CHAPTER TWENTY
The only downside to living in a brand-new apartment above the MountainEar for almost nothing was that once fire season was over, Tyler was working down the street every third day. The unseen benefit was that Jojo liked to hang out upstairs after work, and sometimes she’d take me with her to Turk’s—and the owner’s daughter got a nice discount.
We sat at a table in a corner, sipping on Hurricanes in the dim light. Christmas decorations were already hanging from the ceiling, and red and green tinsel garland spiraled around the wooden beams standing at each corner of the bar.
“Good God these are huge drinks,” Jojo said, her words slurred. “I’m only to here,” she said, touching the middle of her glass, “and hammered.”
“The quicker the better,” I said, irritated that I wasn’t even buzzed.
The door blew open, and in walked a line of familiar faces, chatting and smiling.
I sunk in my seat. “Shit.”
“What?” Jojo said, turning to see the source of my reaction.
“Liam!” she said with a wide grin.
Liam heard his name and turned toward our table. Jojo waved like an idiot, and he switched direction, heading straight for us.
“Jojo! Damn it!” I hissed.
Jack, Fish, Jubal, Sage, Zeke, Bucky, Sugar, Cat, Taco, Watts, Smitty, Runt, Puddin’, and Pup followed, filing into our booth and pulling up chairs when the space was filled. I was squished between Jojo and Liam, and she looked unhappy he’d gone left instead of right to sit next to her.
“You couldn’t bring the whole crew, huh?” I said, elbowing Liam.
He laughed and rubbed his ribs. “The rest are coming. Except the twins. Taylor stayed in Colorado Springs, and Tyler went home.”
“What’s the occasion?” Jojo asked.
“Fire season’s over. Most of the guys are getting on a plane in the morning,” Jubal said, patting Pup on the shoulder.
They all looked exhausted, skinny, and content.
“Tyler didn’t want to come out on everyone’s last night?” I asked.
Watts pulled out his phone. “He will if I tell him you’re here.”
Everyone laughed but me. “Please don’t.”
“Too late,” Watts said, replacing his phone in his pocket.
My shoulders sagged.
Liam leaned into my ear. “So you dumped him, did ya? That’s rough.”
“I didn’t dump him. We weren’t together,” I said.
Sage spoke up. “He’s sure been moping around the last two weeks. I don’t think I’ve seen him so miserable.”
Jojo looked at me with sleepy, glazed eyes and jutted out her bottom lip.
“Stop,” I warned.
“Chief said he’s going to let you back next season,” Liam said.
“Really?” Jojo asked, her eyebrows lifting so high they threatened to skim her hairline.
“Yeah,” Liam said. “The poor bloke heard about it every day from twenty crewmen.”
“Are you and Jack going to the airport tomorrow?” I asked.
“Nah. We’re gonna do some sightseein’. You should come.” He looked to Jojo. “Your photographer should do a feature on the Great American Road Trip. She could cover your travel section.”
“We’re not that kind of magazine,” Jojo said, annoyed with Liam now that he wasn’t flirting with her.
He turned to me again. “You should come.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because I have a job, and bills, and I can’t just pick up and leave. I’ve seen the States. Most of them, anyway … and the rest of the world.”
“Oh. World traveler, are ya?” Liam said. He was beautiful—even twenty pounds leaner, cheekbones more pronounced and eyes a bit sunken in—but the part of me that wanted to act on attraction had been stolen by Tyler, and he wasn’t giving it back anytime soon.
“Yes.”
“Her dad owns Edson Technologies, genius,” Jojo said.
The men at the table all covered their mouths and said Oh! in unison. I wasn’t sure why. Her comeback wasn’t that great.
“Your father is Philip Edson?” Liam asked, shocked.
“You’ve heard of him, huh?” I said, twirling the straw in my tall glass.
Jack laughed. “We’ve had Paris Hilton following us around in the woods all this time?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Take that back, fuck-knuckle. Right. Now.”
Everyone at the table but Jack and Liam looked confused. They’d heard the term plenty in Australia; it was my favorite Aussie insult.
“I’m … I’m sorry,” Jack said.
Liam burst into laughter. “Ya soft cock! You’re just gonna take that from her?”
Jack pouted. “Maddox takes a helluva lot more from her than I do.”
I sunk in my chair, blown back by equal parts guilt, shame, and humiliation.
“For fuck’s sake, Jack!” Cat chided.
“No, he’s right,” I said. “I don’t know why.”
“I do,” Jubal said with a knowing grin. “But you can be damn sure he wouldn’t do it for anyone else.”
After a long minute of awkward silence, the crew turned to their pints and whiskey, chatting about their favorite stories from the ending season. Once in a while, they would belly laugh, always at someone’s expense. I scanned over the faces of the boys I’d come to love, wishing my favorite one were among them, but at the same time, relieved that he wasn’t.
Liam leaned in, tapping my nearly empty glass. “You need another, love?”
“Yes, please,” I said without hesitation. Someone else offering to buy me a drink wasn’t new—having to wait to drink until that happened took some getting used to.
Liam raised his index finger into the air, signaled to the waitress, and then held up my empty glass when she looked his way. She smiled at him, already enamored with his accent and the trademark hotshot tan line around his emerald eyes.
He leaned in, his lips grazing my ear when he spoke. He talked about where he and Jack were planning to drive to first, pretending to need traveling tips and laughing at my sarcasm. I’d just finished the drink he’d bought me, and was just beginning to feel a bit lighter when his gaze fell to my lips.
“I’ve been patiently waiting, ya know,” he said. “It’s been almost an hour. Your boy hasn’t come for you yet.”
I looked down. “Probably because I’m not his to come and claim.”
“Yeah, but he’s yours. I can see it all over the poor bastard’s face.”
I noted the pink tint of Liam’s lips against his bronzed skin. A faint echo deep inside me suggested I grab his face and pretend not to care that Tyler hadn’t come like Watts had said he would. The taste of Liam’s drink on my tongue wouldn’t be the worst distraction. The more I imagined his strong hands on my skin, the unhappier I felt. Sterling was supposed to have been my rock bottom, but Tyler had given up on me, just like I had—there was no lower feeling than that.
Just for one night I wished I could return to the pathologically selfish asshole I once was. Even drinking back-to-back Hurricanes couldn’t erase Ellie two-point-oh. Jojo was happily sloppy drunk, but guilt and an ache for Tyler consumed me. Exhaling, my back hit the hard wood of my chair as I wondered if more experienced company could have helped me lose myself. I needed someone supremely manipulative, heartless, and cruel—someone like me.
“You’re terrible at flirting,” I said, deflated.
Liam seemed surprised at my retreat, and then he closed one eye and wrinkled his nose, almost like he was in pain. “I really fucked that one up, didn’t I? Just forget I said that. Let me help. I’ll buy you another drink.”
“I’ll take it.”
The door swung open, and Tyler walked in alone, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking around. When his gaze landed on me, he paused. My breath hitched, and my heart banged against my ribcage. It was all I could do not to leave my seat and run across the room and tackle him.
Tyler casually strolled over to the bar to greet Annie and grab a beer before navigating the tables to stand next to our corner booth. Each step he took seemed to take an eternity, but finally he was there, standing just a few feet away.
He eyed Liam before smiling at me. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I replied, nervous and embarrassed, knowing we sounded ridiculous in front of the crew.
Tyler grabbed a chair and sat next to Jubal, who patted him a few times on the back for encouragement. “Glad you decided to join us after all, Maddox.”
Watts smirked. “I’m sad to know we weren’t good enough for a sendoff, but add Ellie to the mix…”
“Shut your hole, Watts,” Cat growled.
Tyler took a swig of his bottle and leaned back, looking unaffected until Liam lifted his arm and rested it across the back of my chair. Tyler’s eyes darted to Liam’s extended arm, and then to Liam, a murderous glare in his eye.
“We were just talking about you, Maddox,” Liam said.
I let out an involuntary, awkward chuckle. “No we … no we weren’t.”
Tyler stayed guarded, unsure of Liam’s intention but clearly undaunted. He took another sip of his beer, then leaned forward, his elbows on the table. “Is that so?”
“No, it’s not so,” I insisted, trying to wade through the Hurricane to be present enough to avoid humiliation.
Tyler smiled at me, and I melted. “It’s okay if you were. I was just thinking about you.”
“And there we have it,” Liam said. “Told ya, love.”
Tyler’s gaze left me and targeted Liam, a line between his eyebrows forming. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do, Liam, but if you want to leave here with both arms, stop.”
Liam laughed, genuinely amused.
“Liam,” I warned.
“I’m just having a go at you, mate. You make it too easy.”
Jack’s chair whined against the floor as he leaned forward. “Liam. Enough.”
Liam held up his arms. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to get her to take a trip with me. I don’t think it’s Colorado she’ll miss.”
Three lines on Tyler’s forehead deepened when his eyebrows pushed upward. The crew shifted in their seats, uncomfortably witnessing the exchange.
“Another round!” Jubal said, lifting his half-empty glass. The rest of the crew lifted their glasses and hollered their agreement in unison.
Tyler leaned in, lowering his chin as he stared at Liam. “What are you doing, man?” He took the tone he did with Taylor when he was disappointed in his behavior.
Liam smiled his most charming smile. “I’ve tried, mate. She doesn’t want me. I’m an excellent wingman. Ask Jack.”
All of Jack’s teeth gleamed when he smiled. “Truth.”
One corner of Tyler’s mouth curled up, and then he looked at me. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, a man I vaguely remembered stumbled into the table.
“Maddox!” he slurred, slapping Tyler’s shoulder. His fingers curled over the top of Tyler’s flannel shirt and dug in.
“Look!” he said, spittle flying from his mouth when he spoke. “It’s the girl who kicked me in the balls!”
“Todd Mercer,” I said, his clue helping me recall. “I’d love to do that for you again.”
A sour look came over his face. “Ellie, right?”
Tyler shrugged away from Todd’s grip and sighed. “I’m busy, Mercer. I’ll kick your ass later.”
“Why?” Sugar asked, exasperated. “You get your ass kicked every time, Mercer. Every. Time.”
Liam’s eyes sparked, amused. “You kicked him in the balls, Ellie?”
“I was trying to keep him from getting killed by Tyler.”
“Killed.” Todd snorted.
Liam wasn’t impressed. “Who invited this drongo?”
Todd’s nose wrinkled. “What does that even mean? Speak English!”
Liam stopped smiling, trading a look with Jack.
“Move along, Mercer. Your balls will thank me,” I said.
The crew chuckled, and Todd stood up tall, puffing out his chest and suddenly lucid. “You’re pretty fucking mouthy for a seasonal whore reduced to begging locals for drinks.”
After a short stunned silence, chairs squealed against the floor as the Alpine Hotshots rose to their feet. Todd scanned the crew, taking a step back.
The crew’s faces were severe, none more menacing than Tyler’s.
“Maddox!” Annie yelled over the music.
“It’s okay,” I said, standing. I leaned across the table, tugging on Tyler’s shirt.
“The fuck it is,” Tyler said, glowering at Todd.
“No need to be rude, mate,” Liam said.
“Maddox,” Jubal said. He shook his head. “We’re having a good time, and this drunk idiot isn’t going to ruin it for everyone.” He pointed at Todd. “Get the hell out of here. Final warning.”
Tyler glanced at Liam. “Keep the girls over there.”
Liam nodded once.
Todd opened his mouth to speak, but before he could form another word, Tyler lunged at him. Suddenly, the entire bar was a swarm of violent commotion, swinging arms, yelling, and entire groups of men moving one way or the other as they shoved against one another.
Liam pulled Jojo close and stretched his arm across my chest, angling his body in front of us for protection but clearly entertained.
“No!” Jojo yelled as a table buckled and crashed to the floor. “Oh, Daddy is going to be so pissed.”
Jack was standing on a chair, directing whoever was at the bottom of the pile. Cat, Sugar, and Puddin’ were tossing anyone who wasn’t a hotshot out of the mound of thrashing bodies like toddlers eagerly searching a toy box.
“Stop. Stop!” I yelled, pushing against Liam’s arm.
Tyler’s head popped up from the sea of chaos for a brief moment. I escaped the safety of the wall just in time to grab his shirt with both fists. Just as Tyler landed a devastating blow to Todd’s jaw, he noticed I had hold of him and hooked his arm around my shoulders, ducking and dodging the various fighting groups until we were safely in the alley.
I shook my head. “That was … unnecessary.”
“You’re shaking,” he said, reaching for me.
I pushed him away. “Mercer could barely stand, and you attacked him.”
“Ellie … no one was going to let him say that and walk out of there. I was trying to knock him out before anyone else got ahold of him.”
“Oh, so you were doing him a favor,” I deadpanned.
He shrugged. “At least he didn’t get kicked in the balls.”
I paused and then looked down, unable to stop from smiling. The rest of the crew burst from the door, half of them laughing, the rest pulling their still-swinging brothers out.
Liam and Jojo were holding hands, the fight giving them an excuse to break the personal boundary barrier. After a few drinks, one touch was all it took for most, and Jojo couldn’t have been happier.
Jubal exhaled. “That was a much-needed release of tension, I guess.”
Fish frowned. “Wick’s not going to let us back in until next season. Some of us live here.”
“I’ll talk to him,” I said. “So will Jojo.”
They all grinned, patting and hugging me as they passed. “Thanks, Ellie,” each of them said. “See you next season.”
Liam kissed my cheek, winking at Tyler. “Take care, you two. Quit fuckin’ around, would ya?”
Jojo jingled her keys. “Need a ride?”
“I’ve got her,” Tyler said.
I glanced up at him, appreciative. He hadn’t given up on me. No matter what I said or did, he was right there, waiting to take care of me.
Jack patted Tyler on the shoulder, and the crew walked out to the cars parked in the street, chatting excitedly about the brawl.
Tyler waved to them and then turned to me, beginning a full minute of silence in the alley in front of Turk’s. I folded my arms across my middle, feeling the sweat on my skin chill in the autumn air.
“You cold?” Tyler asked. “My jacket is in the truck.”
“I’m fine.”
“So … I’m confused,” he began. “Liam and Jojo?”
I laughed out loud, holding my hands out to my sides and letting them fall to my thighs. “I guess. I’m just as surprised as you are.”
“Watts said he asked you to go on a road trip with him.”
I nodded.
“What did you say?”
“A road trip costs money that I don’t have.”
“Is that the only reason?”
“Tyler...”
His shoulders sagged. “It doesn’t matter what I do, does it? I just can’t…” He gestured to the space between us. “Get past whatever’s in the way.”
I pressed my lips together and clamped down with my teeth. I’d been doing so well staying away from him. It would only be cruel to admit the truth.
“What?” he said with a half-smile. “Say it.”
I shook my head.
“Don’t be a pussy, Ellison. Say it,” he repeated.
“I shouldn’t.”
“Yeah. You should.”
“I miss you,” I blurted out.
He scanned my face, a new light in his eyes.
I closed my eyes. “I think about you all the time … mostly wondering why you put up with so much of my shit.”
“You and me both.”
I looked away, trying to find something that warranted my attention so Tyler wouldn’t see the hurt in my eyes.
“But, when I’m around you, Ellie … it doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter what you did to piss me off or push me away. I can’t explain it. I can’t shake it. Some days I wish I could. I come from a family of proud men, but I’m not the first to falter when it comes to the one woman he can’t walk away from.”
“You should … walk away from me.”
He chuckled. “You think I don’t know that? You’re the female version of me.”
I glanced up at him, pleased with his confession. “When you showed up tonight, I was happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
He didn’t hesitate, taking my cheeks in his hands. He leaned in, but I pulled back.
He furrowed his brow. “Then what? What do I have to do?”
My eyes burned as I clutched the mid-section of his shirt with both fists. “I’ve already told you. I’ve told you a hundred times. I’m fucked up. I’m drinking again. I’m taking spiked coffee to work.”
He shrugged. “So we start over.”
There was that word again. We. It didn’t sound so foreign anymore, and that scared the hell out of me. “It’s not that simple. I’m not in any shape to try to manage a relationship.”
Tyler looked into my eyes, and then yanked his shirt from my grip and walked away with his hands on his head, breathing hard.
“I know I’m a dick,” I said. “You don’t deserve this. But I tried to warn you.”
“Warn me about what?” he yelled, holding his hands in front of him. “That it feels amazing to be with you? That it’d be incredible to watch you give up everything and fight your ass off just on the hope your sister will notice from half a world away? Or maybe you warned me that you’d make me laugh like an idiot?”
I used my sleeve to wipe away an escaped tear. “You could find that with any nice, normal girl.”
“I don’t want a normal girl, Ellie. I want you,” he snapped.
A laugh tumbled from my lips, but my smile quickly faded. “I warned you that I would make you feel like shit. I warned you that you were too nice to get involved with someone like me.”
“Someone like you?” he said, both frustrated and desperate. “You should have warned me that I’d smile every time I think about you—which is all the damn time! You should have warned me about that, too. You should have warned me that you’re beautiful in the morning, in the moonlight, just out of the shower, or with ten days of dirt on your face.”
“It’s not funny.”
“No! It’s not! Goddamn it, Ellie, I’m standing here saying I wanna be with you and you want it, too. I know you do. Your reasons don’t even make sense.”
“They don’t have to make sense to you.”
He breathed out a laugh. “All this time I thought you were a masochist. You’re a fucking sadist.”
“I warned you!” I cried.
“You didn’t warn me that I’d fucking fall in love with you!” Tyler’s veins bulged in his neck, and he put his hands on his hips, catching his breath.
“What?” I choked out.
“You heard me,” he growled. Immediately the anger extinguished from his eyes, replaced with remorse.
“I’ve been trying to stay away from you, Tyler. I really have. I don’t want to drag you down with me.”
“Too late!” he yelled. He rubbed his forehead. “I didn’t come here to fight,” he said, exasperated. “I’m so tired of trying to hate you.”
His words cut deep, the pain settling in my bones. I could barely form the words. “Then why did you come?”
“To see you,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I had to see you.”
I reached for him again, this time slower, testing the waters. Tyler kept his hands on his hips, his gaze bouncing everywhere but on me. I pulled him close, sliding my hands under his arms, hugging his middle, and then pressing my cheek against his chest. His body heat radiated off him like a fever, a thin sheen of sweat dampening his skin. I breathed him in, knowing if I just gave in we might be just a little less wounded, a little less broken, but I was stuck between being too selfish to let him go and too contrite to let it go too far.
The door to Turk’s was opening and closing in a steady rhythm. People were walking by, quiet and curious. Until that instant, I hadn’t noticed we’d gained a small audience. Tyler acted as if we were the only two people in that alley.
“I’m glad you came,” I whispered.
He’d been frozen since I first grabbed him, his arms held stiffly at his sides. After a few seconds, he hugged me back. “Are you sure about that?”
“I miss my friend.”
His chest rose and fell as he inhaled and then breathed out, letting go of whatever he was holding on to. “Your friend.”
“I know. I know it’s so fucking selfish,” I said, closing my eyes.
“I guess I’ll take what I can get.” I couldn’t see his face, but he sounded crushed.
“You promise?”
He touched the back of my hair, and then kissed the crown of my head. “No. No, I don’t promise. Fuck this, Ellie. I don’t want to be just friends.”
I took a step back, fidgeting. “Yeah. I get it. I mean … of course. Who would after…? It was a stupid thing to say.”
“I told myself I wasn’t going to push it, and I pushed it. I know you’re fucked up. I’m fucked up, too. I have no clue how to navigate this, and you … goddamn, you make this a thousand times harder than it has to be. But I’m not going anywhere. I can’t. I don’t want anyone else.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Too fucking bad. We can figure it out later when you’re ready. I’ll back off, but we’re not just friends, Ellie. We never were.”
“What if I’m never ready?”
He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets, hope glistening in his eyes. “I’ve seen what you’re capable of when you wanna be. I think you will be.”
“Why are you doing this?” I asked in disbelief. “I’m a lost cause!”
“Then so am I.”
I covered my eyes, trying not to cry. “It’s like talking to a fucking wall! You’re not hearing me, and I’m not that good of a person to pretend I don’t want you in my life. I’m trying to do you a favor, Tyler. You have to go away. You have to be the one to do it. I’ve tried. I can’t.”
“I’ve already told you,” he said. “I’m in love with you. That’s not going away.” He cleared his throat. “Are you going to Wick’s for Thanksgiving?”
I blinked, shaken by the sudden swing in conversation. “What? No.”
“Not home? Not somewhere with your family?”
“Finley asked. I’m just not … ready.”
“Why don’t you come home to Eakins with me?”
“Come home with you.”
He breathed out a laugh, frustrated. “It’s going to be tough. It’ll probably be awkward. But no matter how hard it is, it’ll be easier than you being alone—and easier on me than worrying that you’re alone on Thanksgiving.”
I considered his offer. “I feel like this is a crossroads.”
He grinned, holding out his hand. “So cross with me.”