My job is to make sure he knows how to move his own damn sky. I never coddle my boys. I wanted them to know how to protect not just themselves but each other. I made them put family first, no matter what.”

“Well, that’s Logan. He is a good man.”

“Yes, but damn if he’s a hothead.”

“Yeah, that too,” I reply.

“But the way I hear it, you’re the same way.”

“I can be,” I admit.

He pulls over and parks the car in front of a hardware store. And then says, “Well, looks like they sell donuts next door,” in a mock surprised tone.

“Since you’re only going in here because of me, let me it be on me,” I offer.

“Well, if you insist,” he says as we enter the donut shop. We sit at the counter and he orders two glazed for himself and a jelly one for me.

“This never happened, you hear me?” he says.

“Are you afraid of your wife?” I ask.

“Damn right,” he says as we share a laugh.

“I hear you and Logan been bickering back and forth,” he says once we settle down.

“I guess everyone knows now,” I reply as I pick at my donut.

“You should have told Logan you were sick,” he says, no longer teasing and carefree.

“I didn’t want him to be miserable like he was when…” I don’t say her name but Mr. Hunter recalls his daughter all the same. His lips twitch at her memory and his eyes begin to water.

“Your kids become your world. People tell you that will happen but you don’t get it until you actually have kids,” he says mostly to himself. I nod silently, not wanting to interrupt him.

“I went out of town once when Logan was little. I gave all the boys chores that had to be completed. Wyatt and Logan were too small to really do anything. I tasked Wyatt with making sure he washed his hands and did whatever his mom said. Logan asked me what his job was and I said ‘Protect the family. Don’t let anything happen to them.’

“That night his mom called me and said I needed to talk to Logan because he wouldn’t go to sleep. ‘Dad, how can I sleep and protect at the same time?’ he said. I said, ‘Son, you can take the night off.’ And my son said in the firmest tone a six-year-old can muster, ‘There are no nights off, Dad. I’m on the job, forever.’

“His mom thought that was the cutest thing but something about the way he said it told me that boy was not joking. I came home two days later and he had spent the whole two days at the base of the staircase, keeping an eye on the family. His brothers teased him and tried to distract him but he was steadfast.”

“Oh no, where did he sleep?” I ask.

“He slept at the base of stairs. He had his blanket and his water gun. Ready to protect the family. There’s a picture of him slumped down on the side of the banister, drool coming out of his chubby face, water gun in hand.

“There is nothing any of us could have done to get him to sleep in his own bed. It’s hard in a large family sometimes. You have to find your place. And when he was ‘guarding’ the family, he found his place.”

“That was back when he was little,” I point out.

“Yeah but he’s still the same in a lot of ways. He wants to protect the ones he loves. That’s why seeing Rose was so hard for him, he knew there was nothing he could do about it. That destroyed him. I know it destroyed me too,” he says with pain in his voice.

“I’m so very sorry for your loss, Mr. Hunter.”

“Your children aren’t supposed to go before you. There’s something so…unnatural about that. You pick out a coffin; you pick the words they will say over your baby’s lifeless body. And you will not make it through that day. You won’t make it past the first few minutes. That grief is gonna swallow everything in its path, including you.

“In the end you find reasons to go on. Logan found that in protecting people. He had a purpose. And when you got sick and you pushed him away, you took away his purpose.”

“There was nothing he could have done for me. It was cancer, you just have to go through it,” I plead.

“I couldn’t find the cure for Rose. I couldn’t make her better, no matter what I tried. But I held her when she was crying. Her brothers placed the cup of water to her lips when she was thirsty and too weak to do it herself. Her mom held her hand the first time she was headed for surgery.

“It’s not the big things that he would have done, Shay, it’s the little things that he would have been honored to do for you. You took that away. You need to understand just how big a deal that is. And until you do, the two of you will never really get this right...”