Chapter 21

We become who we are through the choices we make. But, I couldn’t have guessed where this decision would lead me.

“Good morning. I’m Annie Crane. I don’t know if you were notified yet of my arrival. It was decided on rather short notice that I’d run this lab during the setup and training phase.”

Sixteen new employees had gathered before me. A good mix of recent college grads and experienced forty-somethings. I could work with that.

“I dropped by last night for a first look at the facilities. I’d be grateful if Ms. . . .”—I briefly looked at my records—“Ms. Hendricks?” I raised my eyes to look at the assembled group.

“Yes. That’s me.” A strikingly beautiful African-American woman motioned with her hand.

I gave her a friendly nod and continued. “If I’ve been correctly informed, you’re my new assistant, Ms. Hendricks. I’d be grateful if you’d show me around later.”

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, Ms. Crane. It’ll be my pleasure.”

“Good.” I looked at the group again. “I’d like to schedule a personal chat with each of you over the next few days. To get to know you and so I can get an idea of your needs, ideas, and professional objectives. Ms. Hendricks will be in touch.”

She nodded again and made a note in her pad.

“Are there any questions just now? No? Good. Here’s to great start, and I look forward to working with all of you. By the way, should you have any concerns, no matter what kind, please let me know.”

The atmosphere in the lab was good, and urgency was in the air. I’d already discovered through the first conversations that everyone was eager to get the place up and running. My office, which I had to myself, was very modern, minimalist in style and perfectly suited my taste. The only personal objects I had on my desk were two framed pictures, one of Grace and the other of Holden. I stared at his picture for a while before I decided to call him. I reached him at his office.

“Clark Construction and Engineering. Crane speaking.”

“Hi, it’s me.”

I heard him breathe. “Hi. I expected as much. Seattle area code.”

“I . . . just wanted to say I arrived and everything is going OK. And to ask how you’re doing.”

“I’m well,” he answered flatly. “Lots of work.” He was quiet for a moment, then asked, “How are you?” It didn’t sound flat this time.

I felt myself tearing up. “I’m good, too.” I barely managed to hold back the tears but the trembling in my voice would give me away. I took a deep breath before continuing. “I have an office of my own again.”

“I figured you would,” he answered with a laugh.

“My team makes a fabulous impression. They’re all very motivated.”

“I’m glad for you.”

I could hear a knock at his door in the background. “Holdie, have you got a moment?” a woman’s voice asked. I didn’t have to ask to know who it was. I would have recognized Monica among a thousand.

“One second,” he said to her.

“Lots of work, I see.” Now I sounded flat. “I’ll call again. Bye.”

Holden audibly swallowed. “OK,” he finally said. “Bye.”

I waited for him to call next. He took three days, which became our rhythm. Every three days, we’d have a short call during working hours. A bit of small talk about work, our friends, and whatever other news there was, but one of us would freeze as soon as the elephant in the room—our relationship—came up. Fortunately, I didn’t have much time to think about it. I usually arrived at the office around seven, worked all day—sometimes I had so many appointments that there was only time for a very quick lunch. Typically, I was the one to turn the lights off; then I’d go home, eat something, exercise for half an hour, shower, watch a bit of TV, and drop dead-tired into bed. The next day replayed the previous one—every day except Saturday and Sunday, when I’d see Dad, sometimes even with Mom or Aunt Jane. Other times I’d meet up with Corinne, who had started her own little PR agency in Portland, from which she conducted successful advertising and marketing for her artist ex-lover and his friends. Although they broke up a year ago, they were still friends and working together.

And with this routine, before I knew it, it was March, and I’d been in Seattle for ten weeks. Parker had spoken of three, at most four months, but it became clear to me that even four months wouldn’t be long enough. If I was going to leave the lab to my successor in a way I’d like to find it, I’d probably have to stay in Seattle until early summer. The division manager position would still be mine when I got back to Boston. I had the company lawyer write up an airtight agreement, which only cost me a lunch and two margaritas. My greatest hope, that this time-out would be good for Holden and me, wasn’t coming true. Rather, the physical distance between us mirrored the emotional distance. We both became painfully aware of how much we’d drifted apart. Still, neither of us wanted to finally call it quits.

“Yes, at nine.” I switched my phone to my other hand, so I could open the heavy door to my apartment building without dropping my briefcase. Where was that damned concierge this time? Surely, he wasn’t paid to chain-smoke.

“Oh, please have coffee and cookies ready in the conference room,” I instructed my assistant. “Mr. Parker gets low blood sugar, and when that happens he becomes unbearable.” Not that I had to worry about keeping my boss in a good mood—after all, I fully intended to give him a piece of my mind today. But it would make things easier if his blood sugar was stable. He knew that I was right—it wasn’t for nothing that he got on a plane for a six-hour flight here without a single objection. How did he expect I could run the lab effectively without the two additional chemists we so urgently needed? He would have to explain that.

I could imagine Jody Hendricks’s youthful smile over the phone. “Of course, Annie. I will. Anything else?”

“No, that’ll be it for now. I’ll be at the office in twenty minutes. Thanks, Jody, see you soon.”

But first I needed coffee. Real coffee, not the office swill. I headed straight for a coffee shop on 8th Avenue, where I got my caffeine fix every morning. Usually, though, I was there much earlier. I’d slept a little later this morning because I’d stayed at the office until almost in the morning to get the files ready for Parker’s visit. Now, just after eight, the line was longer. At six thirty I almost never waited for more than five minutes. I got in line, grumbling to myself I’d better not be late because of this. I checked email on my phone while I waited: Parker wrote he’d landed on time. Jody sent a reminder for my telephone appointment with the patent office, and Jessica, who was one of my chemists, requested a meeting. I was sure I knew what that was about. The lab was entirely overworked without the two additional chemists. Maybe I should call Jessica in later so Parker would hear from the horse’s mouth how things stood. Feeling a little annoyed, I clicked my phone into sleep mode, put it away, and let my eyes drift in space. Oh, man, there still were six people ahead of me. I considered skipping the coffee when the guy in a suit three people ahead of me caught my eye. Strange, I knew that hair from somewhere. I strained my memory trying to remember where I’d seen him before. When he turned sideways my heart skipped a beat, then dropped to my stomach. I stared at him in disbelief. I was so shocked I froze. My legs moved forward as if by remote control, then my hand lifted by itself to tap his shoulder.

“Seth?”

Sometimes, when you see someone you were close to after years have passed, it feels like you were never separated. Seeing Seth again that morning after more than ten years, that’s exactly how it felt. It was as if the two of us had aged overnight but were still the same people who’d been eternally in love in high school. Ten years had left its evidence on his face and, undoubtedly, on mine. Seth had turned from the boy I once loved into a man who’d experienced so much it was enough for two lifetimes. He’d traveled Europe, suffered the loss of his sister, fallen in and out of love. He’d grown up, and maybe the Seth standing before me was very different from the one I’d known. But his eyes, his thoughtful gray-green eyes, were still the same.

“Annie!” Seth’s eyes widened, his mouth opened. “What . . . are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same.” My voice sounded as exuberant as I felt. My heart jumped into my throat. Could he see my heart pounding?

“I live here,” he answered, his eyes still wide with disbelief.

“Would you please celebrate your reunion somewhere else,” the gum-chewing cashier said to us as she pointed to the growing line behind us.

Without leaving our eyes off each other, we stepped out of the line and went outside.

“Me, too,” I said as he held the door open. “Work. For another few months, at least.”

He spread his arms and shook his head. “Wow . . . this is . . . isn’t this awesome?”

“Absolutely,” I agreed.

“I don’t know what to say.” He shook his head as if he developed a nervous tick, took a step back, and looked me over from top to bottom. “You look fabulous, Annie.”

“Thank you,” I answered slightly embarrassed. We were talking far too loud in our excitement, netting some strange looks from passersby.

“Really. That haircut totally suits you,” he said. My hand automatically went to my shoulder-length hair.

“You, too. You look all grown-up in that suit. I don’t know you like that.”

“Want to walk a little ways?” Seth suggested. So far, we’d hardly moved from the spot and were blocking the coffee shop entrance.

I nodded, and we sauntered off toward Lake Union Park.

“So, tell,” I pushed, pumped full of adrenaline. “What are you doing here?”

“Work,” he answered with a bowl-me-over smile. The dimples I’d always loved so much were in full play. “I’m the new consultant at Nobels & Weyne.”

“You’re a corporate consultant?” I asked somewhat puzzled.

“Surprised?” he grinned.

“A little,” I admitted. “Not sure what I expected. But after all you’ve been up to in the last few years, well, I would have thought you’d be doing something more exciting, to be honest.”

Seth laughed. “Something more exciting?”

“Well, yes. I did.”

“Still milk and sugar?” Seth suddenly asked. He’d stopped in front of a street vendor.

“Only milk.”

“Two coffees, please,” he ordered. “One with milk, the other black.”

The vendor handed him two paper cups, Seth paid and handed me mine.

“Corporate consulting is exciting enough if you ask me,” he picked up the topic again. “And it was getting time for me to settle down.”

“So, of all places, you picked Seattle for that? I mean, there must have been far more beautiful places to pitch your tent.”

Seth stopped and looked me in the eyes. His look appeared tired. “It was time to come home,” he said gently, but his words struck my heart.

I briefly wrestled for words but then said it as I meant it. “I’m so sorry, Seth.” I felt a lump in my throat. “About Lynn.”

He nodded and lowered his eyes. “It happened a while back.”

When I put a comforting hand on his arm, he twitched as if he’d received an electric shock. He looked at me almost frightened. His cheeks turned red. I quickly withdrew my hand. I swallowed. There still was something between us. I’d also felt it.

“You’ll still be here for a few months?” he suddenly asked. Apparently to change the topic.

“Yes. I’m working for a biotech company in Boston. We’re setting up a second lab here in Seattle, and I have the honor of training the new employees and heading the team until we’ve found a suitable lab director.”

Seth nodded thoughtfully. “You’re here . . . on your own?” His question was supposed to sound innocuous, but we both knew what was implied.

“Yes,” I answered without hesitation.

In that moment my phone vibrated, and I pulled it out. It was a text from Jody.

Everything OK? Did you forget your nine o’clock?

“Crap, it’s nine thirty!” I exclaimed in a panic. “Damn! I’ve got to get to work.”

“Shit. Me, too. I’ve got a pitch to make at ten.”

We both had to go, but we were still staring at each other.

“Let’s meet . . . ,” we said as if from one mouth, which made us giggle.

“You first,” I conceded.

He smiled. “Do you have plans for tonight?”

I smiled back. “No, I’m free.”

“Let’s meet, say . . . sevenish . . . Dinner at Elliott’s Oyster House? It’s downtown at Pier 56.”

“Yeah, I know it.” I’d been there for lunch with a client. It was only three blocks away from my apartment.

Seth’s face beamed. “Tonight then.”

When we hugged before separating, I didn’t know whether to tilt left or right and we almost bumped noses.

“Till tonight,” Seth said once more, then we hurried off in opposite directions. I could have sworn he turned around to look at me one more time.

“Please excuse me for being a bit late, Paul. I was held up. How was your flight? Would you like some cookies?”  

Even though Parker was in town, and I had important meetings to attend, I had a hard time focusing all day. I couldn’t get Seth out of my head. I could hardly believe we’d crossed paths. Simply out of the blue. He, the world traveler who I thought would be in Rome or London or somewhere equally exotic, and me, who should actually be in Boston, on the other side of the country. Boy, did he ever look good. Did he have a girlfriend? I quickly looked around. No one was nearby, and I didn’t have any urgent business for the next half hour.

I turned my screen, so no one would catch a glimpse through the glass walls of my office by chance. I opened Seth’s Facebook profile. I hadn’t looked at it for a while. There were a few new pictures. As always, he hadn’t uploaded them himself but was tagged in them. The first one showed him arm in arm with a dark-haired beauty in Paris. It was two and a half months old. In the others, he was alone or with friends. The most recent one showed him with Taylor, his best buddy from high school, but it took me a bit to recognize him. He’d grown a beard. That was less than three weeks ago. Seth couldn’t have been in Seattle that long. Maybe no longer than me. When I’d gone through his pictures—I marveled that I hadn’t done that right away—I checked to see if Seth posted his relationship status, but he hadn’t.

Why are you even bothering? You’re married, damn it!

Feeling like I’d be caught doing something forbidden, I closed the browser window and deleted my search history.

Shortly after five, I left the office—to everyone’s amazement. I never left this early. Seth and I were supposed to meet at seven, but I didn’t have a clue what to wear. I was frantic as soon as I got back to my apartment. I was almost as nervous as all those years ago at Seth’s prom. OK, maybe even a touch more nervous. I had Corinne by my side then. She wasn’t here and neither was Grace.

I did the works—shaved, put on a face mask, styled my hair—then I feverishly rummaged around in my closet. Shit! Pantsuits, jeans, and blouses. I just wasn’t prepared for an occasion like this. I tried several options and finally decided on a loose black dress, ballerinas, and a jean jacket. Fortunately, it was an unusually warm evening for March. I wore my hair straight and down and kept my makeup light. Seth never liked heavy makeup on women.

It was almost seven o’clock.

It only took me a few minutes to walk to Pier 56. I turned the corner—and there he stood. The radiance that spread across Seth’s face as soon as he saw me made my knees wobble. He was looking forward to seeing me. No doubt about that.

“Hi.” He came toward me the last few yards to embrace me.

“Hi.” Had he gotten his hair trimmed since this morning?

“You look great,” he said with a broad grin.

“You, too.” He’d exchanged this morning’s suit for dark-blue jeans, a plain white shirt, and a black leather jacket. It looked incredibly good on him. Hard to believe how much his style had changed over the years. Seth had always looked good, but now he’d found his style. Maybe he’d even found himself—something I was miles away from myself.

“Want to go in?” he asked. “I’m ravenous.”

“Gladly.” I followed him to the host.

“Reservation for two for Yellen.”

The waiter briefly looked in his book, asked us to follow him, and led us to a table on the terrace, right by the water.

As the restaurant’s name indicated, oysters were its specialty. Because I never could get worked up about those slippery shell innards, I ordered the grilled seafood salad, but I had my doubts I’d be able to eat anything. Despite not eating all day, I was so excited I didn’t have much appetite. Seth decided on the wild prawn risotto, and he ordered a bottle of white wine for us.

I had to grin.

“What?” he asked.

I shook my head amused.

“Tell,” he demanded with a smile.

“It’s just,” I started, “we used to eat burgers and drink Coke. Now, we’re sitting here and you’re nonchalantly ordering a forty-dollar risotto and a bottle of pinot blanc.”

Seth laughed. “Yeah. Times have changed. People, too.”

We were silent for a moment.

“Have we changed so much since then?” I asked. The question was more directed at myself than at him.

Seth’s forehead furrowed though he continued to smile.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “If you want, we can go for burgers next time.”

Next time? What was this? A date? A real date?

I only smiled, owing him an answer.

The waiter arrived with the wine in an ice bucket. I observed Seth with anticipation while he performed the obligatory tasting ritual. I always thought the whole swirling-the-wine-in-the-glass and slurping-it-back-and-forth-in-the-mouth act pretentious. A total turnoff for me. Either the wine tasted good or it didn’t. There was no need for theatrics. But Seth surprised me. He quickly sipped from the glass and gave a friendly nod, whereupon the waiter poured a glass for each of us. I could live with that.

Seth raised his glass. “To the people we used to be and the ones we are now.”

A smile spread across my face. “To us.”

The first sip on an empty stomach immediately warmed me from the inside out.

“OK, adventurer,” I started, now more relaxed. “Tell what you’ve been up to in the last decade.”

He laughed quietly. “What do you want to know?”

“Well, everything. Where did you go? What did you experience? Where was it most beautiful?”

He laughed even louder. “If I’d known, I’d have brought my résumé along.”

“You can email it to my office, if you like.” I grinned but then turned serious. “No, really. I’ve barely seen anything of the world.” I leaned over the table toward him. “Make me envious!”

Seth tilted his head back and laughed out loud. Then he told me of his travels in Europe. Described the places he’d been and the people he’d met. Raved about a girl he’d loved and friends he missed. Talked about jobs he had and how he completed his interrupted studies in economics at several universities.

“I worked in London for half a year as an intern in economic consulting and applied from there to Seattle.” He shrugged. “So, here I am.”

“Wow” was all I could say. I was bowled over.

When our meal arrived, we had already finished our first glasses of wine. Only then did I notice I was hungry.

“Now it’s your turn,” Seth demanded after he swallowed his first bite. “What all have you done in the last decade?”

“Phew. There’s not much to tell. I studied . . .”

“Yes, at Harvard, right?” he interjected.

I nodded.

“Well, wow, that’s impressive. I always knew you had it in you.” He looked proud of me.

“I met my husband there.” It felt strange talking about Holden with Seth. “After graduating, we bought a condo, got married, and we both work in Boston. Now, I’m here setting up a new lab, as I’ve already told you.”

Seth looked at me intensely. “May I ask you a question?”

I was startled by the sudden shift in his mood. “Yes, of course.”

“Do you feel as if you’ve missed something in life?”

I stared at him perplexed. I hadn’t expected a question like that.

“I don’t mean to project anything on you,” he immediately said.

“No, no. It’s OK,” I quickly replied. Then I lowered my eyes and looked at my hands.

“Well?” he cautiously followed up.

“Yes,” I finally conceded. “Yes, I do.”

Holden had never felt the urge to see the world. His range extended from Medford to Norwood. He never wanted to go on a trip, leave alone get out of the US. His home turf, Boston, was good enough for him—and I’d stayed there with him. Maybe that would have been good enough for me, too, if I’d had a child. But, it seemed my body wasn’t capable of that. So, there were only the two of us. Holden and me, always in the same place. No. That wasn’t enough. At least, not for me. Maybe that was the cause of our problems. Maybe, deep down, we were too different. Simply incompatible.

“It's not too late,” Seth interrupted my thoughts.

“For what?”

He spread his arms out. “To see the world.”

I gave a tired smile. “Do you think?”

“Sure,” he answered exuberantly, taking my hand.

I held my breath. Seth’s by-no-means-forgotten touch sent shivers down my spine. I felt my cheeks flush.

“It’s only too late when you’ve given up on yourself,” he said so gently it made me swallow involuntarily.

His expression was so intense that I barely managed to look in his eyes. Almost as if he could look deep inside me and find things there I didn’t want to show anyone else.

You can’t help a reckoning when you meet someone from your former life. One of you will always have done better than the other. I realized at that very moment that I was the loser. Seth had shaped his life the way he wanted to. Went where he wanted, loved whom he wanted, and simply moved on when he had enough. Seth had molded his own life—I had let others form mine.

“Do you want dessert?” he asked when we were finished with our meal.

“No. Let’s take a walk on the pier.”

Seth paid. “I invited you,” he said pushing aside my objections. Then we strolled along the pier. He offered me his jacket when he saw I was chilled.

“I’m way too warm anyway,” he said as he put his leather jacket over my shoulders.

I hoped he didn’t see how I tilted my head to take in its scent. His scent. It was the same as before but more adult.

“How about ice cream?” I asked when we came up to a vendor. “I’m buying this time.”

“I can’t say no to that.”

Seth ordered two scoops; I ordered one.

“How’s your mom?” I asked as we walked on, licking our cones.

“Well enough.” Seth hesitated. He looked worried. “She never got over Lynn, and Dad divorcing her is still hard.”

“I didn’t realize your parents split.”

“About two years ago. Not pretty. Dad’s with another woman now.”

I only said “Oh.” Poor Holly. She was such a lovely person. She didn’t deserve that. None of it.

“She’s going to some self-help group at the church now. She made a friend there. The two of them do things together.”

“Sounds as if you’re relieved.”

He exhaled with a sigh. “Yeah. For a while she pretty much withdrew, went nowhere. She was depressed.”

“Was that part of the reason you decided to come back?” I suddenly asked.

He slowly nodded. “Yes, I think that played a role.”

“What was your main reason?”

He gave a short laugh. “It’s not easy to be in a relationship when you’re always moving.”

“So, you’re with someone here?” I asked.

Say No, please say No!

Seth chuckled. “Not yet.” He turned to me and gave me a long look. “But I was hoping to get to know someone. Or . . . ,” he swallowed, “get to know someone again.”

“Oh.” I couldn’t look at him.

What the hell are you up to, Annie?

I deliberately turned the conversation to Seth’s job, and he told me how he earned his money.

“And that’s why tomorrow’s meeting is so important,” he said as he finished telling me about the introduction of skill sets in leadership at a large corporation. That was my cue.

“And I have to get up really early tomorrow,” I added.

“OK.” Seth seemed a little startled. But that was only natural—after all, I’d cut him off midconversation.

“Then I’ll take you home.”

“Thanks.” I was relieved for some reason. “It’s not far from here.”

I stopped outside of the huge apartment complex on Spring and 2nd Street.

“Here we are.”

“Not bad. What floor?”

“The seventeenth.”

“I bet you have a fantastic view.”

“I do.”

Once again Seth spread his arms out. “Well then,” he said. “It truly was a lovely evening.”

“Yes, I feel the same,” I answered and took a step toward him to hug him goodbye. We hugged . . . and hugged . . . and didn’t let go of each other. I closed my eyes and put my head on his shoulder. I almost sighed out loud. It felt so good to be held by him. Seth didn’t let me go, and I was in no rush. When his lips brushed my neck—whether by accident I did not know—my heartbeat quickened. I breathed in deeply, trying to calm it down. That’s when I realized it wasn’t just my heart that had changed its rhythm. Seth’s heart hammered just as wildly and relentlessly against my chest as mine against his.

“Do you want to have a look?” Only when I heard the words did I realize they’d come from my mouth.

“At what?” His voice was muffled by my hair.

“The view,” I said, feeling not nearly as stupid as I should.

I felt him nod against my cheek.

Seth took my hand, and we went to the elevator. Neither of us said a word as we rode up to the seventeenth floor. We held hands tightly the whole way.

I opened the door with trembling fingers, nearly dropping the key. Without saying a thing, I headed straight to the bedroom, and Seth followed me. When I sat on the bed, he sat beside me. We sat an eternity together, neither of us speaking.

“I’ve often thought about you, you know?” Seth’s voice cut like a sword through the silence. “When I heard you’d married, it really did me in.” He sounded brittle. “I know we’ve been apart for a very long time and haven’t seen each other, but . . .” He shrugged, then his shoulders slumped. “There was something final about it. You know what I mean?”

I nodded.

“I even dreamt of you. In your wedding dress. That’s when I knew how much it’d all gotten to me.”

Again, we were silent for a while.

“I often thought of you,” I quietly confessed.

“Really?” he asked, moving closer to me. “And . . . what did you think of?”

My throat tightened I swallowed. “Where you were at that moment, how you were. If you were happy. All those things.” I breathed deeply in and out. “And sometimes . . .”

“Yes.”

“Sometimes I wondered how it would be if we”—I swallowed again—“had slept with each other all those years ago.”

Seth sucked in air in a sudden surge, then moved closer.

Oh shit!

I felt his breath move along my neck. He inhaled, exhaled, my skin contracted under his delicate breath. I closed my eyes, bit on my lip to avoid moaning. I opened them again a few moments later, but the walls seemed to blur around me. He didn’t say a word, the only sound was our deep, regular breathing. Then he put his hand on mine, which was resting on my thigh. A jolt went through my body, diffusing an unmistakable heat through my lower body. I felt my labia swell.

My hand gripped his. I felt as if I were in flames even though only our hands touched. I was more aroused than ever before. My fingers intertwined with Seth’s, and I squeezed his hand. The tension between us escalated, becoming nearly unbearable when he bent toward me, gently brushing my neck with his. Then I felt his lips in the hollow below my neck.

That was it—the moment we crossed the line. I couldn’t resist. A slight moan rose from my throat and escaped my lips. The sound seemed to overwhelm Seth. His mouth greedily meandered along my neck to my lips to finally kiss me. It was just like it used to be. Demanding, determined, yet tender all at once. I reared up toward him, threw my head back. Then I took his hand, which was still firmly wrapped in mine and placed it on the inside of my thigh. Seth moaned into my ear. His hand ran along my thigh, pushed under my skirt and into my panties. I whimpered. Seth’s finger circled my clitoris. Everything pulsed. Slowly he pushed his middle and index finger inside me. When he felt how moist I was, he closed his eyes, and moaned a long “Ah.” Twice he slipped his finger inside me, then pulled my panties down, pushed me on my back, put my legs over his shoulder and ripped his jeans open with a single jerk. His erection sprang from his pants. I was so wet he slid inside me in one movement.

Oh God!

I let out a loud moan. I’d imagined this so many times. Again and again. Seth inhaled sharply, and when he started to move, I moaned again. When I saw in his eyes how much he enjoyed giving me this much pleasure, I wanted to feel him even deeper inside me.

Seth’s glowing gaze cut through me. He stared at me as if he wanted to suck me up. Then he moved faster. Harder. I threw my arms over my head and arched up. This had nothing to do with the sensual passion Holden and I had shared all these years—this was raw sex in its most primal and animal form. Seth moved deeper, faster. Rammed inside me as if his life were at stake. We rolled around snorting, sweating, gasping. I almost shattered in his arms, gasped, then came with a hoarse cry. Seth thrust one last time, then twitched all over his body and sank exhausted beside me. His heart hammered against my chest.

Seth propped himself on his elbows and looked at me. His face was covered in sweat, and his hair fell in damp strands over his forehead. We were still breathing heavily. Neither of us spoke. We just looked at each other and left everything that happened between us unsaid. What might have happened to us had it worked ten years ago?

I would have stayed on the west coast, tried again at UW, or gone to another school nearby. After graduating, we would have both looked for a job in Seattle. Seth would have proposed at some point; we would have married and had kids. Seth’s family would have visited regularly, maybe also my Dad and Aunt Jane occasionally. We would have bought a small house, gotten a dog, and watched our children grow up. Maybe we would have been happy. Maybe not. Maybe the world would have called Seth anyway. Maybe I would have gone with him. Maybe we would have grown old together.

“I saw you.” Seth’s words broke through my thoughts. “Almost a year ago. Last March.”

It took a moment before I understood, then my heart felt a sting.

He swallowed. “At your grandma’s funeral.”

“You were there?” I asked, my voice trembling. The memory hit me like a punch in the stomach.

He nodded. “I was home for my mother’s birthday.” Seth hesitated before continuing as if wrestling to find the right words. “Your back was turned to me. You were between your dad and your . . . husband.”

My whole body became rigid. Tears gathered in my eyes. I knew what he had seen—my baby belly. It was as if my heart were to break again.

My child! My little boy!

Seth supported himself on one elbow and bent over me.

“What happened?” he asked gently.

I involuntarily placed my hands on my flat belly. It almost was as if I could still feel the little one. “I lost it,” I answered as soon as I was certain my voice wouldn’t fail. Tears ran down my cheeks. “At the end of my sixth month.”

“I’m so sorry.” Seth brushed over my hair and wiped my tears away with his thumb.

“It’s been a year,” I said as if it would hurt less.

Seth dropped back into the pillow, took my hand, and we lay silently each thinking our own thoughts. He fell asleep. I watched his chest rise and fall with his even breathing.

I got up at four in the morning, wrapped the cover around me, went out on the balcony, and sat down. It was a cloudless night, as happened only rarely in Seattle. I didn’t look up when I heard the wood floor creak. Not even when Seth sat next to me. We silently sat together, looking at the night sky. I felt him waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t know what. I just sat there, staring into the night.

What have you done?