The next night was poker night at Lance and Travis’s house. Preston was both relieved, and excited to see everyone again. He hated not getting to see them all the time. And he could tell Luke about how he’d been improving, how he’d been talking through his issues with Brad and how well it was all going.

His attraction to Brad aside, he’d found that he actually enjoyed their talks. Sure, discussing all the ways he was fucked up wasn’t fun. But getting it all out there, telling someone about how he felt, and all the things he’d been through … it was good.

It felt like he was purging it. Like he no longer had to keep it inside of him, or hold onto that burden alone.

He wasn’t sure about telling anyone else, though. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his friends. It was just … he didn’t want their pity. He didn’t want them feeling bad.

About six months ago, after the whole thing with Ross’s ex, which had been a huge mess, Ross had had to tell everyone about his toxic relationship with the guy. Preston had seen how everyone had reacted. Some of the guys had been pretty good about it, but others had treated Ross more carefully. Like Ross was still recovering, when the nastiest part of it had been almost a year ago by that point.

Preston didn’t want his friends to see him any differently, or to beat themselves up from some misguided notion that they should’ve done something. What could they possibly have done? They couldn’t have paid for his college or supported his mom.

Sometimes, it was just the way that life worked. You got dealt a shitty hand.

Brad, though—Brad had known nothing but Preston’s anger from the first. He’d immediately challenged Preston, demanded that Preston face why he felt the way that he did, and he’d welcomed learning about those reasons. There was no prior perception of him for Preston to change with his revelations. And that was refreshing.

He felt like he was finally starting to get a grip on himself, be in control of himself, for the first time in years.

He wasn’t as sure about the other things. The professional things. Could he really find a way to achieve the dream he’d let die?

He’d given up on that idea so long ago. It hadn’t felt like too much of a fantasy at the time. In fact, for some people, like Adam and Eric, ambitious corporate guys, or Ross, who was a surgeon, it probably sounded like too mundane of a dream. Being a high school sports coach.

But for Preston, it had meant everything. He hadn’t even told anyone about it, besides Coach Dietrich. He’d been scared of jinxing it.

And then it had gone to shit anyway, and he’d felt justified in not telling anyone, because now he wouldn’t have to deal with everyone feeling bad for him, and saying they were sorry as if it was somehow their fault, or asking him if he’d applied to colleges for it or what he was going to do now or whatever.

It had been depressing, he had to admit, to realize that nobody had expected him to go to college. He and Travis were considered the followers to Luke’s leader, the muscle, so to speak, but he hadn’t realized how little was expected of him until he’d failed to go to college and nobody had batted an eye.

Yeah, it’d stung. But it was better than pity.

Could he actually achieve that dream now? He didn’t even know if the school needed a coach. They probably already had somebody—he’d never bothered to check.

After he’d graduated, and known that he wasn’t going to get to do what he wanted, he’d stayed away. It had been too painful at first, and he was pretty sure that most of his teachers were glad to see the back of him. He hadn’t been a model student, to say the least.

He didn’t want to have to move somewhere else to be what he wanted. Being around his friends was more important than his job, when it came down to it. If they’d all ended up fleeing their small town and staying in Chicago when they’d graduated high school, then Preston would have found a way to follow them.

The only time he really enjoyed life was when he was hanging out with them, and while some people could have careers that drove them, that made up their lives, he hadn’t loved—still didn’t love—the idea of his dream job enough to leave the people he considered family.

So he really wasn’t sure that he shared Brad’s sentiment that he could still achieve the dream he’d once had. It felt like too many factors that he couldn’t control would have to come into play and line up.

But he could have a better relationship with his friends. He could be a calmer, happier person. He could have more control over himself, and find a way to let go of the anger that had been holding him down.

And that was victory enough for him.

“Hey!” Travis said in greeting with a grin as he opened the door. “You brought the chips?”

“Yup!”

“Everyone else is here already,” Travis said as he led Preston into the poker room. “Lance and Davis are out at the movies, but they said to tell you hi.”

Lance and Davis had never been fans of poker, so they usually went and did something else, just the two of them, while the others played.

When Preston entered the room, he saw that sure enough all of the others were there: Luke, Hank, Jake, and Matthew. Adam sometimes played, as did Eric, but oftentimes they had work, or preferred a quiet night at home. Ross also joined when he could, but his schedule as a surgeon was crazy, and his boyfriend Tom—Adam’s paralegal—wasn’t too fond of poker either.

Preston hugged everyone hello and then sat down. It didn’t take long for them to start asking him how the anger management was going.

He wasn’t surprised that they all already knew what he was up to. Secrets didn’t really stay secrets for long in their friend group, and Preston had never really been hiding anything anyway. They’d all noticed he wasn’t at Joe’s, they'd all seen Luke drag him out that one night and talk with him; they must have asked Luke almost immediately what was going on.

But so far, through football games and such, nobody had really asked him about it. It had only been a few weeks, but Preston figured they were giving him a chance to get used to the whole thing, and maybe even a chance to calm down in case he was pissed at them (and more specifically at Luke).

Now it looked like they’d gotten over that and were eager for information.

“Is it easier or harder than you thought it would be?” Jake asked as Travis dealt the cards.

“Easier,” Preston said. “But that’s because the student assistant, Brad, was really nice and saw that I was uncomfortable in the group, so we’re doing private sessions on top of it.”

“How’s that work?” Matthew asked. “Isn’t a part of this thing learning how to get along with other people, even if you clash?”

“Well, yeah. I do have to still go to the group sessions. I have to do the exercises and all of that. And I have to listen to everyone and be respectful. But I don’t have to share with them; I can just share in our private sessions, and we talk then.

“Brad’s really patient with me. We got off to a really rough start—”

Hank snorted, and Preston had a feeling that Brad had already told Hank about all of that.

“—but he really cares about his work and the people in our class. And I mean, we had a guy get upset the other day, and I had to intervene because Brad’s just too damn nice sometimes, because he really does care about these people. And he’s been patient with me when I get all, you know…”

“Like an asshole?” Jake said dryly.

Preston flipped him off. “Yeah, sure. You know what I mean. He’s really patient with me. And it’s really great. I actually feel like I have some confidence again. Like I’m in control of myself again.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Matthew said, honestly, and Jake nodded solemnly.

“You’re making progress?” Luke asked.

“I think so?” Preston shrugged. “Brad says that I am, and I trust him.”

“He’s a good guy,” Hank agreed. “We always got along great when we lived together—still do.”

Preston couldn’t keep himself from grinning. “Yeah, he’s awesome. I mean, I think he could stand up for himself a little more, but he’s been fantastic. He’s got a good sense of humor, too, and he’s just a great listener.”

Jake and Matthew exchanged raised eyebrows, and Luke got a weird look on his face. “What?” Preston asked.

“You look besotted,” Travis said bluntly.

Preston could feel his face heating up. “I do not.”

“Yeah, buddy, you kind of do,” Jake said.

“He’s a great guy, that’s all,” Preston said, struggling to keep his breathing regulated the way that Brad had taught him. He hadn’t told Brad yet, and he wasn’t planning on telling him anytime soon or the guy might get too smug, but those stupid breathing exercises actually worked. “He’s really helped me.”

“Right, and that explains the stupid smile on your face,” Travis said.

Preston shrugged. “So he’s a little cute, no big deal.”

“It could be a big deal,” Luke said. “Brad could get fired or something if people find out that he’s sleeping with one of his … students, for lack of a better term. People want to know that their coach will be impartial and will help them out, that he won’t let the personal get involved, and if he’s sleeping with you, then that’s definitely not being impartial.”

“Says the guy who fell in love with the lawyer who was fighting for the other side of the custody battle.”

“Then learn from my mistake,” Luke replied. “Adam and I took a huge risk with that, and we had to stop seeing each other until the whole legal battle was over. Adam would have lost his job if anyone found out about it. It was stressful, let’s put it that way.”

“He’s not even technically my counselor, or whatever. That’s Katie. Brad’s the student; he’s got to help out at these things to get hours for his masters degree.”

“Still enough of a fine line that you could be playing with fire,” Luke said.

“Does he know you have a crush on him?” Jake asked.

“Uh…” Preston couldn’t think of a lie fast enough, and he knew his face gave him away—Jake snorted with laughter.

“Of course he knows,” Travis said. “Preston wouldn’t know subtle if it hit him with a brick.”

“Does he like you back?” Hank asked. He didn’t sound accusatory, but genuinely curious. He was Brad’s only friend, according to Brad, anyway. He was probably wondering why Brad hadn’t mentioned this to him.

“I think so?” Preston hazarded. Kissing someone back and coming together was usually a pretty good sign of someone liking you, but he wasn’t going to say that part out loud. Not when the others were already semi-disapproving.

And did Brad really like him? He liked him enough to hook up with him, sort of. He was attracted to him, yeah, that was the right description. But did he actually like him?

Brad was still in the closet, and Preston didn’t fancy being someone’s dirty little secret. But he also didn’t like the idea of not getting to be with Brad at all. And then again, the idea of only sort of having him, of being friends without getting the more that they both seemed to crave … that sounded like he was just torturing himself.

“Brad plays things close to his chest,” Hank said. “He’s a private person.”

“He’s also in the closet, at least to his family,” Preston said. “That’s what he told me, anyway.”

“Yeah, it’s…” Hank shrugged. “I could say it’s complicated, but really, he just is afraid it’ll hurt his mom. They’re really close, especially since he lost his dad.

“His dad was who got him into the idea of being an anger management coach; he went to therapy, and took Brad along for some father-son sessions to help fix their relationship. Brad was really impressed by how therapy could help someone, and he ended up focusing on anger management because that was a problem he said he saw in a lot of men. Nobody had ever taught them how to properly handle their anger.”

“It’s admirable,” Preston said, and he meant that. It really was. He was a poster child for enraged men. He knew what a problem it was. “I don’t want to get him into trouble.”

“Then I wouldn’t do anything about your feelings,” Luke said. “Not until you graduate the class and you’re not his student anymore. I’d even give it a week or two, just in case.”

“Yeah, graduating and then immediately going on a date that night is going to be playing with fire,” Jake said.

“If you ask me,” Travis said, “he’d be lucky to have you as a boyfriend.”

“We’ve noticed that you look more at peace,” Luke said. “During the football games and stuff, and when we see you around. I’m excited to welcome you back to Joe’s soon.”

“We’ve been telling him you should get everything on the house for one night,” Matthew said with a grin.

“Thanks, guys,” Preston said, smiling. “I really do feel better. I mean, I’m not—it’s not like I’m all better; I still struggle with it. It’s my instinctive reaction. But I know why I act that way, and how to fix it, and that already helps me feel better.”

“Wow, could it be that I was right about something and you’re admitting it?” Luke teased.

Preston jokingly flipped him off.

The game continued and they moved on to other subjects, like Jake and Matthew’s wedding, and Seth applying to colleges. But Preston wasn’t completely settled.

Was he putting Brad’s career into jeopardy by doing stuff with him? Had he been selfish, greedy even, to kiss him—and more—last night?

It had been consensual, and Brad had wanted it, but Preston had been the one to start it. He’d initiated it, and he’d possibly put Brad in a compromising position because of it.

He didn’t want to be the reason that Brad got into trouble. Already there had been that one hiccup, and who knew if there could be more if they weren’t careful.

Maybe he should talk with Brad. Make sure that they didn’t do anything more until after Preston was no longer in his class. Just to be on the safe side.

“You look thoughtful,” Luke pointed out quietly as they turned in and swapped out their cards for the first round before betting.

“It’s just that I don’t want to put someone I like into an uncomfortable position,” Preston said. “I should apologize.”

Luke paused, shuffling his cards and squinting at them before pulling his attention back to Preston. “You do seem a lot better. I don’t know if you know what you were like to us before this.

“But you were really… uptight all the time. Like you were just one wrong word away from snapping. And you’d never apologize when you messed up. That just wasn’t what you did.”

“I’m starting to realize how unbearable I must’ve been,” Preston admitted, also keeping his voice low. “I’m not saying that I’m completely better, but I’m a lot better than I used to be. And I can see how the other people in the group behave sometimes, and I remember my dad, y’know, and I just know that having to deal with me must’ve fucking sucked, because I know it sucked for me having to deal with him and having to deal with these people.

“And I don’t like that you had to deal with me that way. It wasn’t fair to you guys. I feel a lot more at peace with myself. Like, I understand more about who I am and why.

“And I’m not … I wouldn’t say that I’m happy, you know? But I’m realizing just how unhappy I was before, and how I didn’t even realize it.

“And being angry is exhausting, man. I don’t know how I did it, it just drains you. I get now why I always felt exhausted and so done with everything.

“So yeah. I want to try and be a better friend for you guys. Someone that you actually enjoy hanging out with, and you don’t have to worry if I’m going to get you all in trouble or start a fight or break something. I want to be the friend that you deserve, because you guys have always been good to me, and you’ve put up with a hell of a lot from me.

“And I know, yeah, we’re friends and so we’re there for each other, but that doesn’t mean you should stick around when someone’s being a jerk, right? You shouldn’t let a friendship get toxic. And I don’t want that for us.

“So, yeah.” Preston could feel his face and neck heating up from embarrassment. “Just. Um. That,” he finished in a mumble.

Luke smiled at him and clapped him on the back. “Thanks. It really means a lot to all of us that you’re doing this. Not just for our sakes, but because we want you to be happy and to be all that you can be.

“You were always the life of the party in high school, and we miss that Preston. We know there’s a gentle side to you, and we just want to see it come out again. Because you deserve that, too.

“We didn’t have to put up with you. We chose to do that. But you don’t have a choice. You have to live with yourself. And living with who you were can’t have been fun.”

“It wasn’t,” Preston admitted. “I like myself a lot better now.”

Luke smiled at him, and then they all focused back in on the poker game.

It wasn’t until now, playing with everyone, that he realized how bad he’d been before. How many petty arguments over things like betting he’d gotten into with Travis, or how much posturing and aggressive bluffing he’d done.

There was a relaxed atmosphere to the game that he hadn’t even known was missing. And now that it was there, he couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed the lack of it before. It felt so obvious—and it must have been obvious to the others.

But nobody had ever said anything. They’d just put up with it.

Maybe that was on them, a little, for not calling him out sooner. But Preston couldn’t put the responsibility for his own behavior onto other people.

That was something that Brad had talked about in one session: how no matter how awful your childhood, was or your ex was, or whatever, only you were in control of your behavior. So blaming bad, aggressive behavior on someone else didn’t really work when you were a grown-ass adult who should know better.

And if they’d called him out on it, would he really have listened to them? Or would he just have pushed back, been aggressive, and turned it into even more of a fight? Closed his ears to the things they were saying?

As much as he’d hated it at the time … Preston had to admit that maybe Luke throwing him out of the bar and sticking him in that damn anger management class was the best thing that could have happened.

He joked with Travis, laughed at Jake’s sarcasm, got into a betting war with Matthew, and conspired with Hank to clean Luke out. It was fun, more fun than poker nights had been in ages.

It was because of him, he knew it.

Even if he’d still hated the anger management classes, that night would’ve convinced him to keep going with them. Because anything was worth it, to see the way that his friends relaxed around him when they felt how different he was. How the tension that he’d gotten so used to carrying around was now gone from him.

Hopefully, he’d be able to maintain that attitude when he was out in public. Out at Joe’s.

And hopefully, he’d be able to work something out with Brad.