At some point through the crying and the pain I make it home. I don’t say anything as I walk up the stairs and head straight toward the shower. The warm water trickles down my body as my hands curl around my stomach. The spotting is still there but it is less than before. I find myself checking every few minutes. My breath is caught in my chest as I wait for more blood.

When I’m done in the shower I slip on my pajamas and crawl into bed. Images of Ethan beating Michael haunt me as I toss and turn between checking my pad periodically. Never have I seen Ethan like that, so violent, so angry. Even when he spoke to Erica that day, his voice was laced with anger. It’s as if Jerry has taken over his spirit. That thought alone causes me to shiver. I turn over on the bed and look out my bedroom window. My eyes are glued to the latch that is now locked so no one can get in.

Checking one last time to see if there is any more bleeding, I force my eyes shut and will sleep to come. The tightness I feel around my abdomen wakes me from my sleep. I wince in bed and my eyes snap open as I realize what’s happening.

“Ow!” I say and curl up in a ball. Tears fill my eyes as the cool wetness from my pajama bottoms rests on my leg. Petrified, I shove the covers off and turn on the light.

Blood.

Bright crimson blood pools between my legs. My hands cover my mouth as a scream threatens to crawl up my throat.

This isn’t spotting.

This is more than a regular period.

Warm tears drip down my cheeks. My heart shatters into a million pieces as it all settles in. I’m losing the baby.

* * *

My feet drag across the carpeted floor, and I force myself to swallow back the boulder that is lodged in my throat. There is nothing a blood test can tell me that I don’t already know. Once again, I sit on the exam room chair and extend my forearm.

“I’m so sorry this is happening to you.” Mrs. Carey holds my hand and a new wave of tears wash over me. “We will know more once we get your results.” She nods, and gives me the same reassuring grin that Stephanie has.

“I won’t need my results,” I say and bite back a sob. “The amount of blood that came out makes it impossible to be okay.”

Mrs. Carey hands me a tissue and places her hand on my shoulder. “We don’t know for certain.”

Once she is finished withdrawing another vial, I hold the cotton ball as she opens the Band-Aid.

“Will I need a D&C?” I ask but I don’t look up at her, I can’t. The second my eyes meets hers I will lose it all. I will break down and I don’t want to do that until I’m home.

“No.” she says and as she sticks the Band-Aid on. “A D&C is usually performed on miscarriages after ten weeks.”

I nod as my vision blurs. “Do you think this happened because I was shoved into a table?”

Mrs. Carey takes both of my hands in hers and crouches down until we are face to face.

“Unfortunately, we will never be able to tell if the blunt force impact caused the miscarriage.” Her voice is kind, sympathetic, and somewhat comforting all in one. “Sometimes it’s your body telling you this wasn’t the perfect egg.”

My lips quiver as I try my hardest not to cry uncontrollably. “Your pregnancy is, was, still very early on, and most of the time your uterus rejects the egg implantation.”

I nod and suck in a breath as a sob escapes me. “Okay,” I say only slightly above a whisper. My body is trembling.

Mrs. Carey hugs me. “There is nothing you could have done to change this outcome.” Her hands rub up my back.

“I didn’t know how much I could love it already,” I cry.

“I know, sweetie.” She brushes my hair back and I sob.

Minutes pass before my crying has subsided. Wiping the tears away, I clear my throat. “So, what now?” I say as I take in big gulps of air to fill my lungs.

“The bleeding will be heavier than a normal period,” she says, and I hold my breath. “Your body will push it all out on its own. You’ll have a bit more cramping than usual, but don’t be alarmed. If you have a fever, begin to vomit or develop the chills, call me immediately.”

I nod, unable to say anything else. I stand from the chair and throw my purse over my shoulder. Mrs. Carey places her hand on the upper part of my back and follows me out of the office.

By the time I reach my car, the decision has been made for me.

When I get home, I’ll be emailing HR and telling them I’m returning.

* * *

To my surprise, when I arrive home Stephanie’s car is in the driveway. I give myself another look in the mirror and decide keeping my sunglasses on is best to hide the puffiness. Inside, I find Stephanie sitting with my parents in the living room.

“There she is,” my father says with a wide grin when I step inside.

“I had an appointment this morning.” My voice is still hoarse.

“Stephanie here was just telling your father that Bruce will be home next week,” My Mom says and adds more tea to Stephanie’s cup. “Would you like some tea?” My mother says, holding up the kettle in my direction.

I shake my head and Stephanie stands. “Excuse me for just a quick second. I need to have a little chat with Leslie.”

“Certainly,” my father agrees.

“We’ll go outside.” I lead her to the deck.

“Are you okay?” Stephanie says the second the sliding door closes.

The tug at my heart reminds me of my empty uterus and my eyes fill with tears again. "I lost the baby " I cover my face with my hands and sob.

“Oh, Les,” Stephanie says before she embraces me. “Did you call my mom?” She asks after a few minutes have passed.

“I just left her office.” I pull away from her. Removing my sunglasses, I wipe the tears from my face and walk over to the three steps that lead down into the yard. Stephanie sits next to me and we both look up into the warm, clear sky. “Did you hear about last night?”

“Yeah.” She sighs. “I wanted to come by last night but you didn’t answer any of my calls. I rushed over first this this morning.”

“Sorry.” I sniffle back. “I silenced my phone. Who told you about last night? I look over at Stephanie. Tears still drip down my cheeks. 

She sighs and rests her elbows on her knees. “I saw the fight on social media.”

“What?”

She pouts her lips and nods. “Some idiot at the pub decided to record it and post it on Facebook.”

I groan and bury my face between my knees. “It only showed Ethan and Michael fighting. Well, more like Michael on the floor as Ethan beat him. I figured you'd want somebody to talk to.” She reaches out and places her hand on my shoulder.

Turning my face, I glance over at her. “I never saw him like that before. It's like Jerry took over his body.”

“Why were you guys there to begin with?”

“I asked him to talk. I was going to tell him about the baby and that I wanted to stay.” I shake my head remembering all that had happened.

“And what did he say?”

“He told me to go.”

“No!” Stephanie shakes head. “You can't go. Look how much you've accomplished here.” She points back to the house. “Your parents are so happy to have you home again.”

I lift my head and sniffle back before running my fingers under my eyes to wipe away the tears. “I'm going to call the HR department and let them know I'm coming back”.

“Are you not going to tell Ethan you were pregnant?”

Slowly, I shake my head. “It wasn’t meant to be, you know.”

“Don’t say that. Ethan loves you. Maybe a child wasn’t in the cards for right now. You guys had a fight; maybe he needs time to cool off.” Stephanie forces a smile and I know she is trying to be optimistic.

“It's much more than that.” I shake my head, knowing it wasn’t just a fight. “Ever since his father passed, Ethan has pulled away from me. It's as if a part of him blames me for this. And I guess I deserve that since a part of me blames him for what happened to me. It doesn't matter how many times we try to fix it. We say we forgive each other for what happened in that garage many years ago, but it broke a part of us and neither of us knows how to mend it.”

“He's grieving. It's normal to get mad. You’re grieving, too. It takes time.”

“I know, and I've given him his space and I've tried to be supportive. But he told me to go so I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I've done that to myself one too many times. He pushed me away once and this time I'm not coming back.”

“So, you'll just leave?” I can hear the pain in Stephanie’s voice. I look over at her and remind myself that though it didn’t work out with Ethan, I gained a new friend here that I will forever cherish.  

“Yeah, there's nothing here for me anymore.”

“You should really sleep on this. Take some time and think about it. Don't make any rash decisions just because you're mad.”

“That's it; I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. I expected more from him. And to hurt Michael the way he did . . .” I shake my head, not wanting to believe what I saw. “It was out of character. He hasn't been himself lately, and I can't stick around and wait for him to change. I waited for him last time, for three months, and he watched from afar as I rotted away in that hospital. It's time I put myself first.”

“This is good-bye then?” Stephanie leans her head on my shoulder.  

“No, not yet.” I place my head on hers. “But soon.”