CHAPTER 4
Landon Lane
LOGAN CRIED OUT FROM HIS bedroom. I sprang to attention on the couch.
“Dad!” His scream assaulted my ears, and I went through anything and everything in my way to get to him.
His door handle busted a hole in the drywall and some of it crackled and dusted the carpet with white powder when I threw it open. My stare went straight to his leg. Blood oozed from a gash below his knee and streamed down his shin.
“Hang on, buddy.”
I dashed through the house and into my bedroom. The entire drawer came out when I yanked it open and rummaged through. I grabbed my first-aid kit. In a few seconds I was back in the room.
I’d managed to snag a few towels along the way.
Logan glared at me with tears in his frightened eyes.
“Hold still.” I soaked up the blood with a towel and looked around at the floor. A shattered glass. I stared back at his leg and the Star Wars sheets bunched up around it. “You have to be more careful.” I cleaned the wound with some soap and one of the towels. “I don’t think you need stitches. I know a little trick.” I finished getting him all cleaned up and eyed the cut. A thin layer of residual super glue cracked when I twisted the lid on the tube. I spread some of it inside the skin and pinched it together.
Logan tensed and squirmed, but I held his thigh steady to make sure it sealed properly. A teardrop landed on one of my knuckles and streamed down the side.
I admired my work of art for a quick moment and then bandaged him up. “Good as new, big man.”
I’d fully intended on hearing a thank you or looking up at a smile. Getting a hug. Something. Instead, he looked away and scrubbed a tear out of the corner of his eye.
I reached for his hands, but he yanked them away.
“What’s wrong? It’s just a glass. It was an accident, right?”
He pushed away and crawled awkwardly up to his pillow. My heart squeezed in my chest.
“Buddy? It’s fine. I’m not upset, I swear.” I stood, dumbfounded, and held the pieces of glass in my hand. Janet barreled past me.
How long had she been standing there?
She crawled up next to him in bed and he embraced her and bawled his eyes out into her shoulder.
Alone.
I was on an island again.
She waved me away with her arm.
“It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay.”
I shook my head and sauntered from the room. The hallway closed in on me with every step I took. By the time I got to the end of it my feet were lead, and my legs tried to pull me through the floor. I thought the walls might crush me like a trash compactor.
What did I do wrong? He was hurt. I cared for him.
I sat on the couch with my face buried in my hands. One of the longest hours of my life, and I’d had some long hours I wouldn’t have wished on anyone. Parenting 101. He had a cut. We got it dressed and bandaged.
Janet finally emerged from the bedroom, and I sprang to my feet. “How is he? Is he okay? What happened?”
She shook her head at me. “You don’t get it, do you?”
I bugged my eyes out, but remained calm. “Get what?”
“Really?” She took a seat and slapped her hand on the cushion next to her.
I sat down.
“He needs—” She sighed and stared at the ceiling. “You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? He just needs a mother. I can’t be here enough, and quite frankly, it’s just not the same thing.”
“What do you mean he needs a mother? I mean, I agree, but his mother’s not coming. It’s not gonna happen.”
“I know that. I’m not an idiot.” She shook her head at me.
“Well what is it then? I mean, he hurt himself. I fixed it.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s not—life isn’t that simple. You can’t parent with a field manual.”
“It’d be a lot easier.” I shook my head.
“Oh, Landon. Yeah, you took care of his basic need. But he needed comfort. It’s hard to explain.” She put a hand on my cheek. “He was scared. He’s never really seen blood like that before. He’s not a soldier. He needed to feel safe. Not like he was wounded and being cleaned up on a battlefield.”
I started to speak, but she cut me off.
Her hand slid to my knee and I relaxed a little. “It’s nothing you did wrong.” She looked down at her hand and then back up at me. “You see? Like that. You don’t know what it’s like because you’re—well, you know—you.”
I shrugged. She had a point. I wasn’t always great at social cues, though I’d tried hard to assimilate. I read parenting books. Observed others.
“I give you a lot of shit. But it’s out of love. You’re doing a great job with him. That boy loves you. You know that, right?”
I stared off at the window. “It doesn’t feel like it sometimes.”
Her hand gripped my knee. “That’s parenthood for you.” She shoved off my leg and rose to her feet. “I have to go. He’ll be fine. Give him a few minutes and go talk to him. You always smooth it over.” She took a few steps toward the door and picked up her bag.
Maybe she was right. Hell if I knew. My childhood was the opposite of normal.
I stood and glanced in the direction of Logan’s room. Was there enough space for another person in our little ecosystem? Was it safe?
That was the million-dollar question.
“TELL ME ABOUT MOM.” LOGAN dive-bombed me in his pajamas and we rolled across the bed.
I pinned him down and tickled his ribcage with my nose. He squirmed and giggled. Kids had short memories and forgave easier than adults. I loved that about them.
“I want to know.”
I couldn’t look at him when he asked about her. “When you’re older.”
“You always say that.”
I tried to wrestle my way out of the question and flipped him onto his back. “It’s bedtime.” I paused for a second. “I need to talk to you about something else.” I loved their short attention spans too. Segues were gold.
“About what?” He dropped his head onto his Darth Vader pillow and wriggled the covers up to his neck.
“I’m going to let you go back to school.”
He sprang up like the Manchurian candidate and his eyes bugged out. “Really?”
I couldn’t help but smile. My body trembled at the thought of him back out in the world, but Logan’s smile somehow made it bearable. I nodded. “Yeah.”
Fists flew out in the air. Reckless hands that I caught without blinking. It startled him for a second, but he was used to it. I let go of his wrists.
Logan shook his hands and giggled. “This is awesome!”
“I’m glad you’re excited.”
He sat there for another minute. I could see a million things running through his head.
“You really like it there, don’t you?”
He nodded. “Ms. Chapman is the best. It’s so much fun.” He looked down at his sheets.
“What is it?”
“I still want to know about Mom. I can’t stop thinking about her.”
Damn, I was so close. I pulled him in for a hug. “I know it’s tough when you want to know something and people tell you that you’re too little. But trust me, knowing everything isn’t always a good thing.”
That was a fact. One I knew all too well. Logan was staying young and keeping his innocence as long as possible.
He didn’t appear convinced.
“You have your whole life to grow up, okay? Just be young. Have fun.”
“Go to school and make new friends?”
I grinned and messed up his hair. “Exactly.”