Friday January 17th

 

“I’m really not sure about this,” Cate insisted as she was bundled out of the house by her older sister, Liv.

“What exactly is it that you’re not sure about?” Liv asked as she pulled open the back door of the large, black SUV which was parked in the driveway. “Your husband wants to take you away for the weekend to celebrate your anniversary. I think it’s sweet and romantic and only the teeniest, tiniest bit vomit-inducing.”

“Yes but we got married in summer,” Cate shivered, wrapping her arms tightly around her waist. “Whereas now it’s the middle of January and it’s freezing.”

She didn’t exactly feel sweet and romantic in the clothes her husband, Kian had insisted that she wear for this magical mystery tour. Instead of sexy stiletto heels, she was wearing sturdy, black boots. The jeans he’d chosen at least made her butt look good and the pale-grey cashmere sweater was lovely and soft against her skin but she couldn’t appreciate them under the long, black wool coat which completely swamped her tall, willowy figure.

Even her fingers were safely ensconced inside faux leather gloves. The only parts of her that could actually be seen, peeking out from between the pale lilac hat and chunky knit scarf, were her big, black eyes. They were already a little watery from the biting cold wind which was rolling in off Puget Sound.

“Stop complaining,” Liv grinned, “and get in that car.”

“But what about…?”

“They’ll be fine, I promise,” Liv insisted, giving Cate another gentle shove towards the SUV. Liv had volunteered to look after Cate and Kian’s three children for the weekend. “Nate and I have got it covered.” Nate was the children’s nanny.

As the driver started up the engine, Cate quickly rolled down the window. “Did Kian give you the contact details for where we’re staying this weekend, in case there’s an emergency?”

“Yes,” Liv sighed. “And before you ask, no, I’m not going to share them with you.” Her breath came out in tiny O’s. “Try to relax, OK, sis. This weekend means a lot to Kian.”

“I’m sorry,” Cate chewed on her bottom lip. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I’m just not very good with surprises, you know?”

Apart from giving her strict instructions as to what to wear for the journey, Kian hadn’t given her any other clues as to what he had planned for them this weekend. He hadn’t even let her pack her own luggage.

She was more than a little hesitant. As much as she might fantasise about jetting off to somewhere tropical in the midst of another brutal Seattle winter, she really hoped that they weren’t going too far away. She knew that being any further than a couple of hours drive away from their children would make her much too antsy to just relax and enjoy the weekend.

Inside the car, it was lovely and warm so Cate tugged off her woollen hat and smoothed down her long, inky-black braid. She removed her gloves and looked down at her wedding and eternity rings.

She didn’t have an engagement ring because they’d got married in Las Vegas only a couple of days after Kian had proposed.

It wasn’t exactly the most romantic of proposals – it definitely wasn’t the cliché of the top of the Eiffel Tower at dusk with a big, sparkly ring nestled in the bottom of a flute of chilled champagne, hundreds of curious onlookers and a professional photographer there to capture the moment. But then, to be honest, even though she’d been the wife of a Premier League footballer for many years, Cate had never really acquired the taste for champagne.

After Kian had caught her coming out of the Family Planning Clinic and found out that she was pregnant with their first child, Lola, he’d asked her to come home with him that night. It was the first time that they’d been alone together since she’d run from his house, barefoot and in floods of tears, after they’d had sex for the first time.

He’d looked so disgusted when, after he’d climaxed, he’d looked down and seen that it was Cate lying beneath him. She’d mistakenly believed that he’d felt that way about her. She’d only found out after they were married that the disgust she’d seen in his dark eyes that night had been solely directed at himself. He’d been horrified by his actions - blinded by grief for his dad, whose funeral had been earlier that day, he’d taken Cate’s virginity so recklessly.

She knew that she’d fallen in love with him weeks before when they’d been sat in that cold, sterile waiting room at the hospital with both of their families, waiting for the doctors to come and talk to them about his dad, who’d had a massive heart attack while he was driving home from work. But the love she’d felt for him then had deepened exponentially, burrowing into the marrow of her bones, when he’d brought her home with him that night.

She’d already decided that she wanted to keep the baby. Although he’d insisted that he’d support her one hundred percent with whatever she decided to do, she’d offered to tell their families that she’d had a one-night stand with an anonymous stranger. It might have been out of character for Cate, who up until then had always been seen as such a goody two-shoes, but their relationship had been so clandestine that nobody in her family would ever have suspected that Kian was the father. She might only have been eighteen but as an unwanted child herself (she’d never even met her biological father aka The Sperm Donor), the very last thing she’d wanted was to trap him into something just because she was pregnant.

Kian had refused to take the out that she’d offered. He’d brought her home with him and he’d been so kind and attentive. After she’d had a lovely, hot shower, she’d changed into the pair of pyjamas he’d left out for her, which were still warm from the airing cupboard and they’d sat at the kitchen counter together. He’d made her favourite comfort food: tomato soup and crusty bread. Afterwards, he’d offered her his big, comfy bed, which was made up with fresh sheets. She’d asked him to stay with her and in the darkness; he’d insisted that he wanted both her and their baby. His fingers had dipped under her t-shirt and he’d touched her still-flat tummy with such reverence that she’d wanted so desperately to believe him.

He’d woken her up in the early hours of the morning and dropped to his knees at the side of the bed, with a sheet of tinfoil wrapped up to look like a decent approximation of an engagement ring.

Despite what he’d said, she’d still been absolutely terrified that he was asking her to marry him for all the wrong reasons but she’d taken the most humongous leap of faith and said yes anyway.

Cate realised that she’d been wrong earlier. It might not have been over-the-top and flashy, it might not have been the Eiffel Tower at dusk but that was what had made it so romantic. That quiet, intimate moment, in the half-light of Kian’s bedroom, with Cate’s hair all tangled up from sleep and her eyes still a little red-rimmed from crying, wouldn’t appear on any Facebook or Instagram feed.

In that moment, despite his playboy reputation, Kian had become the man she’d always thought he could be. She’d meant it wholeheartedly when she’d offered to tell their families that she’d had a one-night stand with an anonymous stranger. But he’d refused to take the opportunity that she’d given him to just walk away and continue his life as a carefree bachelor and instead he’d committed himself to Cate and their baby.

Against all the odds, fourteen years later, they were still happily married and with three beautiful children.

Cate reached up and wiped a stray tear from her cheek. Ugh, just thinking about everything that they’d been through together made her miss him too darn much. She wished that the SUV she was travelling in could go at warp speed so that she could be wrapped up in his strong arms already.

 

Sunday December 15th

 

“Cate Klein-Warner, is that you?”

Cate quickly spun around, searching for the familiar Mancunian accent amidst the crowds of people lining the downtown Seattle streets to support the Ugly Christmas Sweater runners. The reindeer antlers she was wearing threatened to drop down over her eyes. She’d never hyphenated her last name so there were only two people in the whole world who’d ever called her that.

“What the heck are you wearing?”

When she eventually located one of them, her smile was so big it felt like it consumed her entire face.

“Thom!” she exclaimed, pushing her antlers back in place. “What are you doing here?”

They’d met as freshman at university and even though she’d already been married by then, she’d still gone by her maiden name hence why he liked to hyphenate her maiden and married names. They’d remained friends after they’d graduated but as far as she knew he was still in London.

When they hugged, she was surprised to find that her friend who’d always been tall and lanky was now packing some serious muscle beneath his charcoal-grey double-breasted overcoat. That wasn’t the only change. He’d always worn his naturally pale-blonde hair long enough that he could hide behind his floppy fringe if he so wished but now it was cut fashionably short at the back and sides and the top was slicked back. He looked like he should be parading down a catwalk in Paris or Milan rather than hanging around a downtown street in Seattle.

“I’m over here for a conference,” Thom explained. “Ugh, it’s so good to see you.”

“You too,” Cate took a step back. “I haven’t seen you in person since…”

“Nessa’s wedding,” Thom finished. Cate, Thom and Vanessa had formed a close bond while they were all studying Psychology at Manchester University. “And now she’s the mother of triplets.”

Cate laughed, “I’m in awe of how well she’s doing. I found it tough enough with just one baby at a time never mind three.”

One of the other runners accidentally bumped into Cate, reminding her of what she was supposed to be doing at that moment. “How long are you going to be in Seattle for?”

“It’s only a quick trip unfortunately. I’m doing a last-minute favour for a friend. I got here yesterday evening and I fly back home tomorrow morning.”

“That sucks,” Cate frowned.

Thom checked his watch, “I’ve got to head back to the Convention Centre shortly but I should be free by about seven-thirty if you fancy catching up over a couple of drinks?”

“That sounds great,” Cate smiled again.

Thom looked at her outfit. In addition to the antlers and obligatory ugly Christmas jumper, she was wearing red and green striped leggings and her black skirt was covered with Christmas bows which crinkled every time she moved and was hemmed with red and green tinsel. “There’s a bar near the hotel that I think would be perfect. I’ll text you the details.”

“I’ll see you there.”

After Thom had gone, Cate waded through the crowds of runners until she’d caught up with Liv and their friends, Layla and her mom, Abby again. “Who was that?” Layla asked. “He’s cute.”

“I hate to disappoint you but he’s gay,” Cate laughed. “Thom’s an old friend from university. We’re going to catch up over drinks later. The hotel he’s staying at isn’t that far from Kian’s office so maybe I’ll ask him to come out with us. It’s been ages since we’ve had a night out together.”

 

After she and Abby had thanked everybody for coming out and supporting the Ugly Christmas Sweater 5k for their charity, 33 Rocks and helped supervise the clean-up, Cate called Kian. She was excited to tell him about seeing Thom again.

Kian had retired from professional football after winning the MLS Cup for a second time with Seattle F.C. and since then he’d found a new career, working with Cate’s older brother, Ben, investing in small start-ups.

Their assistant, Anna answered the phone. “Hi Cate, Kian’s in a meeting right now. Did you want to leave a message for him?”

“Oh, OK,” Cate rolled her shoulders. She tried to live by the motto that she could only have five emotional minutes in the day and she didn’t want to waste them on the all-too-familiar frustration of not being able to talk to her husband. “It’s not urgent but if he could call me back when he’s free, that would be great. Thanks, Anna.”

“No problem, I’ll let him know.”

“Who was that man you were hugging?” her eldest daughter, Lola narrowed her eyes suspiciously as she climbed into the front seat of the car.

“I don’t know,” Cate rolled her eyes. “I felt like hugging a stranger so I just went ahead and did it.”

“Ha ha.”

Cate checked over her shoulder that her two youngest children, six-year-old Sierra and seven-year-old Mateo, both had their seatbelts fastened before turning back to face the front. “I can’t believe you don’t remember my friend, Thom from university. You used to have quite the crush on him when you were little.”

Sierra giggled from the backseat and Lola scowled at Cate, “I think your memory must be diminishing given your advancing years.”

As they were driving home, Cate asked Sierra and Mats if they’d enjoyed themselves at the Ugly Christmas Sweater 5k. They’d had two races today; one for the adults and a supervised one for the children. Because she was thirteen, Lola had competed in the adult race with Cate but Mats and Sierra had taken part in the children’s run.

It was always difficult when she took the children, especially Sierra, with her to events for 33 Rocks. Cate and Abby had set up the charity to raise awareness of prenatal depression after they’d both struggled while they were pregnant with their youngest children. Hoping to help others, Cate had been honest about the fact that she’d thought about drowning herself in Puget Sound when she was pregnant with Sierra and in the darkest depths of her own depression. She was proud of what she and Abby had achieved thus far but the whole reason for this charity coming into being was that she’d seriously considered taking not just her own life but the life of the sweet little girl sat in the backseat of her car right now, singing along to the Christmas songs on the radio.

“What about you, Lo?” she turned her attention to her eldest daughter. “Was it as cringeworthy as you’d thought it was going to be?” She hadn’t exactly been enthusiastic about the idea of being seen in public looking like “the Christmas fairy has vomited all over me.”

“It was OK, I guess,” Lola admitted, “just as long as nobody from school saw me looking like this.” She turned her head to the side and Cate smiled. Lola had her inky-black hair up in a bun and Liv had decorated it to look like Rudolph with a red nose in the centre, antlers and two plastic eyes affixed to the top.

 

Later that evening, Cate was just about to leave when Sierra came out of her bedroom. “Are you going out tonight, Mommy?” When she was wide awake, she was a feisty little thing but when she was tired, she became clingy.

“Just for a couple of hours, baby girl. Uncle Nate’s going to tuck you in and I’ll be here when you wake up tomorrow morning.”

Sierra cuddled her ratty, pink comfort blanket. Cate thought that the conversation was finished so she kissed the top of her daughter’s head and was just about to go downstairs when Sierra called again, “Mommy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“If you’re going out, why are you wearing that?”

Nate, who was stood behind Sierra, was trying really hard not to laugh.

“You don’t like my outfit?” Cate smoothed out her black flared trousers and black cashmere jumper. OK so it was a little on the boring side. The only jewellery she was wearing was the locket Kian had bought her for her eighteenth birthday and her wedding and eternity rings.

“It’s OK…” Sierra hedged. She walked past Cate and into the master bedroom. Cate could only watch as her newly appointed six-year-old stylist rummaged through the second drawer of her dresser, which held her accessories. “It would look prettier if you wore it with this.” She held out a thick, gold belt.

“OK,” Cate took it from her and affixed it around her waist. The belt had been a birthday gift from her much more fashionable older sister, Remy and she’d never worn it before. “How does that look?”

Sierra tilted her head to one side. “One more thing.”

She ran down the corridor to her own bedroom and came back with a thick gold bangle from her dress-up box. “It matches your belt,” she beamed.

Cate slipped it on to her wrist and stood back, waiting for Sierra’s approval. She couldn’t decide if it was cute or mortifying that her six-year-old daughter had more of an idea about style than she did.

“Mommy, you look really pretty,” Sierra smiled.

“Thank you, baby girl.” She looked down at her watch. “Oops, I’d better go if I don’t want to be late. Be a good girl for Uncle Nate and I’ll see you tomorrow morning. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Sierra blew her a kiss.

 

Traffic was OK so Cate parked up in downtown Seattle earlier than she’d anticipated. Kian still hadn’t called her back so she decided to stop by his office just in case he’d finished his meeting early and hadn’t got her message. Although she knew that was unlikely because Anna was an excellent message-taker.

Anna was just leaving the office when Cate arrived.

Cate looked across at Kian’s closed office door.

“I’m sorry,” Anna must have sensed her disappointment. “He and Ben have been locked away in there all afternoon.”

“It’s OK,” Cate shrugged, “an old friend of ours is in town and I thought Kian might want to join us for drinks but if he’s busy, I don’t want to disturb him.”

“Are you sure?” Anna asked.

“Yeah,” Cate nodded.

After she’d left Anna outside Kian’s office building, Cate walked the few blocks to Beacon 52, the bar that Thom had chosen.

It was a cold, crisp night so the Christmas lights looked extra-sparkly against the darkening sky.

As she reached the front door, it swung open and a tall man with brightly-coloured baubles attached to his dark beard stepped back to let her through.

“Thank you,” she smiled. “I like your baubles.”

He looked confused for a moment and Cate worried that he’d taken her benign appreciation for his beard decorations as innuendo. But then he started laughing, the baubles in his beard bouncing and shimmying. “So that’s why I’ve been getting funny looks all night. I’d completely forgotten I was still wearing them. My wife and I were at the Ugly Christmas Sweater 5k this afternoon.”

Cate beamed with pride at the mention of her charity’s event.

“Are you ready to go, Eli?” A petite blonde joined them.

Eli looked at her with such affection, there was no mistaking that she was his wife.

“Thea, this is…”

Eli realised awkwardly that he didn’t know her name.

“Hi,” Cate removed a glove and slipped it into the pocket of her wool coat. If they’d been at the 5k today, she wondered if Thea had suffered from prenatal depression too. She offered her hand. “I’m Cate.”

“Cate here was just admiring my baubles,” Eli chuckled, rubbing his beard.

“I was going to ask where you’d got them from. I’m trying to work out how I can persuade my husband to wear them. Our two youngest children would love it.”

At the mention of Cate’s husband, Thea visibly relaxed. She mentioned the name of a website specialising in novelty gifts. “I didn’t have to persuade Eli at all. He actually volunteered to wear them today.”

“I hate to break this up, sweetheart,” Eli looked down at his watch, “but we promised the babysitter we’d be back by eight.”

“I completely understand,” Cate reassured them. “It was nice meeting you both. Merry Christmas.”

“You too, Cate,” Thea smiled warmly.

After Eli and Thea had left, Cate pushed through the second set of doors into Beacon 52. She spotted Thom almost immediately; he was seated in one of the booths by the far wall.

“Wow,” she marvelled, taking in the festive décor. She quickly forgot any lingering disappointment that Kian couldn’t join them tonight.

Thom chuckled, “your outfit from this afternoon inspired my choice.”

“I know you’re making fun of me right now,” Cate shrugged off her wool coat, “but I don’t care. I love it.”

She slid into the booth, across from Thom. Twinkling lights, large bouquets of shiny red baubles and lush greenery dripped from the ceilings and down the walls. The air was deliciously scented with pine needles and peppermint.

“Do you know what this reminds me of? I remember when I was little and I’d lie on the floor with my head underneath the bottom branches of our Christmas tree. I’d look up and be mesmerised by the brightly-coloured lights, glitter and shiny baubles.”

“I think I made the right choice then,” Thom smiled. “Is Kian going to be joining us tonight?”

“No,” Cate shook her head, trying not to let her mood sour again. “Unfortunately, he’s been held up in a meeting so you’re stuck with just me tonight.”

“Hey,” another man slipped into the booth beside Thom. He had on jeans, a black t-shirt with a band’s logo printed on it and a black leather jacket. “I’m so sorry I’m late.”

“I think that means you can buy the first round,” Thom smiled before brushing his lips against the other man’s.

“I might be dreadful at time keeping but you’re the uncivilised brute who hasn’t introduced me to your lady friend yet.”

He turned his attention to Cate, “since my beloved has no sense of decorum, please allow me to introduce myself. I’m Brandon, Thom’s paramour.”

“Really?” Thom raised his eyebrows. “You couldn’t just stick with boyfriend?”

Brandon pouted, “Boyfriend sounds too ordinary.”

Cate watched with amusement as they playfully bickered until Thom eventually agreed to go and buy the first round of drinks. Brandon giggled as he watched Thom push through the crowds congregated in front of the bar.

“How long have you and Thom been together?” Cate asked curiously. They behaved like an old married couple but Thom had never mentioned that he was seeing somebody new after he’d broken up with his ex, Will several months ago.

Brandon looked at his watch, “thirty hours and six minutes.”

Cate’s eyes must have widened in surprise because he continued, “we met on the flight from New York yesterday.”

“Wow, that’s…”

“Adorable, I know.”

Cate really wished that Kian was here. It wouldn’t be the same telling him about Thom and Brandon afterwards.

“So…” Brandon said after Thom had returned with their drinks. He noisily sipped his cocktail through a straw like a child with the dregs of a milkshake. “How do you two know each other? Are you a fancy-shmancy psychologist like Tommy-cakes here?”

Thom raised an eyebrow, “Tommy-cakes is definitely a non-starter. Pick something else.”

Brandon pouted again. As much as he might protest, Cate felt sure that Thom would eventually acquiesce and for the rest of their relationship he would allow Brandon to call him that nickname. He was a beautiful, kind, intelligent man but he’d always been drawn to strong personalities. Brandon reminded her of Vanessa, their friend and Thom’s flat-mate all through university.

Brandon took another slurp of his drink and then turned his attention back to Cate.

“Um, no, not exactly,” she stumbled over her words. He was looking at her as if he expected her to reel off a list of career achievements as impressive as Thom’s.

Thom stepped in, “Cate and I are old friends. We went to university together.”

“Did you hate him?”

Cate almost choked on her drink, “did I what?”

“He’s such a smarty-pants. I bet he was always top of the class. If I’d been there, I’d have detested him while also not so discreetly checking out his butt.”

“Actually,” Thom chuckled. “It was the other way around. Cate got the highest marks of our graduating class. I can safely say I never checked out her butt but I definitely followed in her wake.”

“So what happened?” Brandon asked, chewing on the end of his straw.

“I had a family.”

“Oh,” Brandon sagged like an empty balloon, “you got mommy-tracked, that’s the worst. The same thing happened to my sister.”

“Not exactly,” Cate said, “I mean, I was already a mom before I enrolled at university.”

“Yeah,” Thom smiled proudly, “Cate had a toddler at home and she still managed to whup all of our asses.”

“Yikes, how old were you?”

“I was eighteen when I got married, nineteen when Lola was born.”

“Didn’t anybody tell you about the birds and the bees when you were growing up?”

“They did but that’s a whole other story,” Cate laughed. She couldn’t decide if she was amused or annoyed by Brandon’s honesty.

“Do you ever regret it?” Brandon asked. “Giving up your career for your family.”

Thom interrupted before Cate could answer the question. He downed the last of his drink and set it down on the table. “I think it’s your round.”

“Aw, man,” Brandon complained.

“I’m sorry,” Thom said quietly after Brandon had reluctantly gone to the bar. “I know he can be a bit much sometimes.”

“It’s fine. It’s not like I haven’t been asked that question a thousand times before.”

“Still,” Thom looked uncomfortable. He was only in Seattle for a few more hours and Cate didn’t want to waste any of this precious time with her friend thinking about the validity of choices she’d made all those years ago.

“Honestly, it’s OK,” Cate put her hand over his. “What was your speech about?”

Thom’s research specialism was the psychological aspects of hate crime, racism and xenophobia. Cate knew even though she hadn’t been in the auditorium when he’d made his speech that it would have been a great success because his breadth of knowledge and passion for what he was talking about was infectious.

It was fun to sit in a bar and relive her university days all over again. She might not have continued with her academic career but she dealt with the practicalities of psychology every day in her work with 33 Rocks.

When it was time for them to leave, Thom and Brandon insisted on walking Cate back to her car. “I’m sorry if I came on too strong before,” Brandon whispered as he gave her a hug. “My momma says I’m too curious for my own good sometimes.”

“No harm done,” Cate reassured him.

Before starting the engine, she checked her phone again but she didn’t have any messages from Kian.

As she drove home, she brooded over the conversation she’d had with Brandon. When she was alone, she was mostly content with her life. She was proud of what she and Abby had achieved so far with 33 Rocks, all the brave women and families they’d helped. But, she reflected as she looked at Sierra’s gold bangle which glittered on her wrist, her greatest pride came from her children.

She was eighteen when she’d found out that she was pregnant with Lola but it wasn’t just her age that was a negative factor. She wasn’t a worldly teenager; she was sheltered and naïve. She didn’t drink or smoke and until Kian, she’d never even been kissed. Her only romantic experiences had come from living vicariously through the fictional heroes and heroines in the romance novels hidden away in her closet.

Even within her own family, there had been serious doubts about whether she’d be able to handle motherhood at such a young age. But she’d proved them all wrong and although there had been a few bumps in the road, her children were happy and healthy.

When she’d been at sixth-form college back in Manchester, she’d had a black V-neck jumper that she’d bought on a whim during a shopping trip with Kian’s sister, Sinead. When she’d tried it on in the privacy of her bedroom, it had felt daring and edgy because sometimes when she moved, she’d been able to see the barest hint of the lace edging of her bra. Alone in her bedroom, she’d felt wanton and sexy but when she’d dared to venture outside wearing it, she’d quickly realised that to everybody else, it was just a plain, old black jumper and there was nothing special about it whatsoever.

As she’d watched all of the magic disappear from her soft wool jumper, she’d felt frustrated that she’d allowed other people’s opinions to so easily sway her own.

She felt that same frustration now as she drove back from downtown Seattle. Without the influence of other people, she was happy with her life. Yes, she could have continued her education after she’d graduated with a bachelor’s degree or she could have sought employment. She could have made a thousand different choices but then so could everybody else in the world. She barely knew Brandon and yet his probing questions had made her doubt herself again. If she was able to rattle off a list of impressive career achievements like Thom, would that make her a better person somehow?

She wished again that Kian had been able to accompany her tonight. She didn’t need him to validate her self-worth but he was excellent at distracting her when, like tonight, her brain decided to tie itself up in hundreds of knots.