I knocked on the door as breathing became difficult, each second heightening the tension in the air. My feet begged me to run while my mind negated the action. It was now or never. I chose now.
Something caught my eye while I waited. On the newly-redone porch, two glimmers of copper caught my eye. There was no doubt I looked like an idiot as I sank down to my hands and knees with my face three inches above the ground. My fingers traced over the two pennies pushed into the once-wet cement. The porch light illuminated the detailed etching that reflected a four-digit number. One conveyed Adam’s birth year and the other his grandfather’s, the man who’d built the house. The gesture hit home a little closer to me as I thought of the letter I’d read. Two cents. Madelyn.
That is my two cents. Whatever you do, don’t make it complicated. You’ll know when the time comes how to implement that advice into your life.
It was my sign.
Don’t worry, Mads. I’m not gonna fuck it up again.
Reality reined me back in with the sound of massive waves crashing on the beach in the background, wind whistling through the air. I shivered and stood up, pulling my hands inside the cuffs on my coat. My fingertips were both numb and thrumming with adrenaline. I knocked louder, this time with the heel of my hand.
About a minute later, the door opened, the room dark. Adam’s hair was damp and disheveled as he squinted at the brightly-lit porch. A pair of gray sweatpants hung low on his hips, drawing my attention to his shirtless torso.
“Hi.” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other.
His shoulders slumped in defeat. “What do you want? It’s almost midnight.”
The right words continued to fail me. “Hi.”
You said ‘hi’ twice? Really, Blue? That’s the best you could come up with?
“I think you already established that.” His expression turned from questioning to irritated as he started to shut the door a few inches. “Well, this was fun, but I’m sure Cash is waiting with his cobweb treatment—”
“Help me.” A lump formed in my throat while I tried to speak, my cold fingers aching to touch him. I kept my fists inside my sleeves to keep temptation at bay. Being in his presence felt as necessary as breathing. My face burned and my pulse pounded with the memory of last time he’d kissed me. It’d been so long.
“Help you what?” He crossed his arms and leaned against the frame of the doorway.
Holding back was no longer possible. The dam of emotions I’d reserved for Adam was finally bursting as tears flowed down my cheeks. My tone was timid while my heart swelled up into my throat. “Help me remember what I’ve fought so hard to forget?”
“Go home and get some rest, Blue. You’re drunk.”
“I’m not.” I wiped my nose with my sleeve. “I swear.”
He studied me for what felt like eternity before opening the door farther, stepping back to allow me inside before he closed it behind us. “What do you want me to say?” he asked. With the click of a table lamp, the room brightened to a dim shade of buttermilk.
“I’m here,” I replied. “In Podunk Steele Falls.”
“So what?” Adam slammed his hand against the tiled surface of a baker’s rack near the front door, the table lamp jumping a few inches and its shade knocked off kilter. “Tell me!” he yelled. “What is so fucking terrible about being back in Steele Falls again. Family shit? The thing between Daveigh and Beanbag? Your mom being the frigid snow queen with an entire iceberg wedged up her ass? Or is it not about family? Maybe it’s because the fling with you and Zack didn’t work out?”
I fidgeted with the zipper on my jacket because I couldn’t bear to look at him. It hurt too much. “No. None of those.”
“Then what has you walking up to my door at midnight saying ‘hi’ twice while sounding like you should be awarded with a gold star for coming back?”
“It’s you.” I scrunched my eyes shut, hoping the tighter they were closed, the pain would lessen. It didn’t work.
“Me?” He paused. “Why?”
Expressing myself was harder than I expected. A fresh trail of emotion took hold. “You made me feel again.”
Adam let a laugh out through his nose and shook his head. “Well, I guess I’m the biggest asshole out of everyone around here then.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to say.”
“Then, spit it out already!”
“Listen. On Friday, I thought I was coming back for Tom’s funeral and to collect my part of the inheritance. But I was wrong. So fucking wrong. I was homesick,” I looked at the floor and drew a deep breath before looking up at him, “for you.”
He crossed his arms, his face giving me zero reaction.
“Don’t do that.” I stomped my foot.
“What?” he asked.
“That look. The poker face.”
His voice intensified. “Like the one you’ve been giving everyone else around here since you arrived?”
As if to balance the teeter totter, my voice took on a decrescendo. “You look like you’re disappointed. Like I’m the worst person on the planet.”
Silence.
And there was the truth without him having to say it. The simplicity of shaking his head back and forth slowly with a stoic expression said what he thought of me.
I didn’t know what to do, so I stood there and waited, feeling both raw and exposed. My walls were already crumbling into rubble. I didn’t know how to stop it if I wanted to. The quiet was a million shades of awkward and uncomfortable, but I deserved every painstaking moment.
Adam ran his fingers through his hair and stormed across the living room without a word.
“That’s it? You’re walking away from me?” I threw my arms up in the air.
“No, I’m not stooping to your level. But I feel like this conversation requires beer,” he replied.
“Great.” Some of the tension released from my shoulders. “I could use one.”
“Not for you. For me.”
“Didn’t you hear me, Adam? I have feelings for you. I’m still in love…”
He cringed and hesitated in the doorway to the kitchen before continuing. A few seconds later, the fridge door opened and then slammed shut before he thundered past me, a breeze in his wake and his hands empty.
“What now?” I asked.
He reappeared with a bottle of bourbon and a shot glass, slamming them both down on the coffee table. The smile on his face was fueled with disparagement and had nothing to do with humor. “You broke out the L-word. Beer isn’t strong enough for what I’ve got to say to you.”
I watched him unscrew the lid and pour of shot of golden brown liquid, filling the glass to the brim. “So, let’s talk about you and me, formerly known as ‘us’. I want to make sure I get this right. You’re still in love,” he downed it and frowned as he formed the last two words, “with me.”
“I know. It sounds crazy, but—”
“No. No, no.” He chuckled as he immediately poured another. “Crazy would be running out on a relationship when you’re supposedly in love. Crazy would be changing your phone number and not telling anyone where you’d gone. Crazy would be showing up two years later and acting like nothing happened! But you wouldn’t be an expert on any of that. Right?”
I took a deep breath. “I never meant—”
“Fuck. That.” He spat the words like venom before he took a swig directly from the bottle. “You’re telling me you accidentally penned me a one-lined note saying you were leaving, you slipped and put your foot on the accelerator to take off in your car, and you forgot your way back to Steele Falls because someone jacked your trail of breadcrumbs? I’m calling bullshit, Blue. Bull. Fucking. Shit. Christ, did you even look back when you hightailed it out of here?”
My voice went up an octave and I felt my chest heave. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
He poured another shot and left it on the table as he blinked quickly. “Well, take comfort in knowing you couldn’t break what was already broken.”
My eyes filled with fresh tears. Those words stung worse than any others he’d slung at me. Knowing I’d broken a promise I’d made to never hurt him destroyed me. And there I was, lumped with everyone else who’d betrayed him. No number of apologies was going to cut it.
“Were you trying to make me jealous? This whole thing with Zack? And Cash? I don’t get it.” He made a circular gesture with his middle finger. “It’s like you’re a revolving door of dipshits. Why are you here again? Do I fit the dipshit bill? Maybe I didn’t get the memo.”
“But I’m not. A revolving door, I mean.”
He screwed the lid on the bottle of bourbon. “The truth will hunt you down, Blue. Sooner or later.”
I looked up at the ceiling and let my head loll to the right with a groan. “I already told you, the thing with Cash was a mistake. A big, massive, stupid, stupid, meaningless fuck up of a mistake. And you probably wouldn’t believe what happened with him if I told you. The thing with Zack…wasn’t even a thing. I don’t know how it snowballed, but I wasn’t interested in him from day one.”
“Well, bravo. You did a damn good job of putting on a show for Steele Falls then. If you want me to lie, sugar-coat the past, and tell you everything’s okay, you’ve come to the wrong place. That’s all we seem to do. The wrong place at the wrong time. Just like when…”
“Just like what?”
He tightened his lips. “When you stopped caring.”
“You think…” I clenched my jaw. “If I stopped caring…” With shaking hands, I yanked the zipper on my tote bag open, pulling items out by the fistful and stacking them on the table. “For fuck’s sake. Why don’t I ever clean this thing out?” By then, I was rummaging elbows-deep with both hands.
Adam stood up with an annoyed look on his face. “Are you done yet?”
“Hold on.” I shot him a glare. My wallet, keys, and lip balm were all on display, quickly followed by a package of tissues and my cell phone. “Damn it,” I muttered, dumping the entire bag upside down. Coins made a tinking sound on the tabletop before they rolled off and onto the floor. Sunglasses. Pens. Pocketknife. The mints from the redheaded chick at The Fill & Spill. A tampon. And then I finally saw it. A small, violet embroidered pouch was the last item to fall onto the pile. “Aha!”
Adam rubbed his face with his hands. “Purple’s not really my color.”
“Calm down for a sec.” I picked it up and unfastened the snap, dumping small pieces of metal into my hand, held together by a dainty silver chain. With one finger, I spread them out until they were all face up.
The smug look slid off Adam’s face when he looked down at my hand.
“If I didn’t care,” I paused, “then why the hell would I still be carrying these around?”
A tear fell from my face, exploding when it hit the bracelet resting against my palm.
The shiny puzzle pieces glinted under the light. Adam had given me one charm for each month we’d been together. I’d worn the piece of jewelry religiously during the course of our relationship. When I left Steele Falls, I’d taken it off, burying the memory deep into a small bag in my purse. Throwing it away would’ve broken my heart, and I knew I wasn’t ready to part with the memory. Looking back, I’d never let go.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Adam fought to regain his composure. “It’s late and you’re here, trying to what? Resurrect memories from two years ago? I don’t buy it.”
“What’s not to buy?” A new lump formed in my throat.
“If what we had,” he motioned between our bodies with his index finger, “meant what you say it did, you’d have never left in the first place.”
I growled. “I hate…”
“Say it!” He paced the room twice and stopped to brace both sides of the splintered doorway tight. “Does it feel good to hate me? To not even be able to look in my damn eyes for more than a few seconds after what you did? Once upon a time, you used to be my ending. Instead, you ended me, Blue Brennan.”
“I thought I made it clear with my declaration when I got here, but maybe you didn’t hear me! I don’t hate you. I hate this. This situation. And I ended you? You said I couldn’t break what was already broken!”
“Yeah, well you’re not the only one who can lie to yourself,” he muttered before downing the full glass on the table.
“I’m done with all that. Like you said, the truth found me.” I sank down into a chair. The clock on the wall ticked endlessly before I had the courage to bring up the next topic. “You went to talk to her…to see Madelyn.” I grimaced. It was the first time I’d said her full name out loud since I’d left two years ago. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“At the time, I figured it’d have made things worse.” He shrugged. “Then, you left, so it didn’t matter. Looking back, none of it mattered.”
“How can you say that?”
“How can I not?” he asked matter-of-factly. “You weren’t here for her funeral. You weren’t here to see her ashes scattered, and I’m willing to bet money you don’t know where they were spread. You didn’t have to see her parents in town, red-eyed and sobbing, clinging to each other like the other would fall down at a moment’s notice. You were a fixture in their lives too, and you disappeared. Just like that.” He snapped his fingers. “They were forced to mourn the loss of two children, all at once.”
I took the scolding. “I know,” I said.
“No, I don’t think you do,” he continued.
“Don’t what?”
“Know what kind of impact you had around here. Until you, I didn’t believe in me. And that had to change when you took off. Everyone you left in your wake had to adapt.”
“Adapt? You want to talk about change?” My lips trembled. “I left behind everything I knew, including my heart. Went somewhere foreign and uncomfortable. Surrounded myself with a job and a boss and an apartment I hated.” I wiped my eyes. “My best friend died two years ago, and until tonight I thought it was my fault. I was sure she killed herself, ended her life because of me. That’s heavy, inescapable weight to carry around. For that, I deserved to suffer, so I destroyed the one incredible, amazing, and important thing I had in my life…before I lost him too. Figured it’d hurt less if I ended it first, but I was wrong. I was scared, Adam. Fucking terrified. Don’t you get that?” My shoulders slumped. “Look at me! I lost everything, including myself.”
Adam sat down on the couch and didn’t speak.
The tears were unstoppable. “I’m telling you how I feel, damn it. Opening up for the first time since I left, to the only person I want to, and all I get is a blank stare?”
“This is the first real talk we’ve had in two years. It doesn’t make sense. You’ve been slammed shut like Fort Knox. What’s the sudden change?”
The conversation was more difficult to endure than I thought it’d be, and it lived up to being one of the toughest of my life. With defeat coursing through me, I uttered one simple word. “You.”
He nodded slowly twice, his face giving me no indication of what ran through his mind. The thorny silence was unbearable. At least when we fought, I knew what he was thinking.
“Maybe coming here was a mistake, and I should leave. Sorry to have bothered you.”
Adam watched me stand up and grab my bag, scooping my belongings into it with my forearm before heading for the exit. The door handle was cold as I gripped it and turned. While I yanked back, there was a jolt of resistance as Adam’s palm slammed it shut again.
“What?” I looked up at him. “Do you want to reprimand me some more?”
“Stop.”
“Do you want to make me feel even worse than I already do? Go ‘head.” My eyes welled. “Take your best shot. It should be easy.”
He looked down at me with caramel-colored eyes, his face close enough to where I could hear his breathing and smell the strong scent of bourbon on his breath. There was honesty and sincerity behind his voice. “You’re my hurricane, and you’ve caused nothing but devastation. You don’t understand what it’s like to fall for you. ‘Fucking terrified’ summed it up best. I’m scared to want you, to love and lose you all over again.” He cleared his throat. “That’s why I have to say goodbye.”
Hearing those seven words felt like seven bullets exploding in my chest, annihilating my heart in one final and deadly blow. It was too late. I was too late. Too late to touch him. Too late to kiss him. Too late to cradle his heart and too late to help heal his pain. All of it was impossible because of me.
He reached for the doorknob. I’d lost the fight. Even after I put it all out there in front of him, he’d made up his mind. I wanted to keep trying to convince him otherwise, but I couldn’t. It was time for me to let go of Adam Rockwell—for good. With my heart full of melancholy and justifiable ache, I waited to for the door to open, cuing my exit.
But nothing happened.
The switch on the handle clicked as he secured the lock. “I have to say goodbye,” he repeated, “to the fear and take a risk. Do you still want my help?”
I blinked and furrowed my brow in confusion.
His hand was firm on my shoulder, giving me a familiar sense of security as he turned me around. Adam tilted my chin upward with his thumb and index finger. Lethal calmness resided behind his eyes. “When you got here, you asked me a question. Do you still want me to help you remember what you’ve tried to forget?”
My pulse answered for me while my fingers reached up to trace the shape of his face.
“What are you doing?” His voice was husky.
“Trying to make every minute with you last longer,” I whispered.
“Damn it.” He closed his eyes. “If you’re not sure about this, one hundred percent, tell me to stop. Right now. I can’t…”
“Don’t stop,” I replied. This time I said the two words, it was different than when I said them to Cash. They were spoken in a single sentence, with absolution and without reluctance.
“What would you say if I tried to kiss you right now?” He leaned down, his lips hovering above mine, teasing before they pulled back slightly.
My heart pounded in anticipation. “Nothing.”
“Nothing? Not a word?”
“I wouldn’t be able to say anything because I’d be too busy kissing you back.”
I heard the deadbolt lock as he trailed his other hand up my arm, his fingertips tugging at the elastic collar of my shirt as he moved behind me. “Do you remember how I used to start out by kissing you here?” His lips nuzzled my shoulder, making their way up to my collarbone and back down again. There wasn’t a sense of urgency. It was like every inch of flesh needed his attention and we had eternity. “And the way my hands used to twist your hair up tight, so I could graze your neck with my lips.” He followed suit with the motion, tugging my wavy curls gently to the right, giving him better access while he ran the tip of his tongue along my skin until he greeted my ear lobe.
I closed my eyes and leaned back into him, my pulse quickening and a flurry of goosebumps exploding down my arms. Like a drug, I was addicted to his touch. All it took was one hit and I’d fallen back under his spell.
“And do you recall how—”
I spun around and pushed myself up onto my toes, wrapping my arms around his neck, my face inches from his. “I think I’m starting to remember.”
Urgency triumphed. His mouth crashed down on mine like two magnets connecting undeniably. The kiss deepened and I fell into his embrace, skimming my fingertips down his chest as his hands slid around the small of my back with his fingers splayed wide. The heat and pressure of his body caused me to shudder. My tote bag dropped to the floor, forgotten.
He rested his forehead against mine. “I’ve been just as lost as you…until Saturday night when you walked through the doors of The Fill & Spill.” With the coy smile I remembered so well and a gaze that never left mine, Adam grabbed my hands in his and led me across the kitchen floor, through the doorway of the living room, and toward the bedroom.
Darkness prevailed with the exception of moonlight shining through the floor-to-ceiling panels of glass. Everything was tinted in deep shades of grays and blues from the shadows, but there was still enough light to see the hunger behind Adam’s eyes.
“I’ve waited so long for this.” The strong, hardness of his lips on mine was unexpected, almost possessive.
I moaned into him as my body responded by sending a tingle from my core that exploded throughout my chest. “Adam…” I whispered.
“Shhhh…” He looked into my eyes and reached down to lift my sweater over my head in one fluid motion. His eyes raked over my body, and I witnessed new contentment on his face. Adam took a step toward me and reached for my hands, lifting them to his mouth. He planted a gentle kiss on each of my knuckles before teasing his fingers up my arms, across my shoulders, and between the valley of my breasts. The pads of his thumbs and his palms slowed as they caressed over the pebbled peaks through my bra.
My breath hitched through parted lips, need roiling through me. I wanted to beg him to hurry. Yet, I also never wanted the moment to end. With trembling fingers, I explored the solid muscles of his upper arms until my hands met the abrasive stubble on his face, and I leaned up to kiss him again.
Our mouths met with savage intensity, my knees weakening when I granted his tongue access. The desire burning between us was a scorching heat that could fuse metal. Adam’s arms tightened around me in a raw act of control as he fumbled with the clasp on the back of my bra, the cool air swirling around my breasts as it hit the floor.
My sky-high walls had been destroyed, and my defenses demolished by the intensity of his next kiss while the rest of the world disappeared. My actions were as forceful and eager as I hooked my index fingers over the waistband of his sweat pants. “Off.” I panted. Two years of pent up sexual frustration were trying to explode from me all at once.
“Patience,” he replied. As if I weighed nothing, Adam lifted me up and carried me over to the bed, letting me fall a few inches onto the mattress. I yipped and let out a giggle before he settled on top of me, the moment turning serious again. Words weren’t necessary. He brushed my hair out of my face with one hand, his eyes locked on mine while his flattened palm inched its way down my stomach and beneath my jeans. Gentle fingertips stroked my lace underwear in slow, deliberate circles before he nudged the material to the side.
I arched my back against him as two fingers slid inside me. It’d been so long since I’d had sex, good sex that didn’t require a vibrator. It wouldn’t take me long, even with just his hand. A throaty moan slipped through my lips as his speed increased. “If you don’t slow down, the moment’s going to be over before it begins.”
“What’s your rush? We’ve got all night for an encore.” He nipped at my lower lip.
I drank in the fiery desire of his touch, left intoxicated as his lips trailed down my body toward my breasts. His mouth paid careful attention to nip and suck each marble-hard nipple before he continued to litter kisses toward my stomach.
I begged for more while lust crept through my veins.
Adam unbuttoned my jeans and I lifted my hips to assist him in helping pull them free, along with my underwear. He maintained eye contact and a slight grin, planting a kiss on my knee. Four more followed along my inner thigh as he bumped my legs apart with his nose, his eyes seeking permission.
“Please?” I tipped my head back against the pillow and gripped a fistful of sheets while his warm mouth greeted me with eager need. My body squirmed and arched at the force his tongue brought, my ability to speak in complete sentences absent. “Up here. Now. Please?” I gasped, desperately needing more.
“I’m not going to argue with a naked woman in my bed.” Adam wriggled free from his sweat pants, rubbing his nose along my body. “Promise me you won’t disappear in the middle of the night?”
The corners of my mouth lifted into a soft smile. “I promise. Wanna shake on it?”
“I think we’ve passed the handshake stage.” With a grin of his own, Adam’s mouth claimed mine again as my body fought to rise and meet his. His frame moved on top of mine, settling between my legs as I welcomed him.
Our bodies found a perfect tempo, as if no time had passed. Even with our flesh pressed together as one, I ached for more. Needed it. Wanted it. Craved it. Long, relinquishing whimpers escaped me while his hips rocked fast and hard against me, my back arching against the mattress. Adam’s hand gripped the headboard as I wound my legs around him. Our passion skyrocketed while our bodies threatened to ignite together.
“Adam!” I clenched my eyes shut, my thoughts fragmented. I was close.
“Let go, Blue. Surrender everything to me. Everything you’ve held back,” he breathed into my ear.
With command in his voice, it was enough to send me over the edge. Heat rippled under my skin. I cried out and shattered into a million, shimmering stars.
Like a domino effect, Adam followed suit and trailed my climax with one of his own. His body tensed, riding out his orgasm with a satisfied groan before settling next to me in the bed, his arms wound around me tight.
A sense of peace filled me, and I’d have been content if he never let go.
“Was I able to help you remember?” His fingertips trailed over my skin.
“Mmmhmmm.” I sighed dreamily with contented exhaustion. “All of it.”
That night would be remembered for many reasons, but one resonated above all others. Adam Rockwell may have filled a handful of moments with fiery, physical desire, but more importantly he managed to heal my irreparable, broken soul.