PROTECTOR #3
“So, what made you stop drinking?” I asked.
“Long story,” he mumbled.
“Well, it seems I’ve got nothing but time,” I replied in a slightly sassy tone. Brian smiled a little and then shrugged. “Seriously, I’ve told you all kinds of messed up stuff about me, now it’s your turn. I’m sincerely asking to know more about you.”
“You really want to know?” he asked.
“Yes, I really do want to know,” I replied, smiling.
“It wasn’t hard to decide that I wanted to quit drinking,” he began. “It’s just that it took a lot longer to get to the point where I could stop.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because by then it was both a part of who I was and a way of dealing with all of the horrible stuff I’d seen,” he admitted. “Drinking is a part of Navy culture. It’s what you do to bond with other sailors, it’s how you spend your down time, and it’s what we did in the war zone to help us forget what we’d seen and, sometimes, what we’d done.”
“So, when did you start drinking?” I asked as I sat up, pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on one as I watched him talk.
“Oh, I started that when I was young,” he waved a hand dismissively as he chuckled. “My whole family was a bunch of drinkers who were into working hard and playing harder. The Navy was a tame version of what I’d grown up with, so I fit right in. And I could usually outdrink everyone. The problem was that in my family there was a strict line between work and play, and you knew when to stop playing and start working. In the Navy, that line got blurred after boot camp, and I watched a lot of really good sailors get sucked under when they couldn’t figure out where to draw it.”
“What do you mean? I thought you guys were under strict orders and that you couldn’t get away with stuff or you’d be kicked out.” I was confused, but intrigued at this inside look into his life.
“It’s not like the movies, if that’s what you’re asking,” he said with a wry look. “We don’t have drill sergeants barking at us 24/7, and while we’re expected to keep things in tip-top shape, there’s a whole lot of leeway once you’re out of basic training. It’s like with anything, really. The rules start out super strict and then kind of lose their grip the more you know how to circumvent them.”
“Oh, I get it,” I said. “It’s like boarding school. They crack down on the first years and then ease up when they know you know the rules, and you figure out how to work around them without totally flaunting that you’re breaking them.”
“Yeah, kind of like that,” he said with an eye roll. “The Navy is totally like a rich boarding school.”
“You know what I mean!” I laughed as I tossed a pillow at his head and narrowly missed.
“That aim might be good enough for boarding school, but you’d never make it in the Navy,” he laughed as he picked up the pillow and tossed it back at me, hitting me squarely in the face.
“Well, I’m not a trained assassin!” I laughed harder. Brian stopped laughing and looked away. I waited for a moment and then offered, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“I know,” he said. “Just hit a little too close to home.”
“So, you were telling me about how you stopped drinking,” I reminded him.
“A lot of the story is about how I started,” he said as he picked at the hem of my bedspread. “It became a habit while I was over here in the States, and then once we were deployed to Iraq, it became a necessity. It’s boring over there, a lot of sand and heat and not a lot to do when you’re not out on a mission. So, we lifted weights, played video games, and drank.”
“So it was the habit that made you stop?” I asked.
“No, it was the nightmares,” he said as he stood up and walked over to the window. “I couldn’t control the nightmares when I drank, so I saw a shrink and he told me to stop drinking.”
“And you did? Just like that?”
“No, not ‘just like that’” he laughed sadly. “It took a stint in rehab to get dried out and then they tried to send me to a shrink to make sure it stuck, but I said no thanks. I’m fine with just not being drunk, I don’t need some doctor picking at my brain to find out why I’m drinking. I already know why.”
“So, you went to rehab?” I asked.
“Yeah, I had to get out of the environment I was in so that I had a fighting chance of quitting,” he watched me as he explained. “After I was discharged, I didn’t have a job lined up or anything, so I had to go back home for a while, but home is where the whole thing got worse.”
“How so?”
“Well, like I said, they’re hard workers and hard drinkers, so I fit right in,” he stopped and looked away for a long while before turning back to face me. “They didn’t understand what had happened to me in Iraq. Hell, I don’t think I understood what had happened to me, but the nightmares got worse when I was home. I knew there was a problem, but I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. All I wanted to do was drink it away.”
“But if the drinking was making it worse, why did you keep doing it?” I asked.
“My life isn’t like yours, Ava,” he explained. “I don’t have a whole lot of options, you know? The VA makes you wait for everything, so even if I’d wanted treatment, I couldn’t have gotten it for months, but at that point, I didn’t even want it. I hadn’t hit bottom yet.”
Not knowing what to say, I simply nodded as I listened. I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant when he said that his life wasn’t like mine, but I knew if I listened, he’d explain.
“It wasn’t until the night that I wrapped my car around a utility pole on a dark county road and walked away without a scratch that I realized I had a real problem.” He took a deep breath. “I could have died, or worse, killed someone else, and, at that moment, I knew that if I didn’t get my drinking under control I most likely would.”
“It’s a miracle that you weren’t killed,” I whispered.
“Don’t think I don’t know that,” he said. “I thank the higher power every single day that I wake up!”
“So if you’re sober, then why were you so mad about what happened last night?” I asked.
“Look Ava, I know it’s hard for someone who has never had a problem with alcohol to understand, but it’s not something that ever goes away,” he turned and stared at me as he talked. “I haven’t lost the urge to drink, I’ve just gotten better at managing it, but last night reminded me how little it would take for me to tip it back over to the other side, and I just don’t want to find myself in the position of having to make that choice.”
“I’m so sorry, Brian,” I apologized. “I had no idea. I’m sorry that I took you to that party and I’m sorry I put you in that position.”
“No apology necessary,” he waved me off. “You didn’t know.”
“Yes, but now that I do, I promise not to do that again,” I vowed.
“It’s not a crisis. I just don’t want to be tempted and find out that I’m not strong enough to resist temptation.” He smiled a little as he turned and walked toward the door. “Now, don’t you think you’ve stayed in bed long enough for one day? Get up and let’s get going!”
“Yes, sir!” I laughed as I saluted.
“Klein, your salute still sucks,” he threw over his shoulder as he walked out the door and left me to get dressed.
“Hey, do you want to grab some breakfast and go take it out by the lake?” I yelled as I pulled on my clothes.
“Up to you,” came the response.
“No, I’m giving you a choice!” I laughed.
“I’m serious, it’s up to you, Ava,” he replied. “But it’s pretty nice outside today.”
“Then all you had to do was say yes!” I shot back as I continued laughing. “You’re so frustrating sometimes!”
“Yes. Yes I am,” he yelled back. “But then so are you, Ms. Klein. So. Are. You.”
I laughed harder as I finished lacing up my shoes, then pulled my hair into a ponytail and grabbed my wallet and sunglasses. I looked around the room to make sure I hadn’t missed anything, and then, feeling guilty, I walked over and quickly made the bed. I rolled my eyes as I realized that Brian’s orderly ways were rubbing off on me, but then I smiled because it felt kind of nice to have a made bed for a change. As I walked out into the front room, Brian quickly put down his phone and stood up.
“Who was that?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s nothing, just work,” he replied as he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. “Ready to go? Um, you might want to take a jacket, it’s a little chilly out there.”
“Uh, okay, Mom,” I laughed as I grabbed my jacket and exited through the door he held open.
“Hey! I’m just trying to be thoughtful!” he protested.
“Yeah, I know, and it’s all sarcasm anyway. My mother would never remind me to take a jacket,” I said. “In fact, she would be more likely to tell me to leave it behind because it ruined the line of my dress or something.”
Brian nodded as he closed the door and headed down the hallway. It was moments like these when I wasn’t sure if he wanted to comfort me or mock me, so I followed behind him and headed out into the sunshine. My head was still aching from all the alcohol, but the warm sun helped ease some of the pain while simply being able to move helped my queasy stomach. When I suggested we stop by the corner fruit market and pick up something for our breakfast picnic, Brian nodded and led the way.
We wandered the aisles of the market choosing bread, cheese, fruit, and two huge cups of coffee to top it off. At the register, I swiped my card and smiled at the cashier as Brian grabbed the bag, and for a moment, it felt like my life was entirely normal. I was a normal college girl here at the store with her normal boyfriend getting some food for a normal picnic on a normal Saturday morning, but as the reality set in, I felt deflated. My life was anything but normal, and Brian wasn’t my boyfriend. He was only here to protect me from my psychotic ex-boyfriend who wanted me back. I shook my head to try and rid myself of the thoughts that were spinning in my mind.
“You okay?” Brian asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just…” I trailed off as we walked toward the river looking for a nice spot to lay out our meal.
“Just what?” he asked curiously.
“I’m just thinking about how normal this all looks and how not normal it is,” I replied.
“Ah, yes. Psychological dissonance, a good friend of mine,” he smiled as he reached up and patted my shoulder. “Don’t worry, it’ll all be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end!”
“Oh my God, you did not just say that,” I blurted.
“Yep, I sure did!” he chuckled. “I thought you might appreciate the humor.”
“I appreciate your attempt at humor,” I said dryly as I raised an eyebrow behind my sunglasses.
“Oooh, harsh! You’re a tough audience!” he laughed harder at my feeble attempt to maintain a straight face, and soon I, too, was laughing as we walked.
As we walked along the river in silence, I thought about how much had changed in the past several days, and how grateful I was to have Brian around to help me through it. I’d been really angry at my father for going behind my back and hiring Brian, but I had to grudgingly admit that it had been a good choice, and not just because he and I had chemistry. I actually found myself enjoying being around him. There was a comfortable sense of familiarity in our pairing, and I liked the fact that even though I enjoyed talking with him, I didn’t feel like I had to always be talking.
I snuck a peek at him in my peripheral sight and thought about how handsome he was. Tall and broad-shouldered, he walked like a man who had a clear sense of purpose and didn’t seem to be afraid of anything – not even talking about the difficult parts of his recovery process. Although, there was more to that, I knew, and I wanted to hear about the whole thing, but right now didn’t seem like the time to continue the conversation. Plus, I was enjoying the companionable silence.
“You’re quiet,” I said softly as we walked.
“Just thinking,” he replied.
“Dare I ask what about?”
“Dunno,” he shrugged. “Lots of things; how nice the sunshine feels on my face, how the water sparkles when the light hits it, how nice it is to be able to walk along in silence and not feel awkward. It’s nice.” Afraid to continue interrupting the silence, I simply nodded in agreement and earned a wide smile from Brian.
We walked for a few more minutes until I spotted the perfect place for our picnic. “Oooooh, c’mon!” I shouted as I took off running towards a place next to the river that was covered in clean, green moss; almost as if someone had laid down a blanket for us on the green. Brian smiled again as he followed with the bag of goodies, and, once he reached my chosen spot, began methodically unpacking it. After he’d finished setting out the food, he leaned back on his elbows and watched me, or at least I thought he was watching me—it was hard to tell when he was wearing his sunglasses.
*****
“How’s your breakfast?” Brian asked as he popped a ripe, red strawberry into his mouth.
“It’s helping,” I smiled as I took another bite of my bread and cheese. My stomach was still queasy from the night before, but breakfast and the fresh air were helping calm it.
“Laying off the partying might also help,” he said in a mock-fatherly tone that caused me to do a double take.
“Yeah, well…” I hesitated. “It’s not like I party every night. I mean, some people around here are out of control. I just let loose on the weekends.”
“So this is how you spend all of your Saturdays?” he asked.
“No!” I objected. “Well, kind of…”
“I see.”
“What? Are you saying I have a problem?” I felt defensive and resented his insinuation. “I don’t, you know. I don’t have a problem.”
“Uh huh,” he nodded without saying anything.
“I don’t!” I protested. “I party on the weekends and I attend class and get good grades! I’m not a screw-up who can’t control herself.”
From behind his dark glasses, Brian looked at me without saying a word.
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry,” I quickly apologized. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Of course you did,” he said with a shrug. “But you’re not talking about me, you’re talking about you.”
“I just meant that I have a handle on what I’m doing and it’s not getting in the way of my classes,” I explained. “But I can see where it might be a good idea not to do this every weekend.”
“Your call,” he said as he sipped from his steaming Styrofoam cup. “I mean, it’s not like I don’t wish I could party sometimes. I do. It’s just that the consequences are so awful that I know that if I did, I’d probably wind up in jail—or worse.”
“It’s that bad for you?” I asked as I reached for a berry.
“It’s that bad,” he affirmed.
“Well, it’s not that bad for me,” I said. “I don’t drink to avoid anything, it’s more like…”
“Like you use it to become someone else when being plain old you isn’t good enough?” he finished.
“Yeah, it’s a lot like that,” I admitted. “Sometimes I just want to escape from my own skin and be someone else. Someone who is totally not me.”
“I get it,” he affirmed. “My problem was that I drank because I never wanted to be myself and alcohol was the only way to avoid being me.”
“I don’t want to avoid being me all the time, I just drink when I feel like I’m becoming the me I used to be,” I admitted.
“Either way, there are days I still have to fight to hold on and accept that I’m the me that I am right now—even when I don’t like that me,” he said.
“Well, I can assure you that the you that you’ve become is still not missing out on much in terms of the aftereffects,” I said with a grim look.
“Oh, I recall those mornings,” he laughed. “Somehow the memories never really go away. Maybe that’s a blessing in disguise.”
“Maybe…” I responded. “How did you get past these awful mornings? What did you do instead?”
“That’s when I really developed a love of the great outdoors,” Brian said brightly.
“Weren’t you always in the outdoors in the Navy?” I asked as I ate another strawberry.
“I’ve always loved nature, but the SEALs training wasn’t really about being ‘one with nature’,” he explained. “We spent a lot of time outside, but it was less about appreciating the surroundings and more about defending the territory or whatever.”
“Or whatever?” I questioned. I was genuinely interested in what he’d done and seen while in the service, but I didn’t know how to ask about it without sounding like a gawking jerk.
“Yeah, whatever,” he said firmly, closing the door on that line of inquiry. “SEALs training is all about rescue and survival tactics, so I learned a lot about how to live on very little food and how to navigate my way out of just about any location on the face of the earth, but I didn’t spend a whole lot of time contemplating my human existence. I mean, we were, after all, there to do a job.”
“But aren’t you guys the ones who do all the brave heroic rescues?” I asked. “Aren’t you the ones that whenever someone is in trouble the president calls and asks to solve the problem?”
“Oh yeah, definitely,” he said as he dramatically rolled his eyes. “We’re on the president’s speed dial, best buds and all.”
Before I could stop it, a small burble of laughter escaped from my lips and I quickly bit my tongue to contain it. Sheepishly, I looked over at Brian, only to find him shaking with silent laughter himself.
“You’re so mean!” I cried.
“What? I’m mean?” he laughed harder at my mock outrage. “Because I’m laughing at the fact that you think Navy SEALs are gods?”
“No! I mean, yes! Wait, what?” I was confused. “Why are you laughing?”
“Because you take me so seriously,” he chuckled.
“Shouldn’t I?”
“Sometimes, you should,” he replied as he took another sip of his coffee.
“Ick! Isn’t that cold by now?” I interjected as I watched him drink.
“A little, but it’s not bad,” he said taking another sip. “You should have tasted the stuff we drank while out on patrol. Now that was disgusting.”
“I can’t even imagine,” I said as I poured the last bit of my own cold coffee onto the riverbank and tossed the empty cup into the trash bag. “And yet you still like to be outdoors? Roughing it?”
“Oh, my outdoor treks couldn’t even remotely be considered roughing it,” he laughed again. “I camp in relative luxury these days. A sleeping bag, food supplies, and dry socks are all I need to get out and get away from civilization and all its headaches. It helps me stay sane and balanced.”
I nodded as I listened to him describe the beauty of solo trekking and the ways in which it kept him grounded and focused on what mattered—sobriety.
“Have you ever been camping, Ava?” he asked.
“Who? Me?” I was shocked by the question, and I laughed as I said, “Have you actually met me?”
Brian’s response was loud, deep laughter that seemed to come from somewhere deep inside. I’d never heard someone laugh so hard at something I’d said, and his laughter sparked my own. “Right, I can see it now,” he gasped. “You’d bring a backpack full of shoes and hair products!”
“No, I wouldn’t!” I cried indignantly. “I’d have some makeup, too!”
Brian roared and added another layer to the list of things I’d be packing for a camping trip, to which I added a few more essentials. Soon we were laying on the riverbank laughing so hard we both had tears rolling down our cheeks. It took a while for us to calm down, but once we did, Brian pushed himself up to lean on his elbow and gave me a serious look.
“Stick with me and you’ll learn to pack properly, kid.”
“Uh, you’re not that much older than me, soldier,” I replied smiling. “And I can pretty much guarantee that I’m probably not going to get on board with this full-on camping agenda.”
“Never say never,” he shot back smiling.
“I never do,” I laughed.
*****
As Brian reached out to run his fingers through my hair, the sound of cracking branches put us both on alert. There was something moving in the bushes down on the riverbank, and in an instant, Brian was on his feet with one hand on the gun under his hoodie. He motioned to me to stay where I was. I nodded and waited in silence as he checked our surroundings.
Another twig snapped, and Brian crouched low to the ground as he moved quickly toward the sound. I opened my mouth to ask him what he thought it was, but he held up his hand in the universal sign for “stop” and I swallowed my question. As he swept his eyes across the brush-covered bank, I could see his hand tighten on the butt of his gun. I held my breath as he pushed back a clump of branches. Nothing. He moved to the next pile of brush, and as he pushed a few branches aside, a small, frightened bunny scurried out and ran across the grass toward the safety of an unmolested bush. I let out a small, startled scream, and quickly covered my mouth as Brian shot me a warning look followed by an amused grin.
He quickly scanned the rest of the bank and found nothing out of order, I looked up at him and said, “Maybe it was just the bunny meeting up with a bird or a squirrel in the underbrush?”
“Yeah, maybe,” he said, laughing a little as he sat back down next to me. His eyes never stopped scanning the bushes even as he returned to absently stroking my hair. Although he’d snapped back into the role of my bodyguard, I still saw him as the fun guy he’d been only minutes before, and I wanted to find a way back to the carefree conversation we’d been having before the underbrush noises interrupted us. I tried putting my hand on his arm, but he shrugged it off, and when I reached up and stroked his cheek, he looked down only briefly before returning to his watch.
“Hey, Brian?” I said quietly.
“Yeah? What?” He was back in scanning mode and paid little attention to me and our picnic as he continued his lookout.
“Hello?” I said a little louder.
“Ava, what do you want?” his voice was both irritated and worried, so I stopped pushing and just sat quietly as he attempted to figure out what had made the noise in the bushes. I appreciated the care and concern, but I also wanted the guy who’d been having such a good time with me back as quickly as possible. So, I hopped up and walked over to the bushes and pulled them apart with my hands, yelling, “Hey! Whoever you are, come out right now and stop playing around!”
An instant later, I felt the full weight of a body violently shoving me to the ground with a force that knocked the wind out of me as I landed on my back on the bank. I looked up to see Dominic’s face hovering over me.
“You ungrateful little bitch,” he hissed. “After everything I’ve done for you, you go and do this to me? With this loser of a boyfriend?”
I struggled to catch my breath as I tried to push him away, but he’d managed to wrap a hand around my neck and was cutting off my air. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out.
“You’re going to pay for this,” he threatened. “You will pay for your disloyalty.”
Then, I felt his hand leave my throat as Brian yelled, “Let go of her now or I’ll shoot you, and no one will blame me!”
Dominic stood up and looked at Brian for a moment; his bold stare dared Brian to do something, and when nothing happened, he spit on the ground and said in a derisive tone, “That’s what I thought, you coward. You can’t even protect her.” Dominic began laughing as he continued mocking Brian. “What a wimp! You’re holding a gun, and you can’t even protect her. I don’t know what you see in this sad excuse for a man, Ava. He has nothing but a gun, and he’s too afraid to use it!”
By that point, I’d caught my breath and was looking up at Brian, trying to will him not to shoot the gun he held. I knew it could go either way, so I lay there quietly for a moment hoping that Dominic would do what he usually did and walk away, but when he didn’t move, I became afraid that he was planning something sinister. I looked up at Brian, willing him to understand what I was thinking, and he nodded.
“Dom, just stop,” I said quietly as I pulled myself up from the ground. “This makes no sense. You and I are over, and you know it. Why do you keep trying to get me back when you know it’s over?”
“Because it’s not over, you stupid little girl,” he sneered. “You belong to me, and I want you back.”
“But you moved on, Dom,” I reminded him as I watched Brian reach into his back pocket. “You got together with Jordan and you moved on!”
“Jordan?” he laughed. “What the hell? She’s a stupid slut who opens her legs for every man who looks at her. Why would I want a little girl like that? I want a smart, educated woman who will help me achieve my career goals, and that woman is you.”
“You just called me a little girl,” I said with more than a bit of resentment in my voice. Brian still held the gun on Dominic, but I could see that he’d managed to move his phone to the front pocket of his hoodie, and I hoped that he was adept at blind dialing.
“You know what I mean, Ava,” he said as he turned and looked at me. There was something in his look, a kind of coldness that I’d only seen once before, and I shivered at the memory before I looked away. “Ditch this loser and come home with me. You know I can offer you more than he can even dream of. I mean, what does he have? A frayed hoodie, old sneakers and a gun? Really?”
I could see Brian bristle as Dominic pointed out where he was lacking, and I shot a quick look at Brian, hoping that he wouldn’t get caught up in this imaginary pissing match and do something stupid. I could hear the sound of all three of us breathing, and for long seconds none of us moved, and then hearing the sound of sirens in the distance, Dominic suddenly turned and ran back toward campus; his long legs pumping fast as he made his escape.
For a moment, I thought Brian was going to give chase, but instead, he was at my side in an instant, urging me not to move while he checked me for injuries. I tried to assure him that I was fine, but he methodically checked my limbs, torso, and then cringed as he saw the fingerprints Dominic had left on my neck when he’d cut off my air.
“That son of a bitch is going to pay for this,” he muttered.
“Brian, don’t,” I warned. “Just don’t. He’s not worth it.”
*****
“Is everything okay over here?” the campus security officer called as he walked across the grass. “We got an emergency call from this area, but it didn’t identify who the caller was.”
“Yes, we’re fine, officer,” I said in a voice that was far more cheerful than I felt. Brian gave me a strange look, but followed my lead and nodded. I exchanged pleasantries with the officer for a few minutes and when he asked how my father was doing, I saw Brian’s eyebrow raise as he suddenly understood my reticence to get the officer involved in the situation.
“Alright, well, tell your parents I send my best and thank them for the housewarming gift they sent, will you?” he smiled as he shook my hand and then Brian’s before turning and heading back to his car.
“Does your father know everyone?” Brian asked.
“Just about,” I replied with a grimace. “I feel like I’m always under surveillance.”
Brian winced as the words hit their mark, then turned and said, “But maybe he’s got good reasons for trying to ensure your safety.”
It was my turn to wince, and I nodded and then shrugged. “Perhaps.”
“I think we should head back to the dorm, Ava,” Brian suggested. “Who knows where that nutjob went, and if you’re not going to report him, then we need to be somewhere safer so I can better monitor the situation.”
“Why do we have to let him dictate what we do?” I protested. “He ran off like the coward he is, so there’s nothing to worry about!”
“Unfortunately, I do think there’s something to worry about,” Brian said seriously. “He’s obviously becoming bolder and more dangerous. He choked you, Ava!”
“That?” I said. “Oh, that’s nothing! I’m used to that with him, and that’s not violent.”
Brian stood staring at me with his mouth open for a long while before he shook his head and bent down to pick up the trash bag and remnants of our picnic. “I don’t even want to know…” he murmured as he put his hand on my lower back and guided me back to the path that led to campus. “Ava, he is getting progressively bolder and I’m afraid he’s using these confrontations as a means of measuring how much he can get away with.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I was used to Dominic’s strange and erratic behavior, after all, I’d lived with him for a year and things had been much weirder back then. Brian had no way of knowing that this was mild in comparison to what Dominic used to be like.
“I mean, I think he is planning to really harm you,” Brian said. “I don’t think you’re safe.”
I nodded to indicate that I understood what he was saying, but down deep, I didn’t actually believe Dominic was capable of doing anything that bad. How could he hurt me? He said he loved me, didn’t he? The thoughts raced through my brain as we briskly walked back to the dorm. The earlier playfulness had disappeared, and I felt frustrated.
“He’s not a bad person, you know,” I said quietly. “He was actually quite good to me at times.”
“Oh, really?” Brian said as he scanned the path ahead of us never taking his hand off of the gun at his side. “Could have fooled me.”
“You don’t have to be so judgmental,” I pouted.
“I’m not being judgmental at all,” he replied. “I’m simply concerned about your safety as it’s my job to ensure it, and if you won’t report him, then I have to figure out another way to keep you safe.”
“Yeah, that’s right, don’t piss off my father,” I was being stubborn and I knew it, but he was being stubborn, too. “God forbid that Daddy Dearest gets wind of this mess and actually steps in and says something.”
For the rest of the walk back to the dorm, Brian said nothing. He simply scanned the landscape from behind his dark glasses while I stomped ahead; angry for reasons I wasn’t even sure I understood.
*****
“So, tell me more about Dominic,” Brian said as he locked the door to my dorm room and then double-checked it to make sure no one could get in.
“There’s nothing more to tell,” I replied as I grabbed the remote and turned on the television. Brian walked over and shut it off, then turned and stared at me for a minute.
“I’m serious,” he said. “I need to know what happened between the two of you.”
“You know, sometimes you are a real pain in the ass,” I said with an exasperated sigh. “I don’t want to talk about Dominic or my relationship with him or anything else about my life if you’re going to be so judgmental!”
“Ava, you don’t understand,” he said as he sat down on the couch next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. “I’m not trying to be judgmental, I want to know more about you and Dominic so that I can figure out how to better protect you.”
“Well, it feels more like an inquisition than an inquiry,” I shot back.
I sat staring out the window for a long time. I couldn’t look at Brian because I didn’t want him to see what I was thinking, but I knew that he was right. The more I could tell him about Dominic, the better he’d be able to anticipate his next move. I was torn, though. I didn’t know if I could go back down that road and tell Brian about my life with Dominic while I felt so conflicted about it. I wasn’t sure if Brian would understand why I still felt drawn to Dominic despite what had happened and why I’d left.
Heck, I wasn’t even sure I understood it.
“Ava, it’s okay,” Brian said. “I know this isn’t easy for you to talk about, but I’m not going to judge you. What happened is in the past, but I need as much information as possible to keep you safe.”
“I know,” I admitted. “But I don’t like the fact that I need protection in the first place. I don’t like needing someone else to keep me safe.”
“I know you don’t,” he said. “But right now it’s the reality, and you have to accept that.”
I looked away and thought about how this entire situation had gotten so far out of control. How do I tell him about this whole mess? What is he going to think of me? As my mind raced, I thought about what I’d already told him about Dominic and tried to figure out how to explain the darker parts of our relationship. I wasn’t sure he could handle it, and I wasn’t sure that I would be able to handle his reaction, but I knew that Brian wasn’t simply going to stop asking questions.
I took a deep breath and began.
“He wasn’t always like this,” I explained. “Or at least, he hid it really well at the beginning of our relationship. He was so incredibly sweet and attentive. He’d bring me flowers and little gifts, things that showed he’d been paying attention to what I did and said.”
Brian nodded as he listened, and I cringed as I thought about how these acts of kindness had actually been manipulation rather than love.
“It took me a really long time to realize that he’s a sadist,” I said as calmly as I could. “He enjoys torturing people and he does it often, and without remorse. In fact, he actually finds his sadistic games arousing.”
Brian reached down and took my hand as he listened intently. He didn’t say a word as I spilled the sordid details of Dominic’s twisted games; he simply listened.
“I was so naive when I got together with him,” I explained. “I didn’t understand that he was grooming me to become his partner in crime, and once I’d been dragged to the depths of misery, I didn’t know how to get out. It began so simply, he’d show me something and then tell me it was our secret. He’d confess something and frame it as shameful or hideous so that I’d be compelled to reassure him that it wasn’t. He’d entice me to extend the boundaries of our relationship, both physical and emotional, and then praise me when I’d go with him or punish me if I refused. I can see it now, but at the time, I was so desperate for his attention and affection that I let it cloud everything.”
“It’s okay,” Brian said quietly. “It’s not your fault.”
“Oh, I know that,” I said, rolling my eyes dramatically. I’d been told that more times than I could count, and I was tired of hearing the mantra only because I didn’t fully believe it. I still felt like I was responsible for so much of the twisted activities that Dominic had dragged me into, mostly because I hadn’t had the strength to say no.
“I’m serious, Ava,” Brian repeated. “It’s not your fault.”
“Just stop, okay?” I pleaded. He nodded and squeezed my hand. “It took a couple of months, but I can see now how he was grooming me by breaking me down. He’d get angry about some small infraction of the ‘rules’ that only he knew existed, and then he’d punish me. At first it was just silence, but after the Chem exam incident, he began regularly beating me for all kinds of things. He was so good at it…”
Brian didn’t move a muscle as I told the story.
“He knew just how to slap me hard enough to hurt, but not so hard that it left a mark,” I said, shaking my head. “Or he would leave marks where no one could see them. And as our sex life got more adventurous, he’d often extend the boundaries into non-sexual aspects and make them part of some twisted game. He’d frequently ask to tie me up and practice with his cane. It got so confusing, you know? The boundaries got blurred in a way that I didn’t know what I had actually consented to, and that cane…”
“The cane?” Brian asked confused.
“He had a long, thin cane, about the length of a pool cue,” I said, wincing as I recalled the whistle it would make as it sliced through the air just before slamming into my flesh. “He’d always say that I had the best ass to practice on because it was fleshy enough to take the blows. And he always made me thank him for it as he cleaned my wounds after he was done. He’d dab alcohol on my raw skin, and I’d cry until he finished and then he’d pull me close and stroke my hair. Sometimes he’d tell me how wonderful I was for allowing him to practice something he enjoyed so much, and other times he’d tell me how if I’d just behave the way he wanted me to, he’d never have to use the cane on me again. I was always trying to figure out what was going on, but the rules were always changing, and I never knew what they would be from one day to the next.”
Brian nodded as he listened. There was something about the look in his eyes that told me he understood what I was talking about. He didn’t seem to be judging me, and that made it easier to open up and tell him more.
“He was always plotting revenge on someone,” I said. “He had a list of grudges a mile long, and he told me that these people deserved what they got because they’d broken some rule of his. He was absolutely obsessed with rules and following them, but the weird thing was that he never felt like the rules applied to him. When I’d ask him to tell me what rules he lived by, he’d punish me for being sassy. So I stopped asking and just learned to watch closely so I could figure out what he might want on any given day. But he was never predictable. One day he’d want me to be sweet and innocent and dress in pretty flowered dresses and accompany him to the zoo or a museum, and the next day he’d be yelling at me about dressing like an immature child when he wanted to be with a woman. It was beyond confusing. I had so many different wardrobes and he was constantly changing his mind about how he wanted me to dress and behave.”
I looked away as I recounted the day that I decided not to get up and get dressed until Dominic told me what he wanted me to be. I’d stayed in bed, waiting for him to get out of the shower, and when he entered the room he flew into a rage because I wasn’t up and ready to go. He’d yanked me out of bed and screamed in my face about how lazy I was and demanding that I get up and get dressed. When I asked him where we were going, he’d told me I was being rude and disrespectful and told me I’d need to learn how to follow directions. I was so completely confused, but I’d gotten out of bed and headed to the shower. On the way, I made the mistake of asking where we were going so that I could figure out how I was supposed to dress, and he flew into a rage and beat me until I lay on the floor sobbing as the blood ran from my nose and mouth.
“When he was done, he looked at me and said ‘Go wash your face’ and walked out of the room,” I said as tears slid down my cheeks. Wisely, Brian didn’t move a muscle. He watched and waited until I continued. “I didn’t leave the apartment for two weeks—I couldn’t, not with the black eye and swollen lip. He wouldn’t even look at me. He’d come home and treat me as if I were a piece of furniture. I felt like nothing, like I didn’t exist. It wasn’t until I’d healed that he began talking to me again, and then he was loving and kind. He brought me flowers and chocolates every day. He’d take me out to incredible restaurants or book us a flight to some exotic locale for the weekend, and he’d treat me like a queen while we were there. He’d make love to me in a way that made me feel like he really did love me more than anyone else, and I’d be seduced into thinking that he’d changed. That this time it could be different; that he really loved me and that everything that had happened before had been in my imagination.”
Brian squeezed my hand tightly.
“Until the next time I’d break one of his rules,” I whispered. “And then he’d punish me in ways that…” I shook my head as I tried to clear the memories. I just couldn’t go back down that horrible hole of pain and self-loathing.
“He’d punish you to try and rid himself of his own pain,” Brian said quietly. “You were his canvas.”
I looked up, surprised that he had been able to voice my thoughts so clearly, and shocked that he wasn’t condemning me. I nodded slightly.
“I don’t understand it,” I said. “I don’t understand how he could use me the way he did, and I don’t understand how I allowed myself to be used! I actually felt sorry for him more often than I felt sorry for myself!”
“It’s classic Stockholm Syndrome,” Brian explained. “The abuser psychologically manipulates the victim to the point that the victim feels sympathy for him.”
“I know,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “We’re studying this in Psych class, remember?”
“I do remember,” he said. “But I don’t think you understand how it works. I think you’re being incredibly hard on yourself because you don’t believe that it actually exists and that you are a victim.”
“No, I get it. I get it,” I said. “I was abused, I developed Stockholm Syndrome, I was rescued, I’m fine.”
“Ava,” Brian squeezed my hand again. “It’s not that simple. You can’t just intellectualize abuse and expect that the experience will disappear. Dominic did a number on you and you’re still trying to recover from it. Granted, you’re doing a damn sight better than most people, but you’re still suffering.”
“I’m not suffering!” I shouted. “It was my stupid fault that I got into the situation in the first place!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he demanded.
“I mean, I started dating Dominic to get back at my parents, so it’s my fault that I ended up with a psychopathic lunatic!”
“You can’t actually believe that,” he said solemnly.
“What other explanation is there for it?” I asked. I was pissed at him for lecturing me and for trying to upend my own logical explanation for what had happened and how it had happened.
“Ava, you didn’t invite a psychopathic lunatic into your life,” he said calmly. “You fell for a guy who manipulated your feelings and abused your body until you didn’t know which end was up. That wasn’t your fault. Psychopaths don’t have a conscience like normal people, so they don’t operate within the same rules as people with a conscience. That’s not your fault.”
“But if I hadn’t been so stubborn and tried to rebel against my parents…” I trailed off.
“That has nothing to do with it either,” he said. “Millions of kids rebel against their parents every day, but that doesn’t mean that they are responsible for the behavior of people like Dominic or that they deserve to be abused because they rebelled.”
“But I made the choice!” I yelled.
“Yes, but you made the choice based on the faulty information fed to you by a person who was looking to manipulate and abuse you,” he said quietly. “You’re not responsible for his reprehensible behavior.”
I angrily pulled away from him and buried my face in my hands as I began to sob quietly. When he reached up to touch my shoulder, I shrunk back, and he withdrew his hand.
“It’s okay, Ava,” he whispered. “You’re safe now. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
“I’m never going to feel normal again!” I sobbed.
“No, you probably won’t,” he agreed. “But you’re strong and you have a bright spirit that can withstand just about anything, so you’re going to be okay. I promise. It’s just going to take time.”
“How do you know?” I wept.
“I just do,” he replied as he looked out the window. Then he turned back and asked, “What did your parents think of him?”
“I told you, they never met him,” I said.
“Oh, that’s right. You did tell me that, but why didn’t they meet him?”
“They’re always too busy to be bothered,” I replied. “They drop me off places and then they jet off to whatever meeting or vacation they have planned and forget that I exist until they need me for some publicity campaign or someone makes them feel guilty about ignoring their only child. It’s pretty predictable, really.”
“You’re not serious,” he said.
“Dead serious. They just don’t care about what I do until it affects them,” I said. “The only reason that my father hired you is because he’s testing the waters to see if he should run for Congress and he didn’t want the psycho ex-boyfriend of his only daughter to mess up his polling numbers. If he decides not to run, I’m sure he’ll fire you quicker than you can say boo.”
“C’mon, your dad can’t be that bad,” he said.
“Oh, he’s worse,” I replied. “He doesn’t do anything for anyone unless he can see how it benefits him.”
“Well, as long as I’m on the payroll, I’ll do everything I can to ensure you’re safe,” he said.
“And when you’re not on it anymore?” I asked.
“I’ll stick around and make sure you are safe,” he replied as he put his arm around me.
I nodded and then looked away.
*****
We sat silent for a long time, and I could tell that my revelation about my family didn’t sit well with Brian, but I didn’t know how to make it seem better than it was. Part of me didn’t want to make it seem better because that was my problem to begin with, everything was always painted as a pretty picture rather than looking at the ugly reality.
“I’m doing a lot better than I was,” I said quietly.
“Oh? How so?” he asked.
“I see a therapist and I’ve been able to work towards asserting myself rather than just taking whatever is offered,” I said.
“That explains it,” Brian said with a small grin.
“Explains what?”
“Your stubbornness,” he grinned.
“I am not stubborn!” I shouted, and then burst into laughter as I heard myself. Brian’s laughter mingled with mine, and together we filled the air with the melody of happier sounds.
“What else have you learned?” he asked once we’d wiped our eyes and quieted down.
“I’ve stopped trying to please everyone else,” I said. “Instead, I’m working on doing the things that make me happy. I think that’s the biggest one, really.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that my entire life has been centered on doing whatever it takes to get my parents to love me and pay attention to me,” I said honestly. “I’ve always tried to be the good girl; the good student, the good citizen, the good daughter. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone or upset the balance. I’ve tried to be invisible while also trying to get someone to notice that I exist. I was a people pleaser to the extreme, and it was exhausting. I can see how I was the perfect target for Dominic; the ultimate pet who was constantly seeking his approval.” I cringed as I recalled the ways in which I would grovel in order to get his approval. I wasn’t ready to share that part of things with Brian; he’d never look at me the same again once he knew. Plus, I didn’t want him telling my parents how dark my life had become and how humiliated I’d been.
“How’s that working for you?” he asked.
“It’s a work in progress, but it’s much better than it used to be,” I said. “Now, I figure out what I need first, and then think about what other people need. No more putting everyone else’s needs before my own, and no more denying who I am in order to make someone else feel comfortable.”
“That is probably the healthiest way to live one’s life,” he smiled. “But it’s not always easy to do, is it?”
“It’s really not easy at all,” I said. “I find myself constantly pulled back into the bad habits I’ve spent a lifetime developing, and then I get depressed because it feels like I’ll never change. I lose hope and, well, you see what happens.” I shrugged as I tipped my head and grimaced, recalling the previous night.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Brian offered. “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
“God, I hate that phrase,” I muttered. “Why does everyone think that’s at all helpful?”
“I’m sorry,” he chuckled. “You’re right, it’s kind of stupid to say that to someone who is in the middle of something really stressful and trying to change the situation.”
“It really is,” I said earnestly.
Brian leaned back on the couch and pulled me toward him. I resisted for a moment, and then let myself be pulled into his embrace. It felt good to have his strong arms wrapped around me and feel his chin resting on the top of my head. I pressed my cheek against his chest and listened to him breathing as I closed my eyes and willed myself to relax.
“That’s it,” he whispered into my hair as he gently stroked my back. “Just relax. You’re safe with me, Ava. I promise. I won’t let anything bad happen to you while you’re with me.”
I nodded slowly and tried to believe that what he was promising was true, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to let go and trust him. I wanted to, but I also knew that people often made promises that they couldn’t keep—even when they wanted to.
Maybe he’ll be different.
*****
“What was it like growing up so rich?” Brian asked as he continued to run his hands up and down my back.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean, I grew up in a family that lived paycheck to paycheck, so I can’t imagine what it would be like to have all that money,” he admitted. “I’m just curious what it was like.”
“Well, it’s not as great as you’d think,” I said. “I mean, it’s great in the sense that you don’t have to worry about anything. You always have everything you need and often times even more than you need. I always had new clothes and the best books and games, but then, so did most of my friends, so it was like that was the normal way things were.” I sat and thought about it for a while, and then I tried to explain. “Until I came to college, I really didn’t know anyone who didn’t live like my family lived. It wasn’t that I was totally unaware that other people lived differently than we did, it just wasn’t my reality.”
“That makes sense,” he acknowledged. “I didn’t know what it was like not to live like we lived.”
“I don’t want to compare our lives,” I said. “But being wealthy has it’s own set of challenges that, in many ways, make things less stable. There are rules and ways of behaving that don’t make sense in any other environment, and I always felt like I was being watched. However, I also always felt like I was absolutely alone. Like there was no one there to take care of me because they wanted to, everyone was only part of my life because my father paid them.” I stopped and looked up at him.
“It’s true,” he said. “I’m here because you father hired me, but I’m staying because I care about you, Ava.”
“That’s what they always say,” I lamented. “Until the money stops flowing and they go away. I don’t feel like anyone in my life is permanent because I know that money determines their loyalty.”
“Even your friends?” he asked.
“Lara and Jessie are my friends until they decide that they need someone more powerful or richer to lead the group,” I said.
“Wow, that’s kind of sad.”
“Is it?” I asked. “Or is it simply pragmatic? If I know that most people are going to abandon ship when the money runs out, why would I spend time expecting them to stay?”
Brian considered this for a moment and then nodded in understanding.
“I think that’s why I was so drawn to Dominic,” I said. “He didn’t need me for the money. His family is 10 times wealthier than mine, and so if my money ran out it really didn’t matter. I wanted to believe that he loved me just for me and not for what I could do for him or what I could give him.”
“That makes sense,” Brian agreed.
“The problem was that he also knew that I was the poor little rich girl whose parents really didn’t have a whole lot to do with her, so he knew he could exploit me, but that’s getting away from what you asked,” I reminded him.
He nodded and then said, “Back to what it was like growing up.”
“I was lonely,” I said. “It’s hard to be an only child of really rich parents. They filled my days with all kinds of activities and lessons, and while I’m not complaining about all of the advantages I have because of those things, I always felt so isolated. Alone.”
“Didn’t you have any friends?” he asked. “Kids you could play with and talk to?”
“You don’t understand,” I explained. “In my world, kids playing together was akin to corporate executives getting together for a round of golf. You could be friendly, but you never revealed the secrets behind the mask. I knew better than to talk about my parents or explain how I felt to any of the kids I played with because they might have told their parents, and then the balance of power would have shifted and it could have cost my father money. It’s always about the money.”
“Jesus, what the hell kind of world is that?” he asked.
“It’s a brutal world,” I admitted. “It’s being raised to understand that you are competing with other kids at all times and that the weak will lose. It’s always about winning. And in order to win, you can never, ever let your guard down.”
We sat in silence as my words sunk in, and then Brian said, “I grew up in a neighborhood where we kicked each other’s asses, but we also had each other’s backs when the shit hit the fan.”
“I’ve always wondered what that would feel like,” I admitted. “What it would be like to know that someone always had your back, no matter what. I’ve always felt the opposite of that. Like I’d be torn down and destroyed if I ever let my guard down for even a second, so I developed a really mean outer persona.”
“You, mean?” he said incredulously. “I can’t even imagine it.”
“Oh, believe it,” I said. “I was the ultimate mean girl, but it was totally based on fear and the need to keep everyone at a safe distance.”
“What changed it?” he asked.
“You don’t want to know,” I said.
“Yeah, actually, I do,” he whispered into my hair.
“You won’t like me if I tell you,” I replied.
“I promise that I’ll still like you,” he said. “We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t. But those of us who’ve learned from the experience never forget it.”
I tipped my chin up to look at him as he said this, but his face gave nothing away.
“I was in high school, at an East Coast boarding school, and there was a girl who had a nervous breakdown because we bullied her relentlessly,” I took a deep breath. “It was my fault, I think. I was so mean to her and told her that no one liked her.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked, without moving away.
“I…I…I…was jealous,” I stammered.
“Of what?”
I looked down at the floor and thought about how to explain myself, and then decided that the truth was the best choice. I took a deep breath and said, “The fact that her parents obviously loved her because they were always sending her care packages and came to visit her every few weeks. I was so envious and I hated her for making me feel so unloved, so I tortured her.”
“Like I said, we all do things that we later regret,” Brian said gently. “The question is whether we learn from our mistakes and avoid repeating them.”
“Oh, I learned alright,” I whispered. “I will never forget the lesson I learned.”
“What happened?”
“We bullied her so relentlessly that she tried to kill herself in order to escape,” I said in a small voice. “She didn’t succeed, but she never came back to school. I don’t know what happened to her, but I’ve always hoped that her life got much better after her parents took her out of our nest of vipers.”
“Stop beating yourself up,” he said. “Kids do cruel things because they learn their behavior from the adults around them. Do you still treat people that badly?”
“No! I’ll never be that cruel again!” I cried.
“Then let it go,” he said. “You’re not that person anymore, so stop torturing yourself as if you were.”
“You sound like you know a lot about this kind of thing,” I observed as I looked up at him. Brian shrugged and looked out the window on the other side of the room; his eyes focused on some point far off in the distance.
“Yeah, well, the military is kind of similar to your boarding school,” he said. “Only more brutal, I think.”
“You’ve obviously never lived with high school girls,” I said with a grim grin.
“No, that’s true, I never have,” he smiled a bit. “Maybe we should recruit them into the military as stealth fighters?”
I laughed out loud at the thought of the privileged girls from my boarding school having to rough it in the Iraqi desert. The image of spoiled girls knee-deep in sand and denied their luxuries pushed my laughter into high gear, and soon I was shaking in Brian’s arms as I imagined the way they would respond to being told what to do or how to do it. Brian looked down at me with concern as my laughter morphed into tears, and then pulled me close and held me tightly as the pain leaked from my eyes.
“You’re okay, Ava,” he whispered. “You’re going to be okay.”
“You don’t know that,” I wept. “You really have no idea what Dominic is capable of. He’s evil, Brian. He’s really, truly evil.”
Brian reached down and placed his fingers under my chin so he could tip my face up. With his thumb, he wiped the tears from my cheek and then bent down and lightly kissed the tip of my nose.
“I promise that I will not let him ever hurt you,” he vowed in a solemn voice. “No one will ever hurt you again, Ava.”
“Don’t make promises that you can’t keep,” I fiercely whispered.
“I don’t ever make promises I can’t keep,” was his equally fierce reply.
*****
I stared up at him as I considered his promise. No one had ever promised anything like that, and I was torn between wanting to believe him and wanting to ensure that I wouldn’t be disappointed when he ultimately broke his promise. Despite his willingness to give me all the space I needed and to also be there when the space turned into a dangerous situation, I still didn’t fully trust him. If I was honest, I didn’t trust anyone; not even myself. I wanted to believe Brian when he said he’d keep me safe. I wanted to believe that he’d figure out a way to keep Dominic at bay. But most of all I wanted to believe that what we felt right here and now was real, and that I wasn’t the only one who felt it.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered as he continued to stroke my cheek with his fingertips. “I can’t look away.”
I closed my eyes and sighed as he spoke. I wanted to believe him, but good sense told me that it wasn’t possible for him to be that invested this quickly. I shook my head to clear out the negative thoughts as I felt Brian slipping his fingers into my hair and gently comb through my thick tresses as he bent forward to lightly kiss my forehead. There was something so soft and simple in his actions, and I melted a little as he slipped his hand around the back of my head and pulled me up toward him so that he could brush his lips across mine. He lightly flicked his tongue against my lower lip as he wrapped his other arm around my waist and pulled me tightly against his broad chest.
“I can’t…” I whispered.
“Can’t what?” he breathed into my lips as his fingers played with the loose strands of hair framing my face.
“I can’t do this, Brian,” I almost moaned as he bent his head and left a trail of kisses across my neck before heading farther south.
“Yes, you can, Ava,” he encouraged as he flicked the tops of my breasts with his tongue before slipping a hand under my T-shirt and running it up the side of my body. I shivered as I felt his fingers dipping into my bra and pinching my nipples into erect points that radiated electrical impulses straight to my clit. With one hand he reached around and unhooked my bra, and I moaned softly as he quickly pulled both it and my T-shirt up over my head before bending forward to capture one nipple between his lips.
There was nothing hurried about the way he focused on licking and sucking first one nipple and then the other, and I tried to relax and enjoy the sensual collision of his desire and my need. I reached down and pulled up on the hem of his T-shirt, and he quickly pulled it off, exposing his broad, hairless chest, and I leaned forward to taste his skin. It was smooth and salty and I heard a low groan escape his lips as I left a reciprocal path of fire from one shoulder to the other.
Brian grasped a fistful of my hair and pulled down so that I was forced to look up into his deep blue eyes before he crushed his lips against mine as we tried to release our desire into each other’s mouths. Our tongues probed between each other’s lips as they touched and tangled in a passionate dance that only served to heighten our need. I moaned as I forced my tongue between his lips, and I grabbed one of his hands and tried to force it between my legs. He chuckled into my lips as he pulled his hand back and continued stroking my breasts.
“Why not?” I asked in a raspy voice, full of desire.
“Because I don’t think you want it enough,” he whispered into my chest before he returned to sucking one of my engorged nipples.
“What in the hell does that mean?” I moaned. “How much more do I have to want it?”
“A whole lot more,” he replied quietly. “I want you to beg for what you want. I want it to be the only thing you can think of; the only thing your mind can focus on.”
“How do you know it isn’t already?” I asked in desperate voice.
“Because you’re still talking to me,” he smiled as he returned to the task of torturing my breasts. I groaned as he sucked harder, and then let out a small scream as he lightly bit down on the skin surrounding my swollen nipple. It hurt, and yet the pain coursed through my body in waves of pleasure that I’d never felt before. I felt weak, so when Brian stood up and scooped me off of the couch and carried me to the bed, I was powerless to resist.
He laid me gently on the mattress and set about removing the rest of my clothing before he sat back and let his eyes wander over my exposed body. He’d heightened my desire to such a level that I didn’t feel any shame or embarrassment as he sat staring at me before reaching out and touching my skin. He ran his fingers lightly down my body from my head to my toes and then back up again. The featherlike touch sent shivers up my spine, causing me to raise my hips to try and direct his fingers to touch the aching place between my thighs. What I wanted most was to feel him sink into the wet, velvety folds and stroke my inner walls with his strong, thick cock, but he resisted all of my attempts to find relief.
Instead, he bent over me and lightly kissed my lips before he began to trail his tongue across the tops of my shoulders.
It was agonizing the way he teased and then stopped to watch my face, and although I cried and begged him to take me, he made it clear that the rhythm and timing of his slow descent was his and his alone. He had lost himself in the pleasure of exploring my body and I was helpless to stop him. The stroking fingers, the light caress of his lips, the pain followed by pleasure all combined to drive me to the outer edges of my own desire, and by the time he’d descended to the cleft between my legs, I’d ceased to notice exactly where he was giving me pleasure, and when he slipped his fingers between my engorged lower lips and splayed them open so that he could dip his tongue into my wetness, I thought I would lose consciousness.
“Oh God,” I groaned as my hips bucked upward of their own volition. “Oh God! Oh God, yes!”
Brian moved his hands to the sides of my hips so that he could hold me down against the mattress, but his mouth stayed glued to the mound between my legs and his tongue never ceased its firm probing of the folds that were now so wet and engorged that I cried out for relief. He ran his tongue from top to bottom, stopping only to tease my swollen clit with firm, sweeping strokes before moving lower and probing the tight opening that was now dripping moisture onto the bed. There was no stopping him, so I buried my fingers in his hair and begged him not to stop as I drove my hips upward to meet his mouth.
Soon he let go of one of my hips, and knitting three fingers of his right hand together, he began to work the knobby knot into my slick wet opening. I could feel his thick fingers pushing up inside me as he continued to bathe my clit with his tongue, and the sensation forced moan after moan from my lips. I heard myself saying things I’d never said to anyone before; begging and bargaining as I arched my back and thrust my hips up to meet his fingers, but he would withdraw and continue to keep me hanging on the edge of orgasm.
“Brian! Brian! Please!” I pleaded in a voice hoarse from what felt like hours of begging. “I need to cum! I need it! I need it!”
“You need it, do you?” he asked with a smile as he lifted his head and looked up at me. I was wild-eyed and desperate as I nodded frantically, my hips pulsing against his hand, my fingers still buried in his hair, and as he watched me desperately trying to satisfy the overwhelming need he’d created, he smiled. “I can see that you want it, but do you really need it?”
His question pushed me over the edge, and I burst into frustrated tears as I cried, “Yes! Yes! Yes! I need it!” and as he watched me crying and begging for what I needed, Brian pressed down on my clit with the thumb of the hand he had nearly buried in my pussy, and I rocked against it.
I didn’t even notice that he’d used his free hand to undo his jeans and pull out his completely swollen cock until he had pulled his fingers from me and positioned his shaft between my legs as he began pressing the tip into my opening. I was so wet that it didn’t take much for him to slide inside, and when I felt his cock filling me, I wrapped my arms tightly around him and arched my back to push my hips against his as I tried to drive him deeper.
Brian reached underneath me and grabbed my ass as he slowly pulled his cock back so that only the tip was still inside me before he plunged back in, filling me with his rigid shaft. He did this a few times before he began to stroke my G-spot with the tip of his cock. I could feel him pulling back just enough to be able to quickly push back in over and over, making me moan and beg him for release. He smiled as he bent down and kissed my lips softly before thrusting up into me again.
My arousal was so intense that I couldn’t catch my breath, and I gripped Brian’s upper arms as I tried to force him deeper and deeper. He smiled as he reached up and brushed stray tendrils of hair from my face before he covered my cheeks in soft kisses. I couldn’t stand the agony of waiting, and I heard myself begging him over and over to take me; to make me cum. For a moment, he stopped and looked deep into my eyes and waited for me to reach the edge with him. He watched me as I writhed beneath him, looking for relief in the pressure I felt as our bodies moved together.
Brian slipped a hand between us, and as he began to increase the tempo of his thrusts, he also strummed out a beat on my engorged clit that dragged a low moan from my lips. I felt myself falling over the edge of orgasm only seconds before he groaned as he began to pulse deep inside me and fill me with his warm, thick cum. He collapsed on top of me, pressing his lips to mine as I bore the full weight of his body. It felt safe and warm, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him against me as we lay in silence.
*****
Before long, Brian rolled to one side and pulled me against him wrapping one arm across my body. He was warm and strong, and as I lay pressed against his chest, I could hear his heart beating steadily. There was something comforting and familiar about him, and as I lay in his arms, I drowsily drifted toward sleep.
I didn’t know how much time had passed when I heard the ding of my phone letting me know that an email had been deposited in my inbox. I rolled over and peeked at the lighted screen to see that the message was a reminder that I was supposed to be at a meeting of the Campus Peace Activists the next morning. I was excited about the meeting because I’d been elected president the week before, after a long and contentious campaign. I wanted to share my excitement, so I rolled back over and looked up at Brian, who looked like he was napping.
“What’s going on?” he asked without opening his eyes.
“I’ve got a meeting I need to be at in the morning,” I replied.
“Not another fraternity-related event, I hope,” he smiled, still not opening his eyes.
“No, this is an early morning meeting and those don’t get going until well after sundown,” I deadpanned, then said, “I need to go to my CPA meeting across campus.”
“I did not know you were an accountant,” he said.
“I’m not, silly! It’s the Campus Peace Activist group, I’m the president and I need to be there,” I replied.
“Campus Peace Activists?” he repeated as he opened one eye and looked at me.
“Yes, we protest unjust wars, lobby our representatives, and basically oppose all acts of unprovoked violence against citizens of the world.” I proudly recited the mission statement that we’d spent weeks hammering out. We had come together with a common purpose, but it had taken a long time for us to develop a common vision for the organization, and the mission statement was representative of our willingness to work together toward a common goal.
“You have got to be kidding me,” Brian blurted as he pushed himself into a sitting position and gave me a hard stare.
“I’m not,” I said. “Why? Do you have a problem with it?”
“A problem with it?” he repeated, before a bitter laugh escaped his lips. “Do I have a problem with it? Oh good one, lady!”
“Brian, what’s wrong?”
“Not a thing,” he replied in a sullen tone as he climbed out of bed and turned to look at me. “There is absolutely nothing wrong.”
“Brian!” I protested. “Why are you being so difficult?”
“I don’t believe I’m the one who is so damn difficult, Ava,” he was obviously angry with me, but I had no idea why.
“Brian, please tell me what’s going on,” I begged. “Why are you so upset?”
He grabbed his clothing off of the floor and began pulling on his pants as he watched me in his peripheral vision. He said nothing, but I could tell that he was holding something back just by the jerky way he pulled on his shirt and then stood staring at me through narrowed eyes. After a long silence, he took a deep breath and said, “Look, I’m going to sleep over on the couch, so unless you need me to do something to physically protect you from harm, I’d prefer that you leave me the hell alone. Got it?”
I was angry and confused by his sudden shift in tone, and I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes as I nodded and then watched him walk across the room toward the sofa. I stifled the urge to offer him a blanket. If he was going to be an ass to me, then he could figure out how to stay warm all by his own big self.