Chapter 9

For her birthday on June 15, Grace held a warm-up party at our apartment before we headed out to a club. She had invited thirty of her best friends, so our kitchen and living room were bursting at the seams, and our tiny balcony was overloaded beyond calculation. I sat in the middle of the commotion at the kitchen table, sipped on a glass of cheap wine, and laughed at Grace’s jokes. Loud music reverberated through our walls, and people danced. You had to yell to be heard. The mood was exuberant, but that’s how it always was when Grace had people over. She was a born party animal. I preferred to keep a little more in the background but still enjoyed the good mood.

“And then,” Grace was arriving at the climax of her anecdote about the stats prof whose belt broke in the middle of the lecture and the pieces dropped to the floor. “He was clutching desperately at the waistband of his pants to keep them from falling past his hips”— she laughed so hard that she was struggling to finish her story—“as he was on his hands and knees collecting the pieces of his belt buckle. You should have seen it! Oh man, we were dying from laughter.”

I had already heard the story a couple of times but had to laugh. At that moment, the Rhianna song that had been playing ended and “Fix You” came on. The first notes enthralled me. I closed my eyes and was back with Holden. I ran my tongue over my lips, where I still felt his kiss.

Fix me. That’s just how it felt. Like he’d make me whole again. As if he’d heal me . . .

“Annie!”

“Yes?” I opened my eyes, startled. The whole room was staring at me.

“Is Holden still coming?” Grace asked, and from her expression and her raised voice, I guessed it wasn’t the first time she’d asked.

“Um, yeah.” I looked at the clock. “He said about nine.” It was already nine thirty.

“Well, that’s probably him,” she mused.

“What?”

“At the front door.” She looked at me as if I were daft. “Didn’t you hear the bell? Patrick said it’s been ringing for a while.”

“What? Really? Why didn’t anyone open it?” I jumped up lightning fast, grabbing my phone off the charger at the same time. Three texts appeared on the display.

Hi Annie, u there?

I’ve been ringing the doorbell for ten minutes.

Is your bell not working or is the music too loud?

Damn! Hopefully, he was still there. I bumped into three people on my way out, rumbled down the stairs, and pulled the door wide open. There he was.

“Holden! I’m so sorry! Seriously. I didn’t hear a thing. How long have you been waiting? I’m really so sorry.”

“Hi,” he said casually. A smile glimmered in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” I repeated.

“What distracted you so much that you forgot about me?”

If you only knew . . .

“Nothing. Really. It’s just that the music is so loud.” I stood nervously on the front step, just looking at him.

Holden raised his eyebrows and frowned. “May I come in?” he asked when I just kept staring.

“Um. Yes. Of course. Come in.” I hastily stepped aside. Man, was I confused.

“Thanks.” He stepped across the threshold. It was only then that I noticed he was without crutches and cast.

“Your cast’s off!” I screamed enthusiastically.

“Yeah. Since this afternoon.” He turned the liberated leg back and forth. “I feel all new.”

“It’s only been four weeks, hasn’t it? You’re walking OK?”

He nodded, took two big steps toward me, took my face between his hands, and pressed a warm kiss on my closed lips.

“Hi,” he whispered.

“Hi,” I breathed back, trying to stay steady on my wobbly legs.

The stairs gave him some trouble, but he didn’t want to show it. When we’d made it to the top, I led him into the apartment, introduced him to some people, and asked what he wanted to drink.

“So, you’re Annie’s new friend,” babbled Heather, Grace’s on again, off again study partner as she looked Holden over from top to bottom. I never could stand her. Figures she’d put me into an awkward situation. Holden and I hadn’t talked about who we were and where we were going.

Clearly amused, he casually sipped his beer. His eyes rested on my face.

“We . . .” I stalled, not knowing how to finish the sentence. Why didn’t I just ignore her?

“What’s your name again?” Holden stepped in.

 “Heather,” she answered with disbelief in her voice. You’d have thought it was blasphemy that he’d forgotten it so fast.

“Since you’re asking, Heather,” he emphasized her name in a way that didn’t please her but warmed me right up. “We haven’t talked about it yet, but, yeah, I’m Annie’s new friend.” He grinned crookedly. “That is, if that’s what she wants.”

I laughed—amused at the brush-off he gave Heather and because he’d just asked whether I wanted to be his girlfriend.

“Yes,” I answered.

A beaming smile spread across Holden’s face. He leaned toward me and kissed me so softly and gently. Everything around me melted away.

“Aw, how sweet!” Heather cooed as if she’d just watched two kindergarten kids pressing wet smooches on each other in the sandbox. Figures. If he wasn’t interested in her, she had to ridicule what we had.

Note to self: Remind Grace not to invite Heather again!

“Holden, your cast is gone!” As if on command, Grace swayed into the living room, tripped over her feet, and would have fallen into the ceiling-high ficus tree if Holden hadn’t caught her at the last moment.

“Happy Birthday, Grace,” he said, holding her until she regained her balance. How did she manage to get drunk so quickly? Were they playing drinking games in the kitchen? We had talked about that. Last time, someone almost fell off the balcony.

“I’m fine,” she stammered. “We should get going,” she said, first just addressing us, then shouting into the crowd, “We’re heading out! Everybody out!”

“Where to?” Holden asked.

“To the Prime,” I answered. “Over on Franklin. Have you been?”

He sighed quietly. Then he nodded.

There were so many of us, we had to spread out through three subway cars, but we did it, and Grace had worked out a clever ploy to get everybody into the club. The doormen would have never let a group as large as ours in. So, we gathered on a side street, and Grace, who had sobered up fast, divided us into smaller groups.

“Annie?” Her tone was imperative.

“Yes?”

“You go with Holden, Kate, and James.”

“Aye aye, Captain!” I saluted while Grace called out the next set of names, took Holden by the hand, motioned for Kate and James to follow us, and was about to join the line outside the club when Holden firmly pulled me forward. I followed him past the line with the other two tagging along behind.

“Crane,” one of the doormen greeted him as they bumped fists. “Been a while. Good to see you, dude.”

“Yeah, had a broken leg.”

The doorman looked at me and then back at Holden.

“How many of you are there?” he asked.

“Four.”

He nodded, unhooked the red velvet cable, and waved us through while ignoring the boos from the people in line.

“Enjoy,” he shouted after us.

“I’ve never gotten in here so fast.” Kate sounded impressed. She seemed in awe of Holden. “You’re a regular, huh?” she asked in a flirty tone.

I closed my hand a little firmer around Holden’s. His smile spoke volumes. He seemed to like my jealousy.

“Catch you later,” he said, leaving Kate and James behind and pulling me to the bar.

“Do you want something to drink?”

I glanced at the menu. “Vodka martini.”

“Two vodka martinis,” he ordered from a skimpily clad bar tender. Did she just wink at him? I was satisfied to see that he didn’t pay much attention to her or her exposed midriff.

“You’ve been here a few times,” I observed. I had to stand on my tiptoes, lean toward him, and talk into his ear so he could hear me over the booming bass.

“You might say so,” he answered but didn’t dwell on it.

“OK, ’fess up! What’s going on? What’s with this club?”

“I know the owner.”

Again, it sounded as if something important were missing from his answer. I frowned, giving him a questioning look.

He rocked his head back and forth in a winding motion. “I used to date his sister,” he finally confessed.

“Oh.” I hadn’t expected that. So far, I hadn’t thought much about Holden’s past romances. Why would I have? We were only getting to know each other. But now I couldn’t help wondering how many girls he’d slept with. I didn’t think there’d be many who wouldn’t want him in their bed. I’m sure he could be with a different girl every night if he wanted to be. Well, maybe not exactly. But every week?

Stay cool, I admonished myself.

It barely had been two hours since we’d officially become girlfriend and boyfriend—and I was already jealous? This feeling of possessiveness and hostility toward any woman who gave him an appreciative look—that was new and strange to me. At least on this scale.

When our drinks came, we toasted, and I took a big gulp. Holden was watching me carefully—as if he were asking himself what was going through my head. To be honest, I wasn’t sure myself. There were only two possible explanations for my behavior.

First: There really was cause for my rising jealousy because I instinctively felt Holden wasn’t a one-woman guy.

Or, second: It was truly different this time. Maybe he was the one I’d been waiting for. Maybe . . . the one and only.

“There you are!” Grace joined us. “Holden, Kate said you know the doorman and were simply waved through,” she reproached him. “Couldn’t you have gotten the rest of us in?”

“I don’t know him that well,” he replied.

Grace stopped for a moment as if she were deciding whether to be insulted. Then, with a wave of her hand she said. “Never mind, we’re all here now.” She turned to me. “Come on, let’s dance.”

I was about to say no when she raised her finger.

“Don’t. It’s my birthday.” Before I could object, she pulled me to her. I smiled remembering Corinne pulling me to the dance floor at the prom. Apparently, I have a very specific taste in girlfriends. I really had to call Corinne again. I hadn’t heard from her for far too long.

Halfway to the dance floor, I turned to Holden. He was resting casually against the bar, watching me with interest. But . . . would you believe it? He was barely twenty seconds alone when the miniskirt-and-hot pants crowd started to encircle him. Suddenly, I had a very clear idea of how his visits here normally ran.

Well, if that’s the way it is . . .

I emptied my glass in one gulp, put it on a bar table as I walked by, and looked for a spot with a little space to move. I hated being one of the first on the dance floor—I just wasn’t that extroverted. But I could dance. So I did.

The pounding hip-hop beats carried me away. The vodka martini I’d drained did its part. It didn’t take long for me to find my rhythm. I shimmied my hips and torso, and let the bass move me. I demonstratively swung my ass in Holden’s direction. I let my hair fly, cast a glance over my shoulders, and noticed with satisfaction that his wide-open eyes were glued on me. He paid no attention to the mini-skirted kittens prowling about him.

It quickly became obvious that my dancing wasn’t only appealing to Holden—other admirers started to arrive. Already the first one was trying to dance with me. I took a step aside to signal I wasn’t interested. But the next one was already waiting. I rolled my eyes. That was why I didn’t let loose on the dance floor. Most guys think you’re looking for action if you just swing your hips a little. But dancing is about music and the way my body feels—not about coming on to somebody or making them hot. OK—well, maybe it was this time. But I was only dancing for Holden. The guys butting in were just an annoyance to be brushed off like bugs. Unlike me, Grace never had a problem with this. On the contrary—she enjoyed being surrounded by potential sex partners. Usually, she picked out the best-looking one and took him home. I never did that. But, this might be the day.

I could hardly wait for my fantasy to become real. I closed my eyes and imagined for the hundredth time how Holden’s skin would feel against mine. How he’d feel inside me. The back of my neck tingled when someone put his arms on my hips from behind. I immediately knew who it was. The hairs rose over my entire body. The tingling became stronger, radiating from my neck along my spine to my ass. I tilted my head to the side and pressed my cheek against Holden’s. He tensed his arms and pressed my ass against his jeans; his breath was heavy even though he hadn’t been dancing. His muscles tensed under his skin. A quiet sigh came to my ear when I rubbed against him. I moved faster, and he sighed again. Holden’s hand wandered over my belly and upward until his fingers brushed against the underside of my breast. I pressed closer to him and his grip became firmer. I let my head drop on his shoulder. Holden’s hand wandered a bit farther up, his thumb briefly brushed over my hard nipple, then he thought better of it—we weren’t alone here, after all—so he lowered his hand again. He bent forward, moved his lips along my neck into the small hollow above the collarbone, sending goose bumps all over my body. When he began to sway with me, I pressed harder against him. Suddenly needing to see him, I turned around, and my heart skipped a beat. Holden’s eyes glowed, and there was a light sweat on his forehead. His hair was tousled. I put both arms around his neck, pulled his face toward mine, let his lips brush against mine. I opened my mouth slightly, and as his tongue met mine we melded together. Embracing tightly, we swayed to the beat of the music. He pressed his hips tighter and tighter against my hips. His lips wandered along my neck again. His breath was hot on my skin. I dug my fingers into his hair while we kissed, rubbing our sweaty skin against each other. Then I put my hand against his back and pulled him against me with a jerk. The angle changed, and I felt . . . Oh my God! How had he managed not to touch me with that until now. Holden sucked air in with a spasm when he felt the resistance. As I imagined him in my mouth, I moaned quietly into his ear. I had never been as excited as at that moment.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said, panting. “I can’t take it anymore.”

For a second, he seemed petrified, staring at me with big eyes as if he couldn’t believe I’d really said that. Then he took my wrist and pulled—no, dragged—me to the exit. With every step, I felt the moisture between my legs. We grabbed the next vacant taxi. Didn’t his leg hurt?

“Where to?” Holden’s voice trembled with excitement.

“My place.”

He nodded, gave the driver my address, grabbed my hand, and held it so hard it almost hurt. I noticed the shine in his eyes as we turned on to my street.

“How much?” Holden hastily asked. While he paid, I leapt from the taxi as soon as it stopped. I hadn’t even put the key into the lock when he caught up with me and wrapped his arms around my hips from behind.

“I’ve had a hard-on all night because of you,” he moaned.

I swallowed, finally got the damn key into the lock, and threw open the front door to my building.

“Watch your le . . . ,” I started, but he was already flinging me over his shoulder and charging up the stairs.

“Holden!” I protested giggling. “Your leg.”

He put me down in front of the apartment door, pressed me against the wall, and kissed me uninhibitedly.

“My leg is the last thing you should worry about right now.” His hands were everywhere. “Open the damn door,” he gasped. “I’ll go nuts if I have to wait for another second.”

But Holden’s hands greedily wandering over my body distracted me so much I had to try twice before I unlocked it.

Our mouths sank into each other, and we tumbled toward my room. He maneuvered me to the bed, but I pushed my arms against his chest and looked in his eyes. We were both completely out of breath.

“What?” Holden asked, and I saw in his face fear of having done something wrong.

“Give me a minute, OK?”

He quickly nodded and swallowed. “OK.”

I left him standing there with quaking excitement, headed for the bathroom, and rested my back against the door.

What the fuck?!

I’d never experienced anything like this. I wasn’t just shocked by my behavior but also by how much I wanted him. If it had been up to me, I would have blown him on the dance floor, damn it! What’d gotten into me? This wasn’t like any attraction I’d ever felt before. I’d totally lost control.

Breathe, Annie!

I pushed away from the door and looked in the mirror. My hair was disheveled and my mascara smeared. I quickly brushed my hair, removed the makeup chaos from my face, and brushed my teeth. I looked in the mirror again, took a deep breath, and went back into the bedroom.

Holden was sitting on my bed.

“Everything alright?” he asked. There was a touch of worry in his voice.

I nodded. Was it ever! More than ever. The fire returned as soon as I saw him. Not that it was ever extinguished. I’d just needed a time-out to be clear about what was happening to me. To be honest I still didn’t really know. I only knew one thing with absolute clarity: I wanted Holden. More than I’d ever wanted anyone or anything else. I wanted to feel him inside me.

I slowly walked toward him. When he saw that I hadn’t changed my mind at the last minute, his blue eyes sparkled. As I stood before him, he wrapped his arms around my hips and pulled me between his legs, setting me in flames. His hands immediately wandered over my body. He buried his face in my cleavage. I pushed him back on the bed. The mattress bounced from our weight hitting it. Holden was on his back, and I kneeled on the bed, bent over him, and ran my tongue over his lips. He opened them and pushed his tongue into my mouth. His hands ran along my back only to bury themselves in my ass. Suddenly, he moaned, pushed himself up, grabbed me, and rolled us over. Now, he was looking down on me.

“I started to think you had changed your mind.”

“As if I would do that to you.”

Holden chuckled, then brushed his lips along my cheeks to the base of my shoulder. When I felt his breath against my neck, I suppressed a moan. His touch suddenly became gentle, barely more than a whisper, and yet left a tingle on my skin.

“You are so beautiful,” he whispered.

Then the tip of his tongue touched me in the tender hollow above my collarbone and I couldn’t hold back any longer. A deep sound escaped my throat. Holden’s entire body stiffened as if it took all his strength to control himself. He exhaled a long stream of air. I let my head sink into the pillow and arched my lower back, stretching toward him. I’d let him do whatever he wanted to. I saw in his eyes that he knew this.

“I’ve been thinking about this since I first saw you,” he said in a deep voice.

“Me too,” I answered, my words vibrating.

The corners of his mouth twitched. He slowly let his mouth wander along my neck, brushed over the sensitive spot behind my earlobes with the tip of his tongue. Goose bumps formed all over my body as the muscles in my belly tensed up. Everything spun around me.

“How does that feel?” he whispered into my ear.

“Good,” I whispered back. Holden took my lower lip between his teeth and gently bit it. I swallowed and felt the moistness between my legs increase. Then he followed the curve of my lips with his tongue before briefly stopping and whispering, “And this?”

I nodded panting.

Oh God!

The tension was unbearable. He slid his hand under my top, pushed aside the bra, and massaged my breast. His thumb circled my nipple. I could no longer hold back, and I grabbed his hair and thrust my tongue in his mouth.

Fuck me! I screamed silently. Fuck me, will you!

Something changed in his face. So far, he had played, enjoyed getting me hot, but now his own need overcame him. He pressed his erection against the inside of my thigh. There wasn’t a single fiber of my body that didn’t want him right then.

I put my hand on the back of his neck and pulled him toward me. I felt under my fingers how every hair on the back of his neck stood up. I moaned again, and the sound seemed to cost him the last bit of self-control. He pulled his hand out from under my shirt and flipped us over so that I was on top again. Our tongues melded together. I detached from him for a second, sat up, and pulled my shirt over my head. Then he put both hands on my waist, kissed me, and stroked the base of my breasts. With a tiny movement of his hand, he unclasped my bra and stripped it off. The pace of his breath picked up, his dilated eyes slid over my bare breasts, then he pulled me to him and rolled us over again. First, he took off his T-shirt, then tore off his jeans. Bending over me, he worked his way down my body inch by inch. His lips kept wandering until he had reached my jeans. He unbuttoned them, pulled the zipper open, and moved his tongue down to the base of my mound. I had to let go.

“Fuck me,” I said quietly. And again, louder, “Fuck me.”

Then he completely lost control. The expression in his eyes was the most arousing thing I’d ever seen. I lifted my ass, and, with one sudden movement, he pulled my jeans and panties down. I lay naked before him. All I wanted was to give myself to him. Holden pulled my legs apart, brushed with his tongue along the inside of my thigh, to my most sensitive spot. I breathed as if in a seizure. Then he sank his tongue inside me.

Oh—my—God!

My legs twitched uncontrollably. The pulsing between my legs was almost unbearable. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I pulled him up to me and moved my hand down to his erection—oh, how hard it was—and began to work it up and down. First slowly but then ever faster. Holden moaned into my mouth. His eyes were closed.

“Slowly,” he whispered hoarsely. His wild-eyed gaze was almost desperate. “Or I’ll come all over you.”

It only took him a few seconds to put on the condom, then I felt him slowly sliding inside me. I let out a long moan. He was almost too much for me, but my body quickly got used to him as I entirely enclosed him. When he started to move, I almost lost my mind.

Waking up, I smiled when I saw Holden lying beside me. I propped myself up on my elbow to look at him. His chest lifted and lowered evenly with his calm, deep breathing. The expression on his face was totally relaxed although a hint of a satisfied smile lurked at the edges of his slightly opened lips. His hair went in all directions. No doubt, some of that was my fault. He was still naked. The covers just reached to his loins and covered only the essentials. I forced myself to look away. Better to let him sleep a little more. I snuggled into the curve between his neck and shoulder. My head fit there as if his body had been molded for me. He briefly twitched when my breath brushed over his skin but quickly relaxed again. I took his hand and locked it into mine. So, we lay there. Quietly. And I reveled in the most peaceful moment of my life.

Holden murmured in his sleep, then turned on his side. He let my hand go, wrapping his arm around my waist instead. I felt his thigh against mine. Though he slept deeply, I became ever more conscious of this touch. Skin on skin. My heart began to beat faster. I felt my body readying itself for him. I throbbed between my legs. I gently placed my hand on Holden’s chest. Let it glide downward bit by bit. Light as a feather. My fingertips stroked across the little depression between his hip bone and his taut abdominal muscles. Wandered lower. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his skin, when Holden suddenly breathed in with a jerk. He was completely awake. And hard. The blood pulsed in my arteries. He said nothing but rose up over me as I willingly spread my legs. He grabbed a condom from the nightstand and put it on quickly. As he entered me, he looked straight into my eyes.

When I finally got up and went into the kitchen, I found Grace leaning against the counter, sipping from a mug of coffee. She wore a silk bathrobe, and her hair was freshly curled.

“Did you sleep well?” she asked, feigning innocence.

“Yup, thanks for asking,” I replied and reached for the coffee pot. I knew how much it wound her up when I held back on details.

Her mood briefly darkened, then she put on her bewitching smile again. “You two left so early. You were there, then you weren’t.”

“Hmm,” I mumbled as I took a big sip.

“Dear Lord! This is like pulling teeth!”

I couldn’t suppress a grin.

“I heard you two.” She spread her arms theatrically. “The whole goddamned neighborhood heard you.”

I still grinned.

“Well, do tell! How was it? How was he?”

“Maybe you should keep your voice down. He is still here.”

“Really?” Grace seemed so astonished because she usually kicked out her—what to call them?—nocturnal visitors before breakfast.

“Really.”

She looked at me as if to size me up. “How often did you do it?”

“Three times last night and once this morning,” a sleepy male voice answered. I almost dropped my mug. Holden stood in the door wearing nothing but his boxers.

When he saw our startled looks, he said “Good morning” with his crooked smile.

“Good morning,” Grace replied, staring at him a little too long for my liking. She pointed at her cup. “Would you like some coffee?”

He nodded. “But I need a shower first, if that’s OK.”

“Sure. The bathroom’s down the hallway, last door to the right.”

“Thanks.” Holden winked at me and disappeared around the corner.

Grace and I silently looked at each other until we heard the water in the shower, then she burst out, “You did it four times?” Her eyes were wide open. “Four times?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

She cuffed me in the ribs. “Don’t act so cool. How was it?”

“It was . . .” I was looking for the right words, “the best sex of my life.”

“Wow, that’s . . . wow! Really?”

I nodded. “I don’t know how to describe it. He’s tender and passionate and wild and . . . simply damned good in bed.”

She stared at me open-mouthed. For a second, it was as if I felt Grace regretting not trying to get Holden for herself considering what she’d just heard about his performance. But before I could say anything, the water in the bathroom stopped running. A minute later, Holden joined us in the kitchen. His hair was wet, he wore his jeans and shirt from last night, and his feet were bare.

“You said something about coffee?”

Grace passed him a cup. “There’s milk in the fridge,” she said. I didn’t like how she looked at him one tiny bit.

As he walked by me to the fridge, he put one arm around my waist and kissed me on the side of my neck. That warmth immediately spread from my stomach again.

Damn! I’m in love!

“What are you up to today?” he asked after he’d taken the first sip.

“Annie promised to go with me to the orchestra party later,” Grace said before I could answer.

I wrinkled my nose. “Oh, yeah. Right. I knew there was something.”

“Orchestra party?” Holden asked.

“The Harvard-Radcliffe Orchestra. There’s a big party after the final concert of the season, which is a bit later than usual this year,” I explained.

“Can I come along?” Holden wanted to know.

“You really want to do that to yourself?” I asked skeptically. Guys like Holden usually don’t go to parties like that. OK, someone like me usually doesn’t either. But I’d promised Grace—it was her birthday wish. She thought of the orchestra party as an opportunity to bed a musician nerd. Being the femme fatale was her thing. The seductress who liked taking a virgin. Because she didn’t want to go alone, which would have admittedly looked desperate, I—her best friend—was on duty.

“Why not?” He shrugged. “I haven’t been to an orchestra party before. Should be fun.”

“If you’re coming, it’s bound to be,” I said.

“Okaaay,” Grace said, but judging from her expression, she was less than enthusiastic. She would have felt more comfortable with me standing in the corner all night, keeping an eye on her.

Holden looked at the kitchen clock. “I need to get going.” It was already past one. “Physical therapy is at two.”

“Already? Your cast only came off yesterday.” Was I really worried or did I just not want him leaving yet?

“Just light gait training to get started,” he assured me. “When are you going tonight? I’ll pick you up.”

“About eleven, eleven thirty” Grace said while I calculated the hours I’d be separated from Holden. Quite a lot . . .

“OK, I’ll drop by around eleven.”

Holden collected the rest of his things from my room.

“Well,” I started, sounding a bit more disappointed than I wanted to be.

Holden smiled, bent down, and kissed me. Then he put his forehead against mine.

“Last night was . . . even better than I’d imagined it.” His grin looked sly. “And I’ve imagined it so many times. In so many ways.”

You’re not alone there . . .

“Yeah, I enjoyed it, too.”

Again, his mouth pressed against mine. More firmly this time. At the same time, he put his hand against the small of my back and pressed his hips against mine.

Really now? He could again?

“I can hardly wait,” he whispered in my ear.

“Can’t miss that,” I answered, rubbing provocatively against his erection and feeling my body react again.

Holden brushed his nose along my cheek, taking in the scent of my skin.

“I need to get going now.” It sounded as if he had to convince himself. He lingered for a moment, then straightened himself with resolution, and put some distance between us. “Till tonight,” he said and was out the door.

“Oh man, you’re totally into him.” Grace was standing in the hallway watching me. She almost sounded as if she pitied me. Somehow, a silent reproach echoed in her comment.

I hung around half the afternoon, trying to decide what to wear. Finally, I went for a run to clear my head, but when I was done it was still too early to get ready for the evening. While I was still thinking about how best to kill time, I remembered something. Corinne! I’d meant to call her. I enthusiastically reached for my phone.

“Annie, what a surprise!” My old friend sounded happy to hear from me. There was a brouhaha in the background.

“Hi, Corinne, how are you?”

“I can barely hear you!” she shouted into the receiver. “Wait, I’ll go outside.”

I heard a door open. When it shut, it was quiet.

“Well, now. Hi,” she said. “Good to hear from you. How are you?”

“Good. I was thinking about you yesterday and realized that we hadn’t talked for far too long.”

“That’s true.”

“So, tell, what’s new? Where are you now?”

“At an art opening.”

“Oh . . . you’ve discovered an interest in art?”

She laughed. “More in the artist.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” I could hear from her voice that Corinne’s mouth was broadening into a grin. “He’s my new boyfriend,” she said proudly.

“Oh, wow. How long have you been together?”

“Only two weeks. Fresh off the shelf.” Heels were clicking on pavement. “He’s rad, Annie,” she shrieked. “I’m totally done for.”

Her laughter was infectious.

“And you?” she asked. “How’s your love life?”

I was grinning now. “I’ve met someone, too. His name is Holden and he’s taking mechanical engineering here. We became an item, so to speak, yesterday."

“So, you’ve slept with him?”

“Oh, yeah.” My eyes widened when I said that. My head nodded by itself. “Last night.”

“Sounds like it was worthwhile.”

“You have no idea.”

“It was about time you hit a home run,” she confessed. Corinne had been fully informed about my love life since Seth. The two of us kept nothing hidden from each other in that regard.

“Anything new back home?” I asked. Because I only occasionally kept in touch with Lakewood through Dad, Grandma, and Aunt Jane, very little news reached my ears. Especially not the things I wanted to know about. Corinne had moved to Portland, and she was much better informed because she was closer.

“Yes,” Corinne answered in a strange tone. An awkward silence followed.

“Which means?” I asked tentatively.

She exhaled loudly. “Seth’s sister Lynn . . .”

I pricked my ears. “What about her?”

“She killed herself.”

My mouth stood open with disbelief. “What?”

“She hung herself in the hallway. Her mother found her when she came back from shopping. About a month ago.”

I clasped my hand over my mouth. My eyes burned. “Dear God,” was all I could say.

“I was going to tell you sooner, but I knew you had finals . . .”

I was angry for a moment. Had I known, I would have gone to the funeral. But Corinne only meant well.

“How is Seth? Have you heard anything?”

“Yes, Colin told me everything. At least, what he heard from Taylor. He seems to have dropped out of WWU and took off for Europe to study languages or something like that.”

“Europe?” That wasn’t the least bit like the Seth I knew.

“He felt he needed time to himself. No one can reach him.”

My chest stung.

I’m so sorry, Seth . . .

I would have loved to hug him. Corinne and I were silent for a short while, then chatted about a few things that didn’t really matter.

“I have to get back in again,” she finally said. “Great talking to you. Let’s do it soon, OK?”

“That’d be nice.”

“I’ll call next week when I’ll have more time to talk.”

“Yes, take care. Say hello to your artist from me.”

“And you to your stallion from me. Bye, Annie.”

“Bye.”

After we’d hung up, I sat for some time on my bed, staring at the phone in my hand. To this day I don’t know why Lynn killed herself. The family kept the secret under lock and key. I thought of Seth, how his sister’s suicide must have thrown him off course. He had loved her. So much that he pulled out and completely turned his life upside down. Europe . . . languages . . . I couldn’t imagine it. Had he really changed so much? I would have liked to talk to him, but no one I knew had his phone number. Well, his mother would, surely, but I couldn’t work up the courage to call her. I suddenly had an idea. I put the laptop on my lap, opened my Facebook page and typed Seth’s name into the search bar. It was the first time since we broke up that I saw him—admittedly only as a profile picture, but he’d changed so much. His hair was long, almost down to his shoulders. He was less muscular than before, looked rather thin, even wiry. But his gray-green eyes were exactly the same ones I used to be in love with. There wasn’t much else to see other than this picture. Seth’s profile was private. I clicked on the message symbol and wrote:

Seth,

Corinne just told me about Lynn. I’m so sorry. I hope you’re OK. Thinking of you.

Annie

I paused for a moment, pressed “Send,” added a friend request, and took a deep breath. How odd it all seemed. We’d been a couple not so long ago. Shared everything, spent so much time together.

While I was falling in love again, Seth’s life was falling to pieces.