The next night, moonlight soaked into my otherwise darkened room. Tonight the moon was high, bright, full. I’d gotten home from work to an empty apartment. There was something about a quiet night like this that fueled my imagination and gave me inspiration, even though the product on my page reflected nothing that shone in the sky. My hand swished in quick strokes. The paper felt thick under my skin. I wet my bottom lip, chewed at it a little, then lifted my face to look out my bedroom window again. I didn’t have the best view in the world, just a portion of the parking lot below that was lit by streetlamps, although at least they were dim enough that I could still see a whisper of clouds stretched thin across the sky. I contemplated the sight for a bit, before I turned my consideration back to the sketch pad I had balanced on my lap.
I still didn’t know what to make of it, what to make of him. The last week had left my head swimming. It was like Jared and I were in this constant tug-of-war that neither of us knew how to play, pushing and pulling, attracting and repelling.
Reading him seemed impossible. Sometimes I thought I saw it – him looking at me the way I looked at him – like maybe he wanted to touch me, to experience what I’d feel like under his skin. Because God, there was no way to describe how much I wanted to feel him under mine.
But every time I thought we were making progress, he’d grow cold.
I frowned as I tilted the pad. Realization set in as I shaded in the lines that constantly tugged at the edge of his perfect mouth.
No. It wasn’t coldness in his expression.
It was fear.
At the faint tapping at my door, my head snapped up. The shift in my heart rate was immediate. Blood pumped hard, forcing the acceleration of my pulse.
Steadying my voice, I called softly, “Come in.”
Slowly, the doorknob turned, and the door cracked open a fraction. The face I couldn’t get off my mind peeked through, a halo of light from the hall silhouetting him. The apprehension that had pounded my pulse two seconds before was set at ease with just the hint of his presence.
“Hey,” Jared murmured, blinking as he seemed to adjust to the dim light.
“Hi. What are you up to?” I shifted so I could see him better.
His eyes narrowed as if trying to make out the scene playing out in my room, his attention zeroing in on me sitting cross-legged on my bed with the large sketch pad in my lap.
He dropped his head to the side, and I could see the flicker of a smile twisting at one corner of his lips, this hint of uncertainty holding him back. “I couldn’t sleep… and… I don’t know. I thought maybe you were still awake.”
Flipping my sketch pad closed, I set it aside, cocking my head at him. “And what if I wasn’t? You were just going to wake me up? It is after midnight, you know.”
It was all tease. As if his interruption could ever be one I didn’t welcome. By now that had to be obvious.
I wanted him here.
A self-conscious chuckle rumbled in his throat, and he covered his mouth with his palm, dragging it over the length of his jaw and down his chin. When he dropped his hand, a less than remorseful grin had emerged on his face, and even in the muted light, I could see the mischief in his eyes. “So maybe I was passing down the hall and just happened to hear a little rustling in your room when I put my ear to your door.”
“Really?” I said with all the offended disbelief I could project into my voice. “You were listening at my door?”
He slipped inside and silently shut the door behind him. “What? I’m fucking bored,” he said just over his breath, completely shameless. “Sue me.”
I shook my head. “You’ve got a lot of nerve, Jared Holt,” I whispered so he could barely hear. My brow lifted as I sucked in my bottom lip, raking my teeth on it before I set it free, feigned disappointment in the tsk of my tongue. “In some circles, that admission might earn you a reputation.”
He laughed as he started across my room. I didn’t miss the hardness in the sound. “I already have a reputation, Aly.”
My gaze locked on him as he moved toward me. I didn’t even attempt to force myself to look away as he crossed the room.
Any attempt would be in vain.
He’d showered, and his blond hair had darkened to a near brown and was pushed back from his face. Sleep pants sat low on his waist, the strength of his chest covered by a tight black V-neck tee. His story peeked above its neckline, the vestige of a distorted rose rising up at the center of his chest. Under his shirt I knew that rose was in full bloom, the red petals beginning to fall like wilted teardrops. Green and blue tendrils of smoke and vines stretched out in a twisted bough around it, crawling along the exposed portion of his collarbones. My gaze traced the ink down his arms to hands that were fisted as he advanced toward me.
My stomach tightened.
God, part of me wished he weren’t so beautiful. Maybe then I’d have a chance to look away, to guard my heart, to save myself from the need he had built up in me. But with every step he took, it only increased.
I still couldn’t make sense of what had happened last night while I was texting Gabe. Jared’s reaction had come at me so quickly it’d left me blindsided and in a bumbling stupor that had taken a few seconds to pass. I couldn’t tell if he was playing the asshole overprotective brother or the asshole possessive boyfriend.
Either way, it’d been an asshole move.
But just as quickly as his outburst had come, he’d softened, and I had felt a sadness saturate him, so strong it was tangible. It had wrapped us tight, thickening the air. Nothing had ever been harder than that moment when I’d forced myself to lie still and pretend I was interested in the movie when all I wanted to do was roll over so I could see his face, to find something written there that might help me understand what he was feeling. My palms had burned with the need to be pressed to his chest or maybe to his face, and my body had itched to see if maybe he’d hold me the way I longed for him to.
Most of all, I had wanted to tell him. So bad it hurt.
But instead I’d forced myself to pretend to be asleep.
Now I scooted farther back against the headboard to make room for him.
He sat down on the edge of my bed.
“So you couldn’t sleep?” I asked.
Those bare feet were flat on my carpet, his forearms resting on his knees. He cocked his head up, this pensive twist to his full lips as he drew his eyes into tight slits, studying me. I got the distinct feeling a decision was being made. Finally he spoke, honesty laced in his words. “No, I can sleep, Aly. I’d just rather not.”
As simple as it was, somehow I knew he was sharing a sliver of the secrets he kept. This was Jared’s way of opening up to me.
I brought my sketch pad back to my lap as some sort of security blanket, and tucked my knees up higher to my chest so I could open it to my last drawing and still keep it hidden. Keeping my eyes on the page, I took a chance. “Why?”
My attention flicked to his face, shot back to the pad just as fast. Instinctively my hands went to work, and the sound of my soft strokes covered the mild discomfort between us.
Jared sighed, shifted, threaded his fingers together between his knees. He stared at the floor. “Because when I close my eyes, I see things I don’t want to see.” Low, humorless laughter escaped his mouth. “They are always there, Aly, but when I close my eyes” – he released a ragged breath – “the images I see are, like… vivid.” He frowned deeply, as if shielding himself from them now. “Real. So fucking real… like it’s happening right then and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”
My spirit thrashed as if I was somehow sharing in his pain. I swallowed, refusing to allow myself to speak because I knew right then what Jared really needed was someone to listen.
Lifting his chin in my direction, Jared seemed to contemplate my pencil, his head gently bobbing as if absorbing the movement of the strokes of my hand. I licked my lips and carried on as if I weren’t nailed to the bed by his penetrating gaze.
“I bet what I see is just as real to me as whatever the pictures you keep hidden in the pages of those books are to you.”
Shock stilled my hand, and my eyes snapped up to him.
Pain wrapped around his features and deepened the lines that seemed to be permanently etched between his eyebrows. I was caught in it, and couldn’t look away.
My voice was soft. “I draw and you wish you could erase.”
His lids dropped closed, stayed that way for a moment, his jaw clenching and unclenching, before he opened them to me. “You create and I destroy.”
I slowly shook my head, my words hoarse. “That’s not what I meant.”
Sighing, he turned his attention back to his feet. “It doesn’t mean it’s not the truth.”
Silence settled over us for a few minutes, and I could feel the shift, the way he’d tucked our words somewhere inside himself, as if maybe I’d earned a token of his trust.
Then he looked at me with an amused smile, gesturing to my sketch pad with his chin. “Can I see?”
Shaking my head, I buried a smile by biting my lip. “You should know better than that, Jared.”
A throaty chuckle filled my room, and he lay back on my bed. My toes were pressed into the covers just at his side. And I loved it, loved that he wanted to be here with me, loved that what I saw in him was kind.
Even if he couldn’t see it himself.
He wove his fingers together and rested them on his chest, the incongruous numbers tattooed across his knuckles meshed. He sat very still, and seemed to drift away in his thoughts.
I kept my attention on my page, until I felt the gravity of his stare burning into my forehead, like I could sense a pull. Drawn to him. I always had been.
When I turned to him, the grin on his face was something I almost didn’t recognize because it’d been so long since I’d seen it. But I had, so many times before. I’d witnessed it in the carefree boy who had meant everything to me.
His blue eyes danced as they flitted from my sketch pad to my face. “It used to drive me fucking crazy that you wouldn’t let me see what you kept hidden inside those books.”
I gasped when he suddenly moved. He twisted onto his knees in almost a crouch, his chin tucked and his gaze peeking at me from just above the top margin of my book. Predatory. As if at any second he was going to pounce and wrestle it from me. My breath caught. Tingles sped under the surface of my skin, and he hadn’t even touched me.
My hands tightened around the edges of my sketch pad like a vise.
“And you know what, Aly?” His eyes darted everywhere, absorbing, taking in the lines of my face, my mouth, my hands, the pad I clutched to my chest, before they fixed firmly on my own. “It still drives me fucking crazy.”
Strength bunched in the muscles rippling along his shoulders, but in his movements there was this playfulness, so much like I remembered. An echo of our childhood sounded in my ear, the way he’d pestered and begged me to let him see, but never forced me into anything I didn’t want to do.
At that time it was because I was embarrassed and afraid he might make fun of me. I didn’t want him to see the inexperience in my drawings. Now it was because it’d be like slicing my heart open and exposing everything I wasn’t ready for him to see.
It’d scare him as much as it scared me.
Shock stunned me when he abruptly grabbed me by the ankles and dragged me down, forcing me flat on the bed. The sketch pad slid off my lap, facedown on the sheets.
Suddenly I was staring up at Jared’s gorgeous face as he hovered over me. He straddled my waist, and I couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, could only feel the blood coursing through my veins and pounding in my ears.
His nose was an inch from mine, his hands resting on both sides of my head, but he was everywhere – everywhere – sinking into my consciousness and my spirit.
Then he smirked, all cute and smug, and my eyes went wide when the realization hit me. “Oh my God, Jared Holt, don’t you even think about it. Don’t you dare,” I begged in a whisper, my voice strained with need and a little bit of old childhood fear.
He knew exactly how to get me.
“What?” he asked with feigned innocence, before his fingers began to tap at the center of my chest on my breastbone with his index fingers. His legs cinched around my sides to keep my arms pinned to the bed. This had been Christopher and Jared’s favorite form of torture.
I bucked up, trying to throw him from my body, or maybe I was trying to bring him closer; I couldn’t tell. “Jared… stop… Oh my God, you’re such an ass.”
I made an attempt at flailing my arms. His thighs held them down. Held me down.
Oh my God.
He laughed, quiet and low. “You’ve tortured me for years. Don’t you think it’s only fair I pay you back a little?”
The taps came harder, faster, his touch no longer that of a boy’s fingers, but now heavy and strong. But somehow it felt the same.
How intensely had I missed this?
The push and pull. The tease and the taunt.
I’d missed my friend.
Furiously, I squirmed. Tears gathered, streaking down the sides of my face, and dripping into my hair before I knew it. A low whine rose from deep within my throat and mixed with the quiet laughter I couldn’t hold back.
A hushed chuckle tumbled from Jared’s mouth, so thick it was almost a pant, his expression so soft, like just maybe he was seeing the exact same thing as I was.
And I could feel this change in the air. As if every cell in his body shifted, Jared slowed, then stilled. Mesmerized, I watched as his tongue flicked out to wet his full lips. I was hyperaware of every inch of his body that touched mine, the fire that lit under my skin, how our chests rose and fell in sync. He raised a cautious hand, his attention pitching between my eyes and his intent. A dense hesitation weighted his movements before he seemed to give in and gently ran the back of his fingers along the trail of tears that had slipped down my temple.
A fragmented sigh stuttered from my lips as they parted. Never had I felt anything better than what I found in Jared’s touch.
His gaze captured mine before his fingertips traced down my cheek, swept along my jaw, and barely glanced over my lips. “You grew up on me, Aly,” he murmured, the words rough, almost in awe.
“You were gone for a long time,” I whispered against the fingers he fluttered along my bottom lip.
“For too long.” He seemed to blink away the thought, as if he didn’t want to believe the truth that had just fallen from his mouth. He rolled to his side. Intuition made me follow, and I turned to lie face-to-face with him. In silence, I stared at the boy who had held me hostage in my heart and mind for so long. My secret.
Could anything be more surreal than the fact that he now lay in my bed?
Thankfulness swept through me in a torrent of joy.
Smiling softly, he reached out and pressed the pad of his thumb to my chin. The notion was sweet, but it did things to me that I didn’t quite understand. I mean, I did. I understood desire, the overwhelming need that built in the pit of my stomach and longed for more. But this was so much greater than that.
“I bet whatever you keep hidden in the pages of those books is absolutely beautiful, Aly.” He swallowed, diverting his gaze to the far wall before he dropped it to meet mine. A tender palm came to rest on the side of my face. He caressed his thumb over the apple of my cheek. “How could it not be? Look at you… you have to be the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.”
Pain reverberated in his words. Still they wrapped around me like the warmest embrace.
My fingers ventured to his chest, twisting in his shirt. The strong throb of his pulse thundered under them. “Everything I love is in the pages of those books, Jared.”
The admission sounded like a confession of my heart. I realized that was exactly what it was. On some level I wanted him to know what he wasn’t ready to hear.
Stark sunlight blinded my eyes. I squinted and adjusted my sunglasses as I settled back in my chair and lifted my face to the intensity of the summer sun. Stretching my legs out in front of me, I bathed in the comfort seeping into my skin.
Megan slurped from her iced coffee beside me. “I’m sweating like a dog over here, Aly.”
I tossed her a grin. Her blond hair was all mussed and piled in a mess on the top of her head as she fanned at the back of her neck. “You are such a wimp.” I lifted my face back to the sky. “Are you ever going to get used to the heat or am I destined to hear you complain about it for the rest of our lives?”
“Um, yeah, you’re probably going to hear me complain about it for the rest of our lives. There will be no shaking Rhode Island from my bones just like there’s no shaking Phoenix from yours.”
“Touché.” I smirked, and she laughed before she leaned her elbows on the small bistro table between us.
“I feel like I haven’t hung out with you in forever. I miss you,” she said. She took another sip from her straw, and I went for mine. We sat outside a little coffee shop on Mill, watching people as they ambled down the busy street. This was the first day we’d had to ourselves since the night when my life had been tilted on its axis.
Thrown, really. I no longer knew where I stood.
Megan and I had shared a few texts, but our work schedules seemed to always conflict, and we hadn’t really connected in the three weeks that had passed.
“I know. It’s ridiculous I haven’t talked to you in so long.” My brow piqued in question as I turned in her direction. “So, how are things with Sam?”
She shrugged and busied herself with her straw. Sadness wove through her sigh. “I always promised myself I’d never be that girl… the needy one who’d do anything to win that little bit of attention that some guy is willing to give her.” She released a bitter laugh. It was a little angry and a lot disappointed. She offered me a telling smile. “I didn’t make him work for it, Aly.” She blew out a breath. “I should have listened to you. Now it’s like I’m sitting around waiting for… something… anything. Sometimes it seems like he’s totally into me, and the next it’s like he couldn’t care less that I exist.” She shook her head at herself. “So stupid.”
I swiveled toward her and leaned on the table. I couldn’t stand this coming from her. Guilt twisted in me, because I should have realized something was going on when I received her texts. I should have been there for her.
She chewed at her lip. “You know that’s not me, right?”
“Megan.” I frowned and edged in closer. “I’m not going to judge you. You know me better than that. We never know how things are going to turn out, and more important than that, we can’t help how we feel.”
She nodded, but the small jerks of her head resonated with shame. “But you’ve always been so strong. You’ve never allowed yourself to become vulnerable like that. I mean, sometimes it makes me worry about you and I get scared you’re never going to find someone to love because you won’t put yourself out there to be loved. But mostly, I’ve just admired you.”
Another stab of guilt. I’d always been vulnerable. I’d just never been honest enough to allow her to see it. “I guess I’ve been holding out for the right guy, Megan. We all find them at different times and in different ways.”
Only I found mine when I was fourteen. A flutter swam through my being, Jared’s youthful smile forever etched in my mind. Really, I’d known him my entire life. I found him in almost every memory I had.
Confusion creased Megan’s brow. “How will we ever know when it’s right?”
Pursing my lips, I took a chance at what I knew as my own truth. “I think we’ll just know.”
She groaned and dropped her forehead to the table. “But this feels so right… and so completely wrong.”
Quiet laughter spilled from my mouth. “You have it bad, Megan.”
She grinned up at me from her resting place on the table. “Pathetic, aren’t I?”
“Nah.” I shook my head. “It isn’t worth it if it doesn’t hurt a little.”
She rose, nodding as if those were the most important words I’d ever said.
Or perhaps the most foolish.
“So, what about you? Have you been hanging out with Gabe?”
Pausing, I searched for what to say before I finally answered. “No. I’ve been busy at work and at home.”
Speculation lifted her brow, and I knew the questions were coming. “Busy at home, huh? Does this have anything to do with this mysterious visitor who showed up a couple of weeks ago? One I’ve never even heard of before? Hmm?” She drew this out in a suggestive prod. She struggled for a look of offense. I thought she might be too innocently beautiful for it ever to work.
“He’s just an old friend, Megan,” I said with the least amount of defensiveness I could inject in it. No need to raise more suspicion than I already had.
“And not important enough that you ever thought to mention him to me?”
No. It was completely the opposite. He’d been so important it seemed impossible to utter his name.
“It’s not that, Megan,” I admitted. “We were all really good friends when we were younger… We grew up together. Even though Christopher was his best friend, he was my best friend. You know?”
I searched her face, wondering if she could understand. Her expression told me maybe she did. Sadness clouded my tone. “In one day, he lost it all, Megan.”
“What happened?”
“There was this accident… ” I shook my head. “He could never see past what happened and he started making some really bad choices. We all watched him fall apart and we couldn’t do anything about it. He ended up getting arrested and sent away.” I lifted one shoulder in resignation. “That was the last time I saw him.”
“So he’s the one,” she mused.
“What are you talking about?”
“Just because you keep secrets, Aly, doesn’t mean I don’t know you have them.”
I couldn’t say anything. My throat was suddenly dry.
“You care about him a lot, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “I have no idea how long he’s staying, so I’ve been spending as much time with him as I can.” I didn’t mention that I would be devastated when he left.
Since we’d watched that movie in an attempt to drown out another of Christopher’s conquests, Jared had snuck into my room every night. Two weeks had passed since the night after when he’d first touched me, the hand on my face rocking something loose deep inside me. Every night he’d come to me, his knuckles lightly rapping against my door before he would silently enter into the dimness of my room. He always came when it was late, an hour or two after I’d told him and Christopher I was going to bed. I’d say good night, then lie awake in my room listening as the apartment slowly fell into silence. It was as if I could anticipate him in the moment before he knocked on my door from, a subtle tension filling the space as I waited. Why he felt the need to sneak into my room, I didn’t really know. But it was like he got it, too. The time we spent together felt like something that was our own, a secret shared between friends as the trust between us grew. I’d come to expect him just as much as he seemed to expect me, and a slow trust had begun to build between us.
We’d talk for hours about nothing and everything. I’d glide along the banks of his sadness, dipping my toes to test the water but without ever diving into the torrent where I knew Jared continued to drown. My mouth was continually dry, begging to be opened, to ask the questions I so desperately wanted to know.
But I was scared, didn’t want to douse this weak flame that had been lit. If I pushed him beyond the place he seemed comfortable taking me to, I was sure he’d stamp the fire out just as quickly as he’d struck it.
The worst of it was how badly I ached, and each night it only grew. I wanted him, more than anything I’d ever wanted in my life. It didn’t help that he was constantly brushing his fingers along my face, weaving them through my hair as he wound my confusion higher.
But it never went past that.
Megan tilted her head as she dug a little, a whisper of a grin threatening at her mouth. “Is he hot?”
“Megan,” I scolded, before I laughed and shook my head. Slanting my eyes in her direction, I gave in. “Incredibly.”
It felt really good to admit it. To hell with raising suspicions.
She snorted and sat back in her chair. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you blush before, Aly Moore.”
“I’m not blushing,” I insisted, even though I could feel the heat on my cheeks. Damn it. “It’s just hot out here.”
“Sure it is.” Her smirk deepened before she gentled it into a smile. “I’m glad your best friend is back, Aly… even if he is encroaching on my best friend territory,” she teased, although there was nothing that even suggested jealousy in her words.
It wasn’t hard to see why she’d so easily become mine.
Megan and I parted with a huge hug in front of our cars. “See you soon,” I said before I dropped into the driver’s seat of my car and headed home. Anticipation spurred me forward. Going home had become what I looked forward to most.
Was it ridiculous I could hardly wait to see Jared again?
Maybe.
But like I’d told Megan, I had no idea how long he would stay, how much time I’d be granted.
I wanted every second I could get.
Pulling through the apartment gates, I wove through the complex and parked in my space. My steps were light as I crossed the pavement. The sun hung low on the horizon, the evening’s promise of the coming darkness. Pink rays stretched far across the sky, painted the clouds every color of pink and blue and orange. The edges of the clouds lit like a burning rim of fire before they were swallowed by the approaching night.
Gorgeous.
I hurried up the steps and let myself into the apartment. Christopher was in the kitchen. Making dinner. I fumbled to a standstill, taken aback. A slow smile slid across my face. What was going on here?
Jared sat at the bar, the heels of his boots hooked on the barstool, sipping from a beer. God, was he beautiful.
He looked up as I entered, this welcoming smile crossing his face that touched me from across the room. “Hey,” he said.
Christopher peeked at me from over his shoulder. “Aly! Where have you been? I thought you were off today.”
I dropped my purse to the floor and tossed my keys on top of it. “I was. I was just hanging out with Megan this afternoon.”
“I was getting worried. I’m making you dinner.”
I shot Jared a worried glance, then turned back to Christopher. “You’re making dinner, huh? Should I be concerned?”
He laughed. “Nope. No reason for concern. I just feel bad you’re feeding us all the time. Figured it was my turn.” Christopher leaned in to smell the pot. “And this is going to be fucking delicious. Just wait.” He grinned at me. “See, no need to worry, little sister.”
Wandering into the kitchen, I grabbed a soda from the fridge. I closed the door with my hip and leaned back against the cool metal. Jared sat directly opposite me, something playing around the edges of his mouth. He shook his head before he lifted his bottle to drain the rest of his beer, exposing the underside of his muscular neck. I wanted nothing more than to press my mouth to it.
I wondered what he’d think if he knew my thoughts, if he saw what I continually played out in my mind. Did he want it as much as I did? Did he think of me when he left my room to take his place on the couch while I lay on my bed, wishing he were sharing it with me instead?
He lowered his bottle, eyeing me over the top.
I hoped he did.
When I sensed Christopher watching me, I dropped my attention to the floor. Whatever he was thinking, he shook off, and he grabbed some plates from the cupboard. “Okay, this is ready, you two.”
I walked up behind Christopher and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Thank you. This was really sweet of you.”
He handed me a plate, smirking. “Don’t get used to it.”
I covered my heart with my hand. “I wouldn’t dare.”
We all moved to the table and ate the stew Christopher had made together like the family we had once been. Satisfaction churned in my depths. I peeked up at Jared as I took a bite, and that same place deep inside me clenched.
How badly my heart wanted him to stay.
My gut warned me he would not.
When we finished, I gathered our plates to do the dishes. Christopher grabbed them a couple of beers. I passed. The two of them moved to the couch, and Christopher flipped on the TV and turned it to a game.
Once I finished the dishes, I went into my room, picked out a book, and retreated outside to the balcony. I settled onto a chair. The small lamp mounted to the wall shed muted light on the words splayed across the pages. Tonight it seemed impossible to focus on them. Instead I watched the lightning touching down in the distance, the gathering of cumulus clouds as they rose high and ominous in the night sky, illuminated in the bright flashes of light. Nothing could compare in beauty to a desert storm.
I got lost in it.
I jumped when the balcony door slid open. My face flashed up to meet Jared’s smiling one.
“What are you doing out here all by yourself?” he asked as he stepped out onto the balcony.
“Just relaxing.” I drew my feet up onto the chair and hugged my knees to my chest. “It’s so beautiful out here.”
Jared slid down against the wall the way he always did, his knees bent and his feet flat on the concrete. He dipped his head to the side as he lit a cigarette. Smoke curled up around his face, casting him in a veiled halo. He inhaled deeply as all the weight seemed to drop from his shoulders. He exhaled toward the sky, spoke quietly. “This was always my favorite time of year.”
“It’s always been mine, too.” I hugged myself a little tighter. “I love that I can feel the monsoon coming… building up.”
A comfortable silence coiled us together, as if we both were lost in the memories of the summers we’d shared long ago. They’d been so easy and good.
“Do you remember that lightning storm we got stuck in?” he asked before he took another drag, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees. “When we were at the tree fort and the storm came really close?”
Mild embarrassment tugged one side of my mouth into a smile. “Yeah.”
Jared’s laughter was warm, a low rumble from the deepest part of his being. “God, you were the cutest fucking kid I ever met. Always trying to act so tough so you could hang out with us. But the second that bolt of lightning struck out in the field, you froze.” He chuckled and smoke filtered from his open mouth as he lifted his face to the night sky.
And I could see it, the bright flash of energy that sizzled through the air when the lightning struck just a hundred or so yards away.
Quietly, Jared continued. “Christopher hightailed it out of there, but no matter what I said, there was no getting you down from that tree fort. God, that was probably the worst place to be in a lightning storm.”
My voice softened as I floated through the ripples of his memory. “You sat with me in that tree for an hour while it poured rain down on us.” Even then, his arms had been warm as he sheltered me from the cold. A comfort. And he’d promised me he’d never leave me behind.
Warmth swam in the pools of his blue eyes. “We were in so much trouble when we finally got home. Your mom was so pissed off at me. Said I should have known better than to keep you out in that weather. Mom busted my ass when your mom sent me home… . I must’ve been grounded for a week… ” He trailed off, and he dropped his head, his fingers twitching in agitation.
I raised my face to meet his when he finally looked back up at me. “And you never told it was me who’d begged you to stay.” I hesitated, drew in a breath, before I said, “You were my best friend, Jared.”
A wistful smile ridged his perfect mouth. Then he shook it off and stamped out his cigarette. “It’s hot out here. I’m going to head inside.”
I nodded away his excuse. Guess that time I’d dipped my toes in too deep.
“Okay,” I mumbled, turning my attention back to the horizon, as Jared climbed to his feet and slipped back inside without a parting word.
An hour passed before I finally gathered my things to go inside. I pulled the slider open to find Jared and Christopher on the couch, watching a game. The room was dark save for the images playing out on the screen. Christopher seemed absorbed while Jared seemed detached.
And I didn’t know what it was, but a surge of bravery flooded me. I took a chance. I passed close by the back of the couch and wove my shaky fingers through Jared’s hair. It was soft. So soft. He trembled beneath my touch. I suppressed the overwhelming need I felt to bury my face in the haven of it, maybe to press my nose to his neck and inhale. To breathe him in. Instead I edged around the couch and said, “I’m going to bed. See you two in the morning.”
Christopher seemed to barely notice me and tossed me an offhanded “Night,” oblivious of whatever was building between Jared and me.
“Good night,” Jared whispered, his eyes trailing my steps, locking on mine when I paused to look back at him from my door. His expression made it clear he was the furthest from oblivious.
It took him an hour, but finally I heard the light tapping that tickled my ears and escalated my pulse before the door cracked open. A sliver of light from the hallway bled inside as Jared stole into my darkened room.
I lay on my bed, waiting.
Chuckling, Jared crossed the room. “Christopher just left. Said he has some girl he promised he’d go see. Don’t think I’m quite interesting enough for him.”
Jared climbed onto the bed beside me. He didn’t hesitate to twist his finger through a lock of my hair as if it belonged there, didn’t hide the heave of contented air he pushed from his lungs. He settled so close to me I was sure he could count the thundering beats of my heart.
“Haven’t you figured that out by now?” Still I whispered. I wasn’t sure why.
Throaty laughter ricocheted against my walls. “Yeah… I might have noticed. What is up with him, anyway? Is he happy?” Jared turned a fraction, blinking toward the ceiling. “It’s like he’s chasing after something and can’t seem to find it.”
“Aren’t we all chasing after something?”
Lines deepened on Jared’s brow, a frown marring his face. “I don’t know, Aly.”
I inched forward. In the small space separating us, I relished the warmth I felt radiating from his body. My hands went to their safe spot, to his T-shirt-clad chest. I was still too fearful to touch the skin I wanted to disappear into.
“I think he’s happy, Jared, but he changed when you were sent away.”
Jared stiffened under me, because for the first time, I jumped. I was ready to submerge myself in the dangerous waters that held Jared under. I’d been treading them for too long.
With honesty, I opened my mouth. “I think it was fear… fear of losing someone who was so important to him.” I’d never forget Christopher’s eyes that night, when we’d found ourselves face-to-face in our hall, listening to our mother sobbing in her room. The vibrant green had waned from his eyes as Christopher had lost the last bit of his childhood, his innocence replaced with pain. Haunted. There was no other way to describe it. When I thought of what I saw in his eyes that day, I sometimes wondered what he had seen in mine.
“He ended up breaking up with Samantha about a week later.” Christopher had dated her for a year. I was pretty sure they’d been each other’s firsts. She was devastated, but Christopher had just seemed numb to her pain like he was to everything else. “He started going out all the time,” I slowly continued, knowing I was traversing dangerous ground, “hanging out with random girls. Now I can’t really tell if it’s a habit or a game or if he’s subconsciously guarding himself from something he doesn’t want to feel.”
Jared’s lips spread into a thin line, as if something that had nagged at him had been confirmed.
“It’s all so meaningless to him,” I said quietly, self-consciously fidgeting with Jared’s shirt. “I hate that those girls mean so little to him… that sex means so little to him.” I tipped my face up and captured his gaze. My mouth opened and closed as I struggled with what to say. As much as I didn’t want to know, I couldn’t keep myself from asking. “What about you? Have you ever been in love with anyone?”
Jared tilted his face away as if he didn’t want me to see his confessions waiting there. He wavered before he spoke. “Sex is like fighting for me, Aly. It’s a release, nothing more. I use girls just as shamelessly as Christopher does. Maybe in a different way. I don’t know, but in the end, it’s the same… It means nothing.”
I winced. Jealousy was not a pretty emotion. But it hit me hard. I’d grown so accustomed to this place that was ours that it’d become easy to imagine that this was all either of us had ever known… just the quiet of my room and the steady beat of our hearts.
In it, nothing else existed.
But Jared had known so much, so much pain, so much loss.
He’d known girls and what it felt like to be touched.
Was it wrong that I wanted that, too?
Pushing past our boundaries, I let my fingers climb up his chest and over one of his shoulders. Sinewy muscle jumped under my hands, beckoned me forward just as assuredly as they fought to resist my exploration.
I held my breath when I reached the bare skin of his neck. Every inch of my body lit, flames licking through my veins and blazing in my stomach. Shivers coursed over the surface of my skin.
How was it possible that one person could affect me this way?
I glanced up at his face. Turbulent blue eyes stared down at me. In them I felt a range of emotions, a warning, an appeal. Anger and affection. Most of all, I saw fear.
Tentatively, I dropped my gaze and watched as my fingers trailed down over his shoulder and traced the ink on his left arm. This arm was covered in blacks and grays, twisted shapes and faces that screamed his horrors. On the inside of his wrist was scripted Lest I forget.
Jared shuddered as if the contact caused him physical pain. But he didn’t pull away, and he released a stuttered breath across my face.
“Were you scared when they sent you away?” The question came so softly I thought perhaps I’d only uttered it in my head.
Still it sucked all the air from the room.
Frozen, Jared remained still, a million emotions spilling from his silence, before he finally spoke. “I was pissed, Aly.” He grunted through the words. “It wasn’t supposed to turn out like that. I thought I’d finally found a way to pay for what I’d done, and I managed to fuck that up, too.”
Chills crawled along the surface of my skin. Jared had just confirmed my greatest fear. All these years I’d tried to convince myself otherwise, that there was no chance Jared would have tried to take his own life. Asked myself, How could he? Convinced myself I’d just misunderstood because it seemed impossible to believe.
And to know he’d been angry that he’d failed?
Confusion and hurt and fear saturated my spirit because I couldn’t help worrying he’d try again.
I tried to swallow the lump wedged in the middle of my throat. “Maybe it turned out the way it was really supposed to be.”
Hard laughter rocked from his chest. “Nothing turns out the way it’s supposed to, Aly. And even if it did, I would only ruin it. You need to remember that. I warned you that you’d regret doing this… .” His fingers twisted deeper in my hair and he shifted to palm my neck with the other hand. He squeezed to emphasize our friendship, so hard it almost hurt. But it was my heart that hurt.
“How could I regret you?” I brought my hands to his face, held them there, gave in to the smolder singeing my skin. “I missed you, Jared. So much. They sent you away, and I thought I’d never see you again. Do you know how much that hurt?”
But I knew he really could have no idea.
How could he?
“I thought about you every day,” I admitted, burrowing my head farther into the bed, farther into his warmth. We skirted along the edges of an embrace, his hands on my face, mine on his, the expanse between us so great I wasn’t sure we’d ever be able to cross it. “What was it like?” I asked, lifting my face to his.
He paused, his breath palpable in the room. “I don’t know, Aly. It sucked, I guess. People were always telling us what we could and couldn’t do, all the while they were calling it a rehabilitation center. There were some really good guys there, ones who just did some stupid stuff. I always hoped that maybe it did them some good. Most of us there were hopeless, though. It wouldn’t matter what punishment we had, there was no chance of coming up with a different result.”
Hopeless. I blinked, trying to understand, to make sense of the tone in his voice. “You felt you were like that?”
Sadness swelled in the room, a thickness that made my skin crawl with goose bumps.
“They let me out when I turned eighteen, Aly. Eighteen.” His voice cracked. “How fucking ridiculous is that? As if I’d paid my dues? As if spending two years of my pathetic existence behind bars would make up for what I’d done?”
Anger rushed from him, these waves of rage that pounded and fought against my spirit. Jared’s body jerked, and I could feel him trying to hold it back, to hold it in. His face contorted as if he were trying to block it all out. “What kind of bullshit is that? She was worth so much more than that.”
“Jared – ”
In a blink, he shot off my bed and onto his feet.
Shocked, I twisted around and scrambled onto my hands and knees as I faced the man standing in the middle of my room. Agitation spun through him, twitching his muscles. My breaths came heavy and strong, mixed with the hostility seeping from Jared’s pores.
Jerking both hands through his hair, he glared down at me, his eyes frantic. “Just don’t, Aly.” He touched his chest with a fisted hand, then dropped it. “Please don’t say something that means nothing.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Please. Not you, too.”
When he opened his eyes, the walls were down, everything bared to me.
Devastation.
It was the only thing I saw.
My heart twisted, this pain slicing me through to the core, cutting to the place where Jared had been a fantasy in my mind. There I’d imagined he had somehow still been whole and not what I saw now, a mess of the few mangled pieces of himself that now remained in the wake of his ruin.
“Jared,” I whispered, my hand fluttering out in his direction, silently begging him to take it. Seeing him this way killed me. It reminded me too much of those months when I could do nothing but watch him fade away. Some part of me had held on to the hope that time had healed some of those pieces.
Now I was certain it had not.
He stumbled back to the door, recognition flashing in his eyes. “You can’t fix me, Aly.”
I winced and dropped my chin as if I could conceal the place where he attempted to extract my thoughts. “I know that,” I whispered.
“Then don’t try.”