I ROLLED OVER.
The sadness of my disarray fell in cascading waves around me. The physical pains of being assaulted and having my insides ejected from my body were nothing compared to the pain of losing my heart. Losing my soul.
One would think that, without a heart, you’d feel less. But I’d have to rebut that argument. I now knew it to be a falsity because I felt much, much more. I was feeling . . . everything.
Live me.
The words rang in my head on a constant loop. If I thought I was broken before, I was only a piece of a shattered person now. The rest was missing. My light—gone. A sliver of my soul had been carved out and had evaporated into thin air. He was gone.
Live me. Live me. Live me.
And there it replayed again, torturing me from the inside.
The disappointment in his eyes would never leave me. The hurt. The anguish in his blue diamonds as they sparkled their last dying light.
I rolled to the other side and tucked the sheet into the crook of my neck, wincing when even the softness of the pillow grazed my tender cheek. I gritted my teeth. Served me right for thinking my life would ever be anything other than this, engulfed in suffocating loneliness. I had needed the wakeup call.
As promised, Blake had walked away without even a text. I knew it was for the best, but the hurt I felt each time I checked the screen of my cell phone was insurmountable. There was no clinical term for what I had. I had death, plain and simple. When your heart no longer beat but for the simple passage of blood through your needy veins, you were no longer alive.
Live me.
I fisted the pillow and slammed it over my head, groaning.
Live me.
Live me.
Live me.
“Go away!” I screamed into the cotton-covered feathers.
But it never left.
I wanted to open the top of my head and take a hard piece of pink rubber to it, erasing all the words Blake had ever put there. Un-remember all of the feeling, all of the love, and the raw emotion. I’d never known a real love like that existed. That shit was for the movies.
But it wasn’t.
It was a real, living, breathing, tangible thing.
An entity.
It swam through you and pulsated beyond your body. It reached out toward the one it yearned for and pulled them back inside, tucking them away into the little broken crevices of you that needed them.
It was real. It was true. And it was alive.
Live.
Me.
I did. That was why I was dying.
A light clinking sounded in the room as the door opened, and the smell of food drifted through the air. Toasted bread—jelly, maybe? Fruit?—and the unmistakable scent of freshly brewed coffee.
I felt so fragile beneath the covers as if their gentle fluffiness could snap my bones. The corner of the comforter lifted, sending new air in, replacing what my lungs had been recycling with fresh oxygen.
Jace’s face pulled in with disgust. “You stink.” He dropped a tray on my nightstand.
“Go away. I’m not in the mood.” I replaced the cover over my matted mane. This time, the comforter was ripped aside with less patience. I folded the bend of my arm over my eyes.
“Well, that’s not happening.” He waved his hand in front of his face. “The least you could’ve done was hose yourself off. Sprayed some juniper on your stank or something.”
I dropped my arm and glared at him. “Did you come here to make me feel worse?”
He crossed his arms, lifting his chin. “No. Time’s up. Today you get out of bed, you eat, and for the love of God, you shower.”
“Why are you doing this to me?” I rolled to my side and shoved my hands under my cheek facing him.
He put his hand to his chest. “Why am I . . .” Without another word, Jace left the room.
I closed my eyes, content that I had succeeded in getting rid of his pesky, meddling ass. All I wanted to do was lie here and rot until I disintegrated.
Two seconds later, the swoosh of metal sliding across metal shrieked, and bright light pooled in as Jace tore open my curtains. I squeezed my eyes so tight, they ached. “Jace, what the hell!”
There was a hard tapping on my head. I grabbed for the assault weapon and only opened my eyes when I couldn’t find it. A familiar shade of green looked back at me, albeit slightly duller than I remembered and lackluster. I pushed at the mirror propped between Jace’s hands and clutched the comforter to my chest, trying to shrink smaller.
“That, my dear, is why I’m doing this. This place is going to be condemned soon.” He threw the mirror beside me on the bed.
“You’re being dramatic,” I huffed.
“Sweetheart, I am drama.” He swept his fingertips along his blond highlighted hairline. “But I’m not being dramatic this time. You smell like the zoo . . . at a circus . . . held in a dumpster. Shall we take a poll? Call in for opinions?” He straightened and looked around.
“Fine! Just shut up.” I flung the sheet off my body and swung my legs off the side of the bed, wincing as I clutched a rib that was still sore. Jace swallowed through his frown as his eyes roamed over me briefly before he caught himself. He quickly replaced the melancholy expression with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
Self-conscious, I jacked up the hem of my tank and tried to smooth down my hair. My fingers rolled over what felt like hard cotton, and I realized I’d never washed out the hospital.
How many days has it been?
I looked at the ceiling, mentally trying to tick off my time spent in this room when my sights rested on a delicate rose poking out of a petite, white vase in the corner of the tray. My heart wound back and punched me in the gut. I knew Jace had meant well, but that flower brought back too many painful memories of Blake, my only love.
“Get that out of here.” My voice shook, the prickling of tears stinging my ducts.
Jace followed my eyes and then winced. “Sorry, love. I forgot.” He disappeared with the flower. He really was cute. He’d thought of everything down to the vitamins and Tylenol lying beside a glass of orange juice. My heart warmed. He was forgiven for the flower.
The bed dipped down, and Jace’s arm slid over my shoulder. He reached past me with the other arm and held a bagel with cream cheese and grape jelly in front of my mouth. “Bite.”
I did as he commanded, and the food landed like a lump in my empty belly, but the sweetness on my lips was divine. I opened again, and the corner of Jace’s mouth lifted in a genuine smile for the first time. His eyes lightened as he pushed a new bite into my mouth.
I ate half of it before he handed me the pills and the orange juice, ordering me to swallow. Already feeling a little better, I grabbed the mug of coffee and squeezed his leg, moving in for a kiss.
Jace’s head snapped back. “Don’t you dare. I was in diapers the last time you brushed those teeth. That mouth’s not coming near me.”
My jaw dropped open, and I quickly put a palm in front of it to blow and smell.
Jace stood and pointed toward the door. “Bathroom. Now.”
I knew when not to argue with Jace. And truth be told, I wouldn’t have had the strength in me to do so if I wanted to. On feeble legs I wobbled, not having used them a whole bunch in the last few days, my pajama bottoms hanging from my hips and dragging across the hardwood.
I flicked the switch on the wall and walked into the bathroom. The cool tile shocked my bare feet, and I rubbed my arms as a chill raced through me.
Jace took my hips and maneuvered me aside so he could make his way over to the tub, which forced a broken girl to stand in the reflection in front of me. I wasn’t ready to see her. But now that I did, I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
She looked so empty. So shattered. Her eyes were a slimy shade of grayish green, surrounded by red vines, encased in shallow purple shells. Right below, a yellowish patch was splayed over a cheekbone which was more pronounced than I remembered. Atop her head sat a matted nest.
After turning on the water to the shower, Jace came and stood behind me. He put his hands on my shoulders and stared with me, not saying a word—not having to speak. Although he had no trouble reading my mind, I knew this was one time he wanted to stay out of my head. I closed my eyes and turned away.
Jace dug around in my hair, trying to find the elastic band knotted around it. He pushed and pulled before my mane came tumbling down my back, brushing the band of my sleep pants. He tucked his fingers into the hem of my tank, and I raised my arms letting him peel it away. I was never shy in front of my best friend, but for some reason, my arms automatically crossed in front of my chest to cover myself.
Jace lowered my pants to the floor next. I felt so open and vulnerable, even with him, and it killed me that I was so weak.
Jace took my face between his hands and tilted my head to kiss my forehead. “This, too, shall pass, sugar. You’ll be strong again.”
I sucked my lips into my mouth, puckering the skin between my eyes to keep from breaking down. He helped me into the tub, and I pressed my back against the porcelain, staring at the barrage of water tumbling down. I was scared it would hurt, even though I knew how illogical that sounded. My hands shook, and I tried catching one with the other to still them. When I looked down, my breath caught. A red swell covered my breast, and random bruises lay scattered over my skin. Leaning forward, I discovered between my thighs were also discolored and sore. It was the first time I’d seen the extent of what Damon had done.
Quiet sobs hitched my chest up and down. Unable to carry the burden any longer, I was about to drop, my shoulders falling forward when sturdy hands caught me. Jace stepped into the tub with glassy eyes, his jaw so tight it could snap glass. Though he didn’t speak, his eyes spoke volumes. I could see all of his questions, his concerns, his rage.
“Come here, munchkin.” He pulled my back to his chest, and his underwear brushed my backside. He’d kept them on, and I felt relieved even though I’d seen him plenty of times without them.
The relief broke me.
He was my best friend. The one person I could always count on to be there for me. I wasn’t supposed to think twice about being afraid of him. I cried harder. I’d lost me. All of me.
Jace bent his knees, bringing us both to sit on the tub floor. He spun us so our backs were to the water, but it was his skin it beat against. He didn’t say a word the rest of the time, and I was thankful because I didn’t think I could have answered. He just held me between his legs, hugging me from all angles, and rocked until he felt my movements cease.
When I had finally calmed, he reached up and grabbed the shampoo before massaging suds into my hair. I winced, clutching at a tender spot as a flashback of Damon dragging me to the couch bolted through my mind.
“I’m sorry.” Jace put his hand on mine.
I shook my head. “It’s not your fault. I just didn’t expect it. Go ahead. It feels nice.”
“I’ll be gentle.”
He continued to wash more gingerly, tilting my head back to wash out the suds, then repeating the process with conditioner. Leaving it there to set, he worked soap over every inch of me, careful of the amount of pressure he applied. When I was clean, he handed me the soap and backed away to give me privacy so I could wash the parts he shouldn’t touch, though I didn’t think they’d ever feel clean again.
With tentative hands, I felt around between my legs with the soap, scared I would hit a sore spot like the one on my head. My pubic bone was tender. I squeezed my eyes shut as tears leaked through the edges, and I moved my fingers through my folds, knowing I needed to get through this to wipe away any trace of that bastard. As I washed, my mind flashed images in quick succession, each one jolting my body as they slammed into me—
His hands.
His teeth.
Damon mounting himself on top of me, moving between my legs.
I wailed, my body bucking as it remembered it all. Remembered the feel of his hands—those fucking hands—everywhere.
I wept louder, faintly registering Jace’s soft “shhh . . .” from behind me, and I was thankful he refrained from touching me.
I took the soap in my clutches, brought it to my arm and scrubbed, raking my nails over my skin, trying to remove as many layers as possible, feeling like someone had let an ant farm loose inside of me. Vibrant red streaks emerged over each area that I moved to, but it felt good. Like a release. Crunching down hard on my molars, I curled my lip over my teeth, picking up the pace as the hot burn sliced through me.
Unable to take it any longer, Jace grabbed my wrists and hugged me to him, whispering soothing hushes into my ear and telling me he loved me—that it would all be okay—until I was calm enough to settle. He washed out the conditioner and stood, scooping me up and placing me on the floor mat.
With delicate strokes, he patted me dry. I stepped into a clean pair of underwear, and he pulled a T-shirt over my head. I waited as he changed into dry clothes, then stood behind me, combing my hair with a careful, delicate finesse. He always loved to do that, and I always loved when he did. It made me feel protected, and taken care of. This time I could tell that he was doing it with purpose rather than enjoyment. I knew he wanted to take care of me, but I could tell he would be happy when this task was over and behind us.
When he finished, he draped my hair over one shoulder and set the brush on the counter. His hands rested on my shoulders, and I could feel the weight of his eyes on my reflection. “You don’t have to tell me what happened ‘till you’re ready, but I do want you to see someone you can talk to.”
“Jace . . .”
“Don’t.” His sharp tone made me look at his mirrored image. “Don’t, Eva. When you finally came to me with this, it was because you knew I would help you any way I could. You couldn’t take it anymore. Remember?”
I nodded.
“When I pleaded with you to tell someone, and you refused, I didn’t push, did I?”
“No.” My voice shrunk.
“So I did the next best thing. I got you the hell out of there and figured we’d sort it out later. Well, it’s later.” His eyebrows shot together in a deep V. “It’s escalated. Look at you!” He threw his hand out toward my reflection.
I recoiled, looking away again, unable to bear the truth of it. He reached his arm around the front of my face and forced my chin in the direction of the mirror.
“Look. At. You.” Intensity grew in his eyes as they glittered with a fresh set of tears. His lips quivered as his fingers dug into my jaw. “He’s taken you. Destroyed you. Where are you? Do you even see yourself anymore?” His voice cracked with fury, with pain, giving away that he, too, was suffering through this. I had never considered what witnessing all of this for so long was doing to him.
My lips trembled.
“Cry, love. Get it the fuck out of you already.” His voice broke and then so did he. He wrapped his arms around me, his chest heaving into my back, hot tears raining down on my shoulder.
I crumbled forward, leaning my body on the counter, taking him with me. We both bucked and swayed and cried until there was nothing left. Sniffling, Jace picked me up so my legs dangled over his forearm and walked me back to my bedroom, laying me down. He sat beside me.
“Eva, I love you so much. I only want what’s best for you, so you have to listen. You have to trust me.”
I stared into his amber eyes, and all I saw was adoration, laced with a tinge of what looked like regret. I knew part of him shouldered the blame for not forcing me to come clean sooner, and it was becoming harder and harder for him to live with.
“You need to—” He cleared his throat and strengthened his shoulders. “You will see someone. And when you’re stronger, you’re going to tell your family.”
“Jace—”
His hand waved sharply. “Shh! You can’t let Abby marry that monster. It’s not right. He’s progressing, Eva.” He steadied his gaze on me. “He took you. Forcefully and against your will. You’re going to tell them, and you’re going to end it. No more!”
I knew he had reached his breaking point as well. I swallowed hard and nodded once, though I still wasn’t convinced I’d do it. He kissed my forehead and rose from the bed. I sat up and tucked a leg beneath me, watching him move around my room, attempting to tidy.
“Jace?”
“Yeah, love?” He picked up an old pair of yoga pants, inspecting them with his face scrunched up before exhaling a puff of air, rolling his eyes, and tossing them into the hamper.
Blake’s electric blue gaze twinkled before me before falling in front of me like scattered ash. “Have you seen him?” I squeezed the sheet, needing to hold onto something in anticipation of his answer.
Jace looked away.
I swallowed. “Is he okay? Tell me, Jace,” I asked quietly, attempting to seem unaffected despite the knocking in my chest.
He knotted the tank he’d been folding and dropped his hands with a sigh. “How do you think he is, Eva?” He paused, looking me over before going back to his task. “Let’s just concentrate on you for now. You have enough to deal with for the time being.”
“But—”
His eyes sharpened. “I’m serious.”
I paused, clarity taking shape for the first time in days. “We need to protect him.”
Jace stopped what he was doing and fisted his hip, a white tank dangling from his clutches. “Sweetheart, forgive me if I’m missing something, but I’m pretty sure you’re in no position to be protecting anybody.”
The answer was clear to me now, and I needed for him to understand. “We need to protect him from me.” When Jace’s eyes narrowed, I continued. “And himself.”
“I’m not following. You’re going to have to decode this one.”
I spoke rapidly, still trying to get a hold of my thought process. “Jace, if he were to find out—if he were to know who did this . . .” my eyes dragged up to meet his. “He’d kill him.” I shuddered, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that was the truth. “He’d kill him and his life would be over. I can’t let that happen to him. I need to do this right.”
“What does that mean?” Jace questioned.
“It means it has to be me that fixes this. On my own. I just don’t know how I’m going to do it yet.” My heart broke, knowing full-well that meant Blake and I were really over. This was the only piece of me left to give to him.
Jace nodded, and I knew I had the word of my best friend that he would do as I asked. “Let’s just concentrate on getting you better. He can’t be with half a girl anyway. We need you whole, darling.”
My gaze dropped to a bruise on my arm, and I looked away, feeling more like a morsel than a half.