Darci
“Why are you stalling?”
I flip my cell over in my hand, eyes diverted. “He said we needed to talk, what does that mean? Is he ending whatever the hell is going on between the two of us? I know he’s tired of me, of my avoidance.”
I’ve barely seen him, even the night he came over with everyone to build the nursery furniture, I stuck as close as I could to anyone else, refusing us the possibility of alone time. Not that I needed to worry, he avoided my presence as effectively as I did his. He was hurt. It creased along his eyes the way his smile normally does. This time there was no heartbreaking smiles, no playful flirtation in the way he’d look at me. He was uncomfortable in my space, an uncharacteristic awkwardness radiating from his quiet demeanor. Finally, when he couldn’t take it any longer, he made his excuses and left, a dismissive wave as his farewell.
I cried myself to sleep that night because it had happened, Bennett had finally realized my infuriating unease in life isn’t worth his time.
“What did the message say?”
I don’t need to open it on my cell. I know it word for word. I’ve read it that many times. “Darci, come to my place for dinner tonight. It’s important to me, so please be there. We need to talk.”
Frankie’s bottom lip folds down, a soft grimace coming onto her face as she contemplates the words. “I get why you’re nervous. But I think you’re reading into it. Trust me, Bennett’s not looking to end what you have going on.”
My fingers move up to push my glasses up the bridge of my nose. I eye her through my lenses. “Has he said something to you?”
She looks away immediately, shaking her head. “‘Course not. Why would I have seen Bennett?”
Refusing to read into her odd behavior, I bring her back to my current dilemma, answering her first question. “I’m stalling because I’m nervous. He was so distant last time I saw him, I know he’s about to break off whatever romantic relationship we had going on.”
“You love him.” It’s not a question. A simple statement, said without judgment, without expectation, but I nod all the same.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I force a watery smile onto my face.
“Have you told him again since the hospital?”
I massage my chest, the uncomfortable feeling in my heart, twisting painfully. “God, no.”
Shaking her head, the look of complete irritation on her features transforms her beautiful face. “He told you he loved you.”
I scoff. “First, he was high as a kite on painkillers at the time. He also asked Aubrey to sing to him.”
“He hasn’t said it since then?”
She challenges the lie already poised at my tongue with an arch of her eyebrow.
“It doesn’t count.”
Her second eyebrow joins the first, her brow furrowing in confusion. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I growl in frustration, the sound rolling along the back of my throat. “It means that, yes, he has said it again, but he only did it when I was shutting him out. He used our declaration of love for his own benefit.”
“Or both of your benefit.”
I shrug off her refute.
“You’re being weak.” This statement is saturated with judgment, expectation hanging in the air.
The stab of her words penetrates heavily and I take a step back. “Well then, Francesca, maybe I was right from the very beginning and my weak personality couldn’t keep him anyway.”
“I said you were being weak, Darci, not that you are,” she apologizes.
“Two in the same. I act weak because I am. It’s my personality; timid and spineless. Definitely not someone deserving of Bennett.”
She stares at me for a moment, the weighted silence heavy in the air. “Hide behind your insecurity then. Maybe you are right,” she eventually declares, shocking me with her words.
Standing in the bakery across the street, I stare across the street of the boarded-up windows and walls of The Coffee House, the pain crashing into my chest immediately. I haven’t been in there for over a month.
Four weeks.
Thirty days since my life went to shit and everything I’ve worked for burned to the ground. Inside those boarded up windows is nothing but piles of ash, crisped up furniture, scorched pages of the books I threw my life into and every last cent I owned. Not to forget my soul.
I have none of that left. It’s all gone. Disappeared into the air with the smoke and fire that consumed it all. I feel left alone with nothing. Even Bennett seems to have taken my constant rejection on board. I barely see him. Or even hear from him. He texts me daily to check in with the baby. But other than that, nothing. Archer is much the same. He was all up in my business telling me I needed to work on healing, blah fucking blah. But now even he’s given up on my woe is me state. Now that I think about it, everyone is much the same. They were there for a bit, calling me non-stop, turning up to my apartment unannounced and uninvited. Then they all started dropping off with their attentions. I get it. I depress myself lately. I don’t want to be around me. Why should they?
“It’s awkward now. Bennett and I, it’s weird and that’s entirely my fault. I did that. Bennett James isn’t awkward. I am. So our downfall, the distance, the discomfort building between us is all my fault.”
The shop door opens and Annabelle, Archer, Jake, and Aubrey wander through, hand in hand.
“That, right there,” Frankie interrupts my thoughts, “is what you’re throwing away.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be at Bennett’s?” Archer scowls, his eyes dropping to his watch.
“Change of plans.” I steel my spine, avoiding his murderous glare, uncharacteristically aimed at me.
Without another word, I turn away, not gifting my friends or sister another glance, rushing into the small bathroom and closing the door, locking it after a brief pause.
Archer’s banging echoes against the wood, his rough voice traveling easily through. “Darci, open the door.”
I stare at the door separating us, nervously considering the probability of him breaking through to get to me.
Silence descends and I pause my labored breathing, afraid of making even the slightest sound.
“You’re making a mistake, Darci. Think about what you’re doing. Really fucking think about what you’re turning your back on. Push away all the doubts and just think about your feelings for Ben. Can you live without him?” He waits a beat, maybe two, letting his words sink in. “If so,” he sighs heavily, “maybe you are right, maybe you couldn’t make him happy.”
His heavy footsteps retreat immediately and the pain in my heart magnifies through my body, causing my stomach to spasm uncomfortably.
Gripping my lower back, I stretch, easing the pain in my body. I pace. I waddle around the suffocating closet of a room in slow, shuffled movements, stopping every so often to massage the ache in my back, arching this way and that, trying to find relief for my discomfort.
I feel nauseated. Clearly panicked because I don’t know what I’m doing. My body is hurting and all I can think about is Bennett at home, waiting for me when I’m not going to show.
I’ve become a person I despise. Someone constantly pushing the person she loves away. I’ve let my mind admit it, consistently, but apart from the fleeting moment in the hospital, I’ve stopped myself from vocalizing it. I love him. Deeply.
I love him in a way I never thought I’d find love.
I love him the way my mother loves my father. The way my father loves my mother.
I love him in a way that I know no man will ever compare. Maybe a portion of that is the fact that he’s the father of my baby. But I know deeper down in my heart that it’s more. Bennett makes me feel something I never imagined possible. He sparks something in me that makes me feel alive. More than that, I feel like I’m floating in a dream. Because the happiness I feel when I’m with him is something like a fantasy. The love you read about in the novels I let myself fantasize about and wonder how it could possibly exist in the real world.
I’ve found it does.
It exists in the beauty of a man I’ve crushed on since I was a child. He’s perfect. The way he makes me feel is perfect. Complete in a way that when we’re together I’m caught up in the possibility that it could work. But in this moment, right here, pacing the small bathroom with labored breaths and the ache in my heart causing pain to stab through my entire my body, I realize that I don’t actually love myself enough to swallow my doubts and accept that Bennett could actually love me. Not the way I do him. This disaster is completely on me. He makes me believe in more, can almost push me to believe that I could be enough to keep him forever. But I don’t love myself enough. Because if I did, I wouldn’t hesitate to try. I wouldn’t hesitate to take a gamble on myself. Because that’s what I’d be doing, putting faith in myself as someone who was enough. Instead, the thought of trusting what Bennett and I could have has thrown me into a severe panic attack.
A piercing throb of pain hits me and I bend at the waist, my teeth gritted as I close my eyes to shut out the agony I feel.
“Motherfucker,” I grind out, one hand resting on the ceramic basin to keep me upright, the other holding my lower back.
Who would’ve thought a broken heart could fuck you so royally. And why the fuck am I swearing so much.
The pain in my body eases as I force out a long breath and I stand, brushing my hair from my eyes and readjusting my glasses. My reflection catches my eye and I stare into the mirror. I’m a mess; eyes wide and crazed beneath the lenses of my glasses, my face is blotchy, flushed in an unpleasant way and I’m sweating. I need to go home. Crawl into my bed and forget the decision I’ve made, if only just for tonight.
Exhaling heavily one last time, I yank open the bathroom door, charging through the cafe in search of my handbag.
Annabelle glances to Aubrey, concern worrying her brow, before turning back to my agitated state. “You okay Darc? You don’t look so good.”
Readjusting my clothes, I glower at her. “I’m pregnant, Annabelle. I’m uncomfortable because currently, breathing is an effort. But thank you for pointing out I look like shit. Just what I need to hear.”
She balks at my outburst, spluttering a muttered apology. I refuse to meet anyone’s eyes. Right now, as far as I’m concerned, they can keep their wide-eyed stares.
“Wow. You’ve turned ultimate bitch because you’re in denial. You know that, right?”
I whirl on Frankie, her hip propped against the table by Annabelle and Archer’s seats. Shooting daggers at her through my narrowed eyes, I straighten my posture defiantly. “Fuck you, Frankie. Quit with the lecture. I’m sorry you all think I’m making an awful decision. You think I don’t know that?”
I look at them all then, my hand again flying to massage the excruciating pain pulsing through my spine. I wait for it to pass, but it feels like it goes on forever. Sweat lines my forehead and I make a note to research the effects panic attacks have on unborn babies.
“I get it. I’m a stupid, stupid woman,” I grit out, the pain subsiding. “I found someone to love with my whole heart, but I’m throwing it away. I’m running, pushing him away in the process. It’s not that I don’t love him enough.” I blink back the tears pooling my eyes. “I love him in a way I didn’t think could exist. I thought love like the kind I feel for him was a fantasy. I was wrong. It’s real, and it’s in my heart, and it makes my skin turn to fire, my pulse to speed up and it lets me feel whole. It’s real,” I cry, removing my glasses to wipe my eyes.
“Darci, I think you should sit down.” Archer stands, moving into my space, and I point my finger in his direction and he pauses.
“Archer Dean, for once in your life, mind your own damn business.”
His head jerks back in surprise, but he nods calmly, moving to sit back beside Annabelle.
“Why then?” Frankie asks. “Why the fuck would you push love like that away?”
I stare at my friends, all watching me expectantly and I shrug, placing my glasses back on my face.
“Because Bennett deserves more than me. He deserves someone that will make him feel the way he does me. I’m not that person. I’m a fumbling mess. Look at me, something goes wrong, and I crawl into myself. Shit, I can’t even look at him without blushing. It’s ridiculous. He needs someone strong, someone who won’t shy away from him. Someone who can look at him without turning pink or red. I’m weak. I’m awkward. He’ll get bored and then my heart will get broken and I won’t ever recover. I can’t make him happy, not forever.”
“Reckon it’s my decision as to who I share my life with, who I trust to make me happy.”
I startle at the sound of Bennett’s voice, turning fast on my heel just as another shooting pain rockets up my back. I clench my hands into fists, digging my nails into my palms to stop from screaming out.
“I deserve the person I want. Me. I decide.” He points hard into his chest, his words spoken through clenched teeth.
He pauses for a brief moment, his body beginning to move forward, closer to me, but he stops himself, looking at the ground before meeting my eyes once again. “I planned this evening for us tonight. I wanted it to be special for you. I wanted you to feel how fucking fiercely I love you, Darci. I wanted to give you romance. I wanted you to feel special like the only person that matters in my world. Because you are.” His voice drops lower and he swallows deeply. “You and our baby girl are my world, all that is important in my life.”
My bottom lip trembles with my need to cry and I bite down hard to stop it from shaking.
“I love every facet of who you are, Riding Hood. I love the fumbling mess. I crave the blush you give me. It means I make you feel the way you do me. My nerves are shot around you, constantly. Why do you think I walk around with a giant, giddy smile? You make me flustered and I hope with everything I have inside of me that when we’re old and grey, I still make your cheeks shade when I smile at you. It means I’m loving you right.”
“Bennett,” I whisper, my tears falling free onto my cheeks and he watches me for only a beat before continuing.
“I hate that you see yourself as weak. You’re the strongest person I know, Darci Walker. You run a successful business, that’s not something a weak person could pull off. Your strength shines through every day and I’m so mad at you for not seeing it. You stood by your friends when they couldn’t see past their own insecurities. You’re loyal, you’re devoted. You made Annabelle and Aubrey reconnect when the rest of us failed. You didn’t hesitate to welcome your sister back in your life, into your home, when you were dealing with this huge secret,” he gestures to my stomach, “alone. You knew, with or without me, you were gonna be a mom because that baby was someone you’d fight for to the death.”
My heart beats a little faster at his words, and I let them sink into my soul.
“You lost something you put your whole life into,” he gestures back toward the direction of The Coffee House, “and you got up. You’re devastated, but you didn’t stop living. You pulled yourself up. Darci, baby, you’re strength. All the way through.”
Bennett loves me, painful shyness and all.
Bennett adores my blush because it builds his ego.
Bennett sees strength in me, even though I struggle to see it myself.
Bennett James loves me.
And he just told me I was his world.
“I,” I start to speak but stop, my eyes widening in panic. “Bennett,” I worry, and he shakes his head.
“Fucking really? Even after that declaration you’re gonna give me your ‘bolt and run’ eyes.” He sighs loudly, taking a step closer. “Jesus, Darci. How do I spell it out? I love you. Fucking cherish the ground you walk on. You’re my everything. Take the leap, baby. I promise you I’m worth it. We’re worth it.”
“BENNETT,” I yell, stopping any further ramblings and he looks taken aback by my shouting, his head tipping back slightly in shock. “My water just broke.”