Loving someone really shouldn’t hurt this much.
Loving someone should feel good, and I know firsthand just how good it can feel.
Maybe that’s why, despite everything that’s happened these past few weeks, I’m still clinging to that love.
But I think it’s time to try to let it go.
I guess things can only fall apart for so long before you need to stop trying to hold them together.
Archie’s cries fill the baby monitor sitting on Warren and Jake’s counter.
“Bunches, I’m going into the city to deposit some money and send some shit. Wanna come?” Warren leans against the wall, scowling at the towel in my hand.
I put the last dish away and fold the towel over their oven door. “Sure. Archie’s been a grump today. I think he’s getting some big teeth.” I sigh tiredly, picking up the monitor. “Maybe the ride will help him settle a bit.”
Warren nods. “I’ll meet you out front.”
I head back to the guesthouse, changing Archie and grabbing him some milk before heading out the front to put him in my car. It’s the only one with a baby seat other than Jake’s, so Warren doesn’t argue and hops in the passenger side.
“Feeling okay?” Warren asks once we’re on the highway.
I nod, staring at the sunlit road ahead. “I’m okay.”
“You will tell us if you feel like you’re not, right?”
Nodding again, I bite the inside of my cheek. “You know I will.”
Seemingly appeased, he turns around and starts babbling to Archie until we’re pulling up outside the bank. He holds Archie while I move to the trunk to grab his stroller.
Except when I open it, I remember I’d left it at home after walking him down to the bay yesterday. Well, crap.
“I forgot the stroller, but it’s okay.” I close the trunk and hold my arms out for Archie. “He can do a bit of walking, or I’ll hold him. I’m going to grab a few groceries from that old grocery store around the corner.”
“All right. I’ll try not to be too long. Got your phone?” Warren asks, walking backward into the flow of pedestrians. I smile and nod then put Archie down, holding his hand while he waddles down the sidewalk.
At this rate, it’ll take us twenty minutes to get to the grocery store, but I let him walk a few more minutes before picking him up.
He’s not happy about it, but I try to distract him with a banana once we get inside.
He shoves it into his mouth, smearing it between his fingers in the process. I grab a few things we need while he’s content for now. He’s usually a happy baby, but some of those teeth have given him a hard time, so I’m betting these new ones are giving him hell, too.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, so I drop the basket to the ground and dig it out.
“Hey, Jake’s finishing up soon. Will you be all right if I head back with him?”
Archie looks at me, pulling at his bottom lip. I think I would be okay, usually. But Archie’s unpredictable mood swings these past few days make me a little nervous to be out right now.
Still, I can’t keep relying on other people. I’m strong enough to do this on my own. If he wants to spend time with his husband, I’m not going to let my stupid little fears stop him.
The car is around the corner and across the street.
I’ll be fine.
Perfectly fine.
I repeat those same words to Warren, reassuring him when he asks again, and hang up.
“Right.” I hoist Archie higher on my hip as he fidgets. “Just you and me, little guy.”
We head to the checkout, and that’s when Archie decides he’s about had enough.
“Ma, ma, ma,” he bellows and tugs on my hair.
I give the guy working the register a twenty and tell him to keep the change, before grabbing the two bags and walking out of there as quickly as I can.
As soon as we’re out on the street, his whining turns to a full-blown meltdown, and it takes every bit of strength I have not to drop him.
“Shhh. We’re almost at the car, little guy.”
But he doesn’t care. He flings himself backward with an ear-splitting cry, and I drop the bags in my effort to keep from dropping him.
“Shit,” I whisper underneath the sound of his wailing. My heart starts racing, my blood pumping too fast and roaring in my ears. The world starts to spin, but I grit my teeth against it and try to concentrate.
It’s hard to decide what to do first. Try to console him or save our groceries.
Naturally, I try to do both when my peripheral vision snags on a familiar pair of boots farther down the sidewalk. Felix. Felix is walking straight toward us with Sam. I don’t think he can see me, so I try to squash my growing panic and put Archie down.
I wrap an arm around him and use the other to stuff the milk, some probably now smashed bananas, and chips into the bag. The rest I can do without and are being skirted around by impatient city goers anyway. I take a few deep breaths in through my nose and slowly exhale out my mouth, feeling ridiculous yet unable to control the panic that’s taken hold.
Just as I’m about to get up, something whacks me in the side of the face, sending me to my ass. That’s all I remember before everything turns dark once again.