The ballet had been on December 9th and since then Iona had been careful to keep her distance from Sofia and Mads. But neither of the Erikssons would let her. Sofia stopped by the Candied Apple Café after school with her nanny and talked to Nick the Wednesday after the ballet and apologized for spilling her cocoa. And then she played with Lucy, Hayley’s rescue miniature dachshund in Iona’s office while Jessie went to buy presents for Mads and Sofia.
“I told Papa we should get a dog, but he said that I needed to prove I could listen before we could get one,” Sofia said.
She was sitting on the floor holding the miniature dachshund on her lap. The little dog was very patient with Sofia and had allowed her to tie a bow around her neck and had posed for several selfies with the little girl. Iona snapped a photo of her with Lucy and texted it to Mads, even though she was trying to keep her distance from him. But she knew he’d love to see his daughter smiling so broadly.
“That’s a good idea. Dogs take a lot of work,” Iona said. “She belongs to Hayley but Cici and I help watch her all the time. You can’t just leave her alone for a long time.”
“I know that. Miss Pembroke told us all about it. And that sometimes Santa wouldn’t bring you things you asked for if he didn’t think you could handle it,” Sofia said.
Iona smiled to herself. “What did she say after that?”
“Just that parents should be the ones buying a dog. You can’t ask Santa for just anything.”
Iona saved the document she’d been trying to work on and leaned forward. “Like what?”
“Anything your Papa can’t get for you,” she said. “He can’t make sick people well. Papa said sometimes people want something so badly they de-something themselves.”
“De-something?”
“I can’t remember the word but it’s like fool themselves,” she said.
“Deceive?”
“Yeah, like that,” she said.
“What’s on your Christmas list?” Iona asked her, to change the subject. She hadn’t taken the time to think about the reasons why Mads might have had to tell his daughter that Santa didn’t exist. But hearing Sofia made her a little sad for both Sofia and Mads. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like to disappoint this little girl. To not be able to tell her that everything was going to be okay. But being Sofia, she wouldn’t expect that.
“I was going to ask for a dog, but now I think I’m going to ask for ballet lessons,” she said.
“That’s a good thing. What else?”
“Jessie said I can’t ask for family members.”
“What? What kind of family members do you want? You have your uncle and your grandparents, right?”
“Yeah, but I wanted a brother. Papa is so lucky to have Uncle Piers.”
“He is lucky, but I don’t know if your Papa is ready for another kiddo right now,” Iona said gently.
“Do you think so?” Sofia asked.
“Yes. Plus, it sounds like fun having a brother but that means that you have to share everything,” Iona said.
“You like your brother, is that because you never had to share with him?” Sofia asked.
Iona realized she’d opened a can of worms. Why couldn’t Sofia have just wanted a new doll or a bike? Iona was the first to admit she really wasn’t too sure she understood what kids wanted and Sofia was teaching her a lot.
“Theo and I don’t mind sharing, plus we like different things,” Iona said. They had always been close. She was forced to admit that she missed talking to her brother since she’d been so busy at the Candied Apple Café. He’d been a part of her circle of friends not because of proximity but because he was more than just a relative. “I got my feelings hurt by something and have felt weird talking to him ever since.”
Lucy jumped down from Sofia’s lap and trotted towards the door. Sofia looked over at Iona.
“She might need to go outside. Want to come with me to take her?”
“Yes,” Sofia said. “I feel that way about Remy. He’s been pretty nice to me since I apologized.”
Iona bent to put Lucy’s leash on before opening the back door that led to the alley behind the Candied Apple. “His family seemed friendly.”
Sofia shrugged. Iona wondered if she’d finally indicate what had upset her that night they’d run into them. But the little girl just stood in the doorway staring at the dog, which sniffed around to find the right place to do her business.
“He has a brother and a mommy,” Sofia said softly.
Iona looked away from Lucy and back at Sofia. “Not every family has a mommy and daddy and brother or sister.”
“I know that,” Sofia said. “I know that my mommy is gone so that’s why I didn’t think about asking Papa for one.”
“My friend Hayley doesn’t have any siblings. It’s just her and her dad.”
“Really?”
“Yes. And then Cici has two half-brothers,” Iona said. “There’s not just one way a family can be. And sometimes your family can be people who aren’t even related to you.”
“Really?” Sofia asked. “Like who?”
“Cici and Hayley are like my sisters. We started out as friends and became much more.”
“I don’t have any friends like that,” Sofia said.
“You have Jessie,” Iona pointed out.
She nodded and then Lucy ran back to them and they took the dog back inside. Hayley offered to show Sofia how to use the chocolate mold to make candies and she went off to learn. Iona went back into the office, thinking more about her brother than she had allowed herself. She decided she’d take the evening off and then she texted Theo before she could change her mind and invited him to come over for dinner.
***
Mads saw the text from Iona when he was in the middle of a meeting and forced himself to ignore it until it was over. He had to smile when he saw his daughter holding Hayley’s dog. Though Iona had been insistent that they should give each other some space, since the ballet they’d still been seeing each other a lot. And Sofia wasn’t about to lose her new friend. She’d told him this morning that she wanted to be more like Iona.
He wasn’t entirely sure what it was that she wanted to emulate but she had been smiling more often and he noticed that she seemed to be trying a lot of different holiday things. So far, they had established one new tradition. They read a different holiday book each night before Sofia went to bed. Some of them were religious-based, others were books about puppies or elves. And Sofia had enjoyed them all. He had ordered a few new ones that Amazon had delivered to his apartment that afternoon, so tonight they’d have some more to choose from.
His brother was flying in this weekend and they were going to take Sofia to see the Rockettes. One of the women that Piers used to date a few years ago had a friend who was in the show and had offered them tickets. So, they were going. Sofia hadn’t cried again since the night they’d been out with Iona at the Candied Apple. But she had been dropping hints that she thought their family was too small.
He worried she might think that something would happen to him and she’d be all alone. So, he’d been on at Piers to come and visit more frequently. Which wasn’t easy given he ran a hotel on the West Coast.
Lexi knocked on his door and then leaned in, “Call on line one. It’s Sofia’s school.”
“Thank you. I’m sending a photo to the printer. Would you make sure there is printer paper in it?”
“Certainly.”
She closed the door behind her and he picked up the call. “Mads Eriksson.”
“Mr. Eriksson, this is Miss Pembroke, Sofia’s teacher. I’m returning your call.”
“Thank you,” he said. “I just wanted to check in and see if Sofia was doing better in class after the incident with Remy.”
He heard the shuffling of papers on the other end and used his thumb to flip through the saved pictures on his phone. He had two photos from Iona. One was of the three of them at the Nutcracker. He hesitated with his thumb over the delete button but he knew he couldn’t get rid of it. That picture was … well, he wasn’t deleting it. He pushed it aside and pulled up the photo of Sofia with the puppy and hit print.
“She hasn’t gotten into any more arguments with anyone. She does seem a little lost when we get into the Christmas stuff. I’ve been helping to steer her towards finding the things that will work for her.”
“What can I do?” Mads asked.
“She mentioned you were starting some traditions and I think that’s a good place to start. Honestly, each child is different and most days Sofia seems pretty easy going and happy. Occasionally something will throw her off but I think you’re doing everything you can for now,” Miss Pembroke said.
That wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He wished the teacher would give him a list of thing she could check off that would guarantee that Sofia would be able to get through Christmas and adjust to it. “Should I take her out of school and go on a vacation for the holidays?”
She sighed. “I really don’t think that would help. She is already contemplating what’s unique about Christmas. I think staying here will be better for her in the long run.”
Mads couldn’t really just leave the Common or New York City for a few weeks and he knew that. But for Sofia he would do what was needed. “Thank you for your time, Miss Pembroke. If anything changes, please call me.”
“I will,” she said.
She hung up the phone and Mads sat back in his chair, knowing there were no easy answers to parenting. It had been this way since Sofia had turned two and Gill had received her diagnosis. He’d been on his own dealing with every decision for their daughter and he had big shoulders, he could handle the weight of those decisions, but there were times when he just was so unsure of what to do with his daughter. He just wanted someone to talk to. Someone who wasn’t Piers, who had even less of a clue about little girls than Mads did.
Iona might be able to help. Sofia spent a lot of time with her. Jessie was happy to give Mads her opinions but she was an employee, which she always pointed out. He opened the text conversation where Iona had sent him the photo of his daughter.
He started to type in there, asking her if she was free that evening, but in the end he just deleted the message. She’d asked him to give her space and he needed to respect that.
It didn’t matter that he dreamt of her in the middle of the night when he couldn’t control his thoughts. It didn’t matter that sometimes he picked up his scarf and caught a whiff of her perfume on it. Or that he still remembered how her lips felt under his. He wasn’t ready to commit to her, not like she needed him to.
And every time he thought of just reaching out he remembered the look on her face when she said she didn’t want to be hurt again. And he knew that even though he’d been thinking that he wasn’t stuck in stasis any longer, he was a long way from being able to care for Iona the way he knew she deserved to be cared for.
***
Iona checked her appearance in the mirror for the fifth time as she waited for Nico and Theo to show up. She was excited to see her family and realized she wanted Mads and Sofia to join them. But she didn’t want it to be awkward, so she waited until the last minute to dash out of her apartment and down the hall to them.
There was a battery-operated light-up penguin with a Santa hat on their front door. She smiled as she noticed it. Slowly Sofia and Mads were figuring out what they liked and didn’t like for Christmas and that made her feel good. She knocked on the door.
She waited a few minutes, during which she debated just going back to her place and waiting for her brother.
But then the door opened and it was Mads wearing an apron that read TRUST ME I’M THE COOK. He had a bit of flour on his chin and he was wiping his hands on a towel.
“Iona. We weren’t expecting you tonight,” he said. “You look very nice.”
She smoothed her hands down the side of her sleeveless Ralph Lauren fit and flare dress. It was in a festive gold fabric and she’d pulled her hair up and taken her time with her make-up to ensure she looked her best.
“Thank you. I’m sorry I bothered you. I can see you’re busy.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “We aren’t that busy. Won’t you come in?”
“I can’t. I am expecting Nico and Theo at any moment. I invited them over for dinner. And I thought it would be nice to have you two join us,” she said. The words came out in a rush.
“Papa? Are you coming back?” Sofia called from the kitchen.
“In a minute, Sof. Jessie’s in charge until I’m back,” Mads said, beckoning Iona into the apartment. “Why are you coming to invite us just now?”
“I didn’t want it to be awkward, like I’m introducing you to my family, but Sofia is the one who made me realize how lucky I am to have my brother, and instead of working every night I wanted to have a family dinner,” she said.
“We already ate and are baking cookies, but we can come down once they are done,” he said.
That sounded perfect to her. “That sounds good to me.”
“Sofia was planning to bring you some anyway,” he said.
“Okay. Sorry for the last-minute invite. This is so silly.”
Mads shook his head. “Don’t be. You suggested we should cool things off.”
She had and she hadn’t enjoyed that at all. She thought maybe it would give her some perspective and make her realize that the Candied Apple Café was where her attention needed to be, but instead it had only emphasized how much she missed Mads and Sofia.
“And we have done that. I don’t know about you but spending a few days apart hasn’t changed anything for me,” he said.
She was surprised he’d admitted that and she wanted to tell him it was the same for her. But she wasn’t ready to leave herself that vulnerable.
No matter that she’d been very rational when she had decided to not let herself care about Mads. It seemed her heart had a different plan and there was no stopping that.
He looked tired and she wished she hadn’t invited her brother over tonight because she’d love to spend the night talking with Mads and baking cookies with Sofia. But this wasn’t her family. Hers was coming to her apartment and she had to make things right with her brother.
She just looked at him and realized for the first time that all of the relationships she’d been in that she’d thought she’d been committed to, she hadn’t been. Not really. She kept a part of herself safely tucked away. And she only realized it now because she wanted to reach out to Mads but was scared to. She was afraid to take what she wanted from him because she knew he’d lost too much to be able to love like that.
Like she wanted him to.
She simply nodded, then turned to walk away, but he caught her in the hallway. Turned her in his arms and bent to kiss her. It wasn’t one of those sweet, soft kisses that promised things would be all right. It was a kiss of desperation and raw need. She put her arms around him and returned it. With the same longing and fear that she’d been trying to pretend she didn’t feel. Then she pulled away, stepped back and their eyes met, but neither of them said a word.
She walked away and this time he let her go. She was vaguely aware of getting back to her apartment. She glanced at herself in the mirror, her lipstick was messed up but what caught her attention was that wild look in her eyes. She was on the edge. She hadn’t felt like this ever before.
She’d always been so careful to keep her emotions under control. To ensure that she wasn’t like her parents, who had one of those relationships where they either didn’t talk at all or just fought all the time. But now she understood that bottling up what she felt wasn’t the way she wanted to live.
There was a knock on her door and she hesitated. Then used the back of her hand to wipe off the remains of her lipstick before she went and opened the door, forcing a smile on her face.
Nico and Theo waited there. They had flowers and wine and she looked at her brother standing there so nervous.
“Hey, guys. Thank you for coming over despite the short notice.”
“We wouldn’t miss it,” Theo said, handing her the flowers, and he came into the apartment first and brushed his lips against her cheek.
Nico hugged her and then handed her the bottle of wine. “I’m glad. I’ve missed you both and I want to hear all about your wedding plans.”