Gasping for air, I wake up.

My hands rush to my chest and I try to calm my racing heart. “It's in the past . . . It’s in the past,” I reassure myself. The argument with my mother, along with the night I spent with Ethan must have triggered the memory I had buried so deep in my brain. 

I roll off the bed and march down to the kitchen for a glass of water. I spent most of the afternoon sleeping. Locating my purse on the kitchen counter, I pull out my phone.

Ethan: Are you sure I can't persuade you to come over tonight?

My fingers hover over the keypad, but instead, I shake my head and lock the screen. I don't want to talk to him. Not when the wounds feel so fresh. 

I walk over to the medicine cabinet and debate taking one of my mother’s Ambien. I know they will help me sleep; drown out the voices and fears that linger deep inside. Holding the bottle, I weigh my options, and then place them back in the cabinet. I need to face my demons head on. I can’t always turn to tequila when I'm down, and turning to sleep medication will just open a whole new can of worms. 

My hands rest on the kitchen counter and I take a few calming breaths to help the anxiety attack that is forming deep in my chest. I know what I can do to fix this. Hating this part of me, the part that needs to run to feel safe, I shake the thoughts out of my mind and close the cabinet door shut before I run up the stairs. I crawl back into bed and stare at the stars that are glued to my ceiling. I can’t be the same Leslie as always. I need to learn to grow. If being back here has taught me anything, it’s that time does make us grow. I now, somewhat, have a normal relationship with my mother, Ethan and I are happy together. Wanting to run because of a bad nightmare is stepping backward, not forward. I toss on the bed and roll over until my eyes land on the window. I can’t run away. It’s time to plant my feet and face my demons.

* * *

I'm in the studio late Monday night with my beginner’s ballet class. With their flats on and their hair pulled back in a bun, we practice plies and first position. My mind is everywhere but where it should be. Though I forced myself to stay and not run, my mind keeps imagining the possibility of leaving it all behind.

When I broke my ankle, Ethan was nowhere in sight and I couldn’t take the pain of letting everyone down. So I ran. When Harry left for London, I couldn’t take the burden of not being good enough again, so I ran to Chicago.

Running is what I do, and right now all I want to do is run away from this place again. Run away from Ethan. The simple memory of what happened between us makes me want to rip my skin off and run. It’s a constant battle that, at times, I feel I’m losing.

I glance up at the clock and notice the class has run five minutes over. “Okay, girls, that’s it for tonight. Remember to practice your plies at home.”

I'm saying my good-byes to the parents when Ethan walks in through the studio door. Instantly, my heart flutters; we both know why he’s here. I’ve been dodging his calls lately. Not because I don’t want to see him, but because I know he can see right through me. He leans against the wall and waits until I'm finished. When the last parent and student are out the door, he walks toward me. His eyes are kind, and his hands are tucked away in his leather jacket.

“Hey,” I say nervously. His eyes are compelling and magnetic.

He scoops me into his arms and kisses me tenderly. When he pulls away, I'm breathless. “What is it, Freckles?” he says, looking deep into my eyes for some form of answer. His bright green irises sparkle at me, and instantly, none of my problems seem to matter. He has always been able to do that.

“Nothing,” I lie. I don’t want to ruin the moment, and I don’t want to admit that I want to leave.

“You've always been a bad liar.” His mouth quirks with humor.

“I'm not lying. I've just been busy.” I shrug and a grin grows on my face.

Ethan places me on the ground and pulls me into his arms. Slowly, he places a finger under my chin and makes me look up at him. “Remember our freshman year? We were let out of school early because the heat was unbearable, and we walked over to the creek. I decided we should go swimming, and you threw a fit because you had your period and didn't want to tell me that's what was going on. You kept saying nothing. And when I wouldn’t give up, you picked a fight with me, called me a dumb boy and ran home.”

I pout my lips as I remember the day clearly.

“Well, that is the exact same face you have on right now. So, why don't you tell me what's really bothering you.”

"My mother,” I say as I lean my body on his and rest my head on his chest. "She was up when you dropped me off and we had an argument. It brought up some bad memories."

"Does this argument entail how I ruined everything for you?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." I glance up at Ethan. His green eyes are captivating and the scruff around his chin makes me reach up and run my fingers across it. 

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

I shake my head. There isn't anything anyone can say. "It's the past. And like everything else, this too shall pass." 

"That still doesn't explain why you were avoiding me."

I sigh and bury my face into his chest. "You make it hard to think straight. So much has happened between us. It’s easier to run away." 

"I'm not letting you run anymore,” he says into the crook of my neck before he wraps his hands around my waist and lifts me off the ground again. I squeal and wrap my arms around his neck. For a moment we stare into each other's eyes. If we could only live in this bubble. “No matter how hard you try, I’m not letting you run away. Whatever it is, we will get through this. Together.”

His lips capture mine in a kiss, tender at first, nibbling on my lower lip before deepening it. My legs tighten around his hips as I let myself mold into him. Ethan's hands are on my back before moving to the nape of my neck. Holding me close, he walks into the office and kicks the door closed behind him. He sits me on top of the desk and takes a step back. "You know, for as long as I can remember, I've wanted to have sex in this office."

"Really?" Butterflies flap their wings in my belly nervously. I lean back and rest my hands behind me. 

"Yes." He takes a step forward. "I think it has to do with the way this thing is skin tight." He runs his hands up my leotard. 

"It's supposed to be tight so you can see the movements."

"All I see is the way it hugs your body,” Ethan whispers, pulling a strap down from my shoulder. His lips follow along the nylon fabric until my breast is exposed. I whimper when his tongue swirls around my nipple. Hearing me, Ethan yanks down the other strap and cups my breasts. 

Unable to take the torture of his lips on my nipples, I reach for his jeans, but he pulls away from my bare skin and grabs my hands. Slowly he shakes his head, and a devilish grin grows on his face. "Oh, no you don’t. I'm going to make sure you think twice the next time you consider running away from me.” His voice is low and purposely seductive. "Lie back, Freckles. I've been dying to do this for a long time."

I press my back against the cool wood furniture and let Ethan undress me. Exposing myself, I watch as his eyes devour me. Then his hands. And finally, his mouth. Ethan kisses up my legs and inner thighs. When his breath reaches my core, I'm aching. 

One lick. 

One kiss. 

Ever so slowly he teases, bringing me to the edge. His tongue does things to me I have never felt before. Arching my back, I moan out his name. 

"Ethan . . . please,” I beg. 

He grunts in pleasure but continues his slowly-paced licks. Without an ounce of doubt, I give in to him. I give him all of me. He is right there, riding the wave of my orgasm with his tongue. When the trembles cease and I can breathe again, I sit up and lean on my elbows.

"That was—”

"Everything." He wipes the corner of his mouth. 

"Can I return the favor?" 

Ethan shakes his head and proceeds to unzip his pants. "Another time, Freckles. I need you. Now,” he demands. The devil is in his eyes, which only entices me to please him.

"How do you want me?" I ask, hoping my eyes match the carnal want in his.

"Turn around." 

I bite my lower lip and hop off the desk. Bending over in front of him, I wait in anticipation. He groans with pleasure as he sinks into me. It's all consuming, all pleasing. I lay my head on the cool wood and enjoy his thrusts. He is tender at first. Slow and steady, and he savors every second, but when my body tightens around him and I beg him to give me more, he does.

Ethan doesn’t stop until we are both sated and gasping for air.

* * *

One month later

It all seems perfect. Everything seems right in the world and it feels as if nothing ever changed.

We are in love all over again. And this time, I can see a forever for us.

The nights I work late at the studio, he’s there to walk me to my car. He takes me out to dinner one night during the week, and we spend countless hours on the phone or making love to each other. We’re doing all the things we never got to do, and just like that my life is somewhat normal again. The need to run away is gone.

Darlene and I haven’t fought since my walk of shame. She knows Ethan and I are back together and doesn’t question it. She spends her days with my dad, who is finally getting better, though I have yet to find the courage to see him. Like I said, everything seems right in the world.

But like so many moons ago, I can’t help but feel the world is about to be ripped out from under me one more time.