Chapter 5.

Michele

After spending what felt like forever on the subway, smooshed between people, getting off it felt like taking a breath of fresh air after being underwater for too long. Stunned by the bright daylight, my eyes were drawn to the sky immediately, squinting at the tall gray buildings. After being so used to Brooklyn, Manhattan was like a whole new beast.

It was much busier here, and I had to move out of the way to avoid being shoved. There were cars everywhere, and the amount of people walking around was overwhelming.

I was born and raised in Greenwood, Indiana and the biggest city I’d ever seen before moving here was Indianapolis, where I attended college for a degree in business. When I got there, I remember thinking that the bustle of the city was like a different life form. I hadn’t liked it, so I ended up spending a lot of time on campus or in my dorm.

I didn’t grow up wealthy, not like my husband. My older sister Clarissa and I lived in a small house on the outskirts of Greenwood. My mom, a single mother with no help from my deadbeat dad, was a nurse at the hospital, and she worked long hours. There wasn’t a lot left over after food and bills were paid for. I paid my way to college with grants and student loans, and my sister did the same.

Shortly after I graduated high school, my mom sold the house and moved to Florida alone. I hadn’t seen her since. And that was fine - our relationship has never been close, not even when I was growing up. I didn’t even have her phone number, and that was part of the reason I ended up here when I ran away.

The University of Indianapolis was where I met Shannon. She was so different than anyone I had ever known - so up front and at ease with herself. She studied business, which to her was generic enough to apply to just about anything.

“We’re too young to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives,” she’d said one day. “So, business. Who isn’t studying business?”

We’d lost touch shortly after college. I had fallen in love, something completely unexpected and unplanned for, and it had consumed my world. I had gotten married so quickly - I was only 22.

“I’m not coming home. It’s one time too many, Josh.”

The sound of an angry voice drew me back to the present. It belonged to a woman talking into her phone, pale-faced and drawn.

“I’m not coming back. Beg all you want, but you’re still a bastard.”

I had to look away. The pain in her voice was real, and it sliced right through me. Sometimes I thought about talking to him - telling him how I felt, why I left. But I knew it was safest to stay hidden. If he found me….

No. There were no ifs. Brandon would not find me.

I told myself that I was safe.

This was my never-ending cycle. I told myself I was safe then reminded myself that I wasn’t. Over and over again.

Unbidden, thoughts about the man I had met - Iain - came to mind. He looked so confident when he told me which train to take. He’d smelled clean, like soap and wind and something else I couldn’t put my finger on. I’d wanted to lean right into him.

I wondered what his daily life was like. He probably had a girlfriend, a nice job.

I arrived at the park, hushing all thoughts about the stranger. The massive sign labeling the entrance to Central Park hovered over me, and I walked in.

Since it was winter, hardly anything was green. Leafless trees loomed above, their branches meeting the overcast sky, waving as the wind whispered through them. There were people everywhere, walking dogs, riding bikes, and some laying on blankets on brown grass, staring at the sky.

It was the biggest park I’d ever seen, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to see it all today.

Again, I thought of Iain. I shook my head, knowing it was fruitless. I thought of those blue eyes, his beard, his lips. About that hand I’d imagined on me. He’d noticed me, somehow knowing that I had needed help. But to think about him as anything more than a helpful stranger was dangerous.

Brandon would find me - eventually. I looped back around in my head, back to knowing that safety was an illusion. Thinking anything else was kidding myself. Telling myself that I was safe was a joke. I looked around, walking a path aimlessly, getting out of the way of a couple of kids chasing an RC car. This world I had entered, it wasn’t my own. Eventually, I would have to face Brandon again.

But I would hold off for as long as possible. There was no doubt about that.

xxx

The next day, I woke up in somewhat decent spirits. The forecast was calling for the warmest temperatures since before Christmas, and I wouldn’t have to bundle up so much today. I got dressed and walked to the kitchen, grabbing a mug from the cupboard and pouring myself a cup of coffee from the pot.

“Morning, stranger,” Shannon said, and I smiled as she joined me, mug in hand, giving herself a refill.

“Morning. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

She nodded, taking a sip of her coffee after doctoring it with cream and sugar. “This stupid project has me at the office all hours of the day. I can’t wait for our vacation.”

I took a sip of my own, remembering that she and Evan were going to Aruba soon for two weeks. I was extremely jealous but happy for her, too. She worked long hours and so did he.

“You need the break,” I said.

“You’re still welcome to come with us. We really wouldn’t mind at all.”

“I appreciate the offer, I really do. But I won’t intrude on your vacation, and besides… my passport wasn’t one of the things I grabbed when I left.”

There was silence after that, and we both drank our coffees, deep in thought.

“What are your plans today?” she asked me finally.

“I don’t know. I’m scheduled at five today, and since it’s Friday, it’ll be busy.” I paused, warming my fingers on my mug. “I went to Central Park yesterday.”

“Really? That’s great, Michele.” Shannon smiled broadly at me. “Wasn’t it nice?”

“Yeah. Much nicer than I’d ever have expected. I almost got lost trying to get out, though.”

“It’s like, two miles long. It’s huge. In the summer, there’s so much to do. Concerts, art, festivals. I can’t wait to show you.”

In the summer. I wondered how realistic it was to plan that far ahead. Would I even still be here in June, July? Would I know how it felt to walk the streets in lighter clothing, with the sun beating down, hot against my head?

“A nice guy on the street helped me figure out which train to get on,” I blurted out. I wasn’t even sure why I had said it.

“Oh? Sometimes people are nice around here, too.” She said it as if she were teasing. Where I came from, people greeted their neighbors regularly. Here, they usually looked away from each other.

“I was so paranoid. I could feel my brain working as he asked me if I needed help. Like, ‘why is he talking to me? What does he want?’” I faltered, looking into my cup. “When am I going to stop seeing Brandon in everyone and everything?”

Shannon set her mug down and walked over to me, touching my shoulder lightly. “It’ll take some time.”

“I feel like I’m waiting for the world to crumble beneath my feet sometimes.” I felt my eyes burn and knew I was going to start crying soon. I swallowed, willing the tears away. They would only add to this hopelessness I felt.

“You need to go to a lawyer and draft the papers up. You can’t live like this forever. A lawyer can help you with this.”

“I can’t.” My voice felt thick in my throat, and I met her gaze. “I’m not… I’m not ready.”

Instinctually, my thumb went for my ring finger, a habit I had developed out of nervousness shortly after Brandon and I had gotten married. Instead of metal and stone, my thumb met the bare flesh of my finger, leaving me feeling completely void for a moment. I had sold the rings weeks ago.

“You know I’m here for you. Whether you want to stay until we’re both knitting in rocking chairs or you decide to move out on your own, or if you… you want to go back to him. I’m here for you.”

Her voice was so genuine, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. If only she knew - if only she knew why I had left.