Chapter Sixteen
“‘A woman as excitable as a child, too afraid to leave her home, yet daring to lecture England on its proper management.’” Amanda snapped the paper she held straighter and angled it towards the light streaming through the window. The response from Lord Hanford had appeared in today’s paper, and Amanda was still fuming. She read more highlights to Lady Mary. “‘While her histrionics might suffice to send ill-informed women into a fit of the vapors, we must not let it sway the rest of society. A woman like Miss Wilcox is not to be encouraged with her nonsense. Should not be listened to. By lending such a woman your support, you do neither England, nor her person, any favors.’”
Lady Mary stabbed a needle through the pillowtop she worked on. “Hogwash. I can’t believe The Times let him have the entire second page for that. Men.” She shook her head. “They can never speak their minds in one sentence when a lengthy exposition is available.”
It wasn’t the length of Lord Hanford’s diatribe that bothered Amanda so much as its content, but she appreciated the woman’s indignation on her behalf. With Liz gone, and Julius nowhere to be seen the past two days, any friend was appreciated.
She rubbed the heel of her hand along her skirts. The personal attack had shocked her, but that wasn’t what had her worried. How had Lord Hanford known she didn’t leave the house? Her movements, or lack thereof, weren’t common knowledge. They had no mutual acquaintances.
She glanced at the older woman. “My Lady, do you spend much time visiting your friends here in London? Surely your position in this house must be dull, yet you have no guests come to pay a call. Have a cup of tea and chat. It was really most unfair of Marcus to ask you to be my companion.”
“Why is that, dear?”
Amanda spread her hands. “Because your charge doesn’t do anything. Go anywhere.” She swallowed. “Because I’m a recluse.” The breath shuddered from her lungs. She’d finally admitted it aloud. Julius and Liz knew it and now so did the rest of London.
She looked at the paper again. She seemed so pathetic. The woman too frightened of her own shadow to ever step into the sunlight.
What would the Ladies’ Society think of her now? At least they would understand why she couldn’t publicly debate Lord Hanford.
“It isn’t as though you are keeping me from a glittering social life,” Lady Mary said dryly. “And you aren’t the only one shunned from polite society.”
Amanda wrenched her gaze from the newspaper. The normally vapid expression on the older woman’s face had disappeared.
“Now don’t mistake me. I am in just the position I’d like to be in life, my dear.” Her chaperone tossed the needlepoint onto the settee cushion next to her. “I correspond with the close confidants that I do have, and the subject matter is much more thought-provoking than the typical parlor-room talk. And infinitely more entertaining than gossiping about your comings and goings. No offense intended.”
Reggie pawed at her knee, and Amanda let him jump into her lap. “No offense taken,” she said faintly. “But how did you know …?”
“That you were wondering how the marquess knew of your predicament? Based upon the timing of your inquiry into my social life, it was the logical conclusion.”
Amanda’s cheeks heated. She had shown a boorish lack of interest in the woman’s life, except as it pertained to Amanda’s own concerns. And she was beginning to realize that Marcus’s aunt was infinitely more compelling than the woman let on.
“Would you like a drink?” Lady Mary asked.
It seemed like the perfect time for a drink. Amanda reached behind her for the bell pull, but her chaperone waved her down. “Don’t bother the domestics. I can pour a bottle just as well as they.”
The older woman stood and sauntered to the sideboard. She uncapped a bottle of sherry and poured them each a full glass.
Amanda didn’t know how to phrase her next question. “Lady Mary, you aren’t quite as …”
“Addlepated as you’d thought?” She handed Amanda her drink. “I know, dear. And you aren’t as meek as you think, either.” She resettled herself on the settee and took a large swallow of sherry.
“But why do you act so distracted?”
“Have you ever wondered why I never married?” Lady Mary patted the settee, and Reggie abandoned Amanda’s lap and raced to the older woman. She pulled something small from her sleeve and fed it to the dog. “It was entirely by choice, I assure you. My father was quite a wealthy earl. His daughters were esteemed commodities.”
Amanda cocked her head. “Your father didn’t force the issue? Arrange a marriage?”
“He would have, had I left the matter up to him alone.” Lady Mary pinned Amanda with a look. “To most of society, status is all that matters. I learned very early on that what I thought or cared about was of little account to my father or the suitors he placed before me. Even my sister couldn’t understand my reluctance. Once she’d married Marcus’s father, she tried to throw me together with eligible gentleman. I swear, by the end, my family was hoping I’d be caught in an indelicate situation with a gentleman so we’d be forced to marry.”
“Then how did you remain unwed?” If an earl had wanted to marry his daughter off, her objections would have been of little account.
A small smile danced around the older woman’s lips. “A woman’s intelligence might not be a desirable trait to men, but her soundness of mind is. I learned to act in a manner that most gentlemen found unsuitable for the prospective mother of their sons. As my father never truly needed a marital alliance to improve his finances, he didn’t press the matter too greatly. Especially after my sister’s grand success in landing a duke. My father’s reputation could withstand a spinster daughter.”
“You don’t appear crazy.” Absent-minded and simple, yes. But Amanda had seen men marry much stupider and for much less incentive. “Not so as to scare men off an earl’s daughter.”
“You didn’t know me when I was of marriageable age.” She scratched Reggie under the chin. “I could put on quite a show,” she cooed to Reggie. “Yes, I could.” She straightened and resumed her normal voice. “I only tell you this because you’ve shown yourself as a woman with a brain in her head. Your letters to the editor are quite astute. And I don’t want you to be too hard on yourself, no matter what Lord Hanford says. We all have our ways of coping, dear. My father, bless his soul, thought all women were good for was to be wives and mothers. I rebelled by being so foolish that no man wanted me. I thumbed my nose at his narrow-minded view of women by remaining happily unwed.”
Lady Mary took a sip of her sherry. “And, of course, by taking many lovers.”
Amanda swallowed her sherry down the wrong pipe, and her body went into paroxysms of coughing.
“Are you all right, dear?” Lady Mary gave her a smile of old, vapid and sweet, and Amanda coughed harder. She nodded and held up a hand, asking for time to recover.
When her body calmed, she sagged back into her seat. Her new brother-in-law’s choice in chaperone was shockingly subversive. And absolutely marvelous. She wondered how much Marcus knew about his aunt. He was a man who didn’t seem to miss much. But who would suspect the spinster had a hidden life?
Amanda carefully took another sip of sherry.
“I haven’t seen your Lord Rothchild for a while.” Lady Mary picked up her needlepoint. “Has he left our company?”
“No.” Julius wouldn’t leave without telling Amanda. She was nearly certain. “He is kept busy with his duties in Parliament.”
“Will he champion your cause in the House of Lords?”
Amanda rolled her glass between her hands. “I don’t know.” Julius was busy with his own cause. He agreed with her stance, and if the reform law came up again, she was sure he would vote yea. But his duty lay in his intelligence work. She chewed on her lower lip. Julius was investigating Lord Hanford. Would he have told the man of her fears? She didn’t want to believe it, but Julius was a determined man. If it would help to insinuate himself with Hanford …
Her heart squeezed. It shouldn’t matter whether Julius had spoken of her to Hanford or not. They had made no promises. Had made no pledges to the other.
But it did matter.
She stood. “I’m going to retire early. I’m not feeling well.”
Lady Mary blinked. “Before dinner?”
“I’m not hungry.” And she had a roll and some fruit in her room for a private meal. She paused at the doorway. “Thank you. For sharing your true self with me. I’m glad you trusted me.”
“Of course, dear. Feel better.” She looked up from her stitches. “Oh, and as a word of caution, my room is adjacent to yours, yet down the hall from Lord Rothchild’s. The wall between your room and mine isn’t as thick as one could hope.”
Amanda pressed a hand to her throat. “Lord Rothchild’s room from now on,” she promised and made her escape.
Reggie stayed with Lady Mary and her sleeve full of treats.
Shutting herself in her room, Amanda strode to the window and flicked the edge of the curtain up. The sun was just beginning to set, and Julius still wasn’t home.
She dropped the curtain in disgust. This townhouse wasn’t his home. She could have no expectation that he would return to her each night. That he would care that she worried about his disappearances. She paced between the window and the empty fireplace. She had told him she expected nothing more than a few educational and diverting nights, a safe place to explore her limitations. She needed to honor that promise. Julius was nothing more to her than a restorative aid.
She flopped face first on the bed. She was the biggest liar in England. She may have intended for Julius to be nothing more than a means to an end, but he hadn’t remained such. The thought of him walking away when Marcus and Liz returned …
She drew her knees up and hugged her pillow. The thought of that physically hurt. In such a short time, Julius had come to mean the world to her. That he could discard her so easily was not to be borne.
She pushed up to sitting. But would he discard her? Perhaps, while he’d been working his way into her heart, she might have done likewise? Circumstances changed. Just because Julius had once said he could give her nothing more than his nights, that didn’t mean he still felt the same.
Lady Mary had shown courage by telling Amanda who she really was. Amanda could do no less. She needed to tell Julius her desires had changed.
Marching from her room, she ensconced herself in the wide chair in front of his fireplace and waited.
And waited.
She jerked awake when an unfamiliar step fell in the hallway outside Julius’s door.
Amanda jumped from the chair and raced to his bed. She untied one of the tester curtains, covering her side of the bed, just as the door opened. Frozen like a stag before a hunter, Amanda listened as the floorboards creaked. It definitely wasn’t Julius. She would recognize his step. His breathing. The man on the other side of the curtain was a stranger.
Something dropped to the floor. There was a whoosh, a hiss, and Amanda recognized the sound of a fire crackling to life. She dropped her head. It was just a servant getting the room warmed. No one was after her.
The door snicked shut, and Amanda peered around the curtain. All clear. She clambered off the bed. The heat from the fire leeched through her clothes, and she stepped closer to the flames. With the room warming up, there was no reason she couldn’t greet Julius in a more seductive manner. If she was to convince him of a future with her as his mistress, it was best to showcase all that she had to offer.
Without his aid to dress that morning, she was back to wearing a shapeless gown that buttoned down the front. It was easily shed. She removed her slippers and stockings and contemplated her chemise.
Leave it on and retain some modesty? Or greet him as a new-born babe enters the world? She drew the thin cotton over her head. She would be baring her soul to Julius tonight. Might as well do it while baring her body.
She picked up her clothes, folding them neatly, and placing them on the bench at the foot of the bed. The slippers went underneath. She tied the bed’s curtain back up and climbed onto the mattress, lying back on the crushed velvet coverlet.
She turned one way, and tried to picture what Julius would see when he walked through the door. She twisted the other way, shifting her knee. Perhaps totally nude was a mistake.
She thought of Lady Mary with all her lovers and girded her courage. She could be a seductress, too, damn it. Finding a position she liked, she rested her head on her arm and waited. She would not fall asleep again.
She blinked awake to find Julius standing beside the bed, gazing down at her. She rubbed her face. “Julius. When did you get back?”
“Just now.”
“What time is it?”
“After midnight.” Julius picked up a lock of her hair and rubbed it between his fingers. “You should go back to sleep.”
Remembering all the mornings she’d woken up alone, she asked, her voice tart, “But then where would you sleep?”
His eyebrows drew together. “What?”
“Never mind it.” Amanda shook off her irritation. His leaving before dawn only bothered her because she didn’t know if it meant anything deeper – that he didn’t want to stay. With her. She took a deep breath. Pushing to her hands and knees, she crawled to the edge of the bed. “I missed you. You’ve been gone awhile.”
“Yes.”
Amanda pursed her lips. That was all the explanation she’d get?
Julius held himself rigidly. Fatigue had etched itself around his eyes. She bit her lip. He didn’t need an interrogation. She ran her hands up his chest and untied his cravat. She drew it off, and the scent of stale whiskey wafted across her nose.
“Would you like some tea?” she asked, forcing herself not to shrink away. But there was something different about Julius that night. The smell, the hard look in his eyes, reminded her of her father. Which was foolish. The men were without compare.
“I don’t need tea.” He grabbed her hands before she could push his coat from his shoulders.
She tried to find the answer in his expression, but it eluded her. She had to ask. “What do you need?”
“I’ve had a bad couple of days, mouse.” He traced the line of her throat with his finger. “I need to fuck. Hard. So hard I can forget, just for a little while.” His tongue followed the path of his finger. “I need to hear you scream my name. Feel your tight little body squeezing around me.”
Amanda shuddered. Each filthy word that fell from his lips brought more heat than the fire. His lips found her nipple and pulled. She arched her back, grateful for the arm he wrapped around her waist, giving her support. She moaned in protest when he raised his head.
“And tonight, I need you to tie me to the bed.” His voice was hoarse and unsteady.
Amanda straightened and saw the desperation in his eyes. “But …”
“I need to conquer my fears. And you’re going to help me.” Julius stepped back and pulled his japanned chest from the bedside table. He pulled out various lengths of rope and laid them on the bed.
Amanda picked one up while he stripped. The hemp felt heavy in her hands. Rougher than she remembered against her own skin. She’d wanted the chance to control their encounters. The chance to own his body as he did hers. And maybe, when he was unable to flee, she’d find the courage to open her heart to him. All good things.
But something about this felt wrong.
“Are you certain?”
He flashed her the same smile he’d given Madame Sable, all careless charm. It chilled her to the bone. “Why not? It’s just a little rope. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”
He climbed on the bed and lay on his back. The cords of his neck flexed as he watched her pick up a second rope.
“Yes,” she said slowly. “But when we’re in bed together we’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves. Notwithstanding torture. Why would you want to put yourself through it?”
“Not all of us are content to let our fears control us.”
Amanda snapped her head back, as though slapped. The ropes fell from her hand.
Julius cupped her thigh. “I didn’t mean it like that. Just … I want to do this.” He gave her that smile again. Even though Amanda saw through it, it still had the power to soften her. “And trust me, if you are touching me, I will be enjoying myself immensely.”
That Amanda could understand. She crawled up his body and straddled his waist. She rested her hands on his chest. His heartbeat leapt beneath her touch. “That is all very well and good, but you haven’t considered one problem.”
“What’s that?”
She bent down, touching the tip of his nose with her own. “I don’t know how to tie your knots.”
She kissed the corner of his mouth as he pondered that. The patterns he created on her body with his rope were works of art. She wasn’t quite sure what he expected from her.
One of his hands fell to her hip as he rocked his pelvis into hers. She broke off the kiss and dropped her forehead to his shoulder.
“Take one of the shorter ropes,” he told her. She picked it up. “Make a loop and wrap it around my wrist.” He waited for her to comply. “Then thread the end through the loop and pull it tight.”
The rope slid taut around his wrist. A fine sheen of sweat broke out across his brow, and Amanda hesitated.
“Tie the end to the headboard.” His voice was encouraging even as a tremor ran through it. He tugged lightly at the bond. “Good. Now the other hand.”
She picked up the rope. His whole body tensed between her thighs. Julius gritted his teeth, and a little piece of Amanda’s heart broke away. He was so willing to face his fears. She was surrounded by strong, courageous people. And inspiring. Rubbing a soothing circle on his chest, Amanda felt her own fears slipping away. She was ready to tell him how she felt.
But this wasn’t the time for him to hear it. If he didn’t reciprocate, it would only add pressure when his nerves were worn thin. After he experimented with the rope. Then she’d tell him.
Right now, she needed to make this experience as good for him as possible. She looped the rope around his other wrist but made no move to attach the end to the headboard. Instead, she slid down his body, kissing a new spot on his chest and stomach every inch she lowered.
The muscles of his stomach tensed beneath her lips, and she hoped it was from an entirely different cause than the rope. Her hair trailed over his skin. It brushed over his hardening length, and Julius groaned. So, she did it again.
“Jesus. Have I ever told you how much I love your hair?” he asked.
Amanda shook her head and blew a light stream of air across his crown. She liked hearing the word ‘love’ come from his mouth. Hopefully she’d hear it again that night. A bead of moisture pooled at the tip of his cock, and she licked him dry. Gripping his base, she slowly ran her fist up and down. “Do you still have that oil in your chest?”
“Yes. I bought more since we began our affair. I’d almost used it all up on you.” With his free hand, Julius clenched the coverlet. His breath was coming heavier, and Amanda didn’t know if it was from anticipation or discomfort. She hoped the former. Crawling to the side of the bed, she leaned over and rustled through the lacquered chest, pulling out an amber bottle. She drizzled a small amount of oil onto her palm and rubbed her hands together.
“The rope around your wrist, does it make you feel linked to the earth? A connection that keeps you from disappearing?”
He huffed out a laugh. “Sure. Let’s go with that.”
Amanda’s mouth went dry. He wasn’t enjoying the experience like she did. Well, if he was determined to continue, she would distract him from the bonds. She wrapped both hands around his cock and stroked. The oil on her hands made the glide easy. His skin warmed the oil, and the oil, in turn, heated his skin.
He groaned. “You found the ginger oil.”
She remembered that oil. The slight burn that accompanied the slickness. If she lowered herself onto his length, they could burn together.
Her core clenched. She wanted to feel him, skin to skin, so badly. She wanted that final bit of separation removed. Maybe she could convince him, just this once.
Gently, she cupped his bollocks and rubbed the oil into the downy soft sac.
Julius shuddered. “My other hand. You need to tie it.”
“Are you sure?” He was already so tense. “I think we have enough to give you a taste.”
“I don’t need you to think. I need you to tie my fucking hand.”
Amanda froze. He was distressed and lashing out. She knew that, but it still hurt.
“I apologize.” He cleared his throat. “Please. Just do it. I need to know I can handle it.”
She crawled up the bed and took his hand. Threading her fingers through his, she eased his arm into position. His biceps bulged, and she squeezed his hand. “Whenever you want me to take off the ropes, just tell me.”
He nodded, his breath shallow. When she tied the rope to the bed, he turned his head away.
This wasn’t the tender evening she’d anticipated. Something was disturbing Julius. Something he didn’t want to share. But he trusted her enough to have her bind him, and that had to mean something.
Lying next to him, she stroked his length and softly kissed his chest. “Relax. You’re safe here. I’m going to take care of you.”
His laugh was bitter. “Do I sound as trite as that when I say those words to you?”
The back of Amanda’s throat burned. “No.” She blinked away tears. “You sound wonderful. I believed every word you said.”
Pushing up to kneeling, she grabbed the bottle of oil. Focus. This moment was about Julius. She drizzled the oil across his thighs and tried to stroke his worries away. His muscles bunched and released, the tension retreating only to reappear when she moved to another spot.
She worked the oil down his legs and concentrated on his feet. She dug her thumbs into his arches, remembering how good that had felt on her body. She looked up the long length of his body stretched out across the bed. Julius looked like a man on the rack. Not one about to enjoy the pleasures of a woman.
Smoothing her hand up his legs, she circled her fingers around his cock, stroking until it was throbbing with need. A slow smile curled her lips. He might not be fully enjoying this, but she still had the power to satisfy parts of him. She straddled his hips, and caressed the hard planes of his stomach. Bending over, she circled the flat buttons of his nipples with her tongue.
His chest heaved beneath her mouth.
“I can’t wait to take you in my mouth.” She kissed his stomach. “Suck you until you beg for release.” Dipping her tongue into his navel, she swirled it around. “Then stop, let your need ebb, before beginning all over again.”
“Turnabout is fair play.” Julius shifted beneath her. He pulled the ropes taut before sagging back into the mattress.
“I’m glad you understand this is an act of redress. Delaying your satisfaction as you have mine so many times before.” Opening her mouth wide, she took him deep. The ginger burned hot on her tongue, and she wanted that feeling everywhere. She swallowed when he hit the back of her throat. Aside from a grunt, Julius remained silent.
She worked him with her mouth for a few moments, and raised her head. She circled her palm over his crown. “I could do all that, but I want something else.”
Julius stared up at the canopy. “What’s that?”
“I want to feel you, deep inside me.” Positioning herself, she rubbed the head of his cock along her folds. She shuddered from the luxuriousness of the sensation. “We can do that from this position, can’t we?”
“This is a very good position.” His eyes met hers, dark brown orbs surrounded by a circle of green, like moss crawling across wet earth. He jerked his head towards the side of the bed. “The linen pockets are in the chest. I’ll tell you how to tie that knot, too.”
She laid his length against his stomach, and slid her folds against the velvety ridge. She was so wet, and she didn’t know if it was her or the oil. “I want to feel you.” She let the pleading enter her voice, even though she was supposed to be the one taking what she wanted. But she couldn’t take this. “You. Not a piece of treated linen. Can’t we just this once—”
“It just takes once.” He shook his head. “I will not get you with child.”
Amanda’s cheeks heated. “But other men have … I have never come down with that condition. I don’t know that it’s possible for me.” She’d never voiced that particular fear before. The fact that no children had come from her previous encounters had always been blessings. As it should still be now. She would never marry, and if she wanted to have lovers, her inability to carry a child was a benefit.
But she couldn’t deny there was a small part of her that would love to carry Julius’s child.
“And you don’t know that it isn’t.” His voice hardened. “I can’t take that chance.”
The chance that he would be burdened with her. A flicker of pain fluttered to life behind her breastbone. “What about if you tell me when you’re close?” She eased just the head of his cock into her body, wanting to slam down and take him whole. She wouldn’t, but the want remained, bone deep. “You tell me, and I’ll—”
“I said no!” Julius roared. With two turns of his wrist, he pulled his right hand free. Jackknifing up, he pushed Amanda off of him and twisted around to untie his other hand.
Amanda widened her eyes. “How did you get out?”
“You tie knots like a two-year-old.” Pushing off the bed, Julius paced around the bed. He rubbed his wrists, breathing heavily. “What were you thinking? You know I won’t enter a woman without protection.”
“I said I’d pull off of you. I just want to feel you skin to skin.” Amanda rolled off the bed and looked for her chemise.
“If you want nothing between us then bend over the bed. Your training with my jades is about to bear fruit.”
Amanda’s jaw dropped open. “Are you suggesting …” She couldn’t even finish her thought. Yes, he’d been preparing her body. But she’d be damned if she let him take out his anger in that way. Picking the shift from the bench in front of his bed, she dropped it over her head.
“Changing your mind?” Julius stepped close, his muscles coiled tight. “Is that something you’re not comfortable with yet?”
“I understand your point,” she said coldly. “All you had to say was no.”
“From my position, it didn’t look like you were taking no for an answer.” Sweat glistened on his shoulders. Heat rolled off his body. “Are you trying to trap me? Tying me to the headboard wasn’t enough for you?”
Amanda rubbed her chest. The flutter of pain had turned into a flock of birds all beating their wings in unison. “What are you saying?” He couldn’t possibly think she’d tried to deceive him into marriage. He knew her better than that.
“I don’t know, Amanda.” He ran a hand through his hair. “You see your sister making a conquest of a duke. You think you can secure a title, as well?”
“No,” she whispered. The room spun around her, and she blinked, trying to find her center. She licked her lips. “I have no hopes of ever marrying, much less marrying a gentleman.” Picking up her dress, she looked for the right end of it. She gave up and held it to her chest. “Even were I to become with child, I have no expectations of you. I’m sure Marcus would settle me comfortably abroad, so you needn’t have worried.”
Julius narrowed his eyes dangerously. “No expectations? You don’t think I would take responsibility?”
Amanda turned her back. He didn’t believe her. Didn’t know her at all. “I think we’ve said all that needs to be said.” She picked up her slippers and cradled the whole mess to her stomach. She hoped no one was about, because she wasn’t going to waste time in dressing.
He let her leave without another word. She ran for her room, tears streaming down her face. She locked her door and leaned back against it. Her pile of clothes tumbled to the floor.
She was a fool. Thinking that Julius could ever develop feelings for someone like her. She was a fallen woman, a disgrace. And it was time she remembered her place.
Throwing herself in her bed, she pulled the covers over her head and cried. She couldn’t remember ever wanting anything so badly as she wanted Julius's affection. Not even her freedom when she’d been imprisoned.
Hope was a demanding mistress. Amanda could at least thank Julius for ridding her of that burden.