It’s strange. The way some days hold more significance, more weight in your heart than others. First dates and first kisses. First love and first heartbreak. My firsts are all tied in with the same man. And as my mind untangles the past, playing those days in a torturous loop, I’m afraid that everything I do, everything I feel, and everything I think will always lead back to him.
Felix came over on Saturday morning and spent a few hours with Archie down in the sand by the bay. Something stirred in my gut when I watched them walk off toward the water together. Anger, maybe. Or irritation at the way my heart still longs for me to spend so many moments absorbed in him in any way I can. Fighting against what it wants takes strength I didn’t know I still had. But I’m somehow doing it.
I spent the time he was here polishing my resume. I sent it out to a few local preschools via email on Monday morning, in hopes I can get some part-time work, and maybe even more of my independence back.
It’s now Wednesday, and I haven’t heard from or seen Felix since Saturday. So when the phone rings, I try not to let my heart jump. It needs to cooperate with my brain in thinking that it’s past time to move on.
It lurches anyway. But for a whole different reason.
“You what?” Warren almost yells when I race inside to tell him. “That’s brilliant, bunches! When do you start?”
I laugh at that. “It’s just an interview. But they want me to come in tomorrow.”
His eyes roll. “Doesn’t matter. It’s so going to be yours.” Clapping his hands, he practically squeals, “I’m making dinner reservations!”
I groan, grabbing his arm. “Don’t. You might jinx me.”
He guffaws. “Nonsense. But you’re right, priorities. Let’s go find you an outfit. I’m thinking smart, a little sexy, but not too much. Don’t want those old timers or other mammas giving you the stink eye.”
We spend the afternoon trying to choose the perfect outfit. But my options are limited, on account of never needing to own anything very fancy before. I settle on a cute floral skirt and a white blouse and grab some black ballet flats from my wardrobe to pair with the matching black knitted cardigan.
“There.” Warren eyes the ensemble on my bed with a jerk of his head. “Cute, sassy, but sophisticated enough for any ninnies.”
“Ninnies?” I raise a brow.
“Yep. There’ll be at least one, trust me.”
Before I can ask him what he means by ninnies, he’s walking out of the room and calling out goodbye for the night.
Archie yanks my skirt off the bed, and I dart over to him, grabbing it just in time to stop it from going into his mouth. His bottom lip wobbles, and I hurry to distract him. “Mac and cheese?”
He kicks his legs out when I pick him up and take him out to the living room, getting him situated with some toys while I make us some macaroni.
The remainder of the night is spent staring at my book, when really, I’m just trying to ignore the fact I’m waiting for my phone to ring.
It doesn’t.
He never calls, and I go to bed thinking that stupid saying about things happening for a reason might be correct in a lot of ways.
Especially regarding Felix and me.
Setting Archie on the ground after I’ve changed him, I fix my gaze on the photos on the dresser.
After washing my hands, I open the bottom drawer in my wardrobe and pull out some photo albums. Archie squawks at the door, dancing and bobbing up and down to a silent beat.
Smiling, I look back down at the first album, willing myself not to go there. Not to open it and look inside.
It’s one I’ve had since I was fifteen and tried my hand at photography. I spent the next few years taking photos whenever I remembered, and I sucked. But I’m thankful I did it all the same. This album doesn’t just hold pictures of Felix and me. Before him, I had a life. I had friends. Not many, but a few I enjoyed spending time with.
Giving in, I flip it open to the second sleeve of photos, my finger trailing idly over Lucy’s sixteen-year-old smile. I wonder how she’s doing. She used to send me the odd email here and there, but we grew apart when she left for college. She’s married to a dentist now with two kids of her own. Last I heard, she was living in New Jersey.
Life rolls on, taking everyone in its path with it. I sometimes wonder if it’s forgotten me, or maybe the decisions I’ve made over the years have forced me to stay behind.
Closing the album with a sigh, I put it back in the drawer.
Underneath it sits a little blue box. My eyes stay glued to it for a minute before I close the drawer and take the other album out to the kitchen, the one I was originally looking for, and place it on the end of the counter so that I remember to give it to Felix the next time he’s here.
That way he can look at them in private.
I finish getting ready, trying to ignore the nerves that are slowly setting in with every passing minute.
“Come on, little guy.” I grab Archie’s hand and my bag, locking the door once we’re outside. “Wish Mama luck.”
“Ma, ma, ma.” He shakes his other hand in the air and tries to stop to play with his toys in the yard.
“No time for that right now; you’ve got a date with Uncle Warren.”
I pick him up and take him into the house, getting him settled with Warren before making the five-minute drive through Bonnets Bay to the preschool. I did work experience there when I was studying online. It was hard. I had a panic attack right in the little parking lot I’m now pulling into. Warren had dropped me off, though, and was there to help me through it. And eventually, I made it inside.
The fact I’ve worked here before helps a lot, even if I’m still apprehensive.
Looking at the clock on the dash, I let out a heavy breath. I’m right on time, which I’d planned. I don’t want to sit around and give myself any illogical reasons to start panicking or overthinking this.
Shutting the car off, I head inside through the brightly painted, noisy rooms until I find the director, knowing that even if I don’t get the job, I’ve still accomplished something huge today.
Today’s the day I started moving again.