Chapter Thirty-Five
Sasha - One week later.
Rock Springs, Wyoming
I look around the hotel room and the sadness is overwhelming. I can’t deal. I can’t deal at all. I have lost everything I’ve ever loved to bad people. My mother, who I never even met. My father. My grandparents. And now Nick. My last thread of hope that life would be worth living after all this was done.
But it’s not worth living.
It fucking sucks.
My chin starts to quiver and the tears begin to fall. Again. I’ve done nothing but cry since we got here to the hotel room a few days ago. Harper and James are staying in here with me. Against my wishes. I wanted to be alone, but James refused.
Today is the last paid day for this room. The last chance for Nick to come back to me.
And it’s almost noon now, past checkout time.
So…
Reality.
It sucks.
James walks through the open door and stands there, a black figure, backlit by the morning sun. “You ready, Smurf?”
I shake my head and sit on the bed, staring at the dirty hotel carpet. “No,” I whisper. “No.”
“He’s not coming here, Sasha.”
“I know.” I swallow down that rock in my throat, but I can’t seem to make it go away. “But I don’t want to leave.”
James takes a long breath and sits down on the bed next to me. “I’m sorry.”
“I know.” He’s been apologizing for a week now. I’m sorta sick of it.
“But Merc sent me a message a little bit ago. He thinks he’s finally figured out how to get the files to open.”
I sniff and look up at my friend. “What’s on them?”
“Secret money accounts, mostly. Names of all the Company members, of course.”
“Huh. All that bullshit for money and names? It’s hardly worth it.”
“Yeah, but it’s the non-money stuff you’re gonna wanna hear about.”
“Oh, God, no. I’m not interested.” They’ve been talking about the ‘programming’ I was subjected to by my father. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with Nick being gone, I really don’t need to know that my father was brainwashing me to kill people when I got older.
“We still think it’s on there, Sash.”
Hearing James call me Sash makes me let out a sob. “Only Nick called me Sash. So don’t.”
James takes a deep breath and lets it out. “OK. But that brainwashing stuff might be true, so you need to be aware of it.”
“Consider me aware.”
“We’re ready to hit the road now, so where should we go? You get to choose.”
“I’m not going.”
“Sasha, don’t press me,” James growls. “I get it. You’re broken right now. But you’re not gonna stay broken forever. You gotta let that shit heal. And today is the day you start, Smurf. I brought you here so you’d see for yourself. Nick is not coming back, OK? He’s not coming back. He made a deal with that cartel and he’s gonna see it through. And you are thirteen years old. You can’t just wish yourself grown up and start a life with a man who really is. He’s not gonna come back and bring you into that life, Sasha. He’s not gonna take a child bride. Everything he stands for is against what you want him to be. So let him go. Let him make his way in the world. He let you go so you can make yours. Don’t give up. He’d never give up if you were the one who sacrificed yourself to give him a second chance. He stayed behind for you. So you’d get that information off that disc. Information your father put on there. Information you need.”
“I know all this.”
“Then snap the fuck out of it, Sasha. He’s not dead, OK?” I don’t respond, so James lifts my chin and forces me to look at him. “He’s not dead.”
I shake off his hand and continue looking down at the carpet. “I know he’s not dead. And—” I let out another sob. “And that’s even worse, James.” I look up at him as the tears stream down my face. He tisks his tongue at me and lets out a sigh. “It’s worse because that means he chose to leave me.” And then I can’t hold it in anymore. I just cover my face with my hands and cry.
James leans over and pulls me into a hug. I wrap my arms around his waist and press my tears into his soft t-shirt.
“I’m sorry, Sasha. I really am. I know you love him. I know you thought you’d have that happily ever after with him. But it was never meant to be, kid. It wasn’t.”
“It’s not fair,” I whine. “It’s not fair that you get Harper and I get no one.”
“You got both of us, Sobby Smurf. You made out like a bandit. And besides, I didn’t get Harper right away. I had to wait twelve years. She was too young when I fell in love with her. So that’s one reason why Nick had to leave, Sash. He fell in love with you and you’re too young. He’d be a very bad guy if he didn’t walk away, you have to understand that.”
I have nothing to say to that. I know it’s true, but I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want this to be my reality.
“So, Harp and I were thinking. We’d sorta like to go see all that dinosaur stuff you talked about back in the desert. We’re close to Thermopolis. We looked that dinosaur place up online. Did you know they were voted number one dinosaur museum in the whole country?”
“Duh,” I say. “I’ve been to Thermopolis dozens of times.”
“Well, we haven’t. It’s only like three hours away, kid. What better way to spend a summer afternoon than driving up to see some dinosaurs?”
I look at him. He’s trying so hard to be here for me. To help me.
“Right?” he asks again.
I nod out a yes. “I suppose. You guys really don’t know enough about dinosaurs.” I sniff away my leftover sobs. “History is something you should understand, you know.”
“I really should, Smurf. I need you, kid.”
I look up at him and the tears are back.
He leans down and presses his head to mine. “I do, Sasha Cherlin. I need you. I can’t lose you to this sadness. You have to snap out of it. We’re gonna take our time, OK? We’re gonna take things slow. Go on road trips. See the West from the window of a truck. Just… relax and be normal for a few months before we decide what to do. OK? Sound good?”
I nod again. And then we stand up and walk towards the door.
I take one last look around the room. I remember Nick, lying on the bed next to me. Telling me these same things.
I give up one last sob for what could have been, and walk out.
James closes the door behind us.
And that’s it.
It’s over.