Chapter 8
Rudy was tearful and dramatic as Hernán finished packing the last of his clothes into a large knapsack. “What if I never see you again?” he wailed.
“Rudy, it’s only DC. It’s maybe a few hundred miles. You have the address and Colin’s phone number so you’ll be able to find me.”
“I’ll be so lonely without you, Nán.”
The stranger snoring away in Rudy’s bed in their small studio apartment grunted and rolled over then. Hernán smiled. “I don’t think you’ll be so lonely as all that.”
Rudy looked over his shoulder. “Oh. Vinnie? It’s just a comfort thing. He doesn’t have any money.”
“Well, you’ll have more room to entertain without me here. Maybe snag that rich guy you dream about,” Hernán teased.
“I’d rather have you,” Rudy said and hugged Hernán.
“Me too, primo. I know how much you’ve done for me. Without the money you came up with, I’d still be—”
“Don’t talk about it. It was just a watch.”
“Your Rolex.”
Rudy sighed. “The only thing I got out of the relationship with Gerald. But it went for a good cause.” He released his hold on Hernán and stepped back to wipe his eyes. “Are you sure about this, Nán?”
Hernán shook his head. “No, I’m not sure. But I think I trust Colin. You and I were probably going to have to leave Provincetown anyway for the winter. If it turns out Colin’s not all he says, at least I can look for work around DC. Maybe I’ll find jobs for both of us.”
“You should tell him,” Rudy said, a bit reproachfully.
“Maybe. But I don’t want him thinking I’d…you know.”
“Something tells me he’d understand, and he wouldn’t push.”
A horn beeped outside. “That’s my cab. I’m meeting Colin at the airport.”
“Did he buy you a plane ticket?” Rudy asked.
“Not exactly. Apparently he’s a pilot and he has his own plane.”
“Marry him, Nán,” Rudy declared. “Or I will.”
Vinnie-in-the-bed called out for him just then and Hernán laughed. He hadn’t mentioned Colin’s revelation about his wealth, though the plane thing was certainly a hint. Cousin or not, Rudy might cut him for a chance at a rich, good-looking, sweet man with a heart of… Shit. Stop thinking about him that way.
“You’ve already got a man,” he snorted at Rudy. “Go take care of him.”
Hernán brooded about Rudy’s advice all the way to the airport. You should tell him. The taxi wove through scrub pines and dunes, offering periodic glimpses of the beach and Atlantic Ocean to one side and Provincetown spread out on the other. The sky was a crystalline blue. A few cyclists passed in a line, apparently returning from an early morning trip to Race Point beach where Hernán often went in the morning when he wanted to be alone. If he wasn’t working, the apartment he shared with Rudy was too small to think, so he’d pedal Rudy’s old bike along the dune trails and then walk on the shore with his pants legs rolled up. The cries of the gulls, the roar of the surf, and the sand under his feet were his companions as he tried to understand how his life had led him to a place so far from home.
Hernán shook his head as the taxi pulled into the Provincetown airport’s small parking lot. His palms were sweaty on the door handle. What was he doing, preparing to climb into a plane with a man he’d only met two days earlier? Was he putting himself in the same danger again?
He was tempted to tell the driver to turn around and take him back to Rudy’s place. Then he spotted Colin waiting outside the terminal building, a bag at his feet. A tan jacket, belted at the waist and falling just to his thighs, draped Colin’s tall, lean form elegantly. His short, brown hair was combed neatly to the side, and his glasses flashed as he looked up. A big smile lit his face when he spotted Hernán in the back of the arriving taxi.
It’s okay. He’s okay. I can do this.
Hernán paid and got his knapsack from the back. Colin reached to take it from his hand but he resisted. “I’ve got it.”
“I wasn’t entirely sure you’d come,” Colin said.
“Neither was I,” Hernán admitted shyly, turning his head to watch the cab pull away. His memories tormented him. Can I do this? Colin trusted me with a big secret. I can trust him. I need to trust him.
He lowered his bag to the pavement and looked up at Colin. “Before we go, I think there’s something else I should tell you.” Colin nodded and tilted his head expectantly. Hernán’s breath came faster and the back of his knuckles ached with memories of his Abuela’s punishment. He flexed his fingers and almost dropped his bag. “I’m, uh…” he tried. Bile rose in his throat.
I can’t say it.
I will.
Hernán tried again. “What you said before, about my not being gay.” Oh Jesus, I’m going to throw up. “The thing is…” His chest heaving, he couldn’t get a decent breath. Colin stayed still and kept his hands in his pockets, his eyes intent on Hernán’s.
“I am. I’m gay.” Aaaah I said it. I said it out loud. Hernán almost collapsed but suddenly he could breathe again. He took great gulps of air.
Colin’s eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open in surprise. “I heard you say to Gerald you don’t sleep with men.”
“I don’t. I mean, I want to but I can’t. I was…when I was little. And then when I came here—”
Colin pulled him into a hug. Hernán started to resist but then he just didn’t. He sagged in Colin’s arms. Even though the man was thin, he held Hernán firmly, taking his weight easily.
“Rudy knows,” Hernán whispered against Colin’s jacket. “No one else.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“I’m not sure why I did.” Hernán stiffened slightly. Colin released him immediately, but the loss of his warmth made Hernán sad. “I guess I thought you should know. Before you take me on your plane. I don’t know why you’re doing all this but you need to know I’m really screwed up.”
“Nah. It just gives us more to talk about,” Colin said softly. “Come on. It’s a beautiful day for flying.”
Colin led him to a security gate, which he opened with an electronic code, and then guided Hernán out to the tarmac. Ten or fifteen planes were lined up. It looked like each of them would hold maybe four people at most. He began to feel anxious. The planes were a lot smaller than he’d ever realized. Were they actually safe? Did they ever collide in the air?
“It’s called a tie-down,” Colin explained as they walked, indicating ropes on the tarmac. “Here we are,” he said as they stopped at a blue-and-silver plane with indigo details painted on the body, “N7AV” appearing near the tail.
Hernán took unsteady breaths as he looked up at the machine. It was like a car with wings. His palms began to sweat.
Oblivious, Colin said, “You just wait here for a minute and I’ll get her ready.” He walked around the plane, apparently inspecting its surface as he stopped to untie a rope beneath each of the wings and the tail. He pulled some kind of plugs out of the front, just behind the propeller, and then removed a small sock of some kind from a tube beneath the left wing. He stowed those in a luggage compartment and performed several more mysterious tasks quickly and efficiently.
Hernán watched Colin’s assured movements with an increasing sense of confidence, yet he couldn’t help a small tremble. He told himself Colin clearly knew what he was doing. After all, he’d flown himself up to Provincetown. Lots of people flew in small planes. But Hernán had never been on any kind of plane at all before. Colin’s seemed very small, compared to the images he’d seen in movies and in his books.
Eventually, Colin declared in a bright voice, “We’re good to go.” At that point he seemed to notice Hernán’s trepidation, because he stopped what he was doing and came closer.
“I know it can be scary when you go up the first time. I’ve been flying for nearly ten years, and I’ve logged over three thousand flight hours. I fly a Cirrus SR 22. It’s arguably the safest single-engine aircraft available, and it even has a full-plane parachute.” He gestured to the tail assemblage. “If there’s ever an emergency, I can pull a lever inside the cockpit and a little rocket shoots through the skin of the plane to deploy the chute. We’d drift to the ground like a feather.”
“I never heard of anything like that.”
“It’s one of the reasons I fly a Cirrus. Safety always.”
Colin said the flight would take less than three hours. He waited, probably hoping for a sign he’d eased Hernán’s nerves. His kindness in explaining, not mocking Hernán but calming him, meant everything. Hernán’s fists unclenched and he rolled his shoulders to loosen them. Colin wasn’t the type of man to take unnecessary risks, he could tell. If Colin said the plane was safe, it was.
Determinedly, he said, “Let’s fly, Maverick.”
Colin laughed loudly. “A Top Gun reference? I assure you, this is nothing like the flying in that movie.”
“No dogfights with other planes?” Hernán managed a grin. “Maybe I’m a little disappointed.”
“We’ll save a dogfight for your second flight. Okay?” Still chuckling, Colin stowed Hernán’s knapsack in the luggage compartment with his own suitcase and closed it up. He helped Hernán climb into the cockpit and get situated on the passenger side.
The bucket seat was surprisingly comfortable. Colin clasped the seatbelt harness across Hernán’s chest and got it adjusted, and then handed him a headset with a microphone attached. “It’s really noisy when the engine is going so we’ll talk to each other through these mics. You’ll hear me talking to the air traffic controllers as well.”
Colin made sure the gull-wing passenger door closed securely, and then came around the plane to climb into his seat. He began running through a checklist, flicking buttons and switches and performing little tasks that meant nothing to Hernán. Colin looked around to make sure no one was on the tarmac nearby and then started the engine. It roared to life, the propeller whirling so fast Hernán could see right through it. Colin continued his checks, programmed a flight plan into his navigation system, and started a dialogue over the radio.
“Cape Clearance, Cirrus November Seven Alpha Victor, at Papa Victor Charlie.” The radio crackled back as Colin got the information and approval he needed. He checked one more time that Hernán was doing all right, and then gave the engine enough power to get them rolling. After steering the plane toward a narrow strip of tarmac parallel to the runway itself, he said to Hernán through his mic, “We’ll do our final checks just before we take off.”
A few minutes later, Colin toggled his radio and said, “Provincetown traffic, November Seven Alpha Victor departing runway two-five to the west.” He grinned at Hernán and asked, “Ready?”
Hernán gave him a thumbs-up and tried not to hyperventilate. Colin added power steadily and the plane began to roll down the runway, picking up speed. The dunes flashed by as Colin intoned, “Air speed is live, instruments are in the green.” He pulled smoothly back on the stick and the plane left the ground.
Hernán’s heart hammered in his chest as Provincetown fell away beneath them. Colin took them in a gentle turn as they climbed higher. It brought the plane right over the town. Through the headset, Colin said, “It looks amazing from the air, right?”
Hernán nodded. There it was, spread out below him. The sight was so beautiful his breathing returned to normal and he forgot to be scared. He put his fingers up to the window. “I never realized how narrow the inhabited portion of Provincetown is.”
Colin responded, “David told me it’s because most of the end of Cape Cod was federally protected from development. That keeps the number of houses low.”
“Look, there’s the monument,” Hernán said excitedly. “And the library. Town Hall. I guess that’s The Boatslip.”
He fell silent while Colin made some more radio calls and adjusted their flight path to take them away from Provincetown and across Cape Cod Bay. The dark blue water below them was flecked with white, and a few fishing boats bobbed near shore. A large white ship left a huge wake and Hernán commented, “I think that’s the ferry to Boston.” He turned and grinned at Colin. “This is wonderful.”
“I’m glad you like it. It’s a different way to see the world, for sure.”
“Have you been flying long? Oh, you said earlier. Ten years.”
“Yeah. My grandfather was a private pilot too. He used to take me up. My parents hated when I started flying lessons but they finally gave in, thanks to Gramps.” A soft smile appeared on Colin’s lips. “He even bought me this plane. Before he died two years ago, he had to give up flying, but he’d still get me to bring him. We flew together the week before he died. We were out all afternoon and there was this incredible sunset as we headed home. Reds and oranges and everything in between. It was a great day.”
Hernán felt his throat get tight as he watched Colin’s face. The serene expression he wore drew Hernán. It was as if Colin had no darkness in him, just happy, easy memories floating on the surface like rose petals. He had money, family, a job he apparently loved, even a plane.
Hernán had no memory of his own grandfathers, and his grandmother had never shared anything remotely special with him. Nothing floated on his mind but a dark slick of shame. He tried hard to keep it at bay but it was always there, giving every good moment a bitter aftertaste. Even tainting the thrill of seeing Cape Cod spread out below him. It won’t last. Not for you, little maricón.
“You’re very lucky,” he said hoarsely.
Colin glanced at him. “I am. I know.”
They flew over Massachusetts, and then Rhode Island. Colin pointed out landmarks but the names meant little to Hernán until they crossed to Long Island. “Can we see New York City from the air?” he asked breathlessly.
“It’s a really clear day so yes, I think you’ll get a good look at the skyline when we fly over JFK.”
Hernán kept his eyes glued to the horizon in the direction Colin indicated, scanning back and forth until…
“There it is. Right? The tall tower there, and the buildings around it?” The edifices and manmade canyons of Manhattan clustered in the distance, strong sunlight gleaming off windows and chrome. Hernán sighed happily.
“Yep,” Colin confirmed. “That’s the Freedom Tower, and the other buildings down there are all lower Manhattan. See, further up to your right? The Empire State Building.”
“And the open green space north of that. Central Park?”
“Right. You know a lot about New York,” Colin observed.
“I took many English classes in school and there were often lessons about American culture. New York City always seemed to be the main focus.”
“Maybe, uh…” Colin stopped talking, but Hernán prompted him. “Maybe one weekend we can take the train up to New York. So you can see it from the ground.”
Hernán blinked. It sounded wonderful, except it wasn’t. “You know I don’t have any money, and I’m not letting you pay for me. You’re already doing too much.”
Colin let it go, but the comment had started a chain of thought in Hernán. He gnawed on his lower lip and tugged idly on his harness until Colin said, “Something’s on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?”
Hernán stopped chewing and looked at the land passing below them. “Is this New Jersey?” he asked.
“Yes.”
Colin announced they had crossed into Delaware before Hernán finally answered his earlier question. “I’m going to need to find work,” he said. “Even if I’m staying with you, I’ve got to make money.”
“Hernán, I’ll cover everything. I assumed I would, when I asked you to come stay with me.”
“I can’t take so much from you. A spare room is one thing. Food? Other stuff? No.”
“But what can you do? You don’t have a work permit.” Hernán gave him a long look, and Colin sighed. “I’m being naïve. I know. You didn’t have a permit to work in Provincetown either.”
“I’ll find something off the books, or…” Hernán let it hang. If Colin worked with immigrants then he no doubt understood how they had to go around the system.
“I’m worried you could hurt your chances, if you get caught doing something illegal,” Colin said.
Hernán turned away to stare out the window again. His jaw hurt until he realized he was grinding his teeth.
Hurt my chances by surviving? Was he different somehow than the hundreds of thousands of people who came to the States and did what they had to in order to feed and clothe themselves and their families? What did this rich prick know about the things he and people like him did to get by? No, he didn’t want to use a false social security number or scrounge for jobs paying strictly in cash. But those were far better than the alternatives he could think of, or had heard about.
Colin finally said into his mic, “Look. I’m sorry. That sounded judgmental, and that’s not what I mean. I’d just rather keep you well on the side of the law as much as we can.”
Silence weighed between them until Colin announced, “And there’s my home airport.” He brought the plane down onto the runway in a small valley and taxied to a gas pump refuel. Then he moved the Cirrus to his hangar, where he had Hernán stand aside while he got it stored away.
In less than twenty minutes, they loaded their bags into Colin’s Audi and drove the final miles from the Maryland airfield to Washington, DC.
The discussion in the plane apparently made them both nervous. It exposed how little they actually knew about each other, and how many adjustments they might both have to make if Hernán had a prayer of getting permission to remain legally.
But in the heavy silence of the car, Hernán realized something else. If he worked off the books and got caught, there could be repercussions for Colin too. The oily, black slick of his life would begin to taint Colin, and ruin the innocence and happiness radiating from him.
Whatever else happened, Hernán could not permit that. If his own darkness threatened Colin’s light, he would go.