Zach held on to Ben while every faltering detail came out. The words “you’re beautiful” sat on his lips like if he moved them at all, they would fall, and something told Zach it wasn’t what Ben needed to hear right at that moment. He smoothed the hair over Ben’s cheek—the scars on his other one were pressed into Zach’s chest—and crooned gently. He didn’t think Ben was even aware of it especially, but every time Zach had gotten close to touching his other cheek, he had moved slightly so his fingers missed it. He had stopped because he didn’t know if touching his face physically hurt Ben, and until he found out, he could be patient.

“I had bad acne for years,” Ben admitted. “That’s why I grew my hair so long, to cover it, but I never washed it except with the hose, so it probably did more harm to my skin than good. I don’t remember granddad much. I think he died, but basically, one minute he was there and the next he was gone, and mom wouldn’t talk about it. We moved a few times.” He huffed as if that was an exaggeration. “I never graduated high school, but I could read so I never worried about it.” He went silent for a few seconds. “No, that’s a lie. I was convinced that if you took the modeling away, I’d be back to being trailer trash. I got discovered in a store just before I was going to steal a shirt.”

Zach kept his hands steadily smoothing the skin on his arm. He very carefully didn’t react to anything other than brushing a soft kiss on whatever part of Ben’s skin he could reach. He was determined Ben wouldn’t regret spilling his secrets.

“I’d actually been on my own for nearly a year before the scout saw me.” Zach felt Ben’s head slide up and knew he was looking at him. This was important, he knew it. “I always used a fake ID. The name Ben is short for Benedict. I have no idea where it comes from, but the rest of it is completely fake. I’m—” he paused. “Twenty-five not twenty-seven.”

Zach just stopped himself from saying something stupid. There had been a reason for the lie, but it was another example of the lack of trust Ben had in him. “You were sixteen when you started modeling?”

“Yes,” Ben said quietly.

Zach was stunned. He had no idea and thank God that meant he was eighteen when they had met. “So, you were dating an old man?” he chuckled, letting Ben know it was okay.

Ben shook his head. “Because it’s the eight years age difference, not six that matters here?” The brittle words weren’t lost on Zach. It was as if one more would crack Ben right open.

Zach sighed and subsided. They’d actually only celebrated one of Ben’s birthdays together. They had been apart for the last one, and Zach had been in India and Ben had been in the Seychelles for the first one. “It’s so messed up.”

He felt Ben stiffen and hurried to kiss the top of his head. “I mean both of us.” He felt Ben relax. “So—if I dare ask—what are you doing now or are you retired?”

Ben squirmed. “I’m actually writing.”

“Yeah?” Zach asked immediately interested. “Writing what?”

“Well, it’s not the next Tom Clancy that’s for sure.” Zach could hear the discomfort in Ben’s voice.

“So, give me a clue, poetry?”

Ben snickered. “No.”

“Read some to me.”

“I—”

“Please.”

Ben blew out a breath and sat up. “Just a couple of lines then,” he cautioned. He reached over for a small iPad and scrolled to something. He paused and cleared his throat.

“He was still alive. Which was, he guessed, a good thing.”

“Oh my God, that’s yours?” Zach sat up incredulous. “The shower scene.” It was them. No wonder it had gotten him so hard so fast.

“How the hell have you—”

“Charlie.” They both said simultaneously.

“He just downloaded something for me to read, and I had no idea.”

“He’s beta reading it for me. Oh God,” Ben’s words were muffled, and Zach pulled his hands away from his face where he had dived behind them.

“It’s really good,” Zach said. “I mean really good. Of course, you need an editor…”

“You’re just saying that—”

“No. Do you know how refreshing it is to have gay leads?” he stopped suddenly. “Please tell me one of them doesn’t die.”

Ben bristled. “Of course not. This is a love—”

“Story,” Zach finished and leaned over. Ben’s lips were so soft and so sweet. He could kiss them forever. What was he saying? He fully intended on kissing them forever. Zach leaned back, his mind racing with possibilities and ideas tripping over themselves as they vied for dominance.

“I even know an agent. Of course, you could go the self-published route. But an agent would get you more book signings,” he joked.

“No.” Ben scrambled off the bed, panic very obvious in his voice. “Absolutely not.”

“Hey,” Zach reached out, instantly realizing his mistake and cursing. “Whatever you want. Writing can be one of the most anonymous professions in the world. You have nothing to worry about.”

Ben stilled.

“Come back to bed,” he coaxed.

“Are you hungry?” Ben asked, parrying the question.

“I could be,” he replied cautiously. Obviously depending on his other choices.

“Give me a few minutes,” Ben said eagerly, and Zach sighed and leaned back.

Zach could quite happily have taken a nap by the time he heard Ben’s bare feet walking back into the bedroom.

“I remembered you like fish, and Josh makes this salmon dip that is absolutely delicious. He even makes these homemade crackers to scoop it up with, and we have fruit.” Nerves slammed into Zach. He couldn’t and in bed? He would make twice the mess. He swallowed and pressed his hands down on the bed to keep them still.

“Actually, you know what, I’m not sure I’m that hungry, but I’d love some water.” The gorgeous smell of whatever Ben was carrying hit Zach, and his stomach chose that moment to grumble loudly. Zach wanted to die.

“You sound hungry,” Ben chuckled, and Zach felt the bed dip. Zach could hear the silence and knew Ben was trying to work out what was wrong. He felt Ben’s hand rest over his. “Talk to me.”

Zach shook his head. Not as a no, but as an I can’t. It was ridiculous, pathetic. “I might make a mess,” he said, half hoping Ben would brush the statement off, so he wouldn’t have to explain it further and half hoping he wouldn’t.

“Here, open,” Ben said quietly, and surprised, Zach did as he was told and closed his mouth over the small bite size piece of cracker. The taste of salmon and mild spices flooded his mouth, and Zach chewed enthusiastically then swallowed. “Good?”

Zach nodded—I should have known better. He was beginning to realize that all the criticisms Seth always had about Ben were founded on misconceptions, and he had been as guilty of them as his brother. He understood the desperate need to keep what he had fought for. He had never appreciated that even though Ben had told him he had been brought up in the foster system. I never asked. Ben had sometimes made an offhand comment, and Zach had asked an occasional question, but he had never gone any deeper. It was like Ben had hidden in plain sight all this time. What sort of a boyfriend did that make him? He wasn’t surprised Ben had run. He had never given him enough reasons to think he wouldn’t abandon him.

He immediately opened his mouth when he felt something brush his lips, but this time, trapped Ben’s fingers along with the food and licked them.

Ben made a half-strangled noise. “Why is that so hot?”

Zach grinned and felt himself relax. They finished the food quickly, and Zach had a flare of panic when melon juice dribbled off his lip after Ben had put it on his tongue, but Ben immediately bent over and licked his lips. The accompanying moan was so decadent Zach could feel himself harden and swell. Who knew eating was akin to foreplay? Of course, there wasn’t much sexy about the protein shakes and coffee that Ben had always seemed to live on before.

Zach leaned over and kissed Ben fully on the mouth, but his hands were sticky from where he had attempted to feed Ben some pineapple cubes. “Bathroom?”

“Just go out of here, and it’s the third door,” Ben replied instantly.

Zach got off the bed and squinted automatically even though he knew it wouldn’t help. Then he felt Ben’s hand on his arm. “I have a better idea,” Ben said. “I was thinking I might need to do some research to make sure I got every aspect of the shower scene accurate.”

Zach licked his lips. He had a feeling Ben had said that to cover the fact he had guessed when Zach hesitated that locating the other door might not be as straightforward as he thought, and he had realized his mistake and was trying to save Zach the embarrassment of asking for help.

Or it could be because the idea was so fucking hot. “You might have to wash me. I mean I can’t see so there may be places I miss.” Ben made a breathless sound that Zach recognized, and he waggled his eyebrows. The giggle was nearly as satisfying as the first noise.

“You have the best ideas.”

Zach was surprised that Ben’s bathroom was large, and the walk-in shower wasn’t just a spray angled over a bathtub. “It seems very luxurious for a cabin.”

“I got the first new one,” Ben explained. “I told Daniel I wasn’t especially bothered, but I’m really, really glad now.”

“I’m surprised Daniel and Josh aren’t in a cabin.”

“I think they might build, to be honest. Josh was originally wanting to adopt or even foster. They talked surrogates, but Josh said there are so many kids that need a home, they both desperately want to make the island a foster home.”

Zach heard everything that Ben didn’t say, and he had more experience with it than most. “America is supposed to be a rich country. First world not third. But did you know the US has the highest rate of child poverty in the developed world?”

“No,” Ben replied, turning on the water. “But that doesn’t surprise me.” Ben stepped into the shower. “There isn’t a step over or anything.” Zach followed him and groaned as the hot water hit him. Ben stepped close, and Zach put his arms around him. He stood for a second, reveling in the feel of Ben in his arms.

“Would you wash my hair?” It was getting too long for him to do. “I can’t get my eyes wet.”

Ben kissed his pecs, “I love that you trust me to do that,” and Zach sighed in contentment. Zach would have replied, but the feeling of Ben’s fingers running through his hair took his breath away. In what seemed like no time, Zach was clean and oh so very hard. He had washed Ben as well. The sinful slide of his fingers over Ben’s slim body woke every memory he ever had, and he turned Ben back to face him, wrapping his hand around both their cocks.

“Oh,” Ben sagged into him, and Zach loved it. He had lost just about every shred of dignity and self-respect in the past four months, hating someone having to help him get food, wash his hair, and shave until he had to grow a beard because he couldn’t stand it, but this? Ben’s touch was something else, and he adored that Ben didn’t hesitate to give him his weight. Trusting him to hold him up. It was all he had ever wanted. To hold and to be held. He tightened his slippery fingers, and Ben bucked into them as he glided his hand, grip tight, up and down until he was biting his own lip with the effort not to come.

“Baby?” Zach pleaded, questioned.

“Oh, agh.” Ben stiffened and threw his head back with no warning, and Zach, who needed to let go, came in a thunder of heat and pleasure. He planted his feet and panted harsh breaths but held on tight to Ben. Ben shuddered and pressed in closer which was just about perfect. He dropped his chin on Ben’s bent head and let his heart’s furious pounding ease.

They spent the rest of the day lazing, eating, loving. Ben knew they were avoiding saying much more than they had already talked about, but between Ben’s confession, the details of the fire, and Zach’s very understandable worry about his eyes, they were pretty much both exhausted. The worry and fear of the last few years was hitting them both hard.

And he was avoiding thinking of the day when Zach was able to see him. He knew Zach wasn’t so shallow, but he simply couldn’t shake the fear of rejection. He was scared. Scared to trust. Petrified to let go.

Ben moved from where he was curled up in the crook of Zach’s arm on the sofa when he heard his cell phone ring. Zach sat up and let him go. Ben rushed in the bedroom and swiped it up. It was Matt.

“Hey, do I need to come and give Zach a ride, or are you both good? I’m just leaving to collect Noah, and Josh is fretting about…well, everything, really.”

“I’ll ask.” Ben smiled and walked back into the room. “It’s Matt, he wants to know if you need a ride.”

Zach looked straight at him. Ben knew he couldn’t make out his features, but he could see where he was standing, and the hopefulness on his face was very clear. “I don’t know, do I?”

“No, Matt. We’re good, tell Josh Zach is staying here tonight.” Zach could hear the pleasure in Ben’s voice.

Ben heard Matt relay the message and then, “Josh says I have to take him to Sanibel at eleven tomorrow. There’ll be a car waiting to take him to his eye appointment.”

Ben promised he would be ready and hung up. “You have to be ready to leave with Matt at eleven tomorrow.”

Zach nodded and closed his eyes, seeming to almost shrink into the sofa, and Ben’s heart went out to him. “I’m sure it will be good news.” He walked over and sat back down, and Zach lifted his arm automatically.

“I wouldn’t mind some of that,” Zach replied lightly, but Ben could hear the tremor in his voice. Zach pulled Ben close. “It’s so easy to take things for granted, but I’ve never been one to save money for much.” Ben knew. He and Zach had been opposite in so many ways. “I took on the assignments to pay for the overseas trips and to pay to stay in New York. I—” he came to a stop.

“If your right eye is good, will you go back?” Ben tried to keep the fear out of his voice.

Zach sighed and went to rub his face, checked himself, and lowered his hand. “I’m not supposed to rub them at all. I forget.”

Ben lifted his hand and brought it to his lips for a kiss then he kept it held in both of his. He didn’t ask the question a second time because, if Zach avoided it, he would have his answer. And he wasn’t sure he was ready to hear it.

“I can’t,” Zach said. “Insurance. The charities wouldn’t be allowed. And it wasn’t like I would be able to do it forever.” Ben’s heart sank. Translated that meant that Zach still wanted to go but couldn’t.

“What about photography though?” He tried to imagine Zach as he had snapped pics of him. He wanted to say he always used only one eye, but he didn’t mean it to be funny, and it wasn’t very tactful.

“I don’t know. It’s all I’ve ever done.”

“No, it isn’t,” Ben protested. “Your bachelor’s degree is in child counseling.”

“It is,” Zach agreed. “But to actually get someone to pay me to do that, I would definitely need a master’s and probably a doctorate.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t be qualified to do anything other than be an administrative assistant.” Zach paused, and Ben knew he was thinking of something. “Do you remember Steve Custos?”

Ben frowned. “Seth’s squash buddy?”

“Yeah. He’s a speech therapist, works with Child Alone. You know the charity?” Ben remembered Zach had taken a ton of photos for their fundraising campaigns.

“I followed him around for nearly a year, and it got so I was more interested in what he was actually doing than taking pictures of it.” He screwed his nose up. “I still have contacts with Millie Kline though.”

Ben tried not to react, but he was sure Zach had heard the indrawn breath. Zach brushed a kiss on his head which basically meant he had noticed.

“What would you have to do to become a speech therapist?”

“A master’s which I could do in two years. I honestly never wanted to go back to school, but,” he shook his head, “you should have seen what they did. The way he changed children’s lives was amazing. That would tie together nicely with the undergraduate counseling.”

“It sounds perfect.” Zach would be so good, and the enthusiasm made Ben hope. He opened his mouth to ask more questions, but Zach yawned, and Ben’s heart squeezed tight. “How about we go to bed. Are you hungry first?”

“No, to be honest, bed sounds good.” Ben stood and together they went into the bathroom. Ben showed Zach where the spare toothbrush was. “I’m gonna need to go in the morning in time to get changed, so I guess I might as well get showered in my room.” Zach looked disappointed, and Ben tried to work out what he was really saying.

“I’m just going to let Kai out for a few minutes while you’re in here.” He watched for Zach’s reactions, but he just nodded.

Ben quickly checked Kai’s water and made sure he would be okay in his bed. It wasn’t like Kai ever slept in his room anyway because he had always been nervous about the excited puppy accidentally scratching his face. Kai was happy in his bed, but Ben wouldn’t put it past him to sneak up onto the sofa later. When he came back, Zach had finished in the bathroom and was fiddling with his sunglasses. Ben gazed at him in confusion. Zach hadn’t worn them all day while they had been inside.

“You okay?” he said in concern.

Zach huffed and turned. “I forgot.”

“What?” Ben closed the distance. Zach looked upset.

“I forgot my drops. I have two I have to take tonight. It’s just—”

“No problem,” Ben finished. “I can either call Matt and ask him to bring them, or we can go get them.”

“We could stay in my room over there. Both of us.”

Ben hesitated. The hotel would be busy. He couldn’t, then he looked at Zach. He could see how tired he was. He looked exhausted, and he had to remember that. “I—I just don’t know,” he whispered. Zach put his palm out to cup Ben’s face as he had done earlier, but he was holding his sunglasses in his left hand and he brought his right hand up to Ben’s left cheek. Ben stepped back so fast, he nearly stumbled.

Zach froze. The confusion on his face was clear. Then his mouth hardened. “What did you think I was going to do?”

“I-I’m sorry. It’s automatic.”

Zach was silent for a long time then his shoulders sagged. “If I could see you properly, would we have still spent the afternoon together?”

Ben opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Not a denial, not an agreement. He didn’t know what to say.

“I see,” Zach said quietly. “Then it’s better that I go back to the hotel.”

“Zach—”

“Because you just spelled it out to me that if I get my sight back, we won’t be together.”

“No, Zach.” Ben reached for him, but as he brushed his arm, it was Zach who took a step backward.

“Please call Matt for me?”

Ben didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t an ultimatum of any sort. Zach just seemed resigned.

“I want to be brave enough.” He did. He just wasn’t there yet.

Zach sighed and closed the gap between them, pulling Ben close. They stood together for a long time without speaking. “Let me go back tonight and to my appointment tomorrow. I’ll come by afterward.” Ben reached into his pocket for the phone without knowing what else he could say. He still hadn’t gotten undressed since he took Kai out. Matt answered nearly right away. He was relieved Zach was letting him call Matt and wasn’t insisting he walked back. He didn’t look like he could make one mile never mind five.

Zach shuffled back into his shorts and shirt then sat down and petted Kai for a little while. By the time he had gone to the bathroom again and come back out, Kai barked once, telling them Matt was here. Ben didn’t know what to say. He’d ruined what had been a perfect few hours. The best hours he had lived through since the night of the fire. He walked down the steps of the cabin with Zach, trying his best to make it not look like he was escorting him, but Zach was mostly silent and greeted Matt quietly while getting in the cart.

Ben stood and stared at the empty path for a long time after they had gone.