(Present)

It’s been hours since Logan left. We are closed and the only people in the center are Banshee and Kat. Banshee is posted outside my office and Kat and I are wrapping things up. We’ve picked a location for the ceremony and finally nailed down a catering service. This ceremony to honor the women who have gone through the program and started new lives is the one bright spot in this crazy drama. I want it to go off without a hitch.

“I’m going to tell him when he gets back,” I inform Kat.

“Well, it’s about damn time. What made you decide to do it today?”

“Last night, back at the hotel, he could have forced me to tell him what I was keeping from him. But he didn’t. He could tell I was worn out and he put his need for answers aside and took care of me. And there was a connection between us, and for the first time since he’s been back, he let down his guard last night. If I hope to have any kind of future with him, now is the only chance I will have to come clean.”

“God knows you’ve tried before. And it never worked out. So this time make sure you tell him.”

Kat isn’t wrong; I tried to tell Logan a million times back when we were together. Yet every time I tried I just couldn’t find the words. I thought it would be good to start by telling one person and then working my way up to Logan. I started with Kat. She cried all through lunch and vowed she’d be there whenever I needed her. I even got as far as telling my support group; I didn’t realize that Jack was in the back of the room, since he didn’t usually come to meetings on weekdays. But this time he did and he heard everything.

Back then Jack tried to get me to tell Logan. But the longer I waited, the harder it became. I knew Jack would never say anything because whatever you say in-group, stays in-group. He wrestled with it for a long time; I felt like shit that I was putting him in that position. Things got even worse when a week before my wedding, I called Kat from the ladies’ room of the police station.

***

Shay (Two years ago)

Kat enters the bathroom and finds me standing there half naked and shaking.

“Honey, what happened?” she says as she tries to cover me up.

“Logan called and said he wanted to go to lunch and have us finalize a place for our honeymoon. He wants to go to Thailand and get a little property on the beach. I can’t go to Thailand, Kat. Cancer people can’t go on honeymoons. Cancer people have to stay in the death prison called hospitals.”

“Okay, so you ran into the ladies’ room?” she asks.

“No, it was worse than that. After his call, I started having trouble breathing.”

“You had a panic attack?”

“Just like I used to when I was little and I knew my step-father was coming home. I ran into the bathroom and suddenly my body was tingling and I felt nauseous and trapped. I couldn’t find a way out. The anxiety gripped me like a snake and just kept squeezing and squeezing me. I had to get everything away from me.

“Suddenly my blouse was too tight, my bra, everything. I needed to be free or I’d die. I know it sounds stupid but that’s the way I felt. And I kept thinking about what would happen if I told him. He’d be back in hell thanks to me. He’d secretly hate me. And I can’t take that thought, I can’t have him hate me, I can’t,” I sob into her chest. She holds me against her.

“It’s okay, honey. It’s okay. You’re going to be just fine. You don’t have to tell him today. And when you do tell him, he’ll be there for you too.”

It takes nearly half an hour to regain my composure. Kat helped me put my clothes back on and I try to walk out like I’m okay. When I meet up with Logan, I go along with his honeymoon plans because that’s the life I want to leap into. I don’t want to be the sick girl and so I pretend. In the week leading up to the wedding night, I have two other panic attacks.

On the night of the wedding, Logan and his brothers drag him to take some pics outside the hotel where the wedding and reception will soon be taking place. I am in my room trying to write Logan a note, hoping I can be brave on paper. But the more I think about it, the more anxiety I feel. Soon, everything is blurry, and I’m in my wedding dress panicking like a freak. I knock some of the things off the table in my effort to stay in control. The room is closing in on me. I feel like I’m going to die.

Jack enters our room. “I’m supposed to leave this here for the happy couple—what’s wrong?” he asks as he puts a big white-and-gold gift box on the table and races over to me. I barely make out what he’s saying. All I know is that I have to get the fuck out of these clothes or I will die. Period. I wiggle out of my dress, throw my shoes off, strip off my stockings, and I am down to my bra and underwear.

“I’ve heard you talk about these attacks. I can help. Breathe, Shay; everything is going to be just fine. Breathe,” he says as he takes me over to the bed. He manages to calm me down after fifteen insane, sweaty, awful minutes.

The door opens and Logan finds the two of us in each other’s arms. I’m half naked. It looks as though we’ve just fucked and he’s put his clothes back on and I’m about to do the same. The look on Logan’s face is a volatile mix of rage and hurt. Before either of us can explain, Logan picks Jack up off the bed and knocks his teeth out.

“Logan, no!” I beg.

It does no good at all. He’s beating the shit out of Jack and Jack is trying to defend himself more than attack. He grabs Jack by the collar and drags him out to the hallway. He then hurls him down the stairs. Oh no, Jack’s dead. Shit! I quickly slide my dress back on and race out the door to look in on him. By then a crowd has gathered. I go down to the base of the steps where, thankfully, Jack is moving.

Logan looks down at him and races towards us to finish off what he started. I put myself between him and Jack knowing that he won’t hit me. While Logan doesn’t strike me, he does pick me up effortlessly and put me aside. He sits on Jack’s chest and pounds on him repeatedly.

I’m screaming at Logan to stop but he keeps going. The only thing that saves Jack’s life is the appearance of the other Hunter brothers. Kat had found them around the hotel and told them what was happening; together the four of them hold their brother back. While Jack is getting medical care, Logan glares at me and sends cold shivers down my spine. It’s not just his rage that gets me, it’s the depth of his heartbreak.

“Tell me what I saw was not what really happened,” he demands.

“Logan…”

“Tell me! Tell me you weren’t in our room fucking my best friend!”

That’s when I realize just how much I love him; because the thought of him in pain hurts me. I don’t want him to ever have to sit at my bedside, watching me in pain. I’d rather have him away, happy with someone else, than be sentenced to weeks or months at a hospital. I thought of breaking up with him but could not do it. This is my chance. I can give him a much happier future than the one fate has handed to me. I don’t doubt that Logan would be there for me, but why should he have to be?

There’s a chance this cancer could kill me—a very real chance. When you love people, you spare them when you can. And I can do this; I can spare him future pain down the line.

“SHAY, ANSWER ME GODDAMN IT! DID YOU FUCK JACK?!”

“Yes…I did.”

The next day, I go back to the house and he asks me again and again I lie. He doesn’t get angry this time; he just looks at me like a wounded creature and asks why. I give some stupid excuse and tell him I’m sorry. And that’s how we end—he is broken and I am sorry. A few days later, I’m headed to the operating room and the love of my life is headed out of the country…

***

Shay (Present)

I stand in the middle of my office with my back to the door, while Kat sits behind my desk, looking over at me. She thinks that I should practice what I’m going to say to Logan.

“I don’t think I need to practice. I’m just going to tell him the truth,” I remind her.

“Girl, let’s get real. You want to tell him the truth in a way that doesn’t kill any chance you two have of getting back together. That takes practice,” she says, arching her eyebrow.

“Okay, I got this. Logan, I wasn’t as truthful—”

“No! If you two want to start fresh, then be honest. No bullshit. Logan is that kind of guy. Just give it to him straight,” she pushes.

“Alright. How’s this: Logan, there was a misunderstanding that night—”

Kat hurls a magazine at me from behind the desk. I barely manage to dodge it.

“Hey!” I protest.

“Woman, just tell the truth and shame the damn devil!” she says, sounding like a fiery Baptist preacher.

“ARGH!” I shout in frustration. I refuse to let my nerves get the better of me yet again.

“Fine, okay, I will just tell him straight out: Logan, I lied to you. I never cheated on you with Jack or anyone else. I lied to push you away.”

“What the fuck did you just say?” someone demands in a steely voice behind me. Both Kat and I turn our attention toward the door.

Logan.

My heart is beating so hard against my chest, it’s about to jump out of my body. A tidal wave of dread washes over me.

“Shay, what do you mean you never cheated on me?” he asks again.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t notice he entered the office,” Kat whispers.

“It’s okay. Kat, will you excuse us?” I reply, never taking my eyes off of Logan. She walks past Logan and out the door. Logan walks towards me, his presence more looming and menacing than usual.

“You need to start talking. Fast,” he orders. I look up at him, swallow hard, and try my best not to turn my eyes away.

“I let you think that I cheated on you because I had breast cancer and I didn’t want you to have to go through the hell you went through with your sister.”

“You have cancer?” he asks, beside himself.

“I had cancer—but I’m okay now. Everything is okay,” I reply as I reach out to him. He steps back, his nostrils flaring. His jaw is clenched tight and his eyes are aglow with rage. He opens his mouth but no words come out. He shakes his head in the kind of anger he usually reserves for the field. He turns his back to me and goes for the exit. I quickly place my body between him and the door.

“Please, just let me explain,” I beg.

“You need to get out of my way,” he says, trying to control the ire in his shaking voice.

“I know I lied to you but let me explain.”

“Get out of my way,” he says in a razor-sharp voice that cuts right through me.

“Logan please, I—”

“MOVE!!!”

Startled, I nearly jump out of my skin as I step aside and let him get to the door. He grabs hold of the doorknob and practically pulls the door off its hinges. Banshee is outside in the staff area and has heard everything that’s been said. Logan charges though the center like a pissed-off bull out to kill. As he walks by Banshee he orders him to watch me.

“Logan! Logan, wait! Please!” I call out as I sob into my hands…