~Cami~
Everything is fuzzy. My head, my thoughts, even my fingers feel fuzzy, but someone is holding my left hand.
I think I’m sore. I try to open my eyes, but they’re so damn heavy. Everything is fuzzy and heavy.
“Cami?”
Landon! Landon’s here. But he’s not supposed to be here. I frown and fight harder to open my eyes, but they’re fuzzy too.
I blink and turn my head, relieved to see that it’s Landon holding my hand. He looks tired, and his blue eyes are worried.
“Hi, baby,” he whispers, and kisses my cheek.
“Hi,” I reply¸ but my throat is dry. “Water.”
“Here.” He lifts a straw to my lips and I drink eagerly, so damn thirsty. I drain the glass and settle back against the bed again. “How do you feel?”
“Fuzzy,” I reply, my voice more normal, but weak. “Sore.” I frown when tears fill Landon’s eyes, and then it all comes back to me. All of the pain and the fear, and the doctor telling me that I’d have to lose the baby. Oh God, did they tell Landon? I grip his hand in mine and he leans toward me. “Did they tell you?”
He nods.
“I lost our baby,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.” Tears fill my eyes now and fall on my cheeks, but I don’t care. Our baby is gone. But Landon just folds me in his arms so I can bury my face in his shoulder, and gently hugs me, running his fingers through my hair and murmuring sweet words to me.
“It’s not your fault,” he says. “And I’m sorry too. I was excited for the baby too.”
I know, and I’ve disappointed you. I can’t bear it. I didn’t get the chance to feel it, or hold it, and we’d only known about it for a short time, but I was already so excited to meet him or her, and now we never will.
The tears come in earnest now, and I cling to him, sobbing against him. Finally, he pulls back and wipes my tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.”
“There’s nothing you could have done,” I reply, and cup his cheek in my hand. His stubble scratches my palm, but I like it. “There wasn’t anything anyone could do.”
“I could have taken you to the hospital sooner,” he says gruffly. “I should have taken care of you.”
“I’m okay,” I reply, and pull him in for a sweet kiss. “I’m sad, but I’m going to be just fine. But I’m so very sorry that I lost our baby.”
“Sweetheart, we’ll have more babies. We’ll have as many as you want.”
Before I can answer him, there’s a knock on the door and a doctor walks into the room.
“It’s good to see you’re awake,” he says, and smiles kindly. “How is your pain?”
“I’m sore,” I reply, and flinch when I try to shift my hips.
“We’ll get you some more pain meds so you sleep through the night. You’ll be sore for a few days, but your recovery time should be fairly fast. You’re a healthy woman.”
“Before surgery, you told me you’d do your best to save the tube,” I say, and see Landon’s gaze whip up to the doctor’s. “Were you able to?”
The doctor sighs and shakes his head.
“I’m sorry, Cami. The damage was too great, and there was already infection setting in. I had to remove the tube.”
“Oh,” I breathe, and close my eyes. “So this means it’ll be more difficult to get pregnant later.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “But it’s not impossible. Your uterus and the other tube are perfectly healthy.”
But I’ve stopped listening to him. Not only did I lose the baby, but now it’s going to be a challenge to get pregnant again. We can’t have as many babies as I want. We’ll be lucky to have any babies at all.
“Cami?” The doctor frowns when I look back up at him. “I’m going to order that medication for you. I think a good night’s sleep will do you good, and you’ll feel better tomorrow. You’re lucky that you came in when you did. If you’d waited longer . . . well, the outcome could have been very grave.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Landon says, and shakes his hand, then sits next to me again. “Why did you wait so long to go?”
“I thought I was just not feeling well,” I reply shortly. I’m sad, but now I’m getting angry too. Why did this happen? Everything that I’ve ever wanted was in the palm of my hand, and in the span of a heartbeat, it was ripped away.
I need a few minutes alone. To gather my thoughts, to grieve for just a few minutes on my own.
“Landon, can you please go?”
“What?” he asks, surprised. My voice is calm. I’m not being mean or hurtful. Hurting him any more is the last thing I want.
“I just need to be alone for a little while.”
“Cami, I really don’t want to leave you by yourself.” The hurt in his eyes is killing me.
“I only want a few minutes of privacy. Please.”
But he stubbornly shakes his head.
“Maybe we should go somewhere when you’re feeling up to traveling,” he says, and I immediately close my eyes. “Somewhere warm,” he continues. “You can take a couple of weeks away from the restaurant and put your feet up. I’ll bring you cocktails and you can soak in some sun.”
“I don’t need to leave,” I whisper, and suddenly I’m just so fucking mad. At Landon. At the doctor. At Mia for not coming sooner.
At every fucking thing.
“Okay, well, you can take some time to stay home—”
“You know what,” I reply, and glare at Landon. “Maybe this was a blessing.”
“What?” He scowls and sits back in the chair, surprised.
“I mean, it’s good that it happened now rather than after the wedding because now you’re off the hook. You don’t have to be saddled with a wife and a kid that just slow you down.
“All you can talk about is leaving. Take me to San Diego. Take me somewhere warm. Well, you know what, Landon? I don’t want to leave. You do. You’ve never wanted to be here. All your life you’ve done everything you can to not be here. But I love it here. This is my home, and this is where my business is, and this is where I’m fucking happy.
“So maybe you should just go.”
“You want me to go,” he says, perfectly calmly.
“Yes, that’s what I’ve been telling you. I need some time alone.”
I shake my head. I’m not crying. I’m boiling mad. I don’t think I’ve ever been this pissed off in all of my life.
“Just get out.”
“I don’t want to leave you, Cami. Not like this.”
Not like this.
“I’m fine, Landon. I was just fine before you, and I’ll be great after you. You don’t determine my happiness.”
He stands, but stays at the side of my bed for a few moments, just watching me, until I pick up my empty water cup and throw it at him.
“Get the fuck out!”
He blinks, and then he turns and walks out the door just as Riley walks in. She frowns back at him before approaching the bed. “Hey sugar.”
“Hey.”
“Where is Landon going?”
“I don’t give a fuck where Landon’s going. I told him to get the hell out.”
She’s silently surprised for a heartbeat, then drops into the chair Landon was in and says, “Excuse me?”
I stare at my best friend, blinking, thinking about everything I just said to her, and I can’t believe it.
“I sent him away.”
And now the tears come again. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I bury my face in my hands and sob, barely aware of Riley petting my hair.
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I’m so sad and pissed off and confused!” I wail into my hands. “I lost our baby, and he’s talking about having all the babies I want, but I can’t do that, Riley. I can’t give him lots of babies. I don’t think I ever wanted lots of babies, and if he wants them, he should have them.
“And he’s always talking about going away!” I’m babbling now, barely making sense through my tears, and I don’t care. “He doesn’t want to be here, he was just here because he felt obligated to me.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“It’s fucking true! And now he doesn’t have to stay here. I don’t want him to go, but I don’t want him to be sad. And every time he looks at me, I’ll just be a reminder that I lost his baby.” I’m hiccuping now with the tears. Riley’s stopped petting my head, leaving me be to cry and rant and just purge all of this bullshit out of my body.
“I wanted that baby so much,” I say, quieting a bit now, but keeping my face in my hands because I’m just so embarrassed and ashamed. “I loved him already, and I was hoping he’d look like his daddy. And Landon is everything I’ve ever wanted and I screwed that up too. I’m just not supposed to have a husband and a family, Ri. And it’s good that this happened now, before the wedding.”
I’m rubbing my swollen eyes. I need a cold cloth, but I don’t want to ask for one. I just want to call Landon back, but that’s dumb. I already fucked that up.
Suddenly a cold cloth is pressed to my neck, and I take it and push it against my eyes, crying into the cotton, making it warm.
“I can’t stop crying.”
“Shhh.”
“It’s so much more than just losing the baby,” I say, quieting a bit now. “We lost all of it. His first steps, swimming lessons, the first day of school.” I shake my head. “I won’t get to straighten his tie on prom night, or dance with him at his wedding.” She puts her hand on my ankle over the covers and sits silently, letting me cry it out and then just breathe, taking long, jagged breaths until I’m calm enough to wipe my face and glance up.
But it’s not Riley sitting next to me.
It’s Landon.
“You didn’t leave.”
He doesn’t smile at me, and he takes the cloth out of my hands, runs it under the faucet to get it cold again, and passes it back to me. It feels like heaven on my face and neck.
Landon just watches, calm as can be. His eyes show the hurt, and that makes my eyes well up again. Of course he’s hurting too. I don’t want him to hurt. I never want that.
“I loved her too,” he says quietly, and leans in to rest his elbows on the bed, taking my hand in his. His touch always feels wonderful, but this is better than anything I’ve ever felt. “And I’m so sad that we’ll never get to hold her and love her, and do all of the things you just said. It’s tragic, Cami.”
I nod and bite my lip. “I’m sorry.”
“Losing her isn’t your fault,” he says firmly. “Look at me.”
My gaze finds his. “None of this is anyone’s fault. I don’t know why it happened. But I do know this: I’m not about to lose my child and the love of my life in the same day. You are convinced that I don’t want to be here, but, Cami, I’ve never said that. Yes, the Navy took me away for a long time, but when that was over, I didn’t have to come home. I could have relocated and started over anywhere. I chose to come back to Portland, and I’m so damn glad I did because it brought me to you. Will I want to travel with you? Of course. But this is our home.
“I can’t spend the next fifty years proving it to you over and over again, just to have you mistrust me. You know me well enough that I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do.”
I smile and nod softly, hope burning brightly in my chest.
“I’m sorry I said that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t say things to deliberately hurt people, and I’d never try to hurt you.”
“You’re sad, and you’re angry. And, please don’t throw something at me again, but your hormones are probably all over the place.”
My lips twitch, and I simply nod again. I’m just relieved that he didn’t actually leave when I told him to.
Thank God.
“I told you before, and I’ll say it again, I didn’t propose to you because of the baby. Cami, I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember. I want you to be my wife, with or without the baby. You are mine, do you understand me?”
“Yes,” I murmur, and take a long, deep breath. “I’m a pain in the ass.”
“Oh, for sure,” he says, finally smiling. “But you’re a pain in my ass, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’re going to get through this, the same way that we’ll get through every other difficult time that crosses our path: as a team.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes, you do. You deserve every wonderful thing that life has to offer. You deserve better than me, but this is what you’re stuck with.”
“Thank God.”
He tips his forehead against mine.
“I love you so much.”
“I love you too, you beautiful pain in the ass.”
“IF THE DAIRY guy is late with my cheese one more time, I’m going to fire his ass and look for someone else.”
“Organic dairy isn’t easy to find,” I remind Mia the next morning. “Especially not at the prices he gives us. Everyone else charges an arm and a leg, and I’m not going to approve the funds for a more expensive dairy just because you and this guy don’t get along. Did you sleep with him or something?”
She just shrugs, not looking up from her phone.
“You slept with the dairy guy?” I demand, my voice a little shrill.
“He’s good-looking,” she says defensively. “And he’s not an idiot.”
“But apparently he’s late all of the time,” Landon says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Do I have to beat him up?”
“No,” Mia replies, rolling her eyes. “I know you don’t like to hear this, but I’m not a virgin. I do have sex. Not as often as I’d like, but it does happen.”
“I’m not going to pay more for dairy just because you boned the dairy guy and don’t want to deal with him,” I say firmly. “You’re an adult. You can deal with it.”
“He’s the one being difficult,” she says. “He wasn’t late before.”
“Maybe he’s trying to get your attention,” Landon suggests. “If you have to talk to him about his tardiness, you have to deal with him.”
“I don’t have to deal with him,” she says, just as stubborn as I am. “I can just send him an e-mail telling him I’m firing him.”
“No firing him until we find someone else for the same price.” I sigh and shift in the bed. “When is the doctor coming in?”
“What’s your doctor’s name again?” Mia asks. We are waiting, impatiently, for him to come in and discharge me so I can go home. I’m still sore, but I will be for a while. I just want to get home and recover there.
“I keep forgetting,” I reply, and look over at Landon, who is boxing up flowers that arrived this morning. “What’s his name?”
“Dr. Holmes,” the man himself says when he walks in the room and smiles. “You look better this morning.”
“I feel a little better.” He pulls my chart up on his laptop and sits next to me. In the light of day, without powerful pain meds to fog up my brain, I can see that Dr. Holmes is a hottie. I glance up at Mia and wiggle my eyebrows.
“Your blood pressure is great. All of your labs came back normal this morning, and your hormone levels are decreasing like they should.” He glances up at me and offers me a smile, and if I wasn’t already engaged to the hottest man in the universe, I might melt just a little. “So I hear you want to go home.”
Suddenly the flash on Mia’s phone goes off, blinding all of us.
“What the hell is wrong with this shitty phone?” she says, but she’s blushing. She was trying to get an incognito photo of Dr. Hottie.
Landon just glares at her, and I have to cover my giggle with a cough. Dr. Hottie just keeps talking, like this happens to him every day.
Because it probably does. If any doctor were to get selfie requests, it would be this one.
“I think we can let you go home, but I want you to follow up with your primary doctor in a couple of days.”
“I can do that.”
“Okay, I’ll get your paperwork finished up and a nurse will be in shortly with your prescriptions and some instructions, and we’ll get you out of here.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He nods, shakes Landon’s hand, and winks at Mia on his way out.
“What in the hell was that?” Landon demands as Mia and I bust out in laughter.
“I’d texted Kat and told her that Cami’s doctor was the sexiest doctor I’d ever seen and she dared me to sneak a picture and send it to her. But I forgot to turn the flash off.”
“Seriously?” Landon says.
“Oh, come on.” I jump in to Mia’s defense. “Kat dared her.”
“If she dared you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too?”
“Possibly. Depends on the circumstances,” Mia says with a sassy smile. “Like you’ve ever passed up a dare in your life, brother.”
“I didn’t flash my camera in the doctor’s face.”
“That doctor has seen your fiancée naked,” she reminds him.
“Yeah, he’s lucky I didn’t punch him,” Landon says, and kisses my forehead. “Are you ready to go home?”
“So ready.” I nod and scoot over so he can join me on the bed. “Snuggle me.”
“That bed is kind of small for snuggling,” Mia says, then rolls her eyes when Landon complies. He cuddles me close and kisses my cheek. “You guys are disgusting.”
“You need a man to cuddle,” I say, and laugh when she shakes her head.
“I don’t need to cuddle.”
“Cuddling is nice,” I reply with a sigh, and lean against my firm, strong man.