Snow covered the ground in Central Park as they walked through it to get to Fifth Avenue. It was pretty and cold but Iona concentrated on Sofia’s talking instead of the fact that Mads was holding her hand like he wasn’t going to let go. She had been unsure how to proceed. Had made up her mind to go all in with whatever was going on between the two of them. But thinking she’d do that and actually putting it into action were two very different things.
“Do you have any traditions, Iona?” Sofia asked. “Papa and I don’t have very many.”
Iona didn’t find that hard to believe. “I do. One is going to the Nutcracker which we are all doing tomorrow.”
Sofia smiled up at her. “That can be one for us too, Papa.”
“Of course,” Mads said. “What else do you do?”
“Well, I bake cookies and take them over to the E/C retirement home.”
“What’s the E/C?”
“Episcopalian and Catholic retirement home. They have an evening where they sing carols, so I usually put on my Santa hat, bring over cookies and join them.”
“That sounds like fun,” Sofia said.
Iona looked over at Mads. “It’s always the Saturday before Christmas. This year that’s the twenty-third. You’re welcome to stop by,” Iona said, although she didn’t want to put any pressure on Mads to go.
“I think we’d like to go with you.”
“That would be nice,” Iona said.
They had gotten to the first holiday window on Fifth Avenue. Sofia made her way forward for a closer look, but Mads caught Iona’s hand, holding her back.
“I have a Loughman Group holiday dinner next Thursday evening and um … most of the staff will be bringing a date, would you like to come with me?”
She looked at him in the sparkling glow of the Christmassy window and nodded. “I’d love to.”
Sofia came back then and they took their time walking past the different windows, all with a holiday-themed vignette displayed in them. Sofia switched to walk between Iona and Mads, holding their hands. When they got to the Candied Apple, Iona noticed the shop was doing a fair amount of business for this time of night. And the hot chocolate they served was popular with the crowds of people who were out checking out the holiday windows and doing some last-minute shopping.
“Any one feel like some cocoa?”
“Me!” Sofia said, dropping Iona’s hand and dashing into the shop. She followed behind her, aware that Mads’ phone was ringing.
She glanced over at him.
“Go ahead and take that. I’ll get our drinks and find us a table.”
“Thanks,” he said.
She went into the shop, very aware that she was hiding from him. She wondered if this was part of the problem she’d had with her past relationships. She did tend to keep a part of herself back. Maybe it was fear that she’d end up in a relationship like her parents, where they’d been strangers who shared a home and a bed. She’d always wanted more but had never really been able to figure out how to get it.
Sofia was looking at the different chocolates on display as Iona talked to Nick, who had proven himself in the shop and was one of their top salespeople for the holiday season. He had an easy smile for everyone and the customers really responded to him.
“Checking up on me, boss lady?”
“Not at all. Just enjoying this December night,” she said. “I’ll have three cocoas and are there any sugar cut-out cookies left?”
“I’ve got three Santa heads,” he said.
“I’ll take them. How’s business?”
“Good. We are getting a mix of locals and tourists. Everyone is out tonight because of the snow earlier today. At night, it sparkles and makes everything seem more magical.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” she said.
“My favorite kind of night,” he said.
Hers too, she realized. But she knew a big part of it was due to the company she was keeping. She took the tray with the cocoas and cookies on it to the table near the back that Sofia had put her hat and mittens on. But Iona couldn’t find the little girl at first, but then noticed she was talking to a family with two boys a few tables away.
Iona put the tray on the table and turned to join Sofia when she saw the little girl was coming back to her.
“Who was that?”
“Remy and his brother,” she said.
“The boy you had to give the apology chocolates to?”
“Yeah. His mom was really nice. She liked the candy so they came here tonight,” Sofia said.
“Hayley does a really good job with the truffles,” Iona said.
“I guess.”
“What’s the matter?” Iona asked, helping Sofia take off her coat and getting her settled in her chair.
“Nothing.”
Iona took off her own coat and sat down next to Sofia. “Did he say something mean to you?”
“No.”
Iona got the hint and stopped asking questions, talking instead about cookies. “I have always loved sugar cookies like this with frosting on them.”
“They’re okay. Mommy couldn’t have any kind of colored frosting,” Sofia said.
“Do you want something else?” Iona asked.
“I think I want to go home.”
“Okay. Let’s get your coat on and find your dad.”
Sofia stood up, bumping the table as she did so. The cocoa was jostled and spilled on the table and then Sofia looked at it and burst into tears. Iona knelt in front of the little girl and she just looked at her with her brown eyes full of tears and Iona had no idea what was really bothering her but just pulled her into her arms, hugging her close.
“I miss my mommy,” Sofia said.
“I know, sweetie.”
Sofia stood stiffly for a second and then hugged Iona back and soon she stopped crying. Iona got a napkin and handed it to Sofia to dry her tears. Nick came over and cleaned the table quickly, but as she stood up Iona noticed Remy watching Sofia and beyond him she saw Mads in the doorway looking unsure and upset.
Of course, he was. His daughter was crying in the middle of a candy store. Iona looked down at Sofia, who just took her hand and Iona led her over to her father. She didn’t say anything to Mads as they left the Candied Apple Café.
***
Mads tucked Sofia in after reading her favorite story, the book that she and Gill had made their own, and then came back into his living room, where Iona was waiting.
“What happened at the Candied Apple Café?”
“I’m not really sure. We were fine and then she saw the boy from school and something changed. She said he wasn’t mean to her. But she didn’t want to stay any longer,” Iona said. “She started crying when she bumped the table, but I don’t think it was the spilled drinks that had upset her.”
Mads nodded. Of course, it wasn’t. They’d never done anything like they had this evening with Gill. She’d always been too frail to be outside during the winter weather. “Are you sure the boy didn’t upset her?”
Iona shook her head. “I really don’t know. I was ordering our drinks and didn’t get to go over to him or his parents.”
This was what came of trying to do something different. Rationally, he knew that it wasn’t the fact that they had been doing something Christmassy, but in his gut he felt like it was. Every time he tried to make it picture-perfect, something like this happened. “I’ll ask the principal to set up a meeting for me with his parents. I’ll see if I can get to the bottom of it.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. He had been thinking when he’d been outside of the Candied Apple that maybe he and Sofia were both ready for someone new in their lives, but he wasn’t sure now. His daughter usually seemed so even-tempered but lately something was going on with her, something he wasn’t able to put his finger on or fully understand.
“She did say she misses her mommy,” Iona said. “I mean, you probably already know that but I think there was something about seeing Remy and his family that made her think about her mom.”
Of course she would. “Damn. I just don’t know what to do about that. I talk to her and I’m here for her but I can’t make a mom appear.”
“No, you can’t. I guess just keep doing what you’re doing. Do you think my presence tonight is upsetting her?”
“I don’t think so. She adores you. It was her idea to invite you to come along.”
“Oh. So, you didn’t want to see me?” she teased.
“Of course I did. I was giving you space,” he said, admitting out loud what he’d been thinking.
“I don’t need any space,” she admitted.
“You make me feel alive again and that’s not very comfortable. I thought I was in this safe cocoon where I would spend the rest of my life alone, but then you ran into me with your jingle-bell Santa hat and infectious smile and made me realize that I’m not.”
Mads felt exposed and raw. He shouldn’t have said as much as he had to her but with her things were different and all the charm he’d once thought he had was long gone. Watching the woman he loved die had burned all of that out of him. And he’d never thought he’d meet another woman he could feel anything for. And he wasn’t saying this was love … he wasn’t ready for that and he was pretty damned sure that Iona wasn’t, but there was something between them.
“I know. I just want to make this easier for you both. And if I’m being honest, I really don’t want to get hurt either.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he admitted.
“Fair enough,” she said. “Maybe we should take a breather. No more kissing or sleeping together, okay?”
Mads didn’t think that was a good idea. But he wasn’t about to say no to her. He liked Iona and the thought of doing anything to further hurt her wasn’t something that he was willing to do.
“If that’s what you want to do, then I’m in.”
“I do,” she said. “I think I’ll go home now. I’ll meet you both at Lincoln Center tomorrow afternoon.”
“I don’t mind if you ride with us,” he said.
“Thanks. But I have to go by the Candied Apple in the morning and it will be easier to meet there.”
“Okay. I’m taking Sofia to buy a tree tomorrow morning. Maybe you can help us decorate it?”
“If she wants me too,” Iona said.
“What about what we want?”
She bit her lower lip. “I’m not sure what you mean?”
He wasn’t about to lay himself bare for her. Not about to say that he wanted her with him because she made it easier to cope with this Christmas. She made his apartment feel less empty, made him forget that Gill wasn’t here and if he was honest, that she never had been here. He hadn’t realized until now that Gill’s illness hadn’t just taken away Sofia’s belief in the magic of Christmas, but it had also seeped into their holiday celebrations until they’d had nothing to be joyful about at this time of year. And he wanted to find a way to give that back to his daughter and maybe find it for himself.
But those words weren’t coming easily to him so he just shrugged and said goodnight to Iona, watching her as she left his apartment.
***
Getting the tree was easy enough, but once they got back he realized they didn’t have any ornaments or lights.
“I’ll go and get some of the basics while you two are at the ballet,” Jessie said. “Do you want multi-colored lights or white?”
Mads wasn’t sure. “Sof?”
“I think white, Papa. Will it look like snow?”
“I don’t think so, squirt,” Jessie said. “But it will be pretty and sparkly.”
“Papa?”
“Jessie’s right. I’m sure that the white lights will be nice,” he said. “Do you want to go and look at some other trees before you decide?”
“I think so,” Sofia said. “The tree lighting we went to was all colors.”
“Yes, it was. But we have some trees at the Common that are all white lights. It’s really pretty. Why don’t we plan to stop by after the ballet?”
“Okay,” Sofia said.
“I’ll hold off on buying anything,” Jessie said as Sofia left the living room. “I know it’s not my night off, but are you two going to be gone all evening?”
Mads nodded. “Yes. Do you want the night off?”
“If you don’t mind. My boyfriend invited me to join him at a Christmas party. I was going to see if Sofia wanted to go, but it seems like you two will be busy.”
“Thanks. Jessie, has she said anything to you about Gill?” Mads asked.
“No. Why?”
“She started crying last night while we were out looking at the Christmas windows on Fifth Avenue and said something to Iona.”
“I’m sorry, Mads. She hasn’t said anything to me. She’s been off on the walks home from school lately. More quiet than usual and when she does ask questions they are about traditions and family. I didn’t really think much of it. First grade is different than kindergarten was and she has been doing a lot of projects around the holidays.”
Mads wondered if he needed to go talk to the principal. He’d already called her to discuss Remy and his family. But this might be something else. “Yes, they are. I guess all we can do for now is keep our eye on her.”
“I will. You know I can cancel tonight,” Jessie said.
“No, you can’t. You haven’t done anything for the holidays in six years. I think it’s okay if you go to a party with your boyfriend,” Mads said. All of them had been focused on making the most of the holidays with Gill while she had still been with them. Even Jessie. And the nanny deserved to enjoy this holiday.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. And I’m the boss, so no arguing.”
She stuck her tongue out at him but then came over and gave him a hug. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Enjoy your evening.”
Jessie left the living room and Mads stared at the tree that Sofia had selected, which was large and full. It touched the ceiling and filled the window that overlooked Central Park. He’d paid extra for this apartment and the view.
Sofia needed family this year. She was searching for something and he hadn’t yet figured out what it was, but he suspected she needed more than just the two of them.
He texted his brother but Piers didn’t answer. His parents were both gone and it had been just him and Piers for the last ten years. He hadn’t talked to Gill’s parents since school had started. They lived in Northern California. He didn’t like talking to them because they had had a difficult time dealing with Gill’s illness and had checked out of their lives long before Gill had died. But maybe they would be there for Sofia.
He sent them an email asking them to come for Christmas. Now he just had to wait.
He went into Sofia’s room after he got dressed in a suit and tie for the ballet and found his daughter at her desk, writing on a piece of paper with a large red marker.
“What are you working on?”
She covered the paper with her chubby little hands. “Nothing, Papa.”
He held his hands up. She sometimes made him drawings for his office and never wanted him to see them until she was ready. “I won’t peek. Are you ready for the ballet?”
“I think so. Would you be able to do a bun on the top of my head?” she asked. “Like a ballerina?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Grab your tablet and come over here. We can Google it and I’ll give it a try.”
“Thanks, Papa.”
“Why didn’t you ask Jessie to do this before she left?” he asked her as she sat at the stool in front of her vanity. Their eyes met in the mirror.
“You said you liked learning new things,” she reminded him.
“When did I say that?” he asked her.
“On the first day of school when I wanted to stay home.”
He had said that to her. She had been afraid to leave him and go to school and he had wanted to hold onto her as well; keep her in his presence always so he knew she was safe. But he knew that wasn’t healthy for either of them and he had done his best to encourage her to go to school.
“You’re right, I did say that. But I was thinking of things like reading and math, not putting your hair in a ballerina bun.”
“But this is more fun than math,” she said with a smile and then started giggling. “I bet Uncle Piers doesn’t know how to do this.”
“Just one more thing I’m better at than him,” he said with a smile.
“I wish I had a brother to be better than,” Sofia said.
“Sof, do you really?” he asked.
“I know I can’t because of Mommy.”
She put on the video on YouTube that demonstrated how to make the bun but he couldn’t stop thinking about what she said. He hadn’t thought of their family beyond the two of them. Sure, he liked Iona and wanted to see her again but another child … another wife? He wasn’t sure he’d ever have the courage to let anyone else into his heart again.