Chapter 22
Violet
I had the worst week of my entire life. I could hardly eat or function. It was as if I was moving through jelly. Trying to move forward and move on with my life, but not really being able to. Everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. I wasn’t hungry at all, but I knew I had to eat for the baby’s sake. So, I forced myself to eat. I knew it wouldn’t be good for the baby if I starved myself.
I woke up, went to work, came home, and slept. That was my daily routine. That seemed like all I knew how to do. There was a giant hole in my chest, leaving me to feel hollow. I knew this whole thing was my fault, but that knowledge didn’t make things easier for me.
I couldn’t help the pain and the guilt that filled me. I had lost everything I had ever wanted through my own decision to lie and my own stupid choice. I wished that I had never ever opened my mouth and said anything at all.
I woke up on Saturday morning. I wanted to get out of the house, but other than going to work, it had been so hard to get myself to do anything at all. But I woke up with this deep need to just get out of the house and do something. Anything at all. Even if it was just a walk.
So that’s what I did.
I forced down some breakfast and got dressed. Then, I walked out of my house and began my walk. I walked just aimlessly down the street, taking whatever way I felt like. I had no planned course, and fifteen minutes later, I ended up near Central Park.
I walked through the park, mindlessly strolling along a path. The fresh air and scenery should have helped me think more clearly, but all that it did was bring Cole back to the forefront of my thoughts. Thinking of him made me want to cry, scream, and punch something. The emotions pulsing through me were more than I was able to handle.
I wanted things to be okay. I wanted them to be fixed, and I wanted to be able to talk to him again. I wanted to be able to open up and tell him everything. I just wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me and to hear his strong, confident voice to tell me everything was going to work out somehow.
As I left the park, I saw a coffee shop and decided to stop in and get some. I could have one cup per day while pregnant, and I hadn’t had any today. I desperately needed the caffeine, and I needed something to keep my mind off Cole.
As I was waited in line to order my coffee, someone came in behind me. I turned to look and felt sick as soon as I saw who it was. Michael Foster. He was there in the same coffee shop as me at the same time as me. In a place where I hardly ever came. And the first place I had really gone to in a while.
If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t want to have to talk to him ever again. Now we were shoved inside this little coffee shop together. I tried my best to ignore him, but it was like a big slap in the face. My stomach felt sick again.
“Hello, Violet,” he said.
His voice reminded me of a villain from a movie. The way he said, “Hello Violet.” It was creepy and just rubbed me the wrong way.
I had to fight the urge to throw up everywhere. I swallowed hard and tried my hardest to ignore him.
“You can’t even say ‘hello’ now?” he asked in a snarky tone.
I cringed. “Hi,” I said, not holding back my attitude.
I didn’t want to talk to him, but I didn’t want him to cause a scene, either. I didn’t want to play these childish games with him. And I really didn’t want to sit here and have to associate myself with him anymore. I was beginning to plan my exit.
He laughed. The fucker actually had the balls to laugh at me. The pregnancy hormones were making it very hard to stand in front of him and not just punch him in the face.
The line began to move forward, and I moved with it. Hoping that he wouldn’t talk to me anymore, I kept my attention focused in front of me. I stared up at the drink menu, even though I already knew what I wanted. It helped to keep me distracted.
“I haven’t seen you around recently,” he said in an almost whisper.
I clenched my fists. I wasn’t in the mood to play games with him. Hell, I wasn’t even in the mood to be within the same 500-foot range of him. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm myself down.
And then he said something even worse. Something I hadn’t been expecting and something that caused me to hold everything in so that I wouldn’t splash hot coffee in his face the moment I got my order. He wasn’t worth wasting three dollars on.
He leaned into me closer and said, “Seems like the boss man gets tired of his floozies pretty quickly since you’re clearly out the door.”
I turned slowly and looked him dead in the eye. “Go fuck yourself,” I said and rushed out of there.
I could get coffee somewhere else. I wasn’t going to stay anywhere near where he was. It wasn’t worth it. It was putting more stress on me and my baby than I needed right now.
I walked quickly back home. I tried to fight the tears the entire way. I didn’t want to be that girl. The one that everybody sees crying on the streets of NYC. No one wants to be that girl. I sure as hell didn’t want to be her. And I wasn’t going to allow myself to be her.
My heart was bleeding already, and it felt like Michael had taken a fistful of salt and rubbed it in the wounds. Making it hurt more. Making it feel even more real. I wanted the world to end so the pain would go away. I wanted Cole to speak to me again, dammit.
I rushed into my house and shut the door behind me. And tears came quickly after. I was alone and could allow myself to cry at least for a moment. As long as I didn’t have to see or talk to anyone, I was going to be okay. I could cry and no one would know. I wouldn’t even have to feel ashamed. At least, that’s what I was hoping for. But as soon as the tears really started coming down, my phone started to ring.
I looked down at it in surprise. It was my mom. It was almost as if she knew when something was wrong with me. It was kind of bothering me that I couldn’t just be left alone for too long. I wiped my eyes, even though I knew she wouldn’t be able to see them, and I blew my nose. I answered the phone right before it went to voicemail.
“Hey, Mom,” I said, trying hard to keep my voice from cracking.
She did not need to know that I had been crying. It wasn’t going to get us anywhere at all. She pried too much, and it wasn’t out of concern for my well-being. She didn’t care about my feelings. All she cared about was her image. I didn’t want to have to talk to her about anything. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her I was pregnant.
“Violet,” she said. There was a hint of bitterness in her tone, and I didn’t quite know what that was about.
“What’s wrong, Mom?” I asked.
“One of the nurses told her friend who lives in the Hamptons who told someone else, who told… Anyway, that doesn’t matter. What matters is it got back to me, and I was the very last person to even find out about it.”
“What is it, Mom?” I asked.
I was trying to hide the irritation in my voice, but I couldn’t help it. I hated that my mom always felt the need to play mind games with me. To drag me along some “you-know-what-you-did-but-I’m-not-saying” path. I hated it. When she didn’t respond, I cleared my throat and asked her again. “What is it, Mom? What did you hear?”
“That you’re pregnant!” she yelled through the phone.
Oh shit, I thought. I was fucked. I hadn’t had a chance to figure out how I was going to tell her. I had no idea what I was going to say to anyone really. And now, she found out through other people. This was going to be bad.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she yelled.
“Mom, calm down,” I said. I wanted her to just listen to my story. I wanted and needed her to be a real mother for once. I desperately wanted to talk to my mom about the way I was feeling. And she wouldn’t let me.
“How can I calm down? I’m humiliated. Do you know what it’s like for me to find out that my daughter is pregnant from other people? From a long list of other people?”
She was livid. I could tell. And I really didn’t want to get third-degree from my mother about my choices as an adult.
After the week I had, I didn’t want to deal with that at all. Especially not after the Michael fiasco at the coffee shop just an hour ago. It was all too much. I didn’t want to deal with her screaming and yelling at me anymore.
“How the fuck did this happen, Violet? I demand to know what you were thinking.” Her voice was cold, and I hated that she even found out.
“It was someone at work,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about it, Mom.” There was a bite to my words, but I didn’t care.
“You will talk about it. You will tell me right now who it is!” She was angry, and I didn’t think she had any right to be this angry or upset with me. She knew nothing of my life. She refused to get close to me or let me get close to her for that matter.
And that was when I had had enough. I hung up on her. She called me back immediately, and I hit the “reject” button. I didn’t want to talk to her. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone at all. This whole thing was only making me feel lonelier and more isolated.
When my mom called back for the fifth time in a row, I shut my phone off and threw it across the room.
I trudged my way over to my bed and crawled into it. I felt so ashamed and empty. I curled up under the blankets desperate to block everything out. I wanted to lock myself away from the world and not have to worry about or deal with anything anymore. I was officially done at that point.
My mind instantly went to Cole. I wondered what he was doing and if he was thinking about me, too. Did he miss me? Did he want to figure things out? Did he hate me? It hurt my heart so much that I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call him. I let the tears fall down my face, streaming and not slowing down. I just let myself cry. And I cried the rest of the day away. I couldn’t help it. I had never felt so lost and alone before in my life.