CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Left to my bath, I closed the door. Steam condensed on the mirror and humid air hung thick in the small space, yet immersing myself did little to warm me. For months, life had swept me along in its cruel current. Despite finding the shore, I still felt as though I was sinking. What was I to do now?
I rinsed the last of the pond water from my hair, brushed my teeth for the third time, and wrapped myself in one of the oversized towels. Dimly lit beneath the glow of bedside lanterns and with the Dens quiet in the dead of night, the silence of my bed chamber echoed back at me.
“And how are ye feeling now?” Samuel asked, propped in one of the club chairs in the sitting area. He looked anything but peaceful. He looked ready to explode. “Ye all right?”
I accepted the mug of hot cocoa he offered and sat in the chair opposite him. Curling my feet beneath me, I readied for his fury to unfurl. “As well as you might expect.”
Samuel shifted forward, leaning his elbows on his knees. At some point, since he’d left me with Galan, he’d showered and put on another pair of flannel pajama pants. I wondered if he had been able to warm up any better than I.
I eased the mug from my lips and blew across the surface, the chocolate ambrosia yet too hot. “I am mated to a monster. In a few days, mayhap a week, I shall stand in front of the Fates and they will declare me Abaddon’s female. I shall never know the love of a gentlemale or raise a family. I must needs come to terms with that.”
“So, ye’ve given up, have ye?”
“To face what I must is logic, not despair.”
Samuel scrubbed the back of his neck looking rabid. “Right. Of course. Your life is forfeit because a madman drugged ye and pinned ye down, is that it? Why am I bustin’ my balls combing through Highborne laws if yer gonna throw up yer hands before we stand before the Fates? We’ve got some bite to our objections, ye know? We could win this.”
“Facts cannot be argued.”
“Luv, I’m a Celt—anything can be argued.” Sliding to the floor before me, he placed his hands on my bare knees and squeezed. “Abaddon will never get near ye again. I swear it. I’ll fight the Fates ‘til I’m blue in the face and come back for more with my wand if need be. I’ll protect ye with my life.”
The truth vibrated in his words and I loved him for it. That thought stabbed a sharp pain through my chest. Yes, I loved him but it changed nothing. “You are a true friend and a valiant guardian, Samuel, but I made a promise to Castian and cannot stand as Queen of the Realm of the Fair if I hide behind my warrior protector.”
“Friend,” he said, a violent edge to his voice. “There’s that feckin’ word again.”
“Yes, there it is.” I hated that it was all we could ever be, but the reality was what it was. “At least now I understand why I am such a pariah to males. When no one would dance with me at Tham’s life celebration, I was saddened. That not one male inquired about courting me since my coming of age was hurtful. But when you kissed me and regretted your mistake despite our obvious attraction, it cut me to my depths. Knowing the truth is a relief.”
Samuel’s opal eyes swirled with emotion. “You think I dinnae want ye?”
“You told me as much. Now I understand why. You saw what was done to me. As a male of worth, you tend to me as you would any innocent in your charge. It was me who mistook your attentions for more.”
He slid the mug from my hand and set it on the small table beside my chair. With my wrist still in his grasp, he shoved my hand down and against the front of his pants. His erection kicked as my hand pressed against its length.
Samuel’s gaze locked on mine. “I’ll argue with ye on that. Yer perfect to me, inside and out. What Abaddon did does nae affect my feelings in the slightest. And they are feelings, Lia—not duty, not guilt and not friendship.”
I pulled my hand back to my lap. “You are kind. The truth remains, I am bound to Abaddon.” The intensity in his eyes was too much to bear and broke from his gaze. “I am ruined.”
Samuel leaned over me, gripping both arms of my chair. “Dinnae say such a foul thing again or I’ll tan yer sweet bum rosy. Yer not ruined. Yer as vital and whole as any woman I ever laid eyes on.”
I laughed. “Now I know you flatter me.”
“Listen to me, Lia, and use that Highborne gift of yours to smell the truth of my words. I’ve wanted ye every night I spent in here. In bed, I fought not pull ye beneath me. Ye fill my dreams. Ye consume my waking mind. I want ye every way a man could take a woman. On yer back pressing you into the sheets. On yer knees with me driving home from behind. I want my mouth on yer core lapping at ye until ye shatter into a million pieces. I want ye beyond all reason.”
“Yet you refused me without reason when I asked you to be my consort and become intimate.”
“It was nae right.”
I swallowed, a languid warmth awakening inside me. “Was it right to make me feel unwanted and invisible?”
“How could ye think yerself invisible, duck? Yer all I’ve seen since we started up together. Even before my sight came back to me.”
Samuel lifted me from the chair and pulled me into his lap. “With the panic attacks and the headaches, I realized ye weren’t hidin the truth like I thought at first. The drugs had either left ye with no memory or ye’d blocked it out. It was a hateful act and it was nae right to allow anything physical to happen between us when ye dinnae know the truth.”
Heat burned to the tips of my ears. “Do you not think I my opinion matters? Knowing you cared for me would have been good. I needed it. I am capable of deciding what I want and you, my brother and the rest of the males of Haven need to remember that, Mr. Murray!”
His ebony brows lifted as the corners of his mouth twitched. “Well, dinnae stop there, Miss Caleblasse. Tell me what ye want.” His opal eyes sparkled and made my heart beat faster. Gods he was a lovely, virile male.
“Do you truly wish to hear it?”
He laughed darkly. “I wait with bated breath.”
“And will you listen? Listen and hear me?”
“Ye’ve got my undivided attention.”
It struck me suddenly that he was teasing, flirting. He had feelings for me and had finally admitted it. How easy it would be to crawl into his lap and let him ease my suffering. To tell him I loved him and wanted to erase the images of Abaddon in my mind. To replace them with new experiences and new memories. But if I was to be Queen, a true and strong leader, I needed to learn to stand on my own.
“Verily, I want control of my life. Going forward, I shall make my own choices and no males shall ease my way or keep things from me. I want a say in what happens in my trial, in my future and in my personal affairs.”
I leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss.
If Samuel was surprised I kissed him, he showed no sign. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed and his attention remained locked. “And what do ye want regarding yer personal affairs, Luv?”
Everything you mentioned. “In truth, and I cannot believe I am saying this, I want you to return to your chamber and leave me to find my own way. Give me a few days to figure out my own mind. In the meantime, make arrangements for me to start acting as heir to the throne. Castian said you would know what to do?”
He nodded. “Aye, I do. Three days, Luv, and then we’ll see where we stand.”
I nodded. “Three days.”
***
Scattered moments of sleep filled the hours until dawn. For the first time in almost ten months, nightmares had nothing to do with my restlessness. Excitement kept my mind awhirl while my determination solidified. I was stronger than people gave me credit for. I was stronger than even I gave me credit for. And the understanding of that, coming so late in the day, left me racing to catch up with my life.
I had three days to build the foundation of who I was and what I wanted. Abaddon might have mated an innocent girl and thought to use her in his plans but he would learn the truth of his error soon enough. I may be his mate but I would never be his pawn.
I strode to first repast and the clink of cutlery to plates and male bravado silenced. The table was full. A dozen Weres plus the cubs, Mika, Grandfather, Aust, Tham and Gemma. Samuel was not there. In my heart, I recognized his absence as him giving me the space I asked for.
The males stood when I joined them.
“Sit, please.” Awkward gazes danced across the golden stone walls as they retook their seats. “Yes, well, let us air things out, shall we? Last evening, I had a lapse. I am indeed mated to a monster. Now, I have three days to pull my life into focus. Pity is of no use to me but I would appreciate your understanding and you aiding me where you can.”
“Anything you need,” Bruin said. He stalked over and pulled me into his embrace. The strength of his hug squeezed the breath from my lungs. “Everyone in this room has been kicked in the nuts by the Scourge. We get it. Whatever you need, sista, you just ask.”
“Gratitude,” I reached up and kissed Bruin’s cheek. “After we eat, I would like to speak with you, Grandfather Hawk, if you have the time?”
Mika’s grandfather bowed his head, his silver braid falling forward. “My time is yours, young one. However long you need me.”
With that, I made my plate and smiled as the table burst back to life.
My morning with Grandfather Hawk proved to be even more grounding than I hoped. The wisdom of the male and his serene outlook on life helped me sort out the majority of my conflicting emotions.
We walked the ledge, sat in the meditation garden, gave thanks for the rebirth of spring and the coming strength of summer. We talked about my life, old and new, the males who loved and protected me, and who I needed to become to survive a future with Abaddon.
If he thought I would succumb as his mate and live in one of his compounds of evil, he had a rude awakening in store. Soon, I would be the freakin’ Queen of the Realm. I would decide where and how I lived.
When Grandfather tired, I walked him to the entrance and then wound back along the path to the gazebo on the far side of the mountain. Sitting alone in the afternoon sun, I soaked in the warmth of the sun’s rays and thought about Galan and my sire, about my Highborne and Haven families, about my emotional and sexual awakenings and about who I was and who I wanted to be.
“Hey there,” Bree said, her smile tentative. She carried a small tray with salmon, grilled vegetables and two brown bottles. “Mind if I interrupt?”
“No. Please.” I gestured to the bench beside me and accepted the tray. With the scent of grilled fish fresh in the air, my stomach growled. “Is it evening repast already?”
“Well past, actually. I thought you might be hungry.”
“Famished,” I said, picking up the cutlery. “Gratitude. I failed to realize that the day had slipped away.”
“Contemplating life can do that.” Her gaze flashed gold as she spoke, a sign that her Coyote self was close to the surface. “I want you to know that what Bruin said is true. Every one of us at Haven have lived through the violence of the Scourge. Rape. Murder. Torture. I’m not comparing our injuries to yours, because everyone has the right to mourn what was done to them, but just know that the darkest hours will pass.”
I nodded. “That is, indeed, good to hear.”
We sat in companionable silence for a long while. I ate my meal and she drank from one of the two bottles. She watched the sky redden to a brilliant champagne color but I wondered what she was actually seeing.
When I finished eating, I sipped my cooler and decided there had been enough contemplation of sorrows. “Bree, I know what I want to do next but need you and Mika to come to my chamber to aid me.”
Bree brightened and upended her bottle. “Sure. What’s up? What do you want us to do?”
“I want to make some cards.”