Twilight spread its fingers across the yard. Oranges and reds and golds rose up and shot from the brink of the distant horizon, bright rays streaking through the sky to clash with the waning blue as all the light was sucked from the sky. A few of the brightest stars had begun to make their mark on the inky canopy above.
And it was hot. Really fucking unbearably hot.
I tugged at the neck of my T-shirt, hoping to find some sort of relief. I pressed a cold beer bottle to my cheek in search of reprieve.
Voices were too loud and too carefree, the crowd laughing and chatting. A steady stream of people had slowly but surely filled Timothy’s backyard far past capacity.
I’d hidden myself in the farthest recesses of the yard, concealed my discomfort in a bottle of beer while doing my best to ignore the constant urges that poked and prodded at me, alerting me that it’d be a really good time to run. I’d developed this perfect radar, a warning system that told me when to grab my shit and get out.
It was blaring now.
With a harsh shake of my head, I rushed a hand through my hair and rubbed at the tense muscles coiled at the base of my neck. If there was any possible place on this earth where I could feel comfortable, this definitely wasn’t it. Holed up at some party with the people Aly and Christopher had come to know, with their friends. Everyone seemed to know each other and they laughed without restraint and talked as if they’d known each other for years. These were all people they’d met after I’d gone and had been erased from their lives.
But how the hell could I say no? I mean, I’d tried to refuse, to come up with an acceptable excuse to convince Christopher that this was a bad idea. But he was insistent.
And the truth was, I fucking missed her. So much it’d become this crushing weight on my chest and an overbearing burden on my shoulders.
Nothing was ever right. But being without her just felt wrong.
The two weeks I’d spent hidden away behind her door had been the best two of my life. I’d almost felt as if I belonged.
Almost.
That was the problem, really. I’d gotten too comfortable, had felt too at ease, had allowed too many unwise words to pass from my mouth.
Worse was I’d gotten too used to how unbelievably good she felt lying next to me.
I’d come to want it. Need it. And it was wrong. It was insanity and stupidity all wrapped into one, selfishness in the extreme. But I wanted her. God, I wanted her. So badly that I’d ignored my conscience and snuck into her room night after night, dipped into her comfort, and taken from the girl who was so good and kind. Aly had welcomed me into her bed as if that was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Like she trusted me.
I wondered what she’d think if she could crawl inside the darkened corners of my mind, if she could witness the fantasies of her that I kept hidden there. If she could see how depraved I really was. How could I lie there beside her and pretend I was just her friend, while I listened to the throaty lilt of her thick laughter and imagined what it’d be like to have her laid out, taking it all? Burying myself in her – her flesh and sweat and sweet and every ounce of pleasure I knew I’d find in the tenderness of her touch. I’d gone so far as to imagine the exact way her lips would part and the expression that would hood her intense green eyes.
I shook my head to chase off the visions invading my mind.
I will destroy her.
My eyes traveled the yard, washing over the groups of friends swarming the space. Water sloshed up from the pool, swelled, and spilled over the side from the movement of the bodies that sought a retreat from the heat. Everyone wore bathing suits or shorts and flip-flops, and here I sat in my jeans and boots.
Not that I cared what anyone thought about me. Christopher had introduced me to most everyone, toting me around the yard as he sang my praises. The guy was cool, that much was for sure. He might have his own issues, but he definitely had my back. Most of the people there looked at me with indifference or mild interest. A few girls had approached me in the last hour I’d been sitting here by myself. But none of them were the reason I was subjecting myself to this abuse.
I found her under the shade of a tree. She was in the same clothes she’d been in the night I’d first seen her, a red tank top with the green straps of her bikini peeking out and wrapping around her neck, the bottoms covered in little white shorts. The girl was perfection personified. Every inch. Every curve. She was laughing and talking with Megan, one of the friends she’d introduced me to earlier.
I searched Aly’s face. A casual easiness had taken her over as she enjoyed the setting sun. Maybe that’s what attracted me to her most, the fact that she was genuine, lacking all the superficial bullshit so many of the girls crawling the backyard seemed to have. But she was also fun, easy to smile. Not to mention she was undoubtedly the sexiest girl I’d ever seen.
She tipped her head back as she laughed, exposing her creamy neck. Dark hair toppled over one luscious bare shoulder and rolled down her back.
Lust curled through my stomach and tightened in the pits of my consciousness.
God.
I dropped my eyes to the dirt under my booted feet.
She had gotten so far under my skin I couldn’t think straight anymore. At least I’d had the strength to put to a stop those tortured nights because they were heading nowhere good – and fast. What I should do was end it all, pack up my things, and leave before I left behind inevitable ruin. It was like I could feel it building. Destruction. I’d never outrun it. It followed me wherever I went. But the last two weeks of existing through the days, avoiding her as much as I possibly could while wishing for nothing other than to be near her, had made it impossible for me to leave.
So I’d taken from afar.
Watched her in the moments she didn’t know I was there, traced her face with my eyes instead of my fingers, hated myself a little bit more.
I was the worst kind of coward because I stayed when I knew I should go.
Throaty laughter floated through the yard, a distinct reminder of her presence. With my elbows on my knees, I barely lifted my head and stole another look in her direction. From under the hedge of my hair, I watched her chat with the group that had grown around her.
My attention shifted as some guy I’d never seen before came through the large sliding door. There was no looking away when the asshole snuck up behind her and lifted her off her feet.
Releasing a little surprised squeal, she flailed her bare feet in the air. He laughed and said something in her ear. The dickhead had barely set her back down when he spun her around and was smothering her in his fucking arms.
Uncontrolled, my hands flexed and fisted, the grinding of my teeth grating in my ears. Something knocked loose in my chest, and it was about the most fucking unpleasant feeling I’d ever experienced.
Who the hell is this guy?
For my sake… or his… she extracted herself, because I was damned close to losing it.
Fucking Christopher, goading me into this shit. I should’ve known better, known that Aly had a life outside the hours we spent closed behind her door.
Needing a reprieve, I turned away and tried to focus on something less excruciating than the scene unfolding with Aly. Across the yard, I found Christopher scoping out his next target, this little brunette with huge tits and a round ass. A subtle chuckle rolled from my tongue. He was relentless. I watched as he flirted with her, ran his finger under her jaw, made her smile. I had to admit, the guy was good.
But a distraction could only last for so long. Fidgeting with the rough edges of my beer cap, I finally gave in and turned my attention back to Aly. Dickhead had sidled up to her, attaching himself to her being like some tacked-on afterthought. His fingers slipped around her back. Even from a distance, I knew they were kneading into her side.
I drained the rest of my beer. That internal warning system roared. Looked like a really good time for me to make an exit. I wasn’t sticking around to witness this shit.
Standing, I tossed my bottle into an overflowing garbage can and turned to leave. I froze midstride when I saw Aly weaving her way through the crowd, making her way over to me. There was something in her expression, something wholly sad and earnest and entirely too sexy that had me all itchy and irritated. My jaw ticked as she approached, and I kind of wanted to lash out at her for having the ability to make me this uncomfortable.
“Hey,” she said, stopping a foot away from me, her chin tilted up, her face searching mine. A light from the porch reflected the emerald of her eyes. Discomfort mingled with the warmth, and she shifted on her feet. She knew I’d been watching her. “What are you doing hiding over here by yourself?”
I struggled to appear detached and lifted a shoulder in indifference. “Nothing. Just was going to take off.”
Disappointment flashed in her eyes. “What?” She inched forward, invading my senses with her soft scent, coconut and fresh and overwhelmingly girl – everything I’d tried to rid my brain of over the last two weeks. “You can’t leave now,” she argued. “The fireworks are going to start in like ten minutes. Jared,” she said, her voice quieting, “I was really looking forward to watching them with you.” A gentle hand fluttered out and grazed against the side of mine, and she almost whispered, her full lips moving slowly as she spoke, as if it were our greatest secret, “They’re our favorite. Remember?”
Damn it.
I wrenched an agitated hand through my hair, looked over her shoulder at her group of friends, eyed Dickhead, who was eyeing her ass.
She must have seen the excuse I was trying to work in my head because she suddenly squeezed my hand. “Please, Jared. I know things have been weird between us, but I really wanted to spend tonight with you. Even if it’s only for old times’ sake.” Redness colored her cheeks, as if her admission caused her some kind of embarrassment. But still she forged ahead. “It would mean a lot to me.”
“Aly… ,” I said quietly, just under my breath.
“Please,” she whispered. Then she smiled and took a single step back. “Let me get you another beer.”
She didn’t wait for my response, for my agreement that I would stay, because she already knew I would.
Had she always held this kind of power over me? A glimmer of a smile and a brush of her hand and the girl would get her way? Memories swirled through my mind like the whirlwind she was, the little girl who’d barely had to look at me and I already knew what she wanted or needed. Mom once told me Aly had me wrapped around her little finger. She’d been wrong. Aly had held me in the palm of her hand.
“Fine,” I mumbled as she edged away. She crossed the yard to a cooler sitting under the patio. Lifting the lid, she leaned down and disappeared behind it. She dropped it closed. Something inside me fluttered when she smiled across the yard at me as her face came back into view. Popping the cap and tossing it to the trash, she beckoned me to join her with a tic of her head.
Sighing, I gave in because I had no fucking idea how to tell this girl no.
Slowly, I crossed the space, never dropping my gaze as I approached, and accepted the proffered beer that she held out toward me. “Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome.” She twisted off her cab and tapped her bottle neck with mine. “To old times.”
Under my breath, I laughed and said, “To old times,” even though there was a huge part of me that didn’t share the sentiment. Old times hadn’t made me feel like this, as if I wanted to wrap her up and hide her away. They didn’t cause my blood to pound in my ears or make me want to knock that smug smile off Dickhead’s face when he glanced her way.
Okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely true.
Protecting her had always been my job.
But now it clearly was for different reasons.
He had started talking to someone else, but still he managed to keep her in his line of sight, a subtle trailing of her movements, each motion counted and calculated, as if he was assessing when he was going to make his move.
Possessiveness rose in a wave and crashed over my being.
Yeah, maybe Aly was right. I didn’t need to go anywhere. Right here was exactly where I was supposed to be.
“Come here, I want you to meet some of my other friends.” Aly took me by the hand and led me to the group of people she’d been standing with before.
A thrill shot through me with just that touch.
Dickhead’s brow rose to his hairline when he saw us walking toward them, hand in hand. Aly introduced me to a couple of new friends who’d arrived, a couple of girls who were obviously too flirty and some dude named Sam. I barely acknowledged them because I couldn’t stand the feel of Dickhead’s eyes roving over me as he sized me up. I could feel him considering, adding me up in the same breath he put me down, judging.
Nothing pissed me off more than people making assumptions they didn’t have a right to make.
Aly turned to him and gestured between us. “Gabe, this is Jared. He was one of my very best friends growing up.” Hesitantly, she looked at me. “Jared, Gabe.”
Gabe. Of course, Dickhead was Gabe. The same guy who tried to get her to come over to “hang” out with him in the middle of the night. How fitting.
I shoved my hand out in front of me. “Nice to meet you, Gabe.”
He shook it, squeezing it hard. A warning. “Likewise,” he said, his voice tight.
I wanted to laugh. He had to be fucking kidding me. He was warning me?
Staring him down, I crushed his hand in my hold, silently promising him I would do anything to keep Aly safe. Safe from him. Safe from me. Safe from anyone who even for a minute thought of messing with her. Clearly, this douche bag didn’t deserve her any more than I did. I could see it there, written all over his self-righteous face and in his eyes, the nice guy act well played. Perfected.
Unbidden, my hand clamped down on his as thoughts of him with Aly swam through my vision like some fucking horror flick that you really didn’t want to see but can’t look away from, the slasher kind where there is blood and guts and gore and nobody comes out alive. When I was a kid, they always gave me nightmares until the cause of my nightmares became real and utterly unbearable.
Thinking of her with him felt pretty much the same.
I pulled away from him, and Aly took my hand again. “Come on, let’s find a good spot to watch the fireworks.”
With her voice, I shoved off the images, turned, and gently smiled at her, ignoring the guy whose gaze burned into the back of my head with outright hate.
Instead I focused on her words, which sounded so damned cute, like they used to when we’d run ahead of ourselves to find the best spot at the park. We used to get so close that we’d feel the fireworks rumble through our bodies, and we had to dodge the little pieces of paper ashes that flitted down from the sky.
She led me to a lounger that sat out in the open on the grass. She pushed at my side and grinned. “Take a seat.”
Quirking an eyebrow, I smirked at her but did as I was told. I sat sideways on it with my feet on the ground. Aly settled to the grass, and instinctively my knees parted to make room for her. Nestling between my legs, she shifted a bit to rest her head on the inside of my thigh. Then she released a breathy sigh as if this was the only place she wanted to be, murmuring, “I’m so glad you’re here, Jared.”
Desire coursed over every inch of my skin and pooled in my stomach. There was nothing I could do to stop it, the way I hardened at her slightest touch, at the soft sound that fell from her mouth, at the smell of her hair that had become permanently ingrained in my mind.
Night fell further, collected across the sky, and the darkness deepened the silence of the cocoon Aly and I found ourselves in. The heat had ebbed the slightest bit, the warmth of the day beginning to dissipate into the inky dome overhead.
Most in the yard had quieted and taken their spots to watch the sky, anticipating the show that was about to begin. Everyone else bled into obscurity, and in that instant it was just the two of us.
Aly jumped with the first boom. It rumbled along the surface of the ground, vibrating below us, and a long whistle cracked before color exploded in the sky just in the distance.
Quietly she gasped, the way she’d done what seemed like a million times before. A perfect memory of her as a child suddenly overtook my mind. The tips of her delicate fingers fluttered up to her mouth as she watched in awe.
I was powerless to do anything but thread my fingers through her hair, to anchor myself to her, even if it was only for this moment. Even though I’d been the one to cut myself from her, right then it felt impossible to let go.
Reds and blues and whites streamed from the sky, lit up the darkness above, increased in intensity, then fell before the next wave erupted in an electrifying thrill.
Blood thundered through my veins. It’d been so long since I’d felt this close to someone. Part of me fought it, knew I should push her away. The dominant part of me just wanted to stay, even if it was for a little while. I’d been alone for so long. Was it wrong to take away these memories, something to hold on to when I seeped back into nothingness?
Shifting her weight, Aly sank deeper into me. Her body burned into mine; her head pressed into my thigh. She tilted her head back and looked up at me with wistful eyes, watched me with kindness, with a yearning for the way things had been in the past, with ideas of what could never be.
I stared down at her.
And I knew it was wrong, that I was only making things worse, prolonging the inevitable, but right then I just didn’t care.
A pensive smile kissed her mouth, before she turned back to the show above. She snuggled closer, her shoulder dipping down under my leg so her neck was nestled against my thigh. Her hand skimmed over my knee and down my leg before she firmly wrapped her arm around my calf. Her hand tightened there, and my fingers found their way to the nape of her neck, twisting in the fine hairs and tickling her skin. A small whimper escaped her mouth as I massaged my fingers over the base of her scalp, ran them up to the back of her ears and down again.
As if this wasn’t agonizing, having what I wanted most in my hands and knowing she was completely out of reach.
Untouchable.
But right then she was mine. So I gave in, took a little more, leaned forward, and buried my nose in the fucking delicious coconut in her hair. Breathed in the life and the goodness and everything that was Aly.
I wanted to remember.
Her fingers curled into my leg, begging just as desperately as my body begged for hers, and I felt strung up, strung out. I ached and needed and felt as if I was going to lose my mind.
Fireworks filled the sky, this constant barrage that illuminated the night. I felt them more than saw them as they knit with the shocking intensity radiating from Aly, a feeling that sped through my veins faster than any high I’d ever experienced. Overhead the finale came to life, pounded through my system, set my skin on fire.
I tightened my hold on her, my nose behind her ear, wanted to take it all.
“Aly,” whispered from my mouth.
Chills rolled down her spine in a palpable wave.
Fireworks popped and cracked, a rapid succession of booms and streams of fire, and an outburst of cheers rose up from the crowded yard.
Someone beside us whistled and clapped, and for one second, I held Aly a little tighter.
The last of the fireworks blinked out above as darkness again fell across the sky. The patio lights were flipped on. People climbed to their feet and began to disperse as conversations rose all around us.
That was all it took to break the spell Aly had me under. I sat back as she released her fingers. She straightened, stared ahead as if she’d been affected just as much as I’d been, while I struggled to regain some semblance of composure.
Because inside I was shattered.
I had to keep myself from jumping when I looked up to find Megan standing in front of us, holding her hand out for Aly. Questions ran across the girl’s face, her eyes darting between Aly and me. She seemed to waver before she spoke. “Do you want to come for a swim with me?”
Confusion rolled from Aly in billows, a heavy hesitation in her movements before she finally accepted her friend’s hand. “Sure.”
Megan tugged at Aly as she helped her to stand, though the girl managed to keep one eye firmly rooted on me.
Aly dusted off her shorts, her expression guarded when she glanced back at me. I could see the question she silently asked me in her eyes.
What was that?
I just blinked into the dim light, because I didn’t know, either. All I knew was that I felt as if something was being ripped from me when she walked away.
Aly followed Megan to the edge of the pool. Her friend tore the sundress she wore over her head, laughing as she jumped in the pool. She bobbed to the top of the water. “Are you getting in, or what?” she called to Aly.
“Yeah, yeah… ” Unease trickled from Aly’s mouth in a small giggle. “You know I need a little time to work up to it.”
Megan laughed. “You’re such a baby. Get in here.”
I felt like an asshole because I couldn’t look away when Aly’s fingers fluttered down to the hem of her tank top and she slowly raised it over her head to expose the creamy skin of her back, watched as she unbuttoned her shorts and let them slip to the ground. She stepped out of them and toed them aside.
Fuck.
Aly was… indescribable. Curved and slender and supple, both strong and delicate, like this painting that shouldn’t be possible, one that took your breath away as you stared at it in awe.
She dipped her toes in the water, her long legs slowly submerging as she waded down the steps and into the pool. The water looked black, shimmers of light reflecting off the ripples. Aly’s long hair appeared just as black as she slipped into the water’s depths. Her voice was soft as she spoke with her friend, and Megan splashed her a little. Aly splashed her back.
It was really cute, too, the way the two of them seemed to get each other. Aly had talked about her several times, and it was cool to finally meet the girl who Aly seemed to be so fond of.
That was when Dickhead made his move. He jumped in and dunked Aly under the surface. A second later, she shot up from under the water, flinging the hair from her face.
“Gabe!” she shouted. She punched him in the shoulder and he laughed. “You’re such an asshole.”
He shoved her, then tugged at the mass of wet hair stuck to her back, and I could sense him laying his claim, moving in. She shoved him back.
Hostility wound through me, every muscle in my body stretched thin.
Fucker was about ten seconds from getting his ass torn limb from limb if he didn’t stop touching her.
The worst part was the playfulness in her actions, this casualness she shared with him. “We’ve kind of been seeing each other for the last couple months. I like him okay, I guess.” This was what she was settling for? Her okay?
She splashed around with him and Megan, laughed while I sat there fuming. My hands fisted. As badly as I wanted to gouge my eyes out, I couldn’t look away.
Did she have any clue what she was doing to me?
I knew I was the one who’d set this into play, had told her whatever was happening between us had to come to an end, even though whatever it was we labeled a friendship. Fools fell into those kinds of traps. We both knew it went so much deeper than friendship, even though that was why its foundation was so solid.
Under my breath, mocking laughter climbed from my throat. Who was the fool now? Me, sitting here feeling like I might lose my mind because after whatever the hell had just happened between us during the fireworks, watching her with him now felt like I’d been sucker punched in the gut.
But what did she owe me?
Fuck. I raked my hands through my hair, wanted to scream, to claim that she did owe me because no one knew me the way she did. She was the only one who knew how to get inside me. She had accomplished it so easily. Right then I hated her for it.
Gabe ducked under the water and came up right in front of her. He’d shifted, the teasing set aside as he approached her as if he knew her.
Anger pushed at my insides, and I was twitching, aching to unleash this aggression on Dickhead’s face, because I couldn’t stand to watch him closing in on her. Fighting had always been a release. But this was different. This was a need.
Jealousy roiled and my feet came up under me before I knew how to stop them. But I paused on the fringes of the yard when I saw Aly mumble something to him and disappear underwater. She emerged at the steps and took them one by one. Water dripped down the length of her body. She grabbed her things from the ground and wrapped herself in a towel. Warily she glanced over at me with sad eyes before she headed inside, like maybe there was some way she knew she’d just spent the last ten minutes torturing me.
It was fucking cruel, even though there wasn’t a chance she had any clue about how much she affected me.
I watched her retreat through the sliding door.
What was I thinking? Doing this? Allowing my feet to move? But they were, my footfalls heavy as I crossed the small thatch of lawn and twisted through the groups of people huddling in circles on the patio.
From a safe distance, I trailed her inside. Music blared from the living room, the lights dimmed, the rooms packed wall to wall with people, faces and bodies and movement that I wanted to play no part in.
I just wanted Aly.
The need was blinding, yet it was all I could see.
Watching her head bob through the crowd, I saw her turn and dart down a hall. She disappeared into a door on the right. I followed her and stopped in front of the closed door. In the darkness I paced, the agitation I felt unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I knew it was her, that she’d managed to unlock something inside me that should never have been released. Behind the door, water ran and clothing rustled.
All I could think about was Aly on the other side, that body wet and those eyes sad. All I could focus on was the raging in my heart and the madness she’d sent careening through my mind.
The door opened, and Aly straightened with a shock when saw me there. A confused smile lit her mouth, and she whispered, “Jare… ” before my name died on her lips as she made out the expression on my face. She shifted on her feet, blinking as uncertainty danced in the warmth of her green eyes.
Control eluded me, left me at a complete loss as I stared at the girl.
And it was stupid, so fucking stupid and greedy and selfish, but I took. I lifted her by the waist and spun her around to pin her to the opposite wall with my hips.
Aly gasped.
And like I’d imagined the first time more than a month ago, those perfect legs were wrapped around my waist. With my nose lost in the sweetness under her jaw, I flattened myself against her, groaned aloud because even through our clothes, I’d never felt anything better than Aly’s body pressed to mine.
She whimpered and wove her fingers through my hair.
I trailed my palms down the length of her thighs, and my heart was beating so fucking hard I was sure it was going to hammer right through my chest.
My mouth sought hers, hard and demanding. Her lips were soft and yielding. And I took, deepened the kiss because I knew this would be the only taste of Aly I would ever get. Desire surged, flooded, and every inch of my body hardened. I strained against her, edged back for a breath as I whispered her name.
“Jared” fell from her mouth, her eyes wild, before she dove back in and sucked at my bottom lip. Her sweet tongue flicked out to tease at my skin. Returning the kiss, I consumed her mouth with mine.
She tightened her legs around my waist, desperation pouring from her as she struggled to bring me closer, hunger in her eyes and impatience in her touch. “Jared… please.” Her fingers dug into my shoulders.
My head spun and my pulse sped, and I wanted to devour every inch of her. Overwrought, my senses were on overload – overwhelmed – everything quickened and slowed and amplified.
Reality came crashing back to me.
No.
I tore my mouth from her, panting, my eyes frantic as they roved over her face.
She burrowed her fingers deeper into my skin, pleading.
No.
I edged back, forcing her legs to drop free as I supported her at her waist, her knees weak as she grappled for footing when her feet fell to the floor.
I steadied her before I pressed my hands to her shoulders and forced myself back.
Her fingers fluttered up to touch her lips, so much like they had done when the first of the fireworks had blanketed the sky. “Jared?” It came low, a breathy question whispered into the dimness of the suffocating hall.
“Shit,” I mumbled, stumbling back from the girl who held so much power over me, the one who chased away every rational thought.
I didn’t deserve her.
I never could, no matter how fucking badly I needed her.
Hurt wrapped her tight, just as tight as she wrapped her arms protectively over her chest.
What had I done?
I shook my head as I backed away. “I am so sorry, Aly.”
Turning, I rushed down the hall, pushed through the throng of sweating bodies, and burst out the front door, gasping at the reprieve of the thick night air.
Pain hit me full force, as clearly as if my eyes were closed and I was living it all again, the day I destroyed everything, took my family’s joy, the day she’d died and taken my soul with her.
I don’t get to have this.
At eleven seventeen the next night, I finally put my key in the lock and turned the knob. I hadn’t come back to the apartment at all last night. Facing her after what I’d done felt impossible because I knew what I now had to do. There was no other way around it. I’d fucked it all up, ruined it, the way I always did, and now it was time to pay.
A deep ache clamored in my chest when I stepped through the door and into the low-lit apartment, the only illumination bleeding from the small light under the microwave in the kitchen. This would be the last time I’d enter it.
And honestly, it made me fucking sad because the last month had felt like something, like I wasn’t just existing, but there was some kind of purpose to it all.
Only I’d been deluding myself because I’d always known it’d come to this.
Most of all, this hurt because I was going to miss her.
Latching the door behind me, I took in the silence of the empty room. At the end of the hall, Christopher’s door sat wide open, the room vacant. The only sound in the apartment seeped from the thin walls of Aly’s bathroom, the dull hum of the shower telling me she stood under a steaming fall of water.
I rubbed at the soreness on my chest. Yeah. It was unbelievable just how much I was going to miss her.
I couldn’t help wondering what she was thinking. Was she hurting after what I’d done to her? After I’d left her standing there confused? Used? Because that’s what it had been, hadn’t it?
Me consumed with the way she made me feel, the way she filled up this fucking void in my chest like she belonged there. Me deceiving myself that for a few seconds it was okay.
But this was Aly. My Aly. And I’d used her because I wanted her so badly and because I’d never known anything that felt so good. Her presence was like this balm I didn’t understand, solace in the insufferable night.
So like the asshole I was, I’d taken.
I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. Shit. I was always fucking taking.
Guilt had eaten at me all night and day. I shouldn’t have touched her, shouldn’t have allowed her to touch me. Now it lingered on my mouth and swam in my spirit, the memory of her kiss.
Overpowering. Intoxicating. Too much.
The sickest part was that I wanted more. I had to get out of this apartment, out of this city, before all this shit caved in on us, before we imploded and there was nothing left of either of us.
The shower squealed as it was shut off, and the metal curtain rings screeched as they were pushed aside.
Thank God Christopher was gone. I wasn’t sure I could handle sitting on the couch beside him, acting as if everything was normal after everything had gone to shit, after I’d pinned his little sister to the wall, after my hands had been on her. He would fucking kill me if he knew what had gone down last night, and he had every right to. I wished he would. I deserved it.
Now I would give her an apology. Try to explain myself a little.
The hardest part was it seemed as if none of my reasons or explanations fit together because it felt like maybe Aly and I did. I heaved a breath through my pursed lips and shoved that dangerous thinking aside. Without a doubt, that wasn’t possible. I wasn’t made for anything but ruin.
I’d apologize the best I could and promise her I’d pack my shit; then she’d never have to see my sorry ass again.
Rustling echoed from her bathroom. A drawer opened and closed, and a cabinet door banged shut. I imagined her standing in front of the mirror, drying off, then slipping on those sleep shorts she always wore. How wrong was it that I was hoping so? That I wanted nothing more than to endure living through the sight of Aly dressed like that one more time?
That’d be the last thing I took with me – the memory of her kind face mixed with that body. The two combined made me dangerous for her to be around, and I was putting an end to it all.
I stopped outside the bathroom door and rested my forehead against the wood, listened to her subtle movements on the other side, and wished things were different than they were.
What I was getting ready to do was going to hurt worse than any conscious decision I’d ever made.
I kind of wanted to laugh because all of a sudden I was thinking about all the phrases they’d used while I was in juvie, during the sessions they’d placed me in because that’s where they sent all the junkies. I’d thought all of it bullshit because they knew nothing about me. They’d talked about the withdrawals we’d experience, but how it would be so much easier while we were on the inside and separated from all the temptations on the outside. They’d warned us that once we got out, we’d have to be careful to stay straight, to keep our noses clean and the triggers at bay.
Two weeks ago I’d made the decision to keep my trigger close. Aly was the greatest temptation I’d ever had, and I’d decided to pretend that just extracting myself from her room would be enough. As if seeing her every day wasn’t going to wear me down. I should have known I would slip.
I was assaulted by visions of Aly pinned up against the wall by my hips, the feel of her body and the taste of her skin.
I’d slipped, all right.
Fallen.
Heaving the air from my lungs, I turned away, crossed the hall, and let myself into the stillness of her room. I didn’t know what the hell I was thinking, just going in without her permission, but I felt like this good-bye had to happen here. In the place where she’d affected me so deeply. The lights were off, but her blinds were drawn, and the lights from the parking lot below spilled onto the floor.
Her bed was all tussled, the sheets twisted and tied, and I pictured her there last night, tossing as she turned, sleep evading her as she longed for me.
And I knew she did. I’d felt it in her touch. She wanted me just as intensely as I wanted her.
Those sheets looked so damned inviting. Like a creep, I had the urge to bundle them up, to press them to my nose, to breathe in all that was Aly before I walked away.
Yeah, it’d be wise to avoid her bed.
I pulled the chair out from under her dressing table and turned it around to face the room. Then I carefully sat on the hard, wooden chair. I fidgeted as I took in her space, tugging at the hem of my T-shirt. Everything here was so distinctly Aly. Comfortable. Right.
One of her sketch pads lay on the floor. God, I wanted to know what she kept inside them so badly, to get a little further inside her head, to catch a glimpse of her soul. I could so easily cross her room and look inside, but I instinctively knew whatever she had there was as personal to her as the words I wrote in my books. I was still shocked by the impulse I’d had to give her a little glimpse into mine, the words I’d left on her pillow. I wanted to show her that even though I could feel no joy, I could still see beauty. That night when I lay awake with her sleeping in my arms, it was all I could see, the beauty in this girl.
I tore my attention from the pad because there was no chance I’d disrespect her privacy like that, and I let my eyes trace her bookshelves, the pictures on her walls, memorized her space.
As if I could ever forget it.
Agitation bounced my knee, each passing second excruciating. I didn’t know what I was going to say to her, but I refused to be a coward and disappear without an explanation. Even if telling her good-bye was going to kill me.
I froze when I heard the bathroom door open across the hall.
This was it.
The knob to her room rattled as it turned, and I swallowed hard when Aly came into view. Her hand was on the doorknob as it swung open, her body in motion until she stumbled back when she saw me sitting in the shadows. Her hair was wet, and she’d obviously run a comb through it. The length of it fell in long sheets that had deepened to black, and errant strands curled where they clung to her shoulders. She was wearing those same tiny pink shorts and a matching tank, the softness of her breasts swelling at the top, the long stretch of her legs exposed.
Instantly I was hard.
My knee bounced faster as I struggled with the intense urge to run or maybe give in to a repeat of last night.
Motherfucking trigger.
I raked a shaky hand through my hair while Aly remained rooted in the doorway. I couldn’t tell if she was pissed or relieved or confused. Troubled green eyes darted across my face as if they were searching for some sort of clue, and I wondered just how badly I’d injured her when I walked away from her last night.
My jaw ticked, and she just stared.
What the fuck was I supposed to say when she was standing there looking at me like that? When her chest rose and fell in a heavy pant, her eyes wide with surprise, her mouth slack with what looked like relief.
“Jared,” she finally said so quietly. She made my name sound like a statement, maybe even an answer.
She’d wondered if I would return and now I was here. And God, I didn’t want to leave.
Her eyes softened, though her expression remained intense, and her chin lifted as she stepped forward and latched the door. She reached behind her and blindly turned the lock. The little click sounded deafening in the silence of the room, like this overt warning that there’d be no running tonight.
But running was exactly what I’d be doing.
Aly laid the full force of her eyes on me, their intensity pinning me to the hard wooden chair.
Shifting in discomfort, I searched for words in a situation where I didn’t want to speak, because really all I wanted to do was stay. I leaned forward to rest my forearms on my legs, threaded my fingers together, and dropped my head while I gathered my thoughts. Then I lifted my face to meet hers and whispered slowly, “I’m so sorry, Aly.”
“You’re leaving,” she said, the words not so much a question but an accusation.
Straightening, I groaned and scrubbed both palms over my face, dropped my hands back to my lap and looked up at her.
“What else can I do? I’m so sorry, Aly. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what came over me last night… .” It all began to flood, a rush of words that couldn’t be contained in my mouth. I had to get them out so I could get out. I couldn’t be closed in here with her, with her scent and her smile and everything that was Aly that had become the only thing in this world that I wanted.
“I mean, I did fucking know. I was so pissed off because that dickhead wouldn’t stop touching you.” Harshly, I ran my hand over my head and down to my neck, hoping it would quell that feeling that rose in me again, the possessiveness I felt for her like this poison that I had to somehow expel. “It made me fucking crazy, and I fucking ruined it. I’m sorry I ruined it, Aly, but I warned you that I would.” My head tipped to the side, my eyes tightened in emphasis as I tried to make her understand. “I told you I’d make you regret this. I knew this was happen – ”
My words died on my tongue when the expression on her face shifted into something I wished I couldn’t make out. I wanted her to be pissed, to be angry with me the way she should be, but instead she was looking at me a little like I’d been looking at her for the last month. Her eyes were tender, but her lips were parted, and something like need rose and sucked all the air from the room.
I drew in a ragged breath. “Aly… ”
Don’t.
I barely shook my head.
Slowly she began to approach, and I sank farther back into the chair the closer she came, my knee bouncing harder as she timidly inched up in front of me. Her movements were slow, hypnotizing, and I couldn’t stop myself from watching those legs. My eyes darted to her hands. She was rubbing her thumbs over her fingertips as if she were searching for some kind of friction or maybe looking for confidence. My gaze flicked up to meet her face. A color I didn’t understand had darkened her eyes. There was no looking away as she crossed the room, and my head continued to tilt back, locked on her, lost in this place where I knew I absolutely shouldn’t fucking be.
She stopped just a breath from me.
My hands dropped slack, dangled at my sides.
Everything became heavy. My fingers twitched, and I had to force the air in and out of my lungs.
I swore I could actually hear Aly’s heart beating as she hovered in hesitation an inch away. She blinked hard, squirmed before she looked at me with determination. “Jared, I don’t want you to leave.”
“Aly… I… ” What was I supposed to say? Because I didn’t want to leave, either.
I had to.
Erasing the last of the space between us, Aly allowed the front of her legs to touch my knees, and she groaned as if the contact seared her. She wavered, before she reached out to run the back of her hand down my face, testing me. Tempting me.
I stopped breathing altogether when she slowly straddled my lap and murmured close to my ear, “Please… don’t leave me.”
Fuck.
This was bad, really fucking bad. And I knew I should push her away, make her stop because what she was doing was only bringing us a little closer to the edge. She held on to the chair behind me, her warm body pressed into mine. There was no chance she wasn’t feeling just how much I wanted her.
“What are you doing, Aly?” My hands went to her slender hips with the intention of edging her off my lap. Instead my fingers dug into the soft skin.
A shudder sped up my spine when she trembled above me.
Wetting my lips, I tried to move her back but only managed to brush up against her farther. Her expression was severe but soft, her movements shaky but sure. She searched my face, her eyes burning a path as she left me utterly exposed. And I could smell her, and the memory of the way she tasted, the way she felt, overwhelmed every last one of my senses. She didn’t even have to move, and she was already touching me everywhere.
She swallowed, then spoke. “Did you want to kiss me last night?”
“Last night was a mistake, Aly. I – ”
Her hands went to my face, and she held me there, forcing me to look up at her. “I didn’t ask you if it was a mistake. I asked if you wanted to.”
A frustrated sound worked its way free of my throat, and I shifted again, which only brought her closer. Right then I knew there was not a fucking thing I could do because nothing else mattered in the world except for the way she felt pressed up tight against me. My fingers dug farther into her hips, and we were nose-to-nose, Aly’s hands firm on my face. I realized we were moving, our bodies subtly rocking.
I groaned. “I’ve wanted to kiss you every single second of every single day since the moment I opened my eyes to find you standing over me, Aly. But you know we can’t do this.” My voice cracked. “I don’t get to have this. I already told you… you deserve someone who can love you, someone who will be good for you, and you know that’s not me.”
I hoped maybe she’d listen to reason, but instead she crushed her chest to mine and dipped her head to the side. Her mouth came urgent against my neck, and she kissed at a sensitive spot under my jaw that very nearly made me jump out of my skin because it felt so fucking good. And she was sucking and moving and touching and… fuck.
Making her way up my neck, she kissed along my jaw, then lifted her soft lips to mine as she murmured, “Then tell me you don’t want me.”
Pleasure rocked through my body when she ground herself against me. A growl clanged around in my chest and rumbled up my throat. “Aly… ”
And she did it again, holding me close as if she were hanging on to life. “I said… tell me you don’t want me.”
“You know that would be a lie.” My eyelids closed with the admission, and I knew I shouldn’t say it, but I needed her to know. “God, I want you so bad, Aly. So bad.”
I could feel the affection in her touch as she slowly slid her hands down my chest and over my stomach. Her deep green eyes never released mine when she sat back a little to take hold of the bottom of her tank. Slowly she drew it up, inch by excruciating inch. And I was frozen, everything except for my eyes that trailed her movements as I took in the lush flesh she exposed.
Aly wasn’t wearing a bra, and I thought maybe somewhere in my subconscious I already knew that, but this… this was shocking, too much, and I sucked in a fortifying breath because I had no idea how I was ever going to get out of this.
I didn’t want to.
Aly’s hair fell in a tangled mess around her shoulders as she finally lifted the shirt over her head and dropped it to the floor.
And I was trembling, my body losing all control as my attention shot between her face and her full breasts.
What the hell did she think she was doing to me? This was almost as cruel as making me watch her splash around with Dickhead in that fucking pool last night. Although neither time had there been anything callous in her movements, nothing meant to taunt, and tonight it was clear this was spurred by the same need spinning through her that was spinning through me.
“Touch me,” she commanded, her voice low. There was something in the demand, a hidden shyness that only affirmed the goodness I found in her.
“Aly… damn it… you need to stop.”
“Please,” she begged.
My fingers worked deeper into her hips, and Aly sat back, her hands on my shoulders as she bared herself to me. This girl was so unbelievably gorgeous, her skin a creamy color that seemed to glow in the dim light. So soft. Perfect.
My fingers moved, slowly trailing up her sides, dipping into the faint divots between each of her ribs. “Aleena” quietly slipped from my mouth like a prayer.
With my touch, goose bumps pebbled over the expanse of her skin and the rosy buds of her breasts tightened. Her head listed just to the side as she drew in a shaky breath, her dark hair falling all over one shoulder, a silent whimper falling from her trembling lips.
“Aly, I… ” I looked up at her, unable to understand why someone like her wanted to give herself to someone like me.
“Shh,” she begged. “Don’t, Jared. I need you… want you. I don’t care about anything outside my door. Here, it’s just the two of us.”
Gentle fingers swept down my chest and teased under the hem of my shirt. Warm palms flattened on my bare skin, and she slowly skimmed them up my stomach, dragging my shirt with it, pressing harder as she passed over my ribs. She splayed her fingers wide as her hands moved over my shoulders.
I shook, but I was powerless, so I let her take control. In surrender, I lifted my arms so she could tug the shirt over my head. She tossed it to the floor on top of hers.
Aly sat back to take me in. She’d seen me without my shirt on before. I mean, I’d even let her touch me. But never in my life had I felt as exposed as I did right then. Her fingertips softened as they traced along the outline of my sins, as she caressed the markings of every mistake I’d ever made as if this girl somehow found some kind of beauty in them. She explored, caressed down my chest, back up my sides, and over my shoulders.
She should be repulsed because I was every time I looked in the mirror.
But she was gazing at me, touching me like maybe she really did understand, like she wasn’t humoring me with some kind of bullshit pity party. She leaned down and kissed the dying rose at the center of my chest.
A tremor coursed through my body.
I knew it wasn’t feigned. I could feel it. Aly understood me.
And again I was thinking that maybe she and I did fit because she was fucking perfect and good and every kind of beautiful, and I was corrupted and impure and vile, and just maybe piecing two people together so contrary meant we could somehow create a whole.
That kind of thinking, though, was all just a painful delusion. But right then, I didn’t fucking care. I’d be happy to die in this deception.
“You are so beautiful,” Aly murmured as she reached out to touch my face with nothing but sincerity in her words, and I knew she would be happy to live in this illusion, too.
I folded my arms around her waist and lifted her up as I stood from the chair. She hooked her legs over my hips, locking herself to me, and I was kissing her as I walked her to the bed. She cupped my face in her hands, smiling against my lips, kissing me hard and soft and everything in between, and then she was pressing these little kisses to my chin and my cheeks and my nose.
Something that almost felt like joy rose up from the inside and pushed against my ribs.
Another delusion, but I’d take it.
Because right then, taking felt right.
One of my knees hit the bed, and I crawled up with her still clinging to me. I untangled her from my neck and waist and gently set her on her twisted sheets. I edged back to standing, looking down on this girl who I should be running from instead of running toward.
She lay there wearing nothing but her sleep shorts, her feet flat on the mattress with her knees parted and bent. Her bare chest heaved as she stared up at me staring down at her. A faint smile curved her lips while her eyes continued to explore every inch of my skin.
For the first time in years, I didn’t mind.
“Jared,” she said, her hand fluttering up to beckon me forward. “Please.”
I leaned down to unlace my boots, watching her while she watched me. I stood and kicked them off. Slowly I began to work through the buttons on my fly.
Part of me was praying she’d stop me, that she’d finally grasp reality and see me for exactly what I was. But the rest of me screamed for her. It was like I could feel her spirit sinking under my skin, slipping through my veins, taking hold.
A blink of fear shot through my heart.
No. I don’t get to have this.
I shoved the feeling off.
Pushing my jeans down to the floor, I shrugged them aside and stood at the edge of her bed in my underwear while I took in every inch of the girl who had some kind of insane hold over me.
Light filtered in from the window above her. Her stomach was flat and her breasts were full, her legs so fucking long and slender and strong. She lay there with her arms draped out to the side, rocking a little side to side as if she were just as impatient for me as I was for her. The muscles in my chest and arms twitched and flexed as I slowly climbed onto her bed. I nudged her knees farther apart. With one hand I supported my weight and hovered a foot over her while I touched her face and ran my fingers through her hair.
“Look at you,” I said as I cupped her cheek. My gaze rushed all over her face, along her chin and her delicate neck, down the curves and the lines that I was dying to touch. “Aly, you are so incredibly beautiful. Do you know that? Do you have any idea how perfect you are?”
Redness flushed along her skin. She drew her shoulders up and crushed her chest to mine as she splayed her hands across my back, like an embrace that greeted me body and soul, and I couldn’t imagine feeling closer to anyone until the second she covered my mouth with hers. This kiss was slow, just a gentle caress of her lips on mine, a soft breath of air from her nose.
She pulled back. Meaningfully, she gazed up at me. “I’m not perfect, Jared. No one is.”
A pensive smile formed on my mouth as she wrapped me in undeserved kindness. I wanted to dispute her claim because to me, that’s what she was. This girl who’d shaken me. I wanted to tell her she was wrong because I knew inside that pure heart of hers she believed the two of us were just the same.
Maybe her soul burned so bright she couldn’t see the blackness in mine.
Fingertips trailed along my jaw and wound in the hairs at the nape of my neck.
With a harsh shake of my head, I asked her the same question I’d been asking myself for the last month. “What are we doing, Aly?”
She tightened her hold and whispered along my jaw, “Whatever feels right.”
I released the air from my lungs and gave in. Devoured her mouth. I sucked her bottom lip between both of mine. Her jaw slackened as she fully succumbed to my kiss. Colors flashed behind my eyes as I let my weight cover her, chest to chest, breath to breath. I caged her, her tiny body pinned below mine as our mouths collided, reckless, hard, and demanding.
Heat blanketed us, flames and fire and need. I’d never wanted anyone like this, had never ached to bury myself in someone this way. I wanted to lose myself there, disappearing forever in this blissful delusion.
Aly was panting when I pulled away. She gasped and clutched my head when I dipped down and took the rosy bud of her breast in my mouth. “Oh my God… Jared,” she breathed, her words shooting straight through me.
Writhing, she moaned, and I lifted my weight to my knees so I could drag my flattened palms down her sides. Her muscles jumped and ticked, and she arched as I sucked at her. Almost frantic, her hands tugged at my hair.
I eased, gently kissed along the underside of her breast, then ran my nose back up over the sensitive skin. Her hands loosened and she sighed as she massaged her fingers at the back of my scalp. My kiss traveled the valley of her chest, and I took the opposite breast in my mouth.
Her hands fisted in my hair again. This time, Aly begged, “Please.”
Shit.
And again I was asking, “What are we doing?” because I was hard and straining and so was Aly and all of this seemed so fucking crazy. Because I wanted her. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life, this consuming need that made my head spin and heart pound.
Slipping my hands under her back, I ran them all the way down to cup her perfect round ass and pressed her a little harder into me.
Aly whimpered, a frenzy alight in the depths of her green eyes. She rocked against me, purposed and strong. “Please.”
That was all the confirmation I needed, and I was pushing those little shorts and the black panties hidden underneath over her hips, revealing every inch of this beautiful girl. My chest felt too full, and my stomach tightened as I lowered them down her thighs.
Jerking back, I rested on my knees and tugged her shorts free from her legs.
Fully exposed, Aly stared up at me. Shadows danced in her eyes, her expression tense, and a little mewl slipped from her mouth as she nervously pressed her knees together. In it, I heard so many things, a whimper, a cry, need, and maybe something that sounded like fear.
Caressing her skin, I slowly spread her knees apart. Under my touch, she trembled, her legs shaking as they fell open and her naked body was completely exposed to me. Never before had I witnessed a more perfect sight.
“Shit… Aly… you’re fucking gorgeous.” Maybe it was crass, but damn, she was.
I watched as Aly’s tongue darted out to wet her lips, her hair all tangled around her face. Anxious green eyes stared up at me. Her expression was both intense and shy, shifting with desire and apprehension and lust.
A lick of fear lashed at me again. Squeezing my eyes closed, I swallowed hard and fought for control. This was wrong. So wrong. Yet I just opened my eyes and let my hands wander back down her legs, my palms firm as I ran them up the inside of her thighs. I shifted forward and captured her mouth.
Aly wrapped her legs around my waist.
I rubbed against her, shameless and brash.
“Aly… ”
“Jared… I want you.” Aly’s touch became urgent, her kiss greedy. Desperate hands rushed down my back to grip my ass. “Love me, Jared. Love me.”
My mouth opened in a silent cry that I buried in the haven of her neck. And I wished that I could. Even though I knew that wasn’t what she meant, for one fleeting moment, I wished I could love her and that this beautiful girl could love me back.
Unbridled hunger washed over us in waves, sweat slicking our skin as our bodies grasped for each other.
And I felt powerless, consumed, hard.
So fucking hard.
Overwhelmed, I pushed back to my knees and dropped a kiss to her soft belly. Aly sucked in a sharp breath and her hips jerked from the bed. Then she threaded her fingers in my hair and begged my name. My arms wound under her bent legs, and I tucked her close. Shifting, I leaned forward and rested one hand on the bed beside her waist. Her leg was trapped between my arm and side, scorching my skin.
I glanced up at her. Aly watched me with chaotic eyes as I smoothed the opposite hand along her stomach, down her thigh, and then ran the backs of my fingers over the bare skin at her center.
Aly shook.
I held my breath as I slipped two fingers inside her.
She gasped and writhed, and her hands fisted in the sheets at her sides. She was warm… so fucking warm… and so fucking tight. I searched her, listened to the rapid tumbling of discordant words that whispered from her mouth.
Realization hit me like a flood.
“Why the fuck are you a virgin, Aly?”
Aly just lifted her hips and begged me more. “Please.”
I continued to search her, please her, pressed my thumb to her clit as I lurched forward and covered her mouth with mine, demanding through my kiss, “Why are you a virgin?”
Aly’s hands flew to my face, her hold firm but her eyes sincere as she looked up at me. “Because I want it to matter.”
“Shit… Aly.”
Crushing my chest to hers, I curled my arm over the top of her head and mashed my cheek to hers.
I quickened my hand, my fingers filling her hard and fast.
Her nails cut into the skin of my shoulders, burrowed deep enough to sink into my blackened soul. Aly tightened, her breath rasping from her lungs and filtering across my face. “Jared… I don’t… so good.”
I could feel it hit, her pleasure as she convulsed all around my hand. Affection rushed through my chest.
No.
And still she was begging, “Jared, please,” lifting herself to me as she tried to get to my underwear.
I rose on my knees between her thighs, grabbed her hands, and pinned them to the bed. “No way, Aly.”
I might be an asshole, I might take and take and take, but there was not a chance in hell I was going to take that.
My eyes searched hers, trying to understand, trying to make her understand. “You said you want it to matter.”
Sadness clouded her features. “How could it not matter with you?”
Regret twisted through my gut because I knew better than to have allowed this to completely spin out of control. But it was me who lacked control, and it was Aly who held me.
And it would matter. To me. But that wouldn’t make a fucking difference in the world because I could never be what she needed. Could never be what she deserved.
I would destroy whatever we created, would ruin her, would wreck this beauty.
I loosened the hold on her hands. The tension that had stretched me tight ebbed, and my body softened as I rested my elbows on the bed, bracketing her shoulders. I swept the hair on her forehead from her face. “You matter, Aly. You’ve always mattered to me. But this… ” I twirled a strand of her hair with my finger. “I keep warning you we can’t do this, and you just keep pushing me further and further. I don’t know what it is you think you want from me… what you think I can give you.”
Aly frowned. “I just want you to stay.”
She made it sound so simple. Easy.
Stay.
Staying here would only be another transgression added to the uncountable others. Another blemish. Another mark. Surrender heaved from my lungs in a heavy sigh.
I’d already fucked it all up anyway. In the end, what would staying a little longer change? No doubt, when I finally left, it was going to hurt.
I spread my palm over the cheek of her trusting face.
Not just me, but it was going to hurt Aly, too.
“Stay,” she whispered again, lifting her chin to place a tender kiss on my mouth.
I rolled to the side and took her with me. “This is crazy.”
She wiggled closer and plastered herself to my side. “I know… but I like it.”
Quietly I laughed at the simplicity that was unbearably complex, and I smoothed my hand over the top of her head. “You do, huh?”
Her fingers tickled over my sensitive stomach. “Yeah, I do.”
I squeezed her and turned my mouth to her ear. “No sex, Aly. You waited this long… don’t waste it.” And fuck, if my body wasn’t still screaming for her. But I meant it.
“Okay,” she whispered seriously, her hand trailing up my torso to flatten on my chest. Then she lifted herself up on her elbow, a new shyness taking her over as she chewed at the inside of her lip. “Will you let me touch you?” she asked as she moved to straddle my legs and sat back on her knees.
She didn’t wait for an answer.
A slow moan locked in my throat when she freed me, and vibrations rocked me to my core when she took me in her hand. I shot up to sitting, gripped her head in my hands, and bunched her hair in my fingers, kissed her hard.
This girl. This girl.
“Aleena.”
Why would she want someone like me?
“Jared,” she breathed. Her soft hand was wrapped around me, her intense green eyes locked on mine as she began to move. Slowly at first, almost tentative. “Is this okay?” she murmured.
Okay? This girl just had no idea what she did to me.
“Fuck, Aly… that feels so good. You don’t even know.”
A whisper of a smile edged her mouth, her tongue darting out to wet her lips as she increased her pace. She leaned back a fraction to make herself room, bringing her other hand up to anchor to my neck.
We were nose-to-nose, and the air panted from her mouth mixed with mine as she heightened me to a pleasure that shouldn’t have been possible.
I grunted, my body fucking straining, desperate for more of her touch. “Aly… shit.” Pleasure shot through every nerve in my body as I came.
And Aly was kissing me, whispering my name as she led me through my release.
I wound her in my arms and buried my face in her chest, clinging to her. Because God, I didn’t want to let her go.
Aly slipped off my lap and pulled me down to her side. Warmth swam in her eyes as she stared at me, gentle fingers brushing through my hair. “Thank you… for tonight… for staying here with me.”
I kissed her forehead, unable to understand this girl. “You’re beautiful, Aly.”
She snuggled into my side and I held her closer, listened to her breaths as they slowed and evened, her heartbeat a steady thrum against my ribs as she drifted off to sleep. I got lost in it, lulled by it. Finally I let go and closed my eyes.
Sleep teased along the edges of my mind, a murky haze taking hold. Colors flashed. In defense, I squeezed my eyes tighter. But the inevitable came. Helplessly I watched as trails of blood made a distorted path down one side of her face. My chest convulsed and I was sure it was fire that pricked and singed my flesh.
“Jared,” she mumbled.
So badly I wanted to cry, but no tears would come, like they were locked inside with the fear and the pain.
She looked so sad. So sad and so scared.
But still she managed to smile.
A soft hand came to my face and moved down to cup my neck. “Shh,” Aly whispered. “Wake up, Jared. You’re shaking. It’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay.”
My eyes flew open to meet the pitch-black darkness of Aly’s room. Sweat drenched my body, and ragged breaths rasped from my lungs.
Aly pulled me closer and placed a kiss just below my ear. “It’s okay.”
I crushed her to my chest, my frantic heart pounding against hers. It wasn’t fucking okay. It never would be. But just for a little while, I wanted to pretend it was.
We lay together, curled up as one, and I fell asleep again and slept like I hadn’t for so, so long.
Faint light seeped through the window, and I awoke to find Aly sleeping in my arms. Her hair was spread all around us, the length spilling out behind her and a few wayward pieces crawling across my chest. I pressed my nose to her hair and breathed her in. One of her arms was draped across my chest, her flawless skin a striking contrast against the colors marring mine.
The pure and the impure.
Guilt seeped all the way to my bones.
I kissed her head and untangled myself from her hold. Pausing at her door, I listened to the silence on the other side, before I slipped out into the main room. Christopher’s door was closed. Who knew what time he’d come in last night? I sure hadn’t heard him.
Guess I’d been otherwise occupied.
I flopped onto the couch. A tangle of emotions surged through me. Mainly it was guilt, but simmering beneath that was something that felt… good.
Really good.
I resisted a smile when I thought of Aly falling asleep in my arms. I itched to return to her, to climb into the warmth of her bed and her spirit, to sink in and never let go.
Instead I grabbed my notebook and a pack of cigarettes and headed out the sliding door to the balcony. Morning threatened at the horizon and I slid to the concrete floor. Lighting a cigarette, I took a drag and drew it deep into my lungs, then released it toward the sky.
Shaking my head, I pulled my notebook onto my lap. I thumbed through to the back. The pages were thick, tattered, words scribbled and bleeding together in savage chaos.
Except for the few pages where she lived, where in my words she was more than just a fantasy and I had brought her to life. I turned to them and lost myself there.
Two hours later I sat on the couch beside Christopher. He was playing one of the video games we used to play years before. He’d staggered from his room about thirty minutes ago, looking about as disheveled as I felt. It was early, and I had no idea why he was up since the guy tended to sleep half the day away. He’d grunted a “good morning” as he slumped to the couch and flipped on the TV in the same motion.
After what went down last night, shame was twitching my fingers. I did my best to act normal, but that kind of deception was hard to manage because what happened between Aly and me was anything but normal.
Even if it felt so right.
I rubbed a nervous hand across my tense jaw, listening as the shower in Aly’s bathroom sprang to life.
God, the girl was dangerous. A minute ago she had quietly slipped across the hall from her bedroom to the bathroom, shooting me a shy smile as she passed. Crimson colored her face with a ridiculous blush, and her hair was all a mess because my fingers had been tangled in it all night. She wore the same tank and shorts that had been discarded on her floor.
My knee bounced because I was thinking about Aly peeling them from her body before she climbed under the hot sheets of water in the shower.
Closing my eyes, I fought for restraint.
It was Saturday, which meant no work for me, and I had no idea what I was going to do with my sorry ass all day. Aly had to work. How pathetic was it that I didn’t want her to go?
The shower shut off, and a few minutes later Aly emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel. She rushed to her room and clicked the door shut behind her.
I shot off the couch and sought the isolation of the bathroom. I didn’t think I could handle sitting by Christopher any longer, hanging on to this secret that felt like a million tons on my shoulders. So much of me wanted to shout it, to scream out that I had touched beauty, that for a few minutes I had felt more than the nothingness that was my life. Years of isolation did that to a person, and when emotions were freed, it was hard to keep them contained.
But instinctively I knew to keep my mouth shut.
When I left, I wouldn’t leave Aly ashamed, couldn’t bear to shed light on the sickness I was tainting her with. This would be our secret, our fantasy, and for just a little while, I was giving in to it.
Steam filled the small space, and the mirror was coated, hiding me in the misty haze. I swept my hand across the surface and looked at my reflection in the foggy mirror.
Hate spun through my insides and throbbed down my limbs.
What the hell did she see?
When I heard her bedroom door open, I quickly opened the bathroom door, wanting to catch a glimpse of her before she left for the day. Feigning apathy, I slowed when I stepped out into the hall.
She stood at the bar, gathering her things.
“Have to work today, huh?” I asked. As if I didn’t already know.
She dropped her face, looking all shy and innocent and perfect, and then shoved her wallet into her purse. “Yeah. I’m just working the short lunch shift, though, so I’ll be off a little after one.” Gathering up the mass of dark hair from her neck, Aly twisted it into a ponytail. “It shouldn’t be too bad,” she said.
She glanced up at me with awareness in her eyes, as if she knew exactly what I was thinking, that I couldn’t stand to watch her leave. She knew I was going to be counting the hours before she returned and she even knew how much I absolutely hated the fact that I would be. The thing that twisted me all up was Aly looking as if she felt the same, like she was dying to bury those fingers in my skin.
I fisted my hand. It took everything I had not to push her up against the wall and kiss her senseless.
Considering Christopher was sitting on the couch playing video games, I figured that was a really fucking bad idea. I sat back and played it cool.
“I guess I’ll see you later,” Aly said as she heaved her ridiculously huge purse onto her shoulder.
I barely lifted my chin, blithe and indifferent. “Sure… drive safe.”
She turned away, stole a glance back at me, then turned to leave. “See you after work, Christopher.”
Furiously he thumbed at his controller. “Bye,” he said as if he couldn’t be disturbed long enough to notice she was there.
Aly walked away, her dark ponytail swishing along her back. She opened the door and bright sunlight burst around her frame as she stepped out into the day.
I inched forward to the end of the hall. I realized I was standing there like an idiot, watching the space she’d just taken up as she snapped the door shut behind her.
Shit.
“You better watch yourself, man.” The warning dripped low and slow through Christopher’s lips, hardness coiled tightly in the words.
Taken aback, I blinked hard and turned my attention to where he sat with his focus trained entirely on the TV. I swallowed down the pool of saliva that gathered at the back of my throat. “What are you talking about?”
Incredulous laughter seeped from Christopher, and he slowly shook his head in disbelief. “You think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been looking at my little sister?” He cut his eyes to me, scrutinizing me in clear disgust, before he tore them back to the TV. “I wasn’t joking when I said her room was off-limits. I just didn’t think I’d have to spell it out for you.”
I tried to rein in the panic that jackhammered in my brain. Guilt hit me hard, but not hard enough to keep me away from Aly. My body still burned with the residue of her touch. Nothing would stop me from going back for more.
Just a little more.
I shook my head and forced a frown that could only speak of my own distaste. “We’re just friends, Christopher. We’ve always been. You know that.” The words pushed out with the force of my faked revulsion, blended with the solemn oath. “She’s like a sister to me.” My tongue burned with the lie, and this time the guilt was consuming.
I was just going to stand here and lie straight-faced to my best friend?
He will hate me before I’m gone.
He turned to face me fully, his green eyes probing.
In discomfort, I fidgeted.
Then he slowly nodded. “Sorry, man… I just… we already talked about Aly being different than the rest of these girls. I can’t stand the thought of someone fucking with her.”
My exhale came heavy. “I know that.” She was perfect. I hated the thought of someone fucking with her, too. Especially if it was me.