Chapter Ten
Sasha
“Sash,” Nick whispers in my ear.
I brush him away and roll over, still very sleepy after yesterday. We stopped in Rock Springs to grab dinner since towns are few and far between out here, and by the time we were done, Nick wanted to get a room for the night.
“Sash,” he repeats. “Wake up. Let’s go eat and hit the road.”
“What time is it?”
“A little after seven.”
I groan. “Are we in a hurry?” Silence. I open one eye and look at him. He’s lying next to me, one cheek pressed against the same pillow. His brown eyes are scrunched up like he’s confused. “What?”
“I’m sorry for those things I said yesterday. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
I just stare at him.
“He might not be dead.”
I can’t say anything, because if I do, I’ll cry.
“He’s not dead. He’s Tet, for fuck’s sake. OK? He’s not dead.”
But we called Merc last night after we got the room and Merc said he can’t find him. “I think he’s dead,” I finally say.
Nick lets out a long breath. “We won’t know until we know, Sash. But… even if he is, he’d want me to keep going. He’d want Harper to be safe. And now that I know she’s back with my father, she’s not safe, Sash. I have to go get her. And get that fucking file.”
I roll over on the bed and turn my back to him. “You shouldn’t have let Harper have it if it’s so valuable.”
“She was safer with it, Sasha. It gave her power.”
“It almost got her killed.” I turn back over. “She was dead. James saved her.” I look away. “He saved me too,” I mumble.
“What’s the deal with the two of you?”
I sit up and throw the covers off because obviously sleep time is over. “What do you mean?” I’m still fully clothed so I just slip my feet into my boots and straighten my ponytail.
Nick gets up off the bed and when I turn to look at him, his scowl is even more pronounced. “He was possessive of you. He threatened me. Why was he acting that way? How long have you really known him?”
It’s my turn to squint my eyes. “A week? You know that, Nick. We talked about it before he came to get me. And a lot of good it did, making me stay out there for three fucking months.”
“Watch your mouth,” Nick snaps.
I flip him off and shoot him a look. “Don’t boss me around. I’m in a very bad mood.”
“I told you why you had to stay out there. The Admiral sent you to wait for Tet and when the Admiral gives you an order, you follow it.”
“Yeah, but you knew when James was coming. You knew he was in the OC with Harper. So explain why we didn’t just get a hotel in the next town over and wait him out there.”
Nick walks towards me smiling. I step back. But he grabs my arm and pulls me close. “We could’ve done that, Sasha.” He looks down on my face. I hate the fact that he’s so much bigger than me. I hate the fact that everyone is so much bigger than me. “But I like you, ya know. I like you and I don’t think I’d have been very good at keeping my hands to myself if we were bunking together for months.” He laughs. “I mean, I know you’re too young in my head, but you know, I’m just a eighteen-year-old guy.”
My cheeks heat up and I’m not sure if I’m blushing because he said that to me, or if I’m creeped out that he’s thinking about me sexually. “That’s bullshit,” I finally say. “You know you’re not allowed to touch me until I’m eighteen. I don’t think you have a self-control problem. I think you’re just up to other things and you don’t want me to know about them.”
“We’re not operating inside the Company boundaries, Sash. We can make our own rules if we want. And yeah to the last part too. I’m up to a whole bunch of shit that you will never know about. That’s life. You’re a girl. I’m a guy. You should be in school right now.”
“School?” I don’t even have a comeback for that. “What the hell world are you living in? I’m a Company kid with a hit on my head. What fucking school am I supposed to be in?”
“Language,” he whispers as he places his fingertips against my lips.
My whole body shudders. But I shrug it off and blink at him. “I’d love nothing more than to go back to school and grow up like a normal kid. But if I do that, then we’re not promised anymore.”
He tisks his tongue and tightens his grip around me as I wriggle to break free. “Is that what you want?”
“I have no idea what I want. But why I don’t want is you telling me what to think or how to act. Or just assuming I’m going along with your plans every second of the day. I’m one half of this team so I expect to be treated like a partner.”
He leans down until his warm breath skates across my ear. “We are partners, Sash. In every sense of the word. You were given to me, so you’re mine. But I’m not putting up this big resistance as a pretense, you understand. I’m doing this to change the future for all the Company kids who come after us. So if you think I’m bound to that promise your father gave under duress when you were born, you’re wrong. I don’t need a promise to get a wife. I’m quite capable of getting married all on my own. So”—his hand slides around the back of my neck and his fingertips slip up into my hair, sending chills down my whole body—“let’s just forget that promise right now and be together because we like each other.”
He smiles as I stare dumbly up at him and then he laughs and lets go of my head. His fingers slip through my hair, dragging against the sensitive skin of my scalp. And then they are gone. “Sasha Cherlin, I have something cool to tell you. Do you want to hear it?”
I swallow. “Is it something good?”
He nods and smiles. “Yeah. Come sit.” He walks over to the edge of the bed and sits down, then pats the mattress for me to follow.
I sit, but not too close. I don’t really know what’s happening.
“I was bumming around up in the mountains in Wyoming. Way the fuck out by Bighorn Lake. You know it, right?”
I shoot him a look. “Everyone knows where Bighorn Lake is.”
He laughs. “So I was up there in the mountains and I was so fucking lost. But there was like this park access road, so I walked up this road to the top of a hill and do you know what was up there?”
I shake my head as I stare into his eyes. He’s excited to tell me this and that makes me excited with him. “What was it?”
“That medicine wheel thing you were talking about last summer. Remember that?”
My throat starts to sting and my eyes start to water. “I was just talking to James about that a few days ago.”
“Huh,” Nick says, smiling. “I saw it.” He looks over at me and then his hand grips my shoulder and he flops backwards on the bed, taking me with him. We sigh together. “It was pretty cool. You’re gonna love seeing it.”
“I’m not going,” I say quickly. “I don’t want to go.” He says nothing to that. Just lets the silence take over until I feel the need to explain. “My dad was gonna take me this summer. I don’t want to see it with anyone else.”
“Hmmm. I can see your point. I mean, your dad would probably be mad if you went without him, don’t you think?”
I tisk my tongue. “Just don’t.”
“What? That’s your reason, right?”
I stare up at the ceiling.
“Because I know your dad was like that. All pissy about you being happy without him.”
“I know it makes no sense to you, but it does to me. There’s just no one else I want to see it with.”
Nick turns his head to the side. “Sasha,” he says. I turn mine too, and our faces are but a few inches apart. “I love you.”
I feel the tears well up.
“I love you and I only want what’s best for you. I want you to go to school. And live in a house. And never pick up a gun again. I want you to wear dresses and go to dances. And have dates with boys who take you to eat hamburgers. I want you to study dinosaurs and travel the world looking for clues about the past that no one else cares about.”
He stops and swallows. Like he needs to build his courage up. Another tear streaks across my face until his fingertips intercepts it just as it rounds my nose.
“And once you’ve done all that without me, you’re gonna realize that you can love more than once in a lifetime.”
“You’re going to be there with me,” I blurt as the tears pour out. “You’re my promise.”
He shakes his head. “The promise is over. You have to forget about it. You have to move forward and forget about it. And if your dad was here, he’d tell you to go see that medicine wheel.”
“We can go together, Nick. We can go up there together and you can show it to me.”
But he’s shaking his head before I’m even done. “I’m not going back.”
“I’m not going back either.”
He huffs out a small breath of air. I’m not sure if it’s a laugh or a sign of resignation. “Are you hungry?”
I nod.
“What do you want?” He stares at me. Stares into me.
“Pancakes,” I whisper.
“Then pancakes you shall have. I’ll go get them and you take a shower.”
And then he gets up and walks to the table to pick up his keys. “Get up,” he calls as he walks to the door. “I’ll be right back with the food.”
I get in the shower and let the hot water blast down on me. I’m just rinsing off the conditioner in my hair when I hear the room door open and close. I finish rinsing and then step out of the shower, wrapping the towel around me tightly. The room door opens and closes again and I peek my head out of the bathroom. “Nick?”
There’s no one in the room.
“Nick?”
I walk out and spot the food on the table. It’s wrapped up tightly in a plastic bag to keep it warm. But it’s what’s next to the food that stops my heart.
Money.
I walk over and pick it up, counting in my head. Four hundred dollars. There’s a folded piece of paper underneath the money and even though I do not want to pick that paper up and read what he wrote, I know I have to.
My hands tremble as I read his words.
Dear Sash,
I’m so sorry. But you and Harper—you two are the only reason I’m doing this. And if I took you with me, I’d be just as bad as my father. I’d be just as bad as James. I’m coming back, don’t worry. I paid the room up for two weeks and I’ll be back. I’ll find you a home, Sasha. I swear. You’re gonna have that life I told you about. Just stay here. Don’t call anyone. Don’t leave. Just please, stay here so I know you’re safe.
I can’t be your promise, it’s wrong. But you’re the only girl I’ve ever wanted. I hope you know that.
Nick
I cry silent tears as I read it over and over again. I never get dressed, just fall back on the bed in my towel as I try and come to terms with what’s happening to my life.
I am thirteen years old.
I’m homeless.
My family is dead.
James might be dead.
Harper is in big trouble.
My promise walked out on me.
Can it get any worse?
I have no idea how long I lie there before I get up and fish my phone out of my pocket and call Merc.
“Yeah,” he says after picking up on the first ring.
“I need you to come get me.”
“I’m on my way to Jackson. I’m out, man. You and Nick are gonna have to figure this shit out yourselves. I know when to cut my losses.”
“Nick left me in a hotel in Rock Springs. He’s going to save Harper himself and get that file back. How can you be out? You have the other half of the file.”
He’s silent for a few moments and then he lets off a long sigh. “If I come get you, we’re heading to my place in Jackson.”
“No,” I say firmly. “We’re heading to Santa Barbara where Nick thinks they took Harper. You owe me, Merc. You owe me. And this is what I want. I want to go to Santa Barbara and help Nick.”
“Kid, we’re gonna need an army to help Nick now. They are dead serious about killing us and going to meet them on their own territory is one of the more stupid ideas Nick has had lately.”
“I don’t care. I’m in, Merc. I have very few good things to hold on to in my life. James, Harper, and Nick are pretty much all I have left. And I’m not gonna let him go fix this shit alone. OK? So come get me.
Nothing but silence on the other end. But then Merc grumbles. “Fuck. I’m like two hours away. Where the hell are you?”
I tell him the name of the hotel and then I hang up and get dressed. I eat the pancakes because they came from Nick, but I have to force them down. And then I stuff the money in my pocket along with the room key and sit in front of the window until Merc’s truck pulls up in the parking lot.
I walk out the door and climb in the passenger side.
Merc takes out a smoke and lights it up, blowing smoke rings out the window as we head back out on the highway. “Do you know where the Santa Barbara place is? Because I sure don’t.”
I sigh. “I shouldn’t know. But I do.”
He laughs. “That’s the story of your life, kid.”
Ain’t that the truth? “We need an army, you said?” I look up at him, but he’s staring straight ahead. “I know where we can get an army.”
“I bet you do.”
And then he slides his shades down his face and turns up the music.