AFTER SIX MONTHS, it was almost easy to believe that the weeks I’d spent in Charlotte—and the precious seven days I’d spent with Evie—were nothing more than a lingering dream.
In my weakest moments, especially when my subconscious took over each night, I still thought about her. In those times I could still recall the way she smiled and the sound of her laugh, but I made a conscious effort not to let my doubts about releasing myself from the hold she had on my heart seep in.
Whenever concerns surfaced over whether other creatures could be like her—warm and caring and not the monsters we’d been conditioned to think they were, I tried to push them out of my head. Mostly, I was successful, just so long as I wasn’t alone too often. At least being around my family for missions and hunts helped with that, even if it gave the guilt I felt over betraying them a stronger grip around my heart.
While I couldn’t control my dreams, the visions that haunted me at night, or the frequency with which I had to fight off a forcible invasion by my own memories, I had consciously allowed thoughts of Evie to enter my mind once, and only once, since the time I’d made the choice to forsake her love and return to my family.
On her birthday, I’d locked myself in my room, ignored my family and allowed myself to mourn the loss of the happiness I’d felt in the short time we’d had together. I’d closed my eyes and let every vision I’d pushed out of my mind in the time I’d been away from Evie to assault me.
If anyone noticed I’d retreated for the day, no one said anything.
“You ready for this?” Eth asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I glanced around at the flat expanse of nothingness that seemed to roll past the car window.
Eth’s question was one of courtesy. There wasn’t the choice for me to answer in the negative, but it was his way of giving me a two-minute warning so that I could prepare myself as much as possible. The two of us were alone for the moment, Lou and Dad had been sent on a separate assignment to Arizona leaving Eth and I to head on alone to the City of Rocks in New Mexico.
I preferred it that way. Eth put up with my moods in a way Lou and Dad never could. He left me to do my thing, so long as I did what I needed to when the time came.
“Yeah,” I answered even though there wasn’t a need. We both knew what we needed to do. There had been a rash of reports of sightings of a giant black puma roaming among the craggy outcrops, and although there hadn’t been any deaths or physical attacks reported yet, we’d been called in to investigate and destroy whatever it was that people were seeing.
We had a few rough ideas of what we could be dealing with, but ultimately needed more information to be certain. The sort of information that could only be gathered with guts, determination, and a hell of a lot of weapons.
With my HK45 handgun tucked into my rear holster, an athame in my hand, and holy water in the silver flask at my hip, I was ready to find out more. Once we left the car, I charged into the national park, not caring what I had to do to get the job done or that my chosen outfit of dark jeans and boots was wildly inappropriate for running—especially with the heat wave that had New Mexico firmly in its grips.
If I was honest, I hadn’t really cared about anything since the day I joined back with my family. Living or dying mattered little; all that mattered was saving lives. Everything else was pointless.
Ever since I’d been released from Bayview, I’d trained harder and longer. It gave me something else to think about, something to distract me from the constant stream of noise and doubt in my head.
By being the good soldier, I gave my life purpose—even if it wasn’t a purpose I believed in anymore.
Every hour I wasn’t hunting, I was either in the gym to rebuild my wasted muscles or pounding the pavement to increase my stamina. My actions had little to do with the needs of the Rain. The pain was penance for failing everyone so spectacularly—Evie and my family. The only time my mind seemed almost silent was when I could concentrate on something else—either physical pain, the sound of my feet pounding against the pavement, or the kill.
Since allowing the Rain soldier inside me to take control over every aspect of my life; the world was my battlefield and all others were the enemy. It was how I had to live, or else I was going to go crazy. If I allowed even the hint of the question of whether they deserved it to enter my mind, I couldn’t cope. Staying sane—or at least as sane as possible—was the only way I could keep the secret of Evie’s survival safe. Doubts would see me end up back in the cell at Bayview—back in Hell.
“Wait up, Clay!” Eth shouted. “There’s no prize for getting there first.”
I heard his feet fall steadily against the ground behind me as he tried to match my pace.
“And definitely none for getting yourself killed,” he muttered under his breath, before adding in a more reasonable volume, “I get the excitement of the kill, but dude, there’s no need to rush in and get our asses stuck in an even worse situation.”
I stopped and rolled my shoulders to stretch my neck muscles. The hours in the car hadn’t exactly been pleasurable, and I ached from being coiled and folded in the small space for so long. I should have been used to it; after all, it was my place now to always get the smallest seat, the crappiest rooms, and the lowest standard of anything we bought or did. I didn’t argue because I figured it was my punishment for the choices I’d made.
Despite the fact that my family didn’t seem to think so, I had actually learned my lesson. Given the ability to make the choices over again, I would change the choices I’d made. If I’d known that Evie would suffer the heartache of losing her father, and that I’d have to endure the agony of retraining, I would never have tracked her down. I would have stayed with my family and left her as nothing more than a memory.
Liar!
Before the week I’d spent with Evie, I wouldn’t have given a single thought to her family or what might have happened if I’d turned on mine. When I’d gone to find her, it was because there was something drawing me to her, but I’d figured it was nothing more than the lingering desire of a schoolboy crush mixed with the desire to know I wasn’t crazy for feeling that way about a monster. I certainly hadn’t expected her mere proximity to make me doubt everything I stood for.
After our week together, I’d been doomed. Perhaps it would have been easier if I’d never found her, but I also knew those memories were too precious to give up completely.
I often found myself reflecting on Dad’s question when I’d first returned to the Bayview, when he’d wondered whether I was under some type of curse. Even Lou had commented on the spell-like hold Evie had over me. I hadn’t wanted to believe it, but sometimes I had to wonder whether maybe they were right. Especially when I realized that despite everything I did to push her out of my head, I longed for her more and more with every day that passed.
Pushing the thoughts from my mind, I concentrated again on the hunt. I wanted to sprint off again, but instead, I forced my feet to stay still while I waited for Eth to catch up. To give myself the illusion of movement and stop the doubts creeping back in, I stretched my neck again and bounced from the ball of one foot to the other.
“Where’s this thing supposed to be anyway?” I called back to Eth.
He checked his GPS. “This area is lit up like a Christmas tree with sightings. The coordinates of the last one are just up there a little.” He pointed in the direction of a flat expanse of land beside a massive clump of red rocks that rose from the dust.
“It’s got to be in there then.” I waved my hand in the direction of the rocky formation. It was easily the size of a small city block, climbing to the sky in some places and twisting around itself in others. There were sure to be a series of caves and tunnels worming their way through the rock. “You take left, I’ll go right.”
Eth nodded. “Just watch for snakes.”
Once his back was turned, I rolled my eyes. That would be right. We’re hunting one of the foul creatures that inhabit the Earth and he’s worried about fucking snakes.
Regardless, I paid close attention to the ground before me and took extra time to assess the rocks before placing my hands down as I picked my way around the boulders.
By the time I was almost halfway around the natural structure, the tips of my boots and the ends of my black jeans were coated in dust. It was hot, almost too hot to function, and the color and choice of clothing I’d made that morning didn’t help. The faded black jeans were a staple in my wardrobe now. I could barely admit the reason for that to myself, but it came down to the same thing all of my choices did in the end. Evie. The jeans were the same color and style as the ones I’d worn the day I left her, and I couldn’t bear to wear anything else when I was traveling. It was my silent tribute that no one could ever know about.
For the half a second my mind was distracted with the memory of Evie’s tears and hurt-filled words as I’d left, I misplaced my footing and caught the corner of a rock with my boot. The action sent me off-balance and I smacked my hand against the rock face to stop myself from ending up sprawled in the dirt.
Motherfucker!
My hand stung as I pushed myself off the rock.
When I’d righted my footing again, I inspected the damage to my hand and saw a large graze across my palm littered with tiny cuts. The wound wasn’t major, it certainly wasn’t enough to stop me in my hunt, but it stung as the hot air surrounded it. For a second, before I could think any better of it, I closed my eyes and imagined it was Evie’s warm breath blowing across the graze rather than the heat of a desert summer. Weirdly, it actually helped. I opened my eyes, half expecting to see the ghost of her that had haunted me in Bayview. When there was nothing but rocks, desert, and sun, I hated myself for actively letting her into my head.
Pushing Evie from my mind, I rounded another corner. As I did, a saltbush beneath me grabbed hold of the tattered edges of my jeans, snagging it and increasing the size of the tear.
Motherfucker!
Reaching down with one hand to unhook myself, I placed my other hand against the heated rock surface to steady myself. The tiny action sent a smattering of pebbles to slip to the floor, which in turn caused a previously unnoticed spider to turn heel and rush into a dark fissure.
Godforsaken hellhole!
In my anger, I kicked a football-sized rock in front of me, and sent a dozen other creatures that had been hiding in the shade beneath the stone, skittering away.
I groaned in frustration.
Why couldn’t we be doing something normal, like chasing a werewolf down the streets of Manhattan?
From a space just above me, a feral growl issued in response to the noise I’d made. Without risking any sudden movements, I slipped the athame into my pocket and reached around for my gun. Once my hand was securely around the stock, I lifted my eyes toward the source of the sound.
Another snarl cut through the air when I met the gaze of a massive black cat with glowing yellow eyes. With even that small glance, I was sure it wasn’t just a normal big cat—there was a definite supernatural air about the creature. The cat’s hide was so black it almost seemed to have a blue hue as it absorbed the sunlight around us. The huge muscles of the monster’s chest rippled as it shifted deeper into the crouch, pressing almost flat against the rock beneath it. With our gazes locked, the creature grew more agitated.
I maneuvered around the rock to get a clearer line of sight of the whole body of the enormous creature. Guttural growls and sharp hisses flew from the cat’s mouth as my action took me closer to where it was perched on an outcrop. Its ears flattened against its head, and it pulled back its lips to reveal a hideous set of teeth that extended into a pair of glistening canines that must have been at least ten-inches long. Golden eyes seemed to glow brighter than ever and the noises it issued increased in volume. I readied my hand on the trigger as I slid my gun from its holster.
Once I was steady in position and knew I had room to maneuver, I took a step away from the outcrop. Instead of attacking me, the cat stayed perfectly still and the warning sounds it made lessened as I stepped away. For a moment, I was captivated by the strange glint in the luminescent globes staring at me from a face of short, smooth black fur. When I took another small step away, the muscles beneath the blue-black hide relaxed.
“Clay, you all right?” Eth whisper-shouted as he rounded the rocks and rushed back to find me, clearly drawn by the growls of the beast.
The sound of his voice drew my attention away from the monster in front of me for less than a second, but it was enough to give it the freedom to turn to run. The instant I realized it was going to escape, I pulled out my gun, lined up the shot and fired three times at its chest and head.
I couldn’t risk being responsible for the escape of another creature. I couldn’t face retraining again—just the darkness of the memory of the month and a half I’d spent there was enough to make me desperate to toe the line.
The creature dragged itself along the boulders for another two or three steps, trailing a smear of blood behind it, before falling heavily against the rock. With the gun still raised in my hand, I began to climb toward the black mass to ensure that I’d finished the job. The only thing more dangerous than a monster was a wounded one.
Picking the easiest path, I climbed toward the body. By the time I reached the top, Eth was climbing behind me. I edged toward the cat, which gave a wounded growl before the air around it shimmered and an instant later, a petite woman replaced the beast.
The only thing that remained largely unchanged were her luminescent yellow eyes as she looked at me. Blood dripped from the wound in her chest, and she coughed when she tried to speak.
I looked up to see a young child, who couldn’t have been more than three or four, staring at the morbid sight of the woman dying in front of me. At first, I thought I’d found the first victim and felt vindicated that I’d made the choice to shoot.
The dying creature beneath me reached for my arm, clutching my wrist in her thin fingers with a strength I would have thought impossible for her frame.
“Please.” Her voice was a gurgled cough. “Please, have mercy on my daughter.”
I looked at the young girl again and met her soft yellow eyes, and I saw that I’d been wrong. She wasn’t a victim; she was what the cat had been protecting. She would have been barely out of diapers, and I’d just shot and killed her mother.
Right in front of her young eyes.
I yanked my hand out of the woman’s hold and skittered backward away from her. Meeting the child’s eyes again, I felt every sharp edge of the pain of regret that I’d tried to hide since leaving Evie’s side slice at my body again, tearing apart my heart and leaving my lungs useless.
“How could you do this Clay?” The voice was Evie’s, but my own mind supplied it in disgust.
“Mama!” the girl cried out as the reality of what was in front of her seemed to register in her young mind. The cry shot straight into my stomach, hitting me with the force of a bullet, and I couldn’t control my body anymore. I twisted away from the sight of the girl falling to her knees beside her mother’s body and lost the contents of my stomach.
I closed my eyes and tried to block out the sound of the girl’s sobbing as it steadily grew in intensity. I pressed my hands against my ears. No. I don’t want to do this.
The soldier within me lay in tatters, leaving me as little more than a child desperate for his own mother to return. Vivid recollections of being a young boy, of waking and screaming for Mama to come home rushed through my mind. Dad’s voice followed, shouting at me that she was never coming home—that we’d driven her away when we let Lou get taken. My lip quivered, and my chest pounded. It was too much to cope with. Too much to bear.
“Wake up, Mama!”
“What are you doing?” Eth snapped at me when he saw me on the ground. The heaving cries that tore from me as I struggled for air almost matched those of the child whose mother I’d murdered.
“Get up!” He sounded almost like Dad, void of all emotion and completely uncaring about the plight of the child.
The sound reminded of the retraining, and I knew I needed to do what he ordered or I risked facing the ordeal all over again. With a great effort, I dragged myself to my feet, staggering a little due to the lack of oxygen I suffered through. Even as I stood, I hyperventilated and couldn’t drag enough air into my screaming lungs.
“Don’t do this,” he whispered in a dangerous tone. “Remember your duty. Remember why we do this.”
My gaze slid past him and fell onto the girl again. Ignoring the warning in my brother’s stance, I took a step closer to the little girl. I knew I was risking the ire of my family, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t murder her too.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to her. “I’m so sorry.” The words probably meant little to her, and she’d certainly never understand the weight of the guilt they carried. “It’s going to be all right.”
“You have to kill it.” Eth pressed the gun I’d dropped back into my hand. I couldn’t force my fingers to close around it, so he did it for me with his other hand until the piece was held in my loose grip. “Finish the job.”
“She . . . she’s just a little girl.” The scene in front of me morphed as I imagined the kidnapping attack on Evie. Only in my mind it had a different outcome. With the sound of the girl sobbing over the loss of her mother, the young Evie in my mind watched as her father was killed in front of her. She was tugging on his arm with desperate cries, trying to pull him to his feet so they could outrun the monsters that were chasing them. I looked down at the gun in my hand—the monster was me.
“She’s not even a she.” Eth shook his head in frustration. “Goddamn it, it’s always going to be the same with you isn’t it.”
Eth lifted his own gun to shoot the girl, but before he could aim, I stepped in front of him.
“It doesn’t have to be black and white.”
“It is black and white. If that thing had come across a camper instead of you, do you think the body count would be any lower right now?”
Over the sound of the pitiful crying of the young girl, I tried to recall the moments before I’d fired. The creature wasn’t fighting me; she was issuing a warning. When I backed away, she didn’t attack me; she was fleeing to get to her child. I didn’t answer his question though, because he wouldn’t listen. In his mind, I was tainted by my choices when it came to Evie. “You can’t kill a child.”
“What would you have me do instead? Release it into the wild to be free to hunt anyone unlucky enough to come across it? Take it back and give it to the Assessors to have their fun?”
With his words it was clear that it didn’t matter what I did from there, the child was already doomed. I’d destroyed the rest of her life the moment I’d fired the first shot. I couldn’t allow a child to have to face the Assessors. Trying not to think about the consequences of my actions so far or of what might happen next, I closed my eyes and whispered, “Do what you have to then.”
Without a backward glance, I skidded down the rocks until I was on the flat ground and then I ran.
I’d probably covered a quarter mile before the sound of a gunshot rang out into the air, causing me to pause for a moment. An instant later, I gathered up my bearings and began to run again; only now there was no solace in the movement.